Vampires were sexy and monstrously fine
but now that they sparkle, glitter and shine
their lustre is lost, and worse they're benign

Zombies are always disgustingly cool
but they're awfully damn dumb, and also they drool
if you get eaten by one then you're kind of a fool

Werewolves are angry, vicious and mean
but you need a full moon on Hallowe'en
for any of them to even be seen

The only monster that scares me the most
is any kind of spider, or maybe a ghost
if a spider ghost showed, I know I'd be toast

Here's my annual Halloween poem, kind of inspired by the huge spiders we had living on our veranda all summer. We had an uneasy truce with them.

The spiders on the porch are banging on the door
I know better than to answer but what can I do?
I open the door
Ugh! They're even bigger than before
Listen you guys, you know the deal
you can weave your webs and eat whatever you catch out there
but you leave us alone in here
Those clusters of eyes stare at me
and those mouthpieces
drumming and drooling
disgusting
"Hungry!" they cry in those dessicated arachnovoices
Too bad. You know the deal
"We change the deal! Hungry!"
Sigh
Fine
Wait here
I stomp downstairs and turn on the lights
manage to grab two goblins before the rest scurry away
"Where are you taking them? My babies!"
The spiders are hungry. Sorry
"But we had a deal!"
Yeah well
Deals change

I like to celebrate Halloween with some hallloweenish writing- poetry or story or whatever. This is what I came up with this year- not really truly spooky halloweeny, but definitely in the vein. Can you tell I've been reading Wicked?

Statues are, by statute
somewhat stationary
By law they all must stand mute
with no vocabulary

This state of affairs
is fair to most sculptures
You think Thinker cares
about noisy adventures?

But a murder of crows
knows to ignore
the scarecrow that shows
less zest than a door

And so we propose
if Your Honor is willing
to allow all scarecrows
the option of killing

To murder the birds
Who eat all the crops
and steal from the herds
dropping their drops

With weapons of fright
Free scarecrows to fight
At least give them this right
On Hallowe'en Night!

I often think life would be so much easier if I could draw worth a damn. When I saw Lerms' fake movie poster for Attack of the Viking Zombie Babies I wanted to do something similar. And throw in some White/Rob Zombie goodness to boot. Basically, I wanted to make a Sideshowmonkey video (he did Rob Zombie's American Witch and Lords of Salem videos, among others). But I am not Hartman, I am Homie Bear, so instead I give you

Astro-Creep VS The Space Pumpkin

Streaking past the Oort Cloud in his '65 ThunderJeep
The undead dude with an attitude, the bastard called Astro-Creep
Comes flying past the Harvest Moon, screaming and careening
to reap a crop of little kids who go out Hallowe'ening
Ground up bones and pureed guts and sludge blood laced with sucrose-
the ghoulish fuel Astro-creep needs to terrorize the cosmos
But on Olympus Mons a red light turns on
threat detected by Trick-R-Treat-O-Tron
The Space Pumpkin leaps up, he knows the drill
He grins at the thought of a mutant to kill
He blasts off from Mars and heads for the stars
With his jetpack he's faster than a hundred squad cars
He jumps out in front of Astro-Creep's path
and launches an arsenal with a maniacal laugh
Solar spiders and asteroid bats rocket through the ether
Exploding on the ThunderJeep, above and underneath her
But Astro-Creep was far from beat, though he lost his cool
He shoots back nano-slime, laser snot and even robo-drool
Down below costumed kids see aurora borealis
Unaware 'twere an omen of freakyzoidal malice
But the Space Pumpkin was on it, he pulled out some tricks
With Vakuumquats and Saturn Squash and a whole gourdal mix
Orangish melons smash and micronovae explode
Greenish ones burst open and black holes implode
Astro-Creep was forced to retreat and knew for the first time fear
but with skull sockets blazing he swore revenge for next year
The Space Pumpkin laughed and said you can try
I'll use your brains to make space pumpkin pie
The children below are NOT yours to eat
Their souls are mine, they're MY trick or treat!

Astro-Creep, of course, is in reference to Astro-Creep 2000 and the song More Human Than Human. Did you know that song is very loosely about Blade Runner? That's where the title comes from.
Anyways, Happy Hallowe'en! For more Hallowy goodness, click on the halloween tag below. And my new blogbear, which is me dressed up as a panda, and offers a respite from the unremitting horror of my poetry, was done for me by Madison, aka Heartsmackingboombox.

In honor of Rob Zombie's new CD and zombies in general, Homie Bear proudly presents :

Lair of the ZomBear

Deep in the Woods, where it's all overgrown
There lurks a menace, unseen and unknown
Rotting flesh comes together in hideous dread
An army arises of animal undead!
Poor Homie Bear is fishing, quite unaware
That he's stumbled on the lair of the Fell Zombie Bear
"Grurp" Homie belched, as he spit out the bones
of the trout he had caught, into the pine cones
So he turned around and went back to fishing
Not hearing the bones make sounds of gut-squishing
The zombie fish pounced and Homie Bear yelped
As zombie fish scales smeared all over his pelt
Gross! Homie yelled as his paws made a splat
Crushing the zombie's putrid corpse flat
But Homie's ordeal wasn't over, as from the forest lurched
Zombie bees, zombie beavers, zombie birds, zombie birch
"Eeewww!" Homie said, "It's a whole zombie zoo
"Zombie elk, zombie rabbits, even zombie poo!"
"Brains!" the zombies groaned, "We eat you brains!
"We suck you guts and you blood from you veins!"
"No!" Homie said, "Anyone else you might scare
"But I am a big, bad, burly old bear!"
So Homie attacked, and zombie flesh flew
He killed 'em all (except for the poo)
But the King of the Zombies, the dread Zombie Bear
Emerged, dripping flesh, from his cavernous lair
"Rarrgh," roared the Zombear, and Homie's heart sank
Not only was it scary but the ugly thing stank!
But it was skeletally slow and not very smart
(It had eaten its own brain as well as its heart!)
So, bolder than a boulder and twice as brave
Homie lured the Zombear back into his cave
Simple and easy, like the best kind of traps
Homie kicked in a pillar and caused a collapse
The Zombear was buried in a pile of debris
And Homie went home, for another day free
But the Zombear was an undead corpse re-animation
And under them rocks he was just in snug hibernation!

Happy Hallowe'en everyone! Here is a quick poem to help you celebrate the season.

Hallowe'en

ding dong
giggle giggle
shhhh!
TRICK OR TREAT!!!!
stomp stomp STOMP
creeeeeee-k
.
.. .
.... .
Raaarrrggghhhh!!!
Eek!
Eep!
Eew!
Chomp
Chomp
Chomp
Yum
Yum
Yum
Me like treats!