My sister had her neurosurgery and is recovering well. She was sent home today, actually. We visited her yesterday and she looked great. The incision in her skull was pretty cool looking, with all the staples and stuff, and surprisingly long. I thought she kind of looked like one of Saruman's orcs but I decided to keep that observation to myself- I would take it as an immense compliment but she doesn't always see things the same way I do. She told some funny stories about being high on codeine, asking her nurse to hand her the Wiimote so she could turn off her drooling.
Anyways, I thought I would write her a little story to cheer her up:

Zach woke up feeling confused and disoriented. There was a septic smell, and he realized he was in a hospital. He sat up in alarm. Nightmarish, incoherent images flitted through his mind- but the only thing he clearly remembered was the ambulance. Pushing these thoughts aside, he took stock of his body. Three fingers on his right hand were missing, and he was pretty sure they had been there before. His head was wrapped in a big bandage, like a mummy. Perhaps most alarming of all, there was a very large discolored patch on his left leg.
A nurse came into the room. "You're awake!" she said. "How are you feeling?"
"What happened to me?" Zach asked.
"You had a very close call but you're going to be alright."
"Okay, but, what happened?"
The nurse stopped fiddling with his EKG and IV drip, and looked at Zach. "It's best if your doctor tells you directly. He's on the floor right now doing rounds so he should be here soon." She smiled at him. She had a nice smile, gentle and pleasingly assymetrical. Zach found her attractive and decided to trust her.
A distinguished looking gentleman entered the room. The nurse introduced him. "Zach, this is your physician, Dr. Moon."
"Hello Zach," Dr. Moon said.
"Doctor. Can you please just say what happened to me?" Zach didn't fail to notice the quick glance Dr. Moon exchanged with the nurse, whose name Zach realized he didn't know. She coughed and excused herself, and Zach wanted to call out and ask her her name. Anything to get her to stay. But he said nothing.
"Zach, you had a very close call, but you were lucky. I believe you will make a full recovery. Undoubtedly you've noticed your missing fingers- I had to cut them off. It seemed the best option. With your leg, we felt we could save it with some aggressive treatment, and it seems to be responding well. The vitasticizing regions are shrinking, and the Streptococcus pyogenes we applied are stabilizing the affected area nicely."
"Vitastisizing . . . I don't even . . . why won't anyone just tell me what happened?"
Dr. Moon sighed. Finally he said, "Alright. This will be hard for you to believe. Zach, you were exposed to a consecrated substance. Holy water. You were attacked by nuns."
"Nuns? That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as nuns. You're just messing with me, right?"
"I'm afraid not. A whole convent of nuns attacked Deadmonton yesterday in full daylight. They managed to resurrect and convert several zombies and vampires before they were contained. Your grave was one of the ones exhumed, but we were able to save you."
Zach tried to absorb this crazy news. His defingered hand went up to his brow, and touched the bandage there. "What about this, then? Why did you operate on my brain?"
"A CAT scan showed some activity in your cerebral cortex. We think you were exposed to a crucifix. We decided to lobotomize it to be safe. We saved some grey matter for you if you like, sometimes our patients like to celebrate their recovery by snacking on their brains."
Zach nodded, the enormity of the news still not totally sinking in. Brain snacks seemed like a minor matter compared to everything else he had learned. He looked down at the skin-colored portion of his leg, in such stark contrast with the greenish hue of the rest of his body. It was probably just his imagination, but it seemed like he could almost see the flesh-eating bacteria munching away. A beep sounded from across the room, and Dr. Moon excused himself to check on the other patient in the room. For the first time, Zach realized he wasn't alone. The zombie in the other bed looked to be in even better shape than he was, the poor bastard. His EKG beeped again. A third time.
Dr. Moon erupted into action, pressing the alarm button to call for help. "Code Blue! We have a heartbeat in 313."
In the flurry of activity, Zach took comfort in his own heart-rate monitor, which showed a nice, comforting flat line. In a world with nuns running around bringing zombies back to life, Zach was just happy to be undead.
THE END

Anyways, in keeping with the zombie theme, here is a zombear I asked a Deviant named FunkYeti to make for me. You might remember my Homie Bear poem, Lair of the Zombear. So there you see the Zombear in all his horror.