Hey it's October now! Wow. That means that my one-year bloggiversary is coming up- Oct 21 or 22 or so, I think. Which gives you three weeks to start thinking up entries to my bloggiversary contest. And gives me a little less than three weeks to come up with categories. Hmmm. Too tired right now. Later. But the first category can be, "Suggest a category for Homie Bear's bloggiversary contest."

Special thanks to Jack for teaching us all that trick. Oh what thou hast wrought!

You can tell how busy I am because I COMPLETELY forgot until just two minutes ago that the Return of the King trailer is finally online. So I wasted no time and even got my room-mate out of bed (knowing this would be one of the very few situations, short of fire, when this would be not only acceptable, but required) and we enjoyed two and a half minutes of pure joy. And now to wait two and a half months for the real thing. Wow.

A couple of years ago I was heading up an elevator to visit my Grandpa at the U of A hospital, and in the elevator was a young boy and his mom. The boy was very hyper, jumping up and down and bouncing off the walls. He asked me what I was going to be for hallowe'en, and then I asked him what he was going to be.
"I'm going to be an orangutang," he said.
"That's not much of a stretch," I said. I thought I was being funny, but judging by the look his mother gave me, I guess I wasn't.

Gabrielle linked to a sad story about orangutans over at her blog today (Yesterday, technically). Just as I was reading it and thinking there is never any good animal-related news,I found a link to this story about a species of insectivores thought to be extinct that turned up in Cuba.

So what's going on in the world these days, anyway? What's going on in your world? I have been a little wrapped up in my own life lately- shed, sermons, Jasper, moving, that I have lost touch with a lot of the things that keep me somewhat grounded. Things like my daily conference call with Marilyn Manson, the Dalai Lama and King Snowfrost (the king of the polar bears, in case you didn't know). Also I have been unable to win my daily lottery, take my weekly flight to New York, or even purchase my monthly banana (sadly I can only afford one banana a month so I usually save it for the fourth Monday of each month). But tomorrow I should finally finish moving out of the House of Poo, and can concentrate more on making my new place home, and establishing a new routine.
And special thanks to my excellent friend of SHMness, Jason, who was of invaluable help today assisting me with my move. Three more weeks, Jay, and we're free!

The funny thing is this will not be the first time I have mentioned Total Recall here at the Woods. And while I'm not entirely certain it deserves TWO mentions, I watched it tonight and have to say, what an incredibly bad movie. Good concept, and in fact I think it was based on a Philip K. Dick story (Blade Runner was based on one of his stories, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, and he also wrote Minority Report), but if that is the case, I have to hope that it was Paul Verhoeven who came up with the Instant Atmosphere Vending Machine. Though I guess that entirely stupid idea can be forgiven if the whole thing was just a dream. Which I think it was. Most of the actors were sleepwalking through their roles, at any rate. That Cuato guy just really disturbs me. I wouldn't mind never seeing that movie again. Oh- but come to think of it I DIDN'T watch Total Recall tonight, as I was much too busy moving. This whole last poost must have been an implanted memory.

I'll tell you something- Jasper at this time of year is beautiful. The leaves are all changing color, the weather was excellent, and umm . . . the mountains were high. Had a pretty good weekend, even if it was somewhat deficient in quality sleep time. And my eye really hurts for some reason- severiously hurts. But it did not interfere with my speaking, so all went well. All the sessions were around the campfire, and last night I had to preach in the dark. Well, I had a flashlight to light up my notes. What else can I tell you? Unfortunately I have no new bear stories for you. They must have been on a retreat of their own, I guess. However, my brain is quite overtired now, so I am finding it hard to say anything of any value. Just wanted to let my adoring fans know I was home. And by home, I mean my new home. Still in the Woods, just not in the crypt. No more House of Poo.

Ready or not, here I come! Or there I go! Off to Jasper now. I'm having that sense of doom right about now. Feeling a little unworthy and all that. Hopefully not unprepared- I've put a lot of work into these three talks. The subjects, in case you are interested, are grace, faith and love. Not exactly small topics. I guess we'll see how it goes. If you are of the praying type, I wouldn't begrudge a few prayers uttered my way.
Seeya on Sunday!
I'll say hi to all my bear friends for you.

Talk number two is in the can! 11:00 and all is well. I even have some dishes, books and DVDs packed away in boxes. (Though I am pretty much out of boxes.) I am so on top of things! Time for a well-deserved break of watching Trigun down in the crypt. Very soon I will be able to go back to interesting poosts, rather than just status repoorts. Thanks for your patience.

Does anyone I know have a Park pass? And does anyone I know want to lend me their Park pass, thus saving me $21? Turns out I can't really hitch-hike out to Jasper as I was hoping, so I will be driving Little Green Jellybean and a cargohold full of food. At least I won't go hungry.
In other news, the shed is mostly done, at least my part in its construction is over, so now I can focus 100% on the last two talks. And packing. For the weekend and for the move. Does anyone I know want to help me move? Actually, I should be fine in that department as I have had several generous offers.

Finished one talk. Two more to go. And a roof on the shed. And some serious packing to do. Oh yeah and Tammy I haven't forgotten the CD review- but it might be a few days for that one, since I am kind of swamped- but don't feel too sorry for me- I'm going to Jasper for the weekend. But now it's time for some sleep!

Well, I really should be writing sermons right now- as I pointed out to Papa Bear today while building his shed, I have 135 minutes of talk to prepare for the weekend- the equivalent of a movie. A long movie. (And in fact I am kind of structuring the talks on the three-act structure of nearly all screenplays.) So, a quick poost before I hunker down for the evening. On top of shed-building and sermon-writing, I am also trying to domicile-relocate this week. So I took a bit of time yesterday to go through some old boxes and throw stuff out. Some stuff was too nice to throw out, but not nice enough to keep. So I wound up with a large box full of these odds and ends, and placed them outside by the garbage, flaps open, for anyone to take. I checked it out today and was gratified to find much of the contents have apparently been appropriated. But I felt a strange sort of hurt that some of it was still there- what's wrong with my Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan pewter figurines? Spock is even giving you the live-long-and-prosper sign! And what- you couldn't make use of a pair of brand new, never-been-used ear muffs? I get those thrust at me at the coal mine every time I rehire on there, so I have a bunch. They might be dorky, but they will save your hearing. So what's wrong with that, huh? And can't everyone use a Venom action figure?
Excuse me, I have to go rescue some stuff from the curb.

Speaking of wreaking havoc, I wouldn't mind wreaking some on this guy. What the hell was he thinking? And why is he not being prosecuted? And how is it that the cub is now orphaned? What happened to its mother? The article states she was alive when he took the cub, so what happened to her? The asshole probably shot her.
UPDATE: Make sure you read vampire nomad's post today on yet another crime against defenseless animals. Homie Bear is pretty laid back, but one thing he gets riled up about is this kind of shit.
UDDATE#2: After tomorrow the link for the article will be gone, so the article states that a guy in Quebec tried to kidnap a bear cub, and in order to subdue it he repeatedly ran over it with his jetski.

My internet was cut out rather suddenly last night. It felt sort of like losing a limb. It was crazy windy here yesterday, so maybe a tree fell on a line. But as you can see, it's working now and once more I am free to wreak textual havoc! So . . . what do you want to talk about? The weather??? That's not very havocky.
Well, since I only recently woke up, all I really have to say so far today is that I had a pretty cool dream involving polar bears last night. There was a family of five of them stalking a galloping horse on Mountain Street in my hometown of Hinton. I could see all of this from my Grandpa's house, but in order to get a better look we piled into a helicopter that happened to be handy. There was more, involving instant replay time travel, but already the memory fades.

An old friend called me up today- he has been away for the last year or so, so it was good to hook up with him. He invited me out to his brother's pooker game. So of course I went. Made some money (since the stakes are so small, it sounds better for me to say I doubled my money rather than give an actual figure, which is much less impressive). I have yet to lose money at a table other than my own. I should really be a rounder.

The more I listen to the Underworld soundtrack, the more I like it. It's not all just one flavour- Milla Jovovich provides a beautiful track with otherworldly (sorry- underworldly) vocals and atmospherics, and there is plenty of loud, heavy distortion stuff. Interspersed throughout are scored tracks from the movie, which are really cool. But it's all good. Though the death metal track by Dillinger Escape Plan hasn't really grabbed me, and I actually like death metal, which I know is something of an aquired taste, or at least something for which a tolerance must be built up. David Bowie is even on this disc! Nine Inch Nails' Danny Lohner compiled and produced the album, cowriting a lot of the songs (including Milla's). Maynard James Keenan (who may himself be a vampire), Filter's Richard Patrick, Page Hamilton from Helmet and Wes Borland all show up, too, so lots of talent here. My own contribution to the soundtrack, however, wasn't used. It was a little death metal number I call, "Stupid Werewolves!!!!" and it goes like this (make sure you sing it with death metal growl):

You stupid werewolves!!!!
Always turning into wolves!!!
Why don't you leave those vampires alone!!!!
They are cooler and sexier than you!!!!
But maybe not as strong!!!!!
So anyways quit being so stupid!!!!
Although I like Lucian and that guy with the wicked voice!!!!
He should be in a death metal band too!!!!

Lydia sent me a bear joke today, which I include here as a guest poost:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian
now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."

Tonight was one of those great nights at the Gathering, which is certainly not an unusual statement for me to make, but tonight was especially so. It was Sanctuary's last night together, and they went out with a bang. I loved it. Beautiful- one of those experiences that makes you think all is right with the world, that you could legitimately live out all those things that guy kept talking about back in Nazareth a long time ago. Stuff about love and peace and grace. That's how it struck me, anyways. So thank you, Deb, Craig and Scottie. And Shannie too. Oh yeah and as a special surprise to me, Gotthammer Mike bought me a book for my birthday and got me to read it as the children's story tonight. The book? Everyone Poops. Astonishingly, I have never read this book before tonight (though I had heard of it), so it was quite the experience to read it aloud without knowing just how . . . detailed and accurate it was. It was great. So thanks to Mike, as well.
Yup, a perfect night. Just listening to the Underworld soundtrack now as I wind down- good ambient night music. So have a good, and ambient, night.

Sometimes an idea is so simple, yet brilliant, that when someone else comes up with it before you do, you can't help but feel a little dumb. Oh well. I'm glad someone decided it would be cool to have a movie with vampires, werewolves, leather and lycra, guns (very cool guns with very cool bullets), and all with Matrixy sensibilities. Because if I had come up with the idea, it would still be just an idea. But instead we can go see Underworld right now and appreciate all its gothic kickassness. Kate Beckinsale is great. There's one guy in it who is not so great, but at least you can watch Kate be pissed off at him for the entire movie. I'm sure some of her pissedoffness was real, as she was forced to deal with his incompetence as an actor. That small complaint aside, I was quite pleased that someone had not just the idea, but the wherewithal to pull it off. Or should I say the wherewithalness? A werewolf with wherewithal.
And if anyone should know vampires, it is vampirenomad. I'm sure this new and mysterious entity will have something to say on the subject.

I used to have a cichlid named Willie. He was yellow and vicious, as many cichlids are. Actually all cichlids are vicious, but only many are yellow. One day I moved and Willie, sadly, perished. It seems the new water in his fishtank was too fresh and lacking in nutrients or whatever fish need to survive. So he died. I watched him die- he started swimming in funny patterns, which I had never seen him do before. I thought he was dancing- I even called my room mate over to watch. But it turns out it was the Dance of the Dead because he went belly-up and I was sad. Now I am about to move again, and I am contemplating how to do so in such a way that my new cichlid, a blue and vicious one named Bruce, will survive the process. I haven't come up with a workable plan so far, seeing as how Star Trek transporters have yet to be invented. If any of you have fish and have suggestions, I would appreciate them.

When I was in grade 7, during the coldest parts of winter, my friend Peter and I would forge detention slips so that we wouldn't have to go outside for recess. Since we had received plenty of legitimate detention slips, we knew exactly how they had to look. No one ever caught on, because who would willingly take detention? It was the prefect crime. But in a way, we still got punished for it, since we did serve detention. Though in this case serving the punishment was our crime. Well, whatever.
I remember one time my music teacher tied me to my chair so that I couldn't get up and wander around and annoy her anymore. Peter laughed and laughed at me. I was tied up so I couldn't punch him in the nose.
Those were the good old days. It was all about mischief, rather than being a badass. It still kind of is, though. But honest mischief is harder to get into when you're an adult. Or at least, "authorities" and "responsible people" can't seem to distinguish between mischief and criminal behaviour, and so you have to be more careful. And believe me, I know whereof I speak.

Duendes Everywhere I Turn!
If my sister ever comes back here, I would tell her about a place I learned about just now from Outside magazine called Duende Vista. It's just a little surfing resort near Puerto Vallarta, but the name certainly caught my eye. Duende= zombie. If anyone (anyone at all, I'm not pointing directly at anyone here) wanted to know a little more about duendes, they might try here, which is something my sister wrote on the subject once.

Has anyone seen my sister? For I should very much like to speak with her.

DId some more cement work with my Dad today. I thought I should try and multitask while I was at it, since I have a lot of sermon-writing to do in the next little while, so I tried to come up with some ideas and such. But I found my mind occupied instead with coming up with alternate uses for the cement mixer my Dad rented. You could make one helluva lot of Kraft Dinner, for example, or do laundry. Both of those options are pretty boring, however, so I tried to think of something fun. I'm not sure exactly how you would accomplish this, but I thought if you dyed the concrete a reddish color and stuck a camcorder inside you could simulate being inside a volcano. That would be fun. Your camcorder might get a little cement on it, though. Maybe you could use a sludgy type of tomato soup or something. Or I know! You could . . . oh yeah, sermon writing. Right. Gotta go.

Mmmm new Sepultura! I picked up Roorback today, sounds pretty good so far. And I love the cover. For any U2 fans (I call them UPoo myself- but not because i think they are bad, just because it is much more fun than U2) they do a cover of Bullet the Blue Sky. I can not begin to convey to you the depth of love I have for the kings of Brazilian Death Metal. Even though they are not quite the same without Max, but Max went on and formed another kickass band (Soulfly) so really the world is richer. The new Sepulsinger, Derrick Green, is an adequate replacement- I can still accept them as Sepultura, whereas Metallica without James would cease to exist in my mind. Last year when Rowan and I went to the Slayer/Soulfly concert, we went totally nuts when Soulfly started playing Roots Bloody Roots. They also played Chaos A.D. (technically called Refuse/Resist for you purists) from the old days, as well as some great Soulfly tunes. That concert was the night before my birthday last year, and Rowan gave me a frisbee for my birthday present. I always loved that frisbee, which he has had since high school- he painted the logo you see at the start of this poost onto it. And he gave it to me. Do I have the best friends ever or what?

In Confucian days, filial piety was a big deal. You know, respecting and revering your father. I'd just like to say I would have made a great Confucian. Maybe even a great Confucius. Today I went and helped my Dad pour concrete for his new shed. Last year at this time I built his garage for him (well, not exactly single-handedly) and I built his fence and helped with his flowerbed. As Confucius Bear said, "Far better for a bear to poo in the woods than in your flowerbed."

Emmylou Harris has a new CD coming out next week! It's called Stumble Into Grace. What great news. I love her. She sang at Johnny's funeral yesterday, Old Rugged Cross and Every Grain Of Sand, along with Sheryl Crow. I think I have decided on a CD to review for you, Tammy.

I just watched The Ring. It wasn't bad. To be honest, I didn't find it to be as scary as I had heard it was, and was hoping it would be. Of course, the phone rang right after, and I sure as hell didn't pick it up- I just let Andrew answer it. Poor unsuspecting sap down in his crypt- he's only got seven days to live.

I have two weeks to read Cryptonomicon, by Neal Stephenson. My room-mate Andrew lent it to me, and I want to give it back to him before I move (oh yeah I'm moving). I love Stephenson's books, but they are not light reads- Cryptonomicon is 1152 pages. So, in two weeks (divide by 14, factor in the apple pi and nominate the denominator) that is about 800 pages per day. Don't think I can do it, especially considering how busy the next two weeks will be.. It took me almost that long to read the relatively lightweight Road Fever, which I finally finished today. Hmmm. I think the solution is to write my own version of Cryptonimicon, and tell Andrew that I read it.

There once was a man who lived in a crypt, and he was something of an icon to all the other crypt-dwellers he roomed with. But then one day he announced he was moving out of the crypt into a much nicer place whose only connection to crypts was that it was relatively close to a cemetary. This made all the other crypt-dwellers very mad, and they attempted to kill Cryptonimicon by placing a cassowary in his crypt one day while he was out. But Cryptonimicon was much too smrt for that, and he befriended the cassowary (after a briefly scary encounter in which the cassowary came this close to eviscerating Cryptonimicon), and hired it to perform certain secret agent missions in New Zealand and Wabamun, the details of which muist remain somewhat cryptic in order to preserve the safety of the cassowary. The end.

"Here's your book back, Andrew. Thanks."
"Yeah no problem. Did you like it?"
"Uh-huh, it was great, especially the part about the cassowary."
" . . . ?"

I just typed google into google to see what would come up. Basically, google.

Six years ago today I embarked on the adventure of a lifetime- I set out to hitch-hike across Canada for no good reason other than that I wanted to. When I told my parents of my plan, saints that they are, they just said, "Why don't you drive your car?" I told them that wasn't the point, and they seemed to understand. They were kind enough to drive me to the highway, just outside of Edmonton. I remember that day clearly- it was raining and miserable, kind of like today. I took it as a test- how badly did I want to do this? So I stuck out my thumb and started walking to Newfoundland. Soon enough people picked me up and drove me a ways down the road, sometimes dropping me off in the worst locations, sometimes going out of their way to make sure I was set up for my next "appointment". After that first day, the weather was mostly good for the duration of my trip, though once winter hit in November it started to get cold, of course, but by then I was heading back westward towards home, so I felt justified in buying a train pass- plus I wanted to take a little sidetrip up north to Churchill, which is only accessible by train or plane.
I was trying to think of a highlight of that trip for you guys, but really the whole thing was great. And besides, I've already told a number of stories here relating to that trip. If you feel like reminiscing with me, click here, her, there, where and hear.

7DF played at the G for the first time in a while. It was good, especially since, as a birthday nod to me, they played Hey Hey Hey Homie Bear. I love that song. Everyone should have their own theme song. But only I do! Na na na na na na!
Oh yeah, and mission accomplished as far as getting my Mom a gift- but don't tell her- I haven't given it to her yet. I think she'll really like it- it's a Cuban cigar! Just kidding, it's actually a PlayStation 2 game.

It's my beautiful Mom's birthday today. Though she doesn't so much know about the Woods and thus doesn't read it, I just wanted to send her some happy birthday vibes. Especially if I fail in my mission to procure her a suitable gift today. Plus she is driving home from Hinton today in this amazingly bad weather- it's not the rain that's bad so much as the wind- I thought Little Green Jellybean might be a Little Green Jumping Bean today coming home from Wabamun.
Travis's birthday today, too, though I already wished him well this morning at the cabin. All us 29 year olds, desperately clinging to the last vestiges of our youth.

I have a hard time saying Wabamun but luckily I don't have a hard time finding it. Travis gave me directions that included "go 3.2 kilometers and turn right". Had a great time out there (you may recall me mentioning it as the scene of a tornado last month, and driving home today I was a little worried said scene might be repeated) seeing old friends. Jonny Smelter and Travis were there, but also a whole Herd of Hintonites from the olden days of my youth. I think it's kind of cool how they stick together, long after leaving the nest. There was food and drink and fire and fireworks. The fireworks were fun, though we had to dodge one rocket that sort of went the wrong way. Didn't see any bears, though there were plenty of bear stories around the campfire. And a few people who weren't even me told some poo stories, so really, what more can you ask for in life?

I just saw Once Upon a Time in Mexico. I loved it- a worthy successor to Desperado, though calling it a sequel is not necessarily accurate. Johnny Depp (Depperado!) steals the show, of course, he is excellent and hilarious. Go see it, unless you have an aversion to over-the-top violence (though I would say it is less violent than Desperado in volume, if not in specifics). The soundtrack is almost another character in the movie, too- I think I will get that one. The director actually scored the movie himself, with Johnny Depp writing his character's theme, and Antonio Banderas I noticed had a songwriting credit too. Very cool. Click here for a tracklisting- Depp wrote Sands' Theme.
And now I am off to Wabamun to see Jonny Smelter, a man who bears more than a passing resemblance to Depp, incidentally. Adios!

No! Johnny Cash passed away last night. May he rest in peace, united with the wife he loved and the God he worshipped.

Lydia is the winner of the Black Polar Bear poetry contest. You're still welcome to submit, though. Technically the prose category is still open. Which reminds me, I was working on another poem myself:

The black polar bear was hunting and caught a white seal
The seal said "If you don't eat me I will make you a deal
"If you let me go free I will give you one wish
"I can give you an unending supply of fresh fish!"

“I can catch lots of fish on my own I am sure
“But I do wish I had a different color of fur
"It's difficult to hide in the snow when you're black
"Making it hard to pull off a surprise attack"

"Hmm," said the seal, "I see what you mean
"And so I will turn you the color of green!"
"How do you like that?" said the seal with great pride
"Now don't you wish that you had specified?"

"But too bad for you a deal is a deal
"And I am still just a seal not a meal!"
The bear had to admit that he had been bested
So he let the seal go away unmolested

But if he ever caught a selkie again
He decided to not go toe to toe with its brain
Instead he would simply ignore all its cries
And eat it straight up- that would be wise

But in the meantime he had to deal with the fact
That he was now green and no longer black
Before he at least could hunt in the night
Now he would hunt by the Northern Light

And it could go on and on but I grow weary of it. Hey Selkie- I worked selkie in! Nice, eh? I thought selkies were baby seals but it turns out they are spirits from Irish legend so it kind of fits with the trickster seal here.

Very early this morning, while I was waiting for ERM to get ready, I talked to Lydia via MSN. She asked me what the best birthday present I ever got was, and I couldn't even think of any birthday presents, I was so tired. Well, I am still tired, and ever-so-slightly buzzed, but I think the best presents weren't so much the presents as the people who blessed me. Like when I first moved to Edmonton in 1989, i was 15, and on my birthday I still didn't really have any friends yet, so I stayed at home watching Empire Strikes Back with my Mom. Yoda was just explaining how there is no try, just do's or do not do's, when the doorbell rang. I went and answered it, and there was no one there. I was just about to shut the door when out from behind the hedges jumped first Jonny Smelter and then Travis, my two best friends in the whole world! My mom had made arrangements for them to come in from Hinton and surprise me. We spent the whole weekend together and it was great. What a lift.
Also, three years ago, Travis (whose birthday is on the 14th) called me up and took me out for a drink. While we were sitting there talking his cell phone rang, and it was Doug, another ex-Hintonite and old friend. Travis and Doug are forever helping fix each other's vehicles, and Doug wanted to know if Trav could come over and help him with his truck. Trav was like, "Well, let me just ask Nath if he wants to come too," and of course I told him I didn't mind, so we went to Doug's place. We walked into their house and I saw Doug's wife Cindy, who I have known since I was a baby, her sister Carlene and next to her was my Mom and my then-girlfriend. It took a second to register the oddness of them being there, and then they all yelled surprise! Travis had set it all up. The guy is a true sweetheart. Just don't tell him I said that.
Travis called me this morning too, and coincidentally, informed me that Jonny Smelter is in town! That may be the best news I've heard since . . . yesterday, I guess.

I guess I must have been pretty nice, cause Trevor bought me more than one beers. Precisely how many is difficult to say at this juncture. And the waitress was kind enough to bring me a shooter compliments of the house- a Gladiator I think she called it. She was horrified that I would request straight up rye so I told her to surprise me. Earlier we went and rescued Trevor's wife's car which broke down. We determined that it had ran out of oil due to a rather serious leak caused by overheating.
I still have a headache, though. Evil room mates.

Blech. It's not fair feeling hungover when you haven't been drinking. I think Evil Room-Mate caught his plane- I can't be sure because I was already gone by the time he turned and said "Thanks for the ri . . ." Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way, I can get on with my day. Which consists of not really doing much. Well, I guess I am going to see Trevor for a bit- he might buy me a beer if I'm real nice. Special thanks to Lydia, Erica, Danielle, Travis and the Edmonton Oilers for the nice greetings/emails this morning. I'm not sure which of the Oilers remembered and sent the email, but his thoughtfullness is certainly appreciated.

So early . . . room-mate so slow . . . he needs ride to airport . . . first he has to brush his teeth . . . then run upstairs for something . . . oops he forgot his cellphone . . . now he decides to repack his bag . . . grrrr . . . I think he will miss his plane. . . we were supposed to leave half an hour ago . . . I just want to sleep . . . dream of cassowaries . . . and cake . . . cassowary cake . . . mmmm

Something I wrote one year ago for the Gathering's website. It was up for a while but has since been retired. I thought it would be appropriate to put it back out there (just not here- that's why I have my other blog). I think that's all I have to say about that, though.

Yay! An entry for the poetry contest, from Lydia. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to declare myself the winner by default. You still have until tonight to submit a story or poem to try and win. But Lydia's is a pretty fine piece of work:

Ode to an Epileptic Black Bear

It’s midnight. I’m trying to sleep,
My feets are tangled up in my sheets,
And my sheets are tangled all up with my legs
And there’s a big black bear under my bed.

Can’t see him. it’s too dark and dim,
Underneath the bed, he’s making a din,
Uh, a ruckus, I mean, a really loud noise
Uh, noise? Noise? What rhymes with noise?

I think to myself as the bed starts to pitch
Wood groaning underneath his horrible fit
While pillows fly one way, I fly another
Down on the floor with a thump and my brother

Comes running upstairs to see what’s the matter
He turns on the light and the black bear grows flatter
Against the wall, his fit to an end
and my elbow won’t bend

so I nurse it with a tonic of ice in a blend
of gin with a friend.

"I have a proposal for you," he said one day at Subway.
"What kind of proposal?" she asked, chewing on her footlong meatball sub.
"A marriage proposal! I propose that you marry me. I think there are many advantages, ranging from economical to aesthetic, that you will find quite agreeable."
"Uhh . . . you're funny."
"Well thank you, I believe that is the first time anyone has ever said that. Now, do you accept or reject my proposal?"
"I think I will . . . reject it."
"Oh. I see. Well, can I have your Sub stamps then?"
"No, I need those. Can't you just take as many as you want, since you work here?"
"No, my manager won't let me."
"But she lets you propose to your customers?"
"Well, she doesn't really know about that."

Sepultura wrote a song called Manifest on their Chaos A.D. album (utterly fantastic, bombastic CD, by the way), about the massacre at the Carandiru penitentiary in Sao Paulo. Now there is a movie based on the lives of the inmates leading up to the massacre, called Carandiru.
I didn't know that Sepultura have a new album out. Cool cover. I am listening to their last album right now, Nation. Although it is hard to consider them the same band without Max, they are still pretty great. I will have to pick up the new one. They do a cover of Bullet the Blue Sky. And hey! Looking at the track listing for Chaos A.D. I see they must have rereleased it with a bunch of extra tracks, some live stuff and one called Chaos B.C. I might have to procure those tracks somehow. Oh- it turns out Chaos BC is a remix of AD. Fair enough. Actually I think I knew that.

I came this close to being eviscerated by a cassowary last night in my dreams. And my room-mates not only didn't care, they had actually set the giant bird loose in the house on purpose, hoping it would use its finely sculpted velociraptor claw to rip me open. It had its claw right on the soft part of my tummy just under the rib cage and was about to slice, when it heard a can of cat food being opened in the kitchen. Never again will I begrudge a cat-typhoon set off by the sound of a can opener. Oh yeah and there were wampas in my dream, too.
Johnny Cash was once seriously injured by an emu in much the same way, only in real life.

You think that's sad? *
I claim to be a child of the '80's, but I have never even seen a single episode of the A-Team. Haven't seen Dirty Dancing. Or Pretty in Pink. Top Gun? Well, once, when it was new. Lots of '80's music escaped my radar completely. Mostly because as a young cub, I spent a lot of time outside playing with my friends, and most of my childhood was pre-VCR. And I was pretty focussed on a pretty narrow range of pop culture back then- pretty much Star Wars and comic books. Oh well. The 80's were kind of a travesty, anyway. I'm kind of glad I spent most of it oblivious to the world. But I did see E.T. and the Karate Kid (Parts 1 and 2, but not 3), and Gremlins and Goonies. Back to the Future, Mask, Stand By Me and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Terminator and Rocky III (but not 1 or 2) and the Last Starfighter. So I guess I took part in the '80's after all, come to think of it. But still, the A-Team? Everyone loves the A-Team, and I totally missed out. Sort of like Woodstock for the '60's- unless you were there you missed the entire decade.

*River Selkie thought it was sad that I had never seen some of the Disney movies she listed in the Droppings a few poosts down.

Having trouble coming up with an entry for the Black Polar Bear Poetry contest (for details scroll down a bit)? You can try the haiku generator. Though I suppose that would be plagiarism.

Oops. Grandma's birthday is not until the 19th. Not the 9th. The 19th. I always get that mixed up.

Has anyone heard of Nonzero: The Logic of Human Destiny, by Robert Wright? I picked it up today at my local used bookstore, along with Harry Pooter and the Goblet of Fire. I thought that was the third one but it turns out it is the fourth. Oh well. There was a 20% off sale so I decided to take a risk on the Nonzero book- it could be either very interesting or quite boring. I don't even know what a zero-sum game is. Guess I'll find out.

Remind me to call my Grandma tomorrow (today I guess)- it's her birthday.

Thanks for your anime suggestions last week. Due to the logistical problems of procuring some of them, we have settled on watching Trigun, a series Andrew has in its entirety already. It's kind of a future western. For some reason I thought it would be about giant robots a la Shogun Warriors. We have watched four episodes so far, and while it's no Cowboy Bebop, I actually like it quite a bit. Even though it has some of that weird anime stuff that Bebop was devoid of, things like googly eyes and bizarre facial expressions. Once you get past that it is quite funny and cleverly written. Sort of like here at the Woods - once you get past all the silly poo jokes you find nothing but amazing writing, right? Me am good riter all time.

New iamnext column, finally. The link doesn't seem to work at the moment, though. Actually none of the iamnext links seem to be working, so it must be their server. Well, since you have nothing to read, you might as well work on your polar bear poem! The contest closes in two more days.

I watched Disney's Robin Hood earlier today, what a great movie. And I had a revelation- I think Robin Hood was the main influence for the Dukes of Hazzard. Think about it- the minstrel with his cool theme song and intermittent narration is totally like Waylon Jennings. The bumbling sherrif, the two good ole boys, the General Lee, it all fits. Bo Duke- Robin Hood had a bow and arrow. Uncle Jesse is Friar Tuck. Boss Hogg corresponds to King John. I guess Roscoe is a merger of both the Sherrif of Nottingham and Hiss. Daisy is of course Maid Marian though she obviously can't be a love interest to her cousins.

I'm reading Road Fever right now. It's by Tim Cahill (my very favoritest writer as you know) and is about a roadtrip he took from the very south tip of South America all the way up as far as you can drive in Alaska, all in just over three weeks. Surprisingly, I am past page 100 and he still hasn't started the actual trip. I guess such a short trip doesn't really give one a whole book's worth of material. I am giving Mr. Cahill the benefit of the doubt- I am sure the second half of the book will more than make up for the lack of excitement in the first. His other books that I've read are all collections of magaine articles he did for Outside and various other publications, so they are all a lot shorter and more to the point. Try this one: Remote Journeys Oddly Rendered. This was the first of his books I bought, because the version I bought had a poolar bear on the cover. I would give you my favorite passage but sadly I lent it to my Dad long, long ago and have not yet gotten it back.

Some more bear-related stuff from Lydia, though not an entry to the contest, because: This isn't an original poem, but it is something my dad used to quote to me when i was little about a very special bear:

Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?

and here's something else my dad used to say. (i'm starting to believe that shok is a bear in disguise!) Mr. Bear was the principal of his elementary school. when dad was in grade 1, all of the kids learned how to sing:
"Mr. Bear lost his hair and found it in his underwear!"

Polar Bear Poetry Contest Rules
And just in case you don't read the comments (droppings), for the poetry contest, River Selkie asked if the poem has to rhyme. No. And also I decided to add a prose category in case you want to write a non-poetic story about our friend the last black polar bear. And heck, if you happen to be walking in the Arctic and actually see one, take a picture and send it in. So, the poetry category is completely open ended- you can do haiku, haipoo, limericks, free-verse, whatever. And the story can be about anything at all, as long as an actual, non-metaphorical black polar bear figures in it somehow. You can enter by emailing me, and the contest is open to anyone.

He's the last living black polar bear
Ursis maritimus with brunette hair
An anti-albino Arctic animal anomaly
Melpomene's very own private North Pole-my-knee
Jet black get back goth smack chiller
Razor claws toothy jaws icy-cold killer
Last of his kind going out of his mind
Glacier sliding iceberg hiding glaring snowblind

I have been wanting to try some non-story/narrative poetry for a while, something more along the lines of what Rob Zombie wrote back in the White Zombie days (I love the opening line from More Human than Human: "I am the astro-creep, a demolition style hell american freak/ I am the crawling dead- a phantom in a box shadow in your head" Astro Creep 2000 is a fantastic disc, by the way). You know, something that sounds kind of cool but doesn't necessarily say or mean anything or make any sense. But I also think there is a good narrative story in there somewhere too- perhaps I will revisit the concept, or maybe you can try your hand at some Polar Poetry. Or Poolar Pooetry. Yeah- it will be a pre-bloggiversary contest- send me your poem about the last living black polar bear. That will be fun. Winner will get, let's see . . . a copy of Astro Creep 2000! Or maybe something nice. I'll have to think about it, and maybe customize the prize to the guys. Sorry, once I get rhymey it's hard to stop. But yeah it was cool how River Selkie sent a totally relevant prize, so I think that would be nice to do. You have till my birthday to get your entry in. No wait! It'll be my birthday contest, so have it in by the 10th, and I'll announce the winner on the 11th.

Lydia sent me this link about the Last Black Poolar Bear. Although the article isn't what you might think, (or at least it wasn't what I thought) it does get you to thinking, doesn't it? Like maybe it should be a song or something. Thanks Lydia! Hmmm. . .

I can be kind of a sucker for advertising, like I alluded to in my DVD poost. Arby's especially has a way of making my mouth water for one of their roast beef sandwiches. Which is surprising for two reasons: first, hardly anyone in the world actually likes Arby's. And second, they have about the worst commercials ever. Right now their advertising features their new mascot- Oven Mitt. Who is, naturally, an oven mitt with googly eyes. It really makes me wonder who comes up with this stuff. Seriously, give me half the pay and I guarantee I can come up with something better than a talking oven mitt for a mascot. And even if that's all I could come up with, I would at least try to invent a better name for it than Oven Mitt. Is the McDonald's mascot named Annoying Clown? Of course not.
Actually, a few years ago, two major sub vendors went head-to-head in a commercial war, and I would have to say they both lost. They probably used the same advertising agency as Arby's. One of the restaurants had a shadow puppet shilling for them. An insanely irritating shadow puppet. And the other one had a brown paper bag.
So, Major Corporation Representative, I hereby offer my services to you if you need to design a new mascot. I work cheap, and I promise not to pitch a piece of poo as a mascot. We'll save all the poo to pitch at people who think an oven mitt is a good mascot.
By the way, Arby's thinks you might actually want to buy oven mitt merchandise.

I saw Alex today and he presented me with a little token of his gratitude for helping out at his wedding- a Montecrisco cigar from Cuba! Very nice. I shall be smoking that one very soon- I don't want it to go stale- Alex reminded me of the sorry cigar I brought along on the Chilkoot Trail. Too sad.
For some reason we were talking about various resorts around the world, and I decided that the Antarctic was lacking in suitable tourist destinations. So I think I should open a resort there one day, and call it Penguin Poo! We will make sure to have a humidor and cigar bar there, featuring all the finest tobaccos from around the world, including a new Antarctican variant I will introduce, called Almirantarctic. So when Penguimn Poo opens you all are invited. Just mention Homie Bear sent ya and I will get you a discount.

Since I was so pleasantly surprised by The Royal Tenenbaums last week, I watched Rushmore today (It's directed by the same guy, Wes Anderson, and cowritten by him and Owen Wilson) I know, I'm a little behind the times on this one, what can I say. Rushmore is also very good. Though I liked Tenenbaums better, I would have to say. Still haven't seen Raising Arizona yet, and I looked for it, too. Oh well. The Coens have a new movie coming out this fall, by the way, called Intolerable Cruelty. Looks good- more conventional than most of their work, or at least seems to be. You never know with them, though. Maybe it's a romatic comedy in the vein of The Big Lebowski. That would be great.

Ever since Sunday night at the Symphony I have been listening to the Fantasia soundtrack pretty consistently. It is very peaceful and soothing. I think I will have to pick up both Fantasia and Fantasia 2000 on DVD sometime. First up, though, will be the upcoming release of Sleeping Beauty, and next month The Lion King will be put out on disc. I have quite a large collection of Disney DVD's now- I just find that cartoons are easy and fun to watch more than once, whereas a movie like the Recruit, for example, while good, is not something you're going to watch over and over again over the years. Not to say that I don't have a few duds in my DVD collection- for some reason I bought The Planet of the Apes (2001) even though I had seen it in the theaters and knew it wasn't that good. I kind of got suckered by the radio ads for it- it said something like "best DVD ever!" and I was like, "Wow I should get that." So I did and now, well, if anyone wants to trade for a Planet of the Apes DVD, just email me. But you can't go wrong with Disney. My evil room-mate gives me a hard time for it, but his opinion matters little to me. Especially since he bought the entire first season of Dawson's Creek on DVD and watches it ALL THE TIME!
(Thanks or apoologies to River Selkie who pretty much got the dry run of this poost in her email inbox. And credit for the previous poost really goes to my sister for suggesting I explain how on Earth I intend to win the Stanley Cup. I have been having a bit of writer's block lately so suggestions are good)

For a Canadian, I am a pretty wretched skater. Even worse stickhandler. In fact, it would be safe to say that I suck at hockey. Unless enthusiasm counts. Which it doesn't, at least not past grade 8 gym. So my dreams of winning a Stanley Cup someday will likely remain just that- dreams. Although I can literally say I have had dreams about it- I often dream that I am an Oiler. Once I dreamt that I was an Oiler, and someone signed me up to represent Canada in the Olympics in figure skating, probably as a practical joke, and I had to learn how to do jumps like triple axels and sowcows (I don't even know how to spell that one) and stuff. I was pretty nervous about it. I kind of made a fool of myself in the competition, but luckily it was just a dream.
Hockey season starts soon, so I will be poosting on Oilers Pundits again.

I want to win a Nobel Prize someday. And an Oscar. A Poollitzer or its actual real-life equivalent would be fine, as well. Maybe the Order of Canada. And of course I would love to win the Stanley Cup. And the lottery. But I feel no desire to be in the Guiness Book of World Records. That's just dumb. Though I could probably get in for "most mentions of the word 'poo' on a website".
And I can do without ever winning a Purple Heart.

Any Anime Eh?
A tradition my room-mate Andrew and I had last year was watching anime down in his room- we watched the entire series of Cowboy Bebop, which kicks ass. Then we watched Neon Genesis Evangelion, which was alright. We also watched Samurai Jack, which isn't anime but which is really cool. So this year we have wanted to continue the tradition, and last night we watched a couple of episodes of Berserk. Which I thought was kind of dumb. That's the problem- I think we watched all the good anime already. Does anybody have any suggestions of anime series we can watch that don't bear a resemblance to poo? Or some Samurai Jack-type thing we might not have heard of? We have watched many Miyazaki movies, so we know about those already. And Ghost in the Shell is really good, too. Other than that, though, it has been hard to find decent anime. But there has to be some out there.

Ilium is a new book by Dan Simmons, of Hyperion and Endymion fame, which you might recall me blogging about before. I haven't read Ilium, but it sounds like the kind of stuff I enjoy- he apparently has the Trojan War recreated by robots and taking place on Mars . . . and Shakespeare's The Tempest figures prominently, as well.
And here's a Lego game. It's fun but I don't really know what you have to do or anything. You seem to be some sort of robot who needs to find seaweed to fix his hut. At least that's all I can figure out so far. Maybe later on you have to recreate the Trojan War on Mars or something.

I have also figured out a workable way to go faster than light. It's quite simple, really. All you need is a giant record player or anything else that can provide some angular momentum (I think that is the right term). Say you have a giant pole in space, which has a string attached to it. If the string was a certain length, and the pole spun at a sufficient rate so that the string is making one revolution per minute, all you would need is for the circumference of the revolution to be one light minute long. Because the velocity at the end of the string would be lightspeed. Then, they guy holding onto the string would just have to let go and he would hurdle through space at lightspeed. And of course you could spin the pole faster to go faster. If your aim was good, you could go to Betelgeuse or anywhere you felt like. Just remember to pack a sandwhich and go poo before you leave!

The Universe Explained in a Timely Fashion
Queer Visions is an interesting blog about life, sexuality and the nature of time. Well, not specifically that last one, but he has poosted a few times recently about what time is, exactly. Or isn't. So I just thought I would share with you my own little hypothesis, guaranteed to be 100% scientifically accurate, it's just that I can't prove it with "formulas" and "equations".
The universe is made up of matter, energy, space and time. Matter and energy can be transformed into one another (that whole E=mc2 thing), but cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, it seems to me that space and time can be transformed into one another, but can not be created or destroyed. Thus I propose that since the universe is expanding, all that new space is really just used-up time converted into space. Simple, no? If this doesn't win me a Nobel Prize, I don't know what will.