Selkie tells me that February 27th is International Polar Bear Day! Happy Polar Bear Day! Make sure to send any bears you know lots and lots of presents.

Have you ever seen a coalmine at night? Talk about black.
I'm off for work tomorrow, nights this week. Graveyard shift. I'm not sure if I ever explained this, but my work schedule is pretty decent- I work on a four on, four off rotation. Four dayshifts in a row, four days off, four nightshifts in a row, four days off, repeat. Because we work 12.66 hour shifts, we actually have a longer than regular workweek in just four days. It's nice to have all that time off afterwards, though since I have an 8-day week, I am always a little out of step with the rest of the world. And for a variety of reasons, I am working quite a bit of overtime lately, so tomorrow I leave for six nightshifts (again!), after only two days off. Umm, 6 * 12.66 anyone? Let's see, not quite 80 hours. Crazy eh? And next week when I am done, we are heading to Calgary to visit my future in-laws. So I'm not sure if I will be around here much, though you never know. I'm not trying to neglect you all.

For Michelle . . .


. . . hehe. Bears would never maul you, they are not that mean. And I wouldn't let them.

Last Saturday, Michelle and I were out having coffee, talking, reading the paper, saying hi to people we knew- a typical lazy Saturday afternoon. After a while a comfortable silence settled around us, which I finally broke by saying, "Wanna go see the robots?" And since Michelle loves me so well, she said "Sure!"
Everyone knows how much I love robots, so I was pretty happy to hear that the Odyssium had a new robotics exhibit. Unfortunately, the exhibit wasn't quite what I was expecting. I was thinking killer cyborgs, angst-ridden androids in search of their humanity, and maybe a robotic bear or two. Instead it was kind of a haphazard collection of huge machines with no practical purpose, or at least very unwieldy in their primary function. The basketball playing robot was pretty cool, though. If only they had some hockey playing mechs we might have an NHL season next year, but anyways. I don't mean to slam it, it was still fun. I love robots soooo much, and maybe I was expecting a bit more.
But you know, as much as I love robots, I would never marry one. Realizing this, I asked Michelle to marry me later that night, and she said yes. In a robot voice.

I am sick, and I'm away from home and Michelle, so I don't have much to say today, but I wanted to show you guys this great picture I found. Kind of captures the spirit I try to put in my writing.

Although I didn't win any Grammys this year (I was working anyways so it is just as well), at least Slipknot showed up looking fine in their Sunday best.

I'm still mad about that parking ticket I got a few months ago. The one where I was parked at a meter with lots of time left, but didn't know that that particular spot became a towaway zone at 3:00. What kind of stupid parking spot is that? I wasn't going to pay it, since I had to pay the hefty impound fees, but they don't allow you to renew your registration without paying, so what can you do? Simmer in impotent rage, but that's about it. I can exact some small measure of revenge by refusing to pay the New Zealand photo radar ticket I got! Who knew ole Wedge was even capable of exceeding the posted speed limit?
If you share in my frustrations you can watch a hilarious mockumentary about parking enforcement called The Delicate Art of Parking. Very reminiscent of Best in Show and A Mighty Wind. Made in Canada, too!
And I hope you all see Some Kind of Monster. Sometimes it's like A Mighty Wind, too. And Lars is usually the force behind the wind. Anyways, I love those guys and the movie was a good glimpse into their dynamics. Even Michelle liked it, so you probably will too.

"I think I'm being voodooed," said Ammit, the Egyptian devourer of souls who was actually just a robot who had sold his soul to the devil once and named himself Ammit.
"By who?" I asked.
"I do not know. I had hoped that you might."
I had only known one houngan in my life (and no mambos), and I was pretty sure he had passed away peacefully in Denmark a few years ago. I couldn't think of anyone that had recently taken up the Haitian death magic. "Maybe it's the devil, getting some revenge on you for ripping him off?" I suggested.
"No, he's not mad about that- he tried to rip me off first, so we called it even and laughed it off."
Just then the papertiger came and delivered the morning news. The headline proclaimed, "Mayor Delves Into Voodoo, Hopes It Will Balance Budget". Ammit and I exchanged surprised looks. We decided to pay a visit to city hall.

The unemployed hockey players who guarded the entrance to city hall blocked our way with their sticks, but Ammit just made his eyes glow red like he does when people get in his way, and they let us pass. I guess they think he has a death beam or something but really his eyes just light up. Ask him to show you sometime.
Mayor Mainott was in his office, which was decorated in a very Haitian style, though Mayor Mainott had never been there, preferring to holiday instead in Denmark. There was a beautiful tanbou in the middle of the office, decorated with a scene of elephants parading in E-Town . Mayor Mainott had been an elephant trainer before he was mayor, and thought it was a good use of budgetary funds to herd elephants down Main Street. He greeted us warmly, even though it looked as if he was quite busy with the budget and his voodoo rituals.
"What can I do for you?" he asked.
"Have you been voodooing Ammit?" I got right to the point, a useful tactic in dealing with politicans, I had often found.
"No, I never voodoo constituents. That would be a good way to lose votes. I may or may not voodoo non-constituents, for example the mayor of C-Town, but certainly not our own good citizens." He held up a voodoo doll of a suit-and-tie-guy wearing a cowboy hat.
"Hmmm," said Ammit. "Then who could it be?"
"How do you know you are being voodooed?" asked Mayor Mainott.
"My servomotors often act of their own accord. And I get a strange sensation as if someone was poking me with pins and needles."
The mayor nodded thoughtfully. "Well, if you like, I can perform a ritual to see if we can find out."
"No rituals," said Ammit. "Voodoo creeps me out." My old houngan friend would have been offended by this comment, but I could sympathize with Ammit. He was being voodooed after all, and that is enough to creep anyone out.
"Okay, no problem. How about this? I can pass a bill in council making it illegal to not admit it if you are the one voodooing Ammit."
"Do you think that would work?" asked Ammit. I was a little skeptical myself.
"Well, depends if we could enforce it or not. There are quite a few hockey enforcers that need jobs right now, though many of them are in Denmark playing with the minor leagues . . . " In the old days the police force would have handled such a thing, but they had all been fired for putting in too much Overtime. At any rate, the thought of 30 hockey goons running through the streets of E-Town knocking down doors and terrorizing the populace didn't sit too well with me.
"Wouldn't that cost you votes?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, you're probably right. Well, I could form a committee to see if they can determine who is voodooing Ammit." Ammit just rolled his eyes.
"How about if I grant you diplomatic immunity from being voodooed?" Ammit's eyes started to glow.
"Okay, okay, don't shoot. Here's a grant for $30,000." He handed us a moneybag with a dollar sign on it. "Figure it out on your own. Now my budget's shot."
So we used two grand of our grant to buy a voodoodetector, and found out it was just some kid who was trying to build her own remote control robot, and the signals were interfering with Ammit's subprocessors. We gave her fifty bucks so she could get a better RC unit.
Then we used the rest of the grant money to take an extended holiday in Denmark. It was fun.

I dreamt that I was scuba diving with an autistic fellow, and he accidentally attracted a school of hammerhead sharks. It was a little scary, but I picked up a conch shell, removed my regulator, and blew into it, never forgetting to not hold my breath. That scared the sharks away alright.

Monument

How fitting
that your
Immortality
is a green
Pedestal
Used mostly by pigeons
for pooing on

Songs that make me happy today:
World by Ministry
Get Your Dead On by Scum of the Earth.
And the soundtrack to the Lemony Snicket movie is pretty cool too, as was the movie and especially the books. My awesome girlfriend bought it for me.

"Despite pictographs and paintings found in caves and on cliffs depicting the struggle between ancient man and bears, nearly all Canadian Indians I have known considered bears an ancient race of people. They pointed to the bear's five toes on each foot, to his ability to walk and run on his hind legs, to the fact that all species possessed much the same traits, and to the dental cavities of those whose diets included too many sweets. Aside from certain simians, the bear is the only animal known to throw objects back and forth between two or more individuals. It couldn't have escaped even the most amateur observer that bears have another point in common with man in that they train their young in offense, defense, food procurement, and play."
- from The Bears and I, by Robert Franklin Leslie, an amazing true story(now out of print I think) about a guy who raised three bear cubs in BC, back in the 30s.

Haka!!
Once again I have to miss out on something really cool due to being away at work. Oh well, that's life. But you don't have to miss out, so long as you live in Edmonton. On Friday night, Te Kapa Haka o Te Tumu is performing in the World Warriors concert at the Myer Horowitz Theatre. That's right, Te Kapa Haka o Te Tumu! A Maori performing arts group from the University of Otago (which I think, gabrielle, is in Dunedin- home of the Octagon, not the square). Few things in this world, that I have seen at least, are as cool as a Maori haka. Maybe you have seen the All Blacks perform one before a rugby match?
I saw a haka up close in Rotorua- just amazing. Intimidating, too, in a good way. They tell me it is the only dance in the world that uses every muscle in the body, including the eyelids and tongue. And for my good buddies Jay and Rowan, you will appreciate this lyric, yelled loud: Tenei te ta ngata puhuru horu! This is the hairy person who caused the sun to shine!
Don't miss out on your chance to see some Maori dancing in Edmonton. As a bonus, there will also be troupes from the Borneo, hip hop, Irish, First Nations and African Drumming traditions. Tickets are ten bucks in advance at SUB Info or 12 at the door, and it is this Friday at 7:30. You will thank me if you go. Trust me.
Te Kapa Haka o Te Tumu!!