Little Orc
Running through deep, powdery snow is pretty hard work. But it's fun. Yesterday I ran (part of the way) to the grocery store, leaving all the rush hour gridlocked cars stuck in the blizzard in my snowdust. Wearing my trusty old Merrells, and ample winter gear, it was actually quite pleasant. It brought back some good memories for me, in fact.
When I first read Lord of the Rings, way back when I was but a cub, one of the many, many things that stood out to me was the orc-chase in The Two Towers. Gimli, Aragorn and Legolas after the orcs who took Merry and Pippin. "Let's hunt some orc!" Obviously the three heroes were pretty noble and brave, chasing after all those orcs like that. But then again, that's what they do- be noble and brave. For some reason, the thought of those orcs running day and night without stopping really made an impression on me. They weren't motivated by some higher purpose like rescuing loved ones in peril. Rather, they seemed to be running just because they could. Though now Legolas informs us they run "as though the very whips of their masters were upon them", so maybe they were motivated by fear. Still, to my young mind, I thought those orcs had at least one admirable trait- they could run like hell. So whenever I felt like running, especialy through snow when it's so much harder, I would always pretend I was one of those orcs. Not the Elf, not Aragorn, nor even Gimli, but an orc.
I was a little orc, running for no other reason than that I could.

Not to be morbid, but given the choice, I would rather die at the hands of a grizzly than be struck by lightning. Seems more fitting. Yet, according to this National Geographic special on grizzlies that I saw, you are far more likely to be struck by lightning than eaten by a bear.
So I started wondering, just what exactly are my odds of death by Thor vs death by Ursis?
I didn't find any actual Vegas-type numbers, but I found out some interesting things. In BC, for example, between 1969 and 1997, there were 133 people killed by animals, with a nearly 50-50 split between wild and domesticated animals. Horses were responsible for 47 deaths, while bears killed 19. So did moose, actually, though those were all as a result of a car crash. And bugs killed 16 people. Who'da thought bugs were almost as lethal as bears? But by "bugs" I mostly mean bees and hornets. Here you can see a map of BC along with a graphic showing each animal-caused fatality. Just scroll to the bottom.
On more general terms, in the 1990s, bears caused on average about 3 deaths a year in North America. Lightning, on the other hand, killed 1318 people between 1980 and 1995 in the United States, or an average of 82 a year. Wow. I couldn't find any statistics about how many bears were struck by lightning, though I did find some far more disturbing things- between 1971 and 1996, there were 639 documented grizzly deaths, of which 627 were caused by humans.
So what it all boils down to is, a bear is far more likely to be killed by a human than the other way around. No surprise there, unfortunately. So, I guess being both bear and human, I have something like a billion percent chance of dying at the hands of my own kind.

A pyramid of bears! That you can knock down. But don't worry, they are not hurt. Hee hee look at them go! Yay!

Cool, take a look at this:

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide
I have a lot of work to do, looks like.
And then there's this:

create your own visited States map
or write about it on the open travel guide

They don't have one for the Canadian provinces, but that's fine since mine would be all red anyways, except for Nunavut.

The Story of Scrapefoot the Fox and the Three Bears
Goldilocks evolved from Scrapefoot. The same site where I got this story says that originally the word for fox was mistranslated as old woman, and over the years the old was changed to young. The name Goldilocks was at first Silverhair, then Silver-locks, then Golden-Hair, and finally Goldilocks.
But there were always three bears, and that's what really matters.

Fixed!
Little did you know that I had a bit of an emergency after that last poost- I accidentally deleted my template! But luckily I was able to piece it back together using painstaking CSS Detective Skills. They could make a show about that, called CSS:Miami, or maybe CSS: Homie. I think you can hardly notice a difference, except that the hand-coded archives I have been tediously working on, primarily for my own benefit, are gone. Sigh. But the Poo is still here! So that's a relief. Long live the poo! I was a touch worried after I saw what I had done.

Remember a while back, that guy who was killed by grizzlies? Outside Magazine has a letter written by him shortly before his death. Once more I find myself admiring his idealism, but questioning his rationality. I don't think he was crazy, or stupid, just misguided, in that rose-colored-glasses sort of way.

It is late, and I have to work in the morning, but my heart was so warmed by Little Green Jellybean today that I had to poost something in honor of it. It is so cold that warming my heart is quite a feat. LGJ started both times today, despite not being plugged in (for you warm-weather wusses, cars in such cold climates as ours come equipped with plug-in block heaters, so that your engine block and the oil in it is not completely frozen when you need it). I think the temperature was a fairly steady -32C all day today, as repoorted by the U of A, and though it had to struggle a bit, my trusty car (with its new battery) came through yet again. I was proud. I would nominate it for car of the year or something, but those awards don't really exist. Wait, yes they do! I give them out. The Award for Most Best Car Ever Built, as well as Award for Car Most Not Afraid of the Cold Ever goes to . . . Little Green Jellybean!
I will sure be sad when I sell it later in the year.

Very, very sad.

Cecilia Ann was a strange girl who sat next to me in English class. She always listened to really loud Rock Music on her walkman and the teacher just let her do it- he was scared of her I think. Maybe it was because she insisted he call her Velouria. Allison, who sat behind me, didn't like her at all. "Is She Weird, or what?" she would ask me. Ana would always come to her defense, though. "Leave her alone," she would say, "she's been All Over the World."
I didn't get involved, since I was too busy reading our assignment, a short story called "Dig For Fire". It was about this little girl who always Went Down to the Well. One day she came back and never spoke again, though no one knew why, so they just referred to it as The Happening. I was Blown Away by the story, but the truth is, it didn't make much sense to me. I did my class report on it, but I did an "interpretive" presentation where all I did was jump up and down in a toga and Hang Wire from the ceiling. I got an F, so I went outside in the Stormy Weather, feeling sorry for myself. I decided I would run away to Havalina, but I never did.

If anyone has any idea what I'm talking about, you win a prize.

TheLogo had a pretty good poost about one of the most important things in life- taking it easy. Since it happened to guest-star me, it was even more poofound.
I like going barefoot. I also like picking things up with my toes. Bears have fairly good motor skills and can manipulate objects, but of course it's monkeys who are the most adept at using their toes.
Anyways, today as I picked something up from the floor, revelling in my simian abilities, I realized that if I ever should one day attain the position of CEO of a major corporation, one of the first things I would do is send this memorandum:

MEMO
TO ALL STAFF:

It has come to my attention that lower back pain is a major cause of chronic discomfort and fatigue, as well as inducing irritability. Henceforth, I would like you all to limit your need to ever stoop down to pick something up. Further, I would like to institute a policy of going barefoot at all times while here at work. Sort of like Hobbits, or monkeys. That way, you can learn to use your toes to pick things up and save yourself much damage to your dorsal areas. This policy will take effect immediately.
Thank you and good day.
HOMIE BEAR

Actually, probably the FIRST memo I would send would be the one granting extended poo-breaks to all employees. It would probably go something like this:

MEMO
TO ALL STAFF:
I'm sure there was a study done at some point in time that showed that some of our most creative and deep thinking comes while sitting on the toilet. In fact, just the other day I was having a poo and I realized that I should encourage all of our employees to feel free to take extended poo-breaks in order to foster creativity. So it shall be, from this day forward.
Good pooing!
HOMIE BEAR

I thought it was time to write something about Norse Gods. A little more serious than Homie Bear's regular stuff.

Ragnarok

Old gods have known their fate
since they were young gods
To die at the hands of their enemies
at Ragnarok
But they await that day
joyfully
For all that matters to old gods
and young gods
and even their enemies
Is to meet that fate steadfastly
and with valour

When you have recurring dreams is it the same dream exactly, like watching the same movie? Or do the same themes recur, but different scenes and stuff? I don't think I've evr had any identically recurring dreams, but I have noticed some themes that keep popping up. Like, for some reason, every now and then I'll dream that I'm back in school, either high school or university, and there will be one class that I just didn't go to, and didn't do any of the homework, either. I just ignored it. Then the semester ends and I'm kind of screwed.
Or on Thursday night I dreamt that I had already given that talk I did yesterday, and then later I tried to remember what I said and since I couldn't, I thought I had forgotten to go, or something like that. The details are fuzzy, now. I don't know what that says about me.
Oh well, other times I dream about being an X-Man or an Oiler. Maybe an X-Oiler, with the mutant power of being able to score 100 goals in one season. Maybe in one game.

I spoke over at the U of A today, just a little talk. I spoke on losing your way, I guess. Gotthammer Mike came along, at my request, in order to play the G-Version of Jesus Loves Me. I think that was my favorite part.
Lots of G-oodness lately, actually, since Gotthammer and I had supper and a smoke last night, and then I met Rustyangel to physically clean the G, which was not as painful as my recurring nightmares had led me to believe, and then, just because, we dropped in on Blu to watch some hockey. Oilers lost, but Rusty and Blu were so pleased to be in my presence that I don't even know if they noticed.
Luckily all my friends have their own webpage.

Special Happy Contest of Joy!!!!!!!!!

I just had a great idea for a great contest. See, I was listening to St. Anger and thinking I wish I had tickets to go to the Metallica concert in March, but it is sold out.
So . . . I thought I would hold a contest. A Special Happy Contest of Joy, in fact.
Win a trip to see Metallica in Edmonton (or Calgary, I suppose) with Homie Bear!!! Yay! The rules are simple - just procure two tickets to the concert, give one to me, and I will declare you the Winner and Supreme Champion of Special Happy Contests of Joy.
Not open to residents of Quebec, though family members are more than welcome to enter.

Another non-rhymey poem for you:

Sasquatch

You prowl in the night
Hidden and unseen
No one knows if you're real
And if you are
are you friendly?
Or mean?
You don't eat bears do you?
I hope not
And I hope you can levitate
and turn invisible
and heal sickness with a glance
But maybe that's only if you're Russian

Here is a poem of the sort I don't usually write, in that it doesn't rhyme, but I had a flash of inspiration as I was walking in my front door for some reason. Don't take it personally if you're one of my IM friends, it's not about anyone real.

LOL

Why do I type LOL
when you don't even make me smile?
I guess I don't want to hurt your feelings
But I thought of you today
at work
When a customer made a stupid joke
And I said "LOL"

I knew it!
Humans are a type of bear! Well, maybe not quite. But according to this book gabrielle got me for Christmas, the reason bears never settled in Africa is because the ecological niche they usually occupy was already taken by humans.
The book is called Bears: Their Life and Behavior , by Art Wolfe (a book about bears by a wolfe- how ironic. That's like if I wrote a book about wolves. A paradox, you might say), and has tons of beautiful pictures of bears. You should really get it, though it has inexplicably gone out of print so you will probably have to go to a used bookstore to get your copy.
Here is what he says about African bears: "By all rights [Africa] should have bears. Where are they?
"There is no confirmed answer to this question, but there are the beginnings of concensus behind a provocative hunch. There are no bears in Africa, most ecologists now believe, because they evolved too late, and when they arrived their niche was already full. The creature that had filled it was a descendant of ancient insectivores that had grown considerably and had lost most of its body hair. It was, in short, us. We are the bears of Africa: large omnivores on plantigrade feet, eaters of the same food, fillers of the same ecological niche. Brothers under the hairy skin. We owe our evolutionary lives to the fact that bears were slow to spread past the Equator. Perhaps this is a debt we should begin at last to find the courtesy to repay."
And here is a nice link that Blu sent me about our generous brothers.

So, David "Faramir" Wenham can play a good badass, as seen in Dust. Never heard of it? Let me describe it for you. It's a cowboy western, only it's set in Macedonia. And present day New York. It's narrated by an old white lady, but then later by a young black guy. Lots of shooting, some corrupt cops who might have been loansharks dressed as cops, and a couple of airplanes. It's kind of weird.
Not like Band of Brothers, which is just quality cinema that everyone should watch at their earliest convenience. Really, I can't say enough about it. Feel free to click on the above link to order me a copy of the DVD set ;) And here is HBO's (what does HBO stand for, anyways? It's a mystery, that's for sure) official page.

Russian sasquatches.
"Some researchers believe that people's hairy neighbors can not only hypnotize, but also levitate, become invisible or cure any diseases with a glance. There are even more fantastic hypotheses saying that yetis are wood-goblins, demons or some beings from the parallel world. Unfortunately, there is not single evidence proving any of the fantastic suggestions. "
It was an interesting and thought-provoking article until the subject moved away from Russian Sasquatches to Invisible Flying Sasquatches from Dimension X!

I mentioned a while back that Homie Bear had to go and get himself a job, against his better judgement. Now that it's been a month or so, I can tell you a bit about it- I am working at a video store. It's alright. I don't know how well I'm doing, though. Apparently my customer service is a little shaky, though I can't figure out why. Let me walk you through a typical day.

Customer 1: Hi! Do you have Seabiscuit?
Homie Bear: No, but we do have The Bear, I think you will like it a lot.
Customer 1: Uh, it's just that, my daughter really likes horses . . .
HB: The Bear has bears in it, your daughter loves bears, right?
Customer 1: Yeah . . . no thank you.

Customer 2: Excuse me, do you know when Secondhand Lions is coming out?
HB: No, but Brother Bear is coming March 2nd.
Customer 2: Can't you check your computer to see what it says?
HB: All it says is that Brother Bear is coming March 2nd. Want me to order you a copy?
Customer 2: No, that's alright.

Customer 3: Hi, I called about reserving a copy of Bad Boyz II?
HB: Yes, here you go.
Customer 3: What's this? It's not Bad Boyz II.
HB: It's Bad News Bears. It's not really about bears, but baseball. You might still like it though.
Customer 3: But, I don't want Bad News Bears, I want Bad Boyz II. Do you have it in?
HB: No, not really.
Customer 3: . . . maybe I'll check Blockbuster.

Customer 4 (a sweet old lady): Hello there. I'm wondering if you can recommend to me a good family movie.
HB: Yes I have just the thing- it's over here in our Horror section.
Customer 4: Oh no, not horror, I don't like those movies.
HB: It's not actually a horror at all- that must have been some sort of filing error. It's called Grizzly. Here you go.
Customer 4: It says here that a grizzly is on the loose and killing people one by one.
HB: Yes, it's quite cute.
Customer 4 backs away and leaves.