Happy Canada Day to all you poopie heads!
The Dominion of Canada is 136 years old today.

Some of you may not be aware that the Hulk was once a Defender! Way back in the '70's he was a member of the Superhero Non-team, a sort of Anti-Avengers consisting of Dr. Strange, Namor the Sub-Mariner, the Silver Surfer, Valkyrie, Nighthawk and Hellcat. And though I readily admit I have a trace amount of geekoglobin flowing in my veins, I also have to say that I had to look that up- here is a good link for the Defenders so you can learn more about them if you like. I bring it up because when I was little I had a couple of issues (I think I still have them, actually) of the Defenders and they were great- I think it was intended to be more of a light-hearted book then the typical superhero comic. I had two parts of a three part story arc (and look- I found one of the cover images at that website!), so I would love to track down the third part to fit all the pieces together. It was about how the Hulk and Namor and Dr. Strange wind up on an alien world somehow, and embark on a quest to rid that world of tyranny. I remember they had to wear disguises for some reason. The world was populated by all sorts of strange and enigmatic denizens, including angel-like beings with their wings growing out of their ears and one fuzzy guy with three arms and three eyes- I think he was the captured King or something. Those were my favorite kind of stories- heroes lost in an unfamiliar world, doing heroic things.
Sort of like what I do here on Earth.

Finally saw Hulk today. Just got back, in fact, so this is pretty off-the-cuff. Hmmm. There were parts of it that I loved, and there were parts where I was keenly aware of how sore my back and neck get when I sit in a movie theater. But all the parts with the Hulk doing his thing were everything I was hoping for. Rampaging, raging, 'roidal Hulk. And that is why I went in the first place. Therefore, I give Hulk 2 and a half Poos out of Five. All the green made me very happy. Green is my favorite color you know.
I just overheard this on the news while I was typing, "Health specialists say there is little benefit in abstaining from sex for couples who are trying to conceive."

I finished reading Barry Hughart's Bridge of Birds today. What a great book- funny and insightful. At first I thought it was just a con artist book set in ancient China, but now that I'm done I see it is a masterful retelling (more like a complete revisioning) of one of the most beloved Chinese myths of all- the story of the Herdsman and the Weaver Girl.

Kind of by accident I found a blog called The Green Man- I clicked on the link to see if it had anything to do with the Sir Gawain legend I have been going on about lately- the one I rewrote in bear form. And it does! Yay! Here is a direct link to his poosts on the Green Man- has some cool pics. Then you can check out his newest poosts here.

You Know, For Kids!
Another great Coen Brothers movie is The Hudsucker Proxy. It has the same rapid-fire, hilarious and super-clever dialogue as The Big Lebowski, and has an equally (if not more) talented cast- Tim Robbins, Jennifer Jason Leigh and Paul Newman. It's a fictional story about the invention of the Hula Hoop, but is so much more than that. Set in 1958, it is full of late '50's slang and color. Jennifer Jason Leigh, who plays a reporter who once won a Poolitzer, deserved a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her pooformance. She was amazing. But I think this movie was largely ignored when it was released.
If you ever watch any Coen Brothers movies sequentially, you will notice a lot of the same actors being used, from big names like Steve Buscemi and John Turturro to relative unknowns who the Coens use with genius, like Charles Durning, who plays Waring Hudsucker, and Pappy O'Daniel in O Brother Where Art Thou.

The Dude Abides
One of my favorite movies ever is The Big Lebowski. I love that movie. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and go rent it right now. I remember renting it when it first came out on video, like five years ago. Back then I didn't have a VCR so I had to ask my downstairs room-mate (a great guy by the name of Vinnie- I think he was my very favorite room mate ever, which is saying a lot as I have had over 20 of them) if he would let me watch it on his. He looked at the tape, said, "The Big Lebowski? That movie's for shit. You ain't watching it down here." And so it was several years before I would get my own VCR (well, DVD player, actually) and could watch it. As much as I loved Vinnie, I have to say his taste in movies was for shit. Excuse my language, I should say poo. Anyways, the reason I bring it up today is I see there is a Big Lebowski convention in Kentucky in three weeks time. I won't be making it down, but if any of you are from the Louisville area, go check out the What-Have-You and let me know how it was.
Don't say I don't keep you privy to all the new shit. I mean, poo.

The Germans-in-Distress I referred to yesterday were a pair of tourists who had managed to get themselves deposited on the beaches of La Barra where my sister and I were enjoying a relaxing day. We were at a beach-side restaurant having lunch, when a taxi-boat pulled up with the two Euros. "Look," I said, "Whiteys!" We watched in fascination as the two whiteys argued with their boat operator. And argued. And argued. Finally, Nadine decided to go over to see if she could lend assistance. She went and translated for the overwhelmed trekkers, and managed to sort things out more or less satisfactorily. Turns out they were at the wrong beach altogether, or something like that. In gratitude they came and joined us for a while, and we talked and looked at their copy of Lonely Planet. Later we allowed them to come with us in our hired boat, back to the mainland (La Barra is also part of the mainland, but I don't know how else to describe it), and we sent them on their way. And that was that. But the cool thing about the whole epoosode was that my sister had saved the day, using her Spanish skills and knowledge of the local way of life. I was pretty impressed by that- she had only lived in Mexico for a year, and already she was pretty much fluent, "one of them."
My own Spanish skills are somewhat lacking. On my first day there, when I was at the bus depot in Cancun waiting for my bus to Veracruz, I struck up a conversation with a local man, using sign language and diagrams and a little card my Dad gave me, containing some common phrases. My Dad swore by the little card, and as he successfully motorcycled the length of the Baja Peninsula using the card to get by, I believed him. So when my new friend asked me what I did, I looked at the card, found "I am a student" (which wasn't true, but it was easier than trying to describe my actual situation), skimmed across to the español equivalent, and proudly declared, "Yo es estupido!"
I don't know why the authors of that little card felt that "I am stupid" would be a handy phrase, but they stuck it in there. Lucky for me. I stopped using the card after that, and instead just answered everything with "Si." Which caused more than one person to think I was estupido, I'm sure.

A new KoRn single was released today- it sounds pretty good. It's called Did My Time and will be on the Tomb Raider 2 soundtrack, as well as on their new album which is just being completed right now, so it probably will be a few months before it's released. I had no idea but the guys in KoRn were kind enough to send me an email informing me of the song. Me and the other millions of fans on their email list.

My sister lives in Comoapan, Veracuz, which is in an area that was once part of the Olmec Empire, long before the Mayans, Aztecs or Conquistadors gained ascendancy. So when I visited her in October, I was eager to learn more about them. She told me there was a place nearby called Tres Zapotes that had a museum with some Olmec artifacts, including the big stone heads for which they are famous. In the same conversation she told me about this other anthropological museum she had visited in Mexico City which was absolutely amazing. Somehow I got it in my head that the amazing museum and the Tres Zapotes museum were the same. They were not.
My cousin Tomas, who works for Sol/Superior and occasionally drives out to Tres Zapotes, heard of my desire to visit there, so he said he would take me next time he went. One morning I was sleeping comfortably in my hammock when cousin Rene came and informed me that Tomas was going to Tres Zapotes that day and that he would pick me up at the taxi stand in San Andres Tuxtla within the hour. So I jumped out of my hammock, dressed and raced to the Comoapan taxi stand in order to get to San Andres in time. Tomas was there, and off we went for an Olmec Adventure. We sang Olmec Donald had a farm . . . no we didn't. In fact, it was raining hard and it was very windy, so the drive was a little hazardous, what with the uneven Mexican roads and Tomas' little company Beetle. But we made it without mishap, and paid our entrance fees of 4 pesos to see this grand museum. It consisted of a little platform on which were held a number of faded old stone artifacts, and a couple of the stone heads. It took me about four minutes to take it all in. So I took it in again, in order to justify all the trouble Tomas had gone through. We took some pictures, and then there was literally nothing else to do, so we left. I think we were there ten minutes in total.
Later my sister and I looked at a copy of Lonely Planet that some Germans-in-Distress had, and the entry for Tres Zapotes said something like, "The museum at Tres Zapotes is disappointingly small, and is not to be mistaken for the much better museum in Mexico City." Oh well, I'm glad I went- it was fun, and it was a good bonding time with Tomas, who is a fine man.

Remember a while back when I poosted two versions of an old Chinese poem by Li Po? That same poem, Drinking Alone by Moonlight, is used in Bridge of Birds. A minor coincidence, to be sure, but I thought it was cool.

A strange and wonderful book has come to me from the jungles of Veracruz, Mexico, about a China that never was. My sister sent it to me via my parents a while back, and I am just now reading it. It's called Bridge of Birds by Barry Hughart, and if you have ever heard of it I will be very impressed. I certainly never have. It's about Number Ten Ox (who is not an ox but a very strong guy) and a scholar with a slight flaw in his character named Li Kao. They are on a quest to find the Great Root of Power in order to cure the children of their village. But it's basically a con artist misadventure story. I'm loving it.
I'm kind of curious as to how this English book about ancient (fictional) China made its way down to Mexico, though. Written inside the front cover is the name Michael Bollman, and the date 6/19/85. So this book has been around. I wonder if Michael Bollman remembers this book? Where is he now? Does he want it back? 18 years (and one week) is a long time to have lost a book, he probably doesn't care anymore. I think Michael Bollman was backpacking in Mexico 18 years ago, and brought this book with him, and he left it in San Andres Tuxtla after he was finished with it, where it languished all these many years until my sister rediscovered it, like an ancient Olmeca funerary tablet.
Poohaps you can tell us a tale, dear sister? How did this book wind up in your hands?

"Cynical and anti-life" was a compliment, back in my high school days. Our ultimate insult, however, was, "You remind me of a Saturday." I think this originated with Fat Albert. But it became our way of saying you have no class. Classiness is an important quality, you know. To this day I always strive to not be like unto a Saturday. I heard a similar burn recently, "He has a lot of class, but all of it is low."
Going back even further in time, in junior high I shared an inside joke with my friend Peter, where we would always wish each other luck with the following blessing: "Fall and die!" I think I just blurted that out one time to him, for no reason, and when he looked hurt, I quickly offered up the explanation that I was wishing him luck. And so it became. When we wanted to jinx someone, we would utter, "Fall and be hurt." I guess the rationale being that it would be better to die quickly and painlessly than to linger on, maimed and mangled, for who knows how long. Yeah, it's kind of lame, but the fall and die thing was fun, especially at track meets and such when we would cheer each other on that way.
Nowadays I suppose I might say something like, "May all your poos be . . ." uhh, never mind, I think I will stick with the Fall and Die. It's classier.

Movie Reviewers' Code of Ethics
Thou shalt not put any spoilers in thy reviews.
Thou shalt not let other reviewers or popular opinion sway thy judgement.
Thou shalt not talk down to thy readers, who are often smarter than thee.
Thou shalt not let the fact that you are a movie reviewer rather than a movie maker make thee bitter.
Thou shalt judge the actors' performances based on the movie in question, and not their previous work.
Thou shalt, uh . . .

Umm, as you can see this is a work in poogress. Any suggestions?

Okay so I still haven't seen Hulk yet. Despite the mixed reviews, I still plan to. Even though I write movie reviews myself (well, a few, so far), I always advocate forming your own opinion, as often mine are at variance with everyone else's anyways. For example, a local critic, Marc Horton, has such an oppoosite view of what makes a good movie as I, that if he gives a movie a bad review, I want to see it. And vice versa for a good review. Although to be honest I generally don't bother reading what he has to say. Apparently he even gave away the ending to The Sixth Sense, which should be against the Movie Reviewer's Code of Ethics. However, many, many years ago he said something about Alien 3 (which coincidentally enough I just watched last night for the first time since its opening weekend) that became a beloved catchphrase for my friend Rowan and I- he called it "cynical and anti-life". When Rowan or I dub something with these words, we are bestowing high praise indeed.
Anyways, somehow I got off on a big, irrelevant ramble there. I was speaking of the Hulk. Though the Hulk is not particularly cynical or especially anti-life, I have always been a huge fan of the Green Goliath. Last year when I went to New York, and was just starting to get into the whole writing thing, I wrote a little tribute to my friend Jonny Smelter, as well as my hometown of Hinton, and of course it featured the Incredible Hulk, albeit in an indirect way. So I went and poosted it over at the Cave, which gives you lots to read there, if you are so inclined. I'm even putting a link, this time. Just for you.

A while back I was talking about Dan Simmons' Hyperion , and I mentioned the essay I wrote back in university. I found it on my hard drive today, so I poosted it at my other blog, for those of you who are interested. Do you remember how to get there? Because I'm not telling.

You might not know this about us Canadians, but we don't get MTV up here. We have our own channel, Muchmusic. So anyways, when I heard MTV was doing a Metallica tribute show, MTVicon, I was sad because I would miss it. For some reason it never occurred to me until today that I could probably find it on the internet, if I knew where to look. So I did- portions, anyway, and some in video and some just audio. You know who really impressed me? Limp Bizkit. Yeah, they've had some meltdowns in the last little while, (and I suppose you could say Metallica has too), but they did Sanitarium and it was a pretty killer performance. Fred Durst is a fine front man, no matter what you might think about him or his band otherwise. Still, they will sorely miss Wes Borland, I think.
Avril Lavigne also performed, doing Fuel, and it actually wasn't total poo. I was somewhat diappointed in KoRn's version of One, since KoRn covering Metallica should theoretically be my idea of Heaven, but oh well. That was just audio so maybe the video would be better. I seem to remember reading that they first did that song at a party and Kirk and Lars joined them onstage, a couple years ago. UPDATE: I just saw the video for the KoRn One- it was killer. All is well in the universe!
And then Sum 41 did a pretty cool little medley, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Enter Sandman and Master of Puppets. I also found a file that pooported to be Staind, doing Nothing Else Matters, but when I played it it was some big band doing muzak, although the song was Nothing Else Matters, just it had no relation to the Metallica one.

My plans to see Hulk fell through, so I will get to that next week sometime, hopefully. But I did finally get around to reading a Harry Pooter book, and I liked it. I 've been meaning to read those for a while, but I never had a copy handy. I liked Hagrid the best. I think I heard there's even a new book that just came out this week. Harry Pooter and the Thieves of Merseyside or something like that. But since I prefer used bookstores to buying them new, it might be a while before I get to any of the other ones. I want to at least read the next one before I watch the movies. And besides, those Phillip Pullman books are a higher priority to me- I liked the Golden Compass better than Harry Pooter, not to take anything away from Harry. It's just the Pullman books are that good. Darker, although I hear the other Pooter books get quite violent. Good children's literature is always a little violent and dark. Look at the Brothers Grimm or Roald Dahl. Heck, even Walt Disney. I read a lot of dark stuff growing up and look at me now- a perfectly well-adjusted bear if there ever was one.

The Hulk opens tomorrow!! I think I might not see it until Saturday, but that's ok. I love the Hulk. Green is my favorite color, you know. I just watched the DVD of the old school TV show they had back when I was a kid. I have a few fuzzy memories of that show- I loved it, but watching them now I'm surprised kids enjoyed it so much- it's quite slow moving, even adultish- the Hulk only comes out every 15 or 20 minutes or so- an eternity when you're a kid. I heard the Hulk doesn't make an appearance in the new movie until an hour in, but now that I'm all grown up I don't mind. I trust Ang Lee, it'll be a great movie.
Oh yeah and the comics are tha poo too. I should check out some of the new ones and see what's up with the Hulk these days. Which reminds me of a little encounter I had the other day . . .

Homie and the Hulk
" Homie is a friendly bear who likes to play 'er cool
Fishing in the creek or else swimming in the pool
But as you know he is quite strong and also very tough
If a bad guy comes along and tries some bad guy stuff
One day Homie was having a snooze, resting by a spruce
When a man came and said hello and said his name was Bruce
"Bruce my friend, good to see you, come over to my den!
"We'll eat some fish and berries and then have a debate on zen."
Bruce was tired and hungry, and had just become a Taoist
(Finding much more inner peace then when he was a Maoist)
So he agreed to come along and went where Homie lead
But because the cave door was low, oops! he bumped his head
Homie saw and laughed and said, "Sorry I'm being mean!
"I'm not making fun, it was just so . . . hey you're turning green!"
It was true- Bruce was turning green, and putting on some bulk
Right there in the cave Bruce became the Incredible Hulk!
Homie's guest became a monster as Homie watched in shock
Then he had to duck when the Hulk turned and threw a rock
"Hulk!" said Homie, "Calm down, I do not want to fight you!
"But if you keep attacking me then I will have to bite you."
The Hulk just growled and snarled and with a mighty crash
He punched the walls and stomped the ground and yelled out "HULK SMASH!"
So Homie sighed and rolled his eyes and waited out the tantrum
Wondering how many places the Hulk must have been banned from
Finally the Hulk calmed down and turned back into Banner
Bruce looked around and apologized for his impolite manner
"I'm sorry for what I did but you were very brave!"
And Homie said, "No worries, I always wanted a bigger cave!"

And on a totally unrelated note, looks like Ninjai is finally back online, at least the first two chapters, with the rest to follow and then FINALLY (it's been what, 8 months?) chapters 11-14.

Wow it's hot out there. 30 degrees, which by Edmonton standards is about as hot as it gets. I wonder if poolar bears can go into hibernation if it gets too hot? Yeah, I know poolar bears don't hibernate at all, but I wouldn't mind hibernating when it's this hot out. Oh well- there's supposed to be a huge thunderstorm tonight and then it will cool down for the next few days.
Anyways, I've been thinking about something lately- since poolar bears and grizzly bears are of the same genus (Ursis), they should technically be able to interbreed right? That would be interesting to see the offspring of a poolar bear and a grizzly. Or a black bear- then maybe it would be striped like a zebra. A zebra bear would be cool. We could call it a Zebrear.
Not that I am actually advocating this. Just a little thought experiment.

Oh yeah I know what I wanted to mention in connection with that New York poost yesterday. My friend Jonny Smelter who I visited was supposed to come home this past week to be his brother's best man, but because of troubles with his visa he ws unable to make it. Doesn't that suck? So his brother got married and Jonny missed it, and I don't get to see him either. Grrr. That sucks.
Well, there is one solution that I can see- I will have to go to New York again. That would be nice. Can't do it just now, though.

A few years back I got to go to the KoRn concert here in Edmonton for free. I won tickets from the Edmonton Sun. They were running a KoRny jokes contest, so I sent in a few of my Dad's jokes, and knew I would win. What's brown and sticky? A stick. Good one, eh? You probably thought I was going to say poo. What was cool was much later on, Steve Tilley in his humour column was talking about the World's Best Joke that had been decided that week, and he said it was dumb. Then he said that a much better joke was "What's brown and sticky?" Cool, eh?
Anyway, I won two tickets, and since my girlfriend at the time was somewhat NOT into that kind of music, I went by myself. I tried calling friends of mine but no one was available. And then I called the Youth Emergency Shelter and offered the extra ticket to them, and made arrangements to meet a guy at the LRT station, but he never showed up (and I missed Papa Roach because of it, but that was ok- Powerman 5000 was the other opener, and they were good. They're fronted by Rob Zombie's little brother, Spider)) so I just went alone. It was great. Singing and growling and jumping up and down. I hope they come again soon. I think they're working on a new album right now. Maybe they'll call me up to do some backup vocals. Yeah! That would be great. I would totally do it, too. Like how on Follow the Leader they had Ice Cube, Fred Durst and Tre Hardson, on the new one they can say "Special Guest Homie Bear!"
I suppose since it was my Dad's joke that won me the contest, I should have taken him. But if I recall, he was away. Otherwise, yeah, he would have liked it.

One year ago right now I was in New York City, and it was great. Unfortunately I wasn't yet a blogger so the only record that exists of this journey is locked up in my mind's eye. Oh yeah and my old-fashioned pen and paper journal. Let me go look what it says. Here's a good entry:

June 10
Was this the greatest day ever? Well, not quite, but close. It started off kind of blah. Mondays most museums are closed. So I decided to go to the China Institute in Upper Manhattan, but apparently there;s not one thing to see there, so the lady directed me to a Japanese gallery up the road a ways, which had mostly Chinese stuff anyways. Then I saw a place called Eat Here Now. So I did. After that I went to Central Park for a while to read the paper. I happened to notice that Randy Johnson was pitching for Arizona in the first meeting between the Diamondbacks and the Yankees since the World Series, and a plan began to shape in my brain. It involved a lot of train, which could've been a pain, but I did it all real sane. I went to Yankee Stadium to see the game. It was cool. But I had to leave a little early to make it in time for KoRn! I had a ticket to the theater (Unfortunately not the live performance) broadcast of the concert/ album (Untouchables) premier. It was great. They actually didn't play too much new stuff. Lotsa classics, though. Shoots and Ladders with full on bagpipes. Yeah. So it was right next to the Virgin Megastore, so right after I lined up to buy Untouchables at midnight, and got a free T-shirt and posters for my troubles. Took the train home, walking the streets of the Bronx,Manhattan and Brooklyn by myself at night. I was thinking it was a pretty quiet neighbourhood, but immediately after I noticed that every single car had a club. Anyways, like I said, not quite the best day ever, but pretty darn close. KoRn!

A year ago I certainly didn't know I would be poosting that for the world to see, which accounts for the rhymes and stuff. And for some reason, I don't even talk about poo once! Weird.

The Gathering's fifth anniversary was a good time. The annual video was classic, as always. Good food, great music, happy friends. Oh yeah and I held a little baby for a while- that was stressful, but I didn't break her so it was all good. She needed to be burped and everyone was telling me to pat her back, which I did, but they said it wasn't hard enough. But I just couldn't bring myself to hit something so little any harder than I was. I know we're not talking the beats here, but still. So she didn't burp, but since she also didn't poo, I would say the whole experience was a success! Yay I win!
Aterwards Metal Mike (that's not really his nickname but I have to distinguish him from all the other Mikes) and Kevin and I went to Keegan's for some food, so it was a fine evening all in all.

Anyways, what I really wanted to say was Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there reading this. That means Shok, brand-new-Dad Cory, and I think that might be it. But if you are a Dad and I missed you, by all means have a great day! My own Dad is out in Hinton mining some coal right about now, otherwise I would be hanging out with him today.
Also, tonight at the G we are celebrating the fifth anniversary of our little community. It will be a great party! You should come out. Here's to five more, even better than the first five! Wow. Five years already. Well, maybe not quite that long for me since I didn't come along until . . . a few months in, so I guess it is five years almost for me too. How time flies.

Once I was hitch-hiking in Ontario, just past Kenora, headed around Lake Superior and down towards Toronto. A Newfoundlander picked me up who had been driving straight from Lloydminster, and was planning on going straight through to Newfoundland. (The guy who picked me up today has done this as well.) So he asked me if I had a licence, and when I said I did, he pulled over, let me drive and slept for several hours. When he woke up we talked a bit, but his voice was so deep, his accent so thick, and his habit of trailing off after two or three words so entrenched, that it was pretty much impossible to understand a word he said. Today's guy was sort of similar, but if I concentrated hard I found I could mostly understand what he said. The accent isn't that hard to understand, but combined with the deep voice, it can be challenging. Sagacious nods and a hearty laugh helped cover up for the parts I couldn't understand.

Just got back from Lloydminster, the border town between Alberta and Saskatchewan. In truth, I spent not quite five minutes there, so I can't really tell you what's shaking in Lloyd these days. You'll be pleased to know that the giant pysanka (Ukrainian Easter Egg) is still standing tall in Vegreville, though. What happened was, I decided it was time for an adventure (isn't it always?), so I accompanied the Goddess, who is going on vacation far, far away, as far as Lloydminster, and then I jumped out (not literally) and hitch-hiked home. We left around 10 and I was back here before 4, so not too bad. It's been two years since I've hitch-hiked anywhere, so I just felt like it. My first ride came within minutes- it was almost disappointing, it was so fast. He was a Newfoundlander, ex-con, Harley Davidson guy, so we got along just fine. He was a little hard to understand, but that's alright. He was only going as far as Sherwood kraP though, so I had a bit of a wait just outside Edmonton, but a guy picked me up and brought me within three blocks of here, so that was good. Kind of a strange guy, but he was listening to Taj Mahal, and they are amazing- I will have to get their disc at some point. And he picked me up literally seconds before the big downpour started, so that was good.
Last night, in fact, I had a somewhat unusual hitch-hiking type experience as well. Or maybe taxi experience. We ordered pizza, and the Deliverator's credit/debit machine wouldn't work, so for a while there it looked like the pizza was going to be on the house. But then Panagopoolis called us and said the Deliverator would come and drive us to a bank machine, so I got to go for a ride in a pizza delivery car. I'm not sure if this is how Uncle Enzo would do business, but whatever. It was fun. I thought I had it bad with my speeding ticket . . . this guy had 4 in his glove compartment, and another two that the last cop forgot to give back to him . . .

Here is an interesting fact- Pooing in the Woods has been around for exactly the amount of time it takes to carry a baby to term. Know how I know this? If you go all the way back to the very second day of this blog, you will see me congratulate Cory and Lauren, who had just discovered that they were expecting. And today Cory called me to inform me that they had a little baby daughter! Yay! McKenna Claire was born yesterday, and is just wee, as Shannie said. In fact, she was a little bit early. I will have to go down to Medicine Hat soon to see this little baby for myself. Anyways, congratulations to Cory and Lauren, brand new Papa and Mama Bears!

Oh yeah and another thing- I am now a regular columnist for iamnext.com. Press the link, and underneath the email login, where there is a weird picture of some guy who I promise is not me, is my new column, with two installments up so far. The only thing is, both my editor and I think the title kinda lacks the right tone. Originally I suggested Next Exit, but that has a kind of "seeya later" finality tone to it. So she just inserted the current title, but is willing to change it. Next-to-last, next Big Thing, What's Next? etc. All these are ideas that aren't exactly there yet. Any of you have any suggestions? Doesn't have to have "next" in it, either.

Little Green Jellybean has new brakes! No more do I have to worry that the next stop sign will be my last! No more do I have to hear that squeaking noise when I back up! No more do I have to pay my speeding ticket! Oh- I guess I still have to pay that. Darn. But yeah, today my Dad and I installed new brakes front and rear. The rear ones were not bad at all- didn't really even have to replace them, but we did. The front ones . . . not so good. Very pooey in fact. If a rock truck at the mine had brakes that bad it would have been unsafe to drive it, and I would have refused to do so, as was my legal right. So it's just as well we took care of them today. But considering they went for 238,000 kms, I really can't complain.

Thanks to Tammy for pointing this one out:


You are The Twins, from "The Matrix."
Bad, but with a sexy streak- surprisingly
refreshing. You know what you want, when you
want it.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
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I like the thought of being twins. Both twins at once. Cool. And I like the bit about being classy- Homie Bear takes a certain amount of pride in being a classy guy. Who talks about poo all the time. But still classy!

Remember my sermon from a while back when I adapted the legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Man? I had only read an excellent summary of the story by Nan Runde in Parabola magazine. I looked up the original in my research but it was written in old English, and hence unreadable. But tonight the Goddess and I were in Wee Book Inn trying to track down Marilyn Manson's autobiography Long Hard Road out of Hell (they didn't have it so we borrowed it from Travis), when she found me a copy of Sir Gawain and the Green Man translated into New English! Very cool. I hope whoever buys it appreciates it as much as I would have, if I had bought it. Hee hee I love messing with you guys- of course I bought it. I am such a poohead sometimes.

Remember how much Matrix Reloaded kicks ass? Tonight I went and saw it again, only this time it was on IMAX so it was kickasser. They didn't just project the regular 35mm film onto an IMAX screen, they actually remastered the original film, so it was crystal clear, and super big. I love that movie. And it was good to see it again to confirm the theories that we (well, mostly the Goddess, actually) came up with concerning Revolutions and all that. Although there is a lot of stuff out there, I think we (okay, she) has hit on something no one else has, yet.
Oh yeah, and I wanted to mention one other thing, and there is a sort of segue to this, because the Matrix obviously has a lot of influences, among them anime, mythology and sci-fi. One book series I really liked a lot was Dan Simmons' Hyperion Canticles
.Or Chronicles. Cantos? I don't remember. Anyways, Hyperion, The Fall of Hyperion, Endymion and the Rise of Endymion were the four books, though the first two can certainly stand on their own. Do you recognize the titles? Hyperion Fall of Hyperion and Endymion are all poems by John Keats. These books are about, in the very simplest sense, evil machines who want to enslave humanity (hence the Matrix tie-in), but there is much more to them than that. They feature the theology of Teilhard de Chardin and the poetry of John Keats as kind of the glue, and have lots of Catholic and Buddhist stuff going on too. I should reread them, actually, because they are getting kind of fuzzy. I wrote a paper on them in University (English 481 or something- Postmodernism and Science Fiction) examining what the hell a romantic poet was doing in a book set 800 years in the future, and I wrote it as if I was a private eye (like Brawne Lamia in the books) and I got the highest mark possible for it- the professor thanked me for writing it because it made his day, and so he gave me a 9, which at the good ole U of A is the best you can get, for some reason.
Jackie, I tried looking up some info for those other anthologies, but there are just too many called "World's best Sci-fi" or whatever, so my advice would be to go to your local boek winkel and see what they have- generally these anthologies have some gems in them, even if lots of it is poo. But definitely get the Hyperion books if you can find them. Hey look- I found one anyway!

Shoot Me Again seems to be directed at Jason Newsted, who left Metallica a while back, and then started taking some potshots at the other guys. Newsted was recently in Edmonton with Ozzy and Voivod, and granted the talented Fish Griwkowsky an interview. I really like Fish as a writer, he is my favorite local writer, and I have corresponded with him from time to time via email. He has a somewhat lower opinion of Metallica than I do, which is certainly fine, especially since it comes from a feeling of betrayal. Anyways, here is his interview with Jason Newsted.
And here are a few lyrics from Shoot Me Again:

I bite my tongue
Trying not to shoot back
No compromise
My heart won't pump the other way

(Lyrics copyright 2003 Creeping Death music, and all that)

So Poo Jersey won the Cup. I only watched the first period, then I went out for the evening, so I asked Mike who won when I got home. He lied to me and said Anaheim so I let out a Mighty Cheer, and then he said he lied so I threw my calculator at him. I don't usually carry my calculator around with me but I needed it to do some . . . calculating. Anyways, I was right about who would win the Conn Smythe (unless Mike lied about that too, but I doubt it since we were arguing about it beforehand and I was right- he wouldn't pass up a chance to prove me wrong): JS Giguere. I told Mike he would win even if Ducks lost, and he didn't believe me, but he was plainly the most valuable player for both teams. On rare occasions the Conn Smythe is given to a player from the losing team.
Have I mentioned yet how much I love St. Anger? Every time I listen to it it just gets better. I seriously feel like a kid again. I gotta revert to Some Kind of Monster as my favorite track. But I love all of it. Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tock. Medallion noose. It comes alive and I die a little more. Shoot me again I ain't dead yet. These are good days for the Homie Bear, that's all I have to say.

Oh yeah so Game 7 of the Stanley Cup final is today- no matter what someone will win the Cup tonight. I know I said earlier that the Mighty Ducks hoisting the Cup would be a travesty, but I have come around- I hate New Jersey, and I would really like to see Adam Oates win a cup- surely a deserving old veteran if there ever was one. So good luck Ducks, bad luck Poo Jersey. But I would still prefer it if the Oilers made an unexpected comeback and won the Cup- a totally unprecedented event in the annals of Stanley Cup history.

I just got back from an appointment with an anger management consultant. I think I can finally get a grip on this overpowering rage I feel all the time, like a big green monster inside of me. Just kidding about the rage part, but I really did meet with an anger management therapist this morning. I think I might refer some of you to her- some of you could certainly use it. Kidding, again. But seriously, all of us could benefit from learning about anger, and gaining some communication skills.
In other news, the only band capable of tearing me away from St. Anger (and let me say my new favorite track is Shoot Me Again- shoot me again I ain't dead yet. And did I mention yet how kickass The Unnamed Feeling is?) is Seven Devil Fix, who played a Critical Mass last night at the G. It was poofine, let me tell ya. Only about a month or so before their studio CD Lotus is ready. Can't wait. To tide yourself over until that momentous day, go to their site and download some live tracks. Speaking of live, I think I will go and watch the Metallica DVD that came with St. Anger- it is a live rehearsal of all 11 tracks on the disc. The intro shows Jaymz spraypainting a St. Anger tag on a wall, and two of his kids are there, and he's jumping up and down and having a great time and generally being very non-angry. See? It's all about managing your anger.

The cool thing about being a truck driver in a coal mine (back when I was one) is that a considerable portion of your workday is spent under the shovel while you are getting your next load. So for a minute or two you have to just sit there. This doesn't sound like very long, but multiply that by 60 or 80 loads per shift, as well as waiting time in line for the other trucks to get loaded, and all of a sudden you have a couple of hours of forced sitting time. So what better to do than read? You get surprisingly good at reading a book in chunks of a minute or two at a time. In fact, the hard part was always keeping stocked up in reading material. Aside from books, a newspaper and a magazine helped pass the time. But there was nothing worse than bringing a book to work only to discover that it was a piece of poo. Then your 12 hour shift suddenly becomes much longer. I remember back in that first summer, again on nightshift, I borrowed a hard SciFi novel from my Dad- hard meaning it was all about hard science- astrophysics and the like. So there I was, tired at 3 in the morning, trying to figure out what the hell the guy was talking about, and I decided that I would rather just stare out the window at the stars all night.

The other day I mentioned a short story I read in my childhood, Born of Man and Woman. This story was from an anthology I got for Christmas way back when I was 13, The Best Fantasy Stories From The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. Some of the stories were amazing, and I reread them regularly. Others were probably equally as good, if not better, but were too deep for my 13 year old brain, and maybe I should give them another shot. But the highlights were Jeffty is Five, by Harlan Ellison, about a boy who never grows older than 5; Narrow Valley, by R.A. Lafferty, a hilarious story about a valley that is much bigger than it should be, and the Native man who owns it; Mythago Wood by Robert Holdstock, about a forest that has some very odd denizens; and my very favorite, Sooner or Later or Never Never, by Gary Jennings. It's one of the funnniest stories I've ever read- about a naive-but-earnest missionary who goes to the Australian outback to minister to the Aboriginals. Hilarious. He learns the wrong language, gets circumcised unnecessarily, and there is even a scene involving ex-lax, a very large snake, and a little poo.
My Dad also had another anthology, I forget the title but it was the best Science Fiction stories ever, up to about 1974, which is when the book was published. I read it on nightshift in my first summer (1993) as a coal miner, which is the perfect backdrop for sci-fi, since an open pit coal mine is pretty much an alien landscape in itself. I remember one story from 1933 or so, about a trip to Mars. I think it was called A Martian Odyssey, and it has such funny and inventive creatures in it, as well as a certain naivety that has long since disappeared from our culture. Kind of makes you wish for simpler times.

Well, I don't know who won the football game. Probably the Esks. The reason I am unaware of the score is because the guy with the tickets forgot to show up. Trevor and I waited for almost an hour at the designated place, and then we decided to go watch the hockey game at a pub somewhere (Cliff Clayvin's, kind of a dive, poor service). Oh well, it happens. He called later and was very contrite. No worries. Just a preseason game anyways. I will predict that the score was a million to poo for Edmonton. Now a quick check to a sports site, and I see that I was indeed very close- 17-10 Eskimos. My biggest regret is not singing the Fight Song.

I am astonished to learn that some of you are not Metallica fans! If you don't like Metallica, what do you like? Poo? Crazy. Heh, last night I was talking to a friend of mine and excitedly told her St. Anger was coming out tomorrow. The line went dead- I thought I had caused her to collapse from excitement, but luckily it was just the batteries on her phone. Anyways, don't worry, they only come out with a new album about once every five or six years, so you won't have to put up with this again for a while. But maybe later tonight I will blog about non-Metallica stuff- I am going to the football game now, which is always fun. Remember last time I went and got on the Jumbotron? That was waaaaay back in this blog's very earliest days. I am going with Trevor and Chris, two guys from Saskatchewan, so they will be cheering for the Riders. I of course will be cheering for the winning team, the Eskimos. And of course I will sing the Eskimos Fight Song nice and loud- it goes like this: "We're going to fight fight fight fight Eskimos, we're going to march right down to Mexico! We're going to win some victory! For all to see!" Or something like that. The words aren't as impoortant as how loud and badly you sing it.

Today is the Feast Day for the Patron Saint of Anger. Yum yum, new Metallica music. I just listened to it for the first time- it's excellent. Very heavy. Lots of allusions to James' recent stint in rehab- "If I had my wasted days back would I use them to get back on track?" No hurdy gurdys or B-benders, or even a slower song a la Unforgiven. But what it lacks in experimentation it makes up for in aggression. And, again, they squeeze every last bit of space on the disc- it's a full 75 minutes, like Load and Reload. So far the tracks that stand out are Some Kind of Monster and The Unnamed Feeling, though I am sure others will make themselves known as I listen to it more. Oh yeah, it came with a free DVD featuring the rehearsals for all 11 tracks, which I haven't watched yet. Last night I tried watching the DVD that came with the Marilyn Manson CD, but I turned it off after a while to take Mike's money in pooker. Packaging a free DVD is a cool way to combat piracy, even if the content isn't all that interesting.
So anyways, after listening to St. Anger one time, I give it a 0 Poo rating.

What deserves 5 Poos is the speeding ticket I got while driving home from the CD store. Grrr!!! I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in years- because I am a Wily Bear who knows the ways and methods of avoiding radar traps. But I was a little complacent, being but two blocks from my house, so I was caught doing 72 in a 50 zone (note to my American friends- this is km/h, which is roughly like doing 45 in a 30 zone), on 109th street which is a major thoroughfare here in Edmonton. I didn't argue or even say anything, really, as I learned the hard way that it is much, much better to shutthafukup when talking to cops. Grrr again. It is a $136 ticket, which seems kind of steep to me. But on the plus side the cop didn't also give me a ticket for not having the correct address on my licence- I think he saw how unorganized I am when it took me five minutes to dig my registration out of my glove compartment, after pulling out old cards from 2000 and 2002 first, and decided to let it go. Grrrr!!!!!!

I couldn't fit Dyer's Eve into the questionnaire below, so here is a poost dedicated to this fine Musical Piece of Aggression. Many, many years ago, like 14, when I first got my hands on . . . And Justice For All, I didn't really get into the last track, Dyer's Eve. I didn't dislike it, but it didn't stand out. It was just speed with no tunefullness, or at least so I thought. But it became one of my favorite songs on the album later on. I'm not really sure what clicked, but something did. Here are the lyrics:

Dear Mother
Dear Father
What is this hell you have put me through?
Believer
Deceiver
Day in, day out, live my life through you
Pushed onto me what's wrong or right
Hidden from this thing that they call “life”

Dear Mother
Dear Father
Every thought I'd think you'd disapprove
Curator
Dictator
Always censoring my every move
Children are seen but are not heard
Tear out everything inspired

Innocence
Torn from me without your shelter
Barred reality
I'm living blindly

Dear Mother
Dear Father
Time has frozen still what's left to be
Hear nothing
Say nothing
Cannot face the fact I think for me
No guarantee, it's life as-is
But damn you for not giving me my chance

Dear Mother
Dear Father
You've clipped my wings before I learned to fly
Unspoiled
Unspoken
I've outgrown that fucking lullaby
Same thing I've always heard from you,
“Do as I say, not as I do”

Innocence
Torn from me without your shelter
Barred reality
I'm living blindly

I'm in hell without you
Cannot cope without you two
Shocked at the world that I see
Innocent victim, please rescue me

Dear Mother
Dear Father
Hidden in your world you've made for me
I'm seething
I'm bleeding
Ripping wounds in me that never heal
Undying spite I feel for you
Living out this hell you always knew

Words and Music by James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Kirk Hammett. Copyright © 1988 Creeping Death Music All Rights Reserved

Anyways, though I'm sure many millions of teenagers could relate to this song, I didn't personally see a correlation to my life, since my folks and I have always got along. Instead, I always think of a great short story I read when I was young called Born of Man and Woman, by Richard Matheson. This is the opening paragraph:

X- This day when it had light my mother called me a retch. You retch she said. I saw in her eyes the anger. I wonder what it is a retch.

Ever read it? It's about a child who was born deformed and spent his life chained in his parents' basement. It's quite macabre.

I found this on some other blog, and since St. Anger is but twelve hours away or so, I thought now would be a good time to do it:

Identify yourself using the songs of one artist/group : Metallica
1. Are you male or female? Low Man's Lyric

2. Describe yourself: One

3. How do some people feel about you? Prince Charming. Or else King Nothing. Either way- royalty.

4. How do you feel about yourself? Hero of the Day

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Ain't My Bitch :O When I have a girlfriend my answer is certainly not that!!!!! The Thing That Should Not Be! (Not that either, heehee)

6. Where would you rather be? Wherever I May Roam, OR, Where the Wild Things Are

7. Describe what you want to be:Of Wolf and Man, if we pretend it is really called Of Bear and Man. Or how about The Outlaw Torn? or Better Than You? Just kidding.

8. Describe how you live: Carpe Diem Baby

9. Describe how you love: Nothing Else Matters

10. Share a few words of wisdom:To Live is to Die.

Just twelve more hours . . .

Yesterday in the Droppings (where you can add your feedback) people were talking about kids books, sort of. Actually, just Everyone Poops, which I am ashamed to say I have never read- what's wrong with me? Reading it should be in the Homie Bear job requirement, eh? Anyways, what's your favorite kid's book? I am partial to Dr. Seuss, of course, as I'm sure you all are. O The Places You'll Go is so good (hey Diney whatever happened to your copy?), Yertle the Turtle, Horton, the Grinch, you name it, Seuss is the best. But what else is out there? Anyone know of any newer stuff that I wouldn't really be exposed to, being childless and all? I have quite a few children's books in my library- I love the artwork, and often the rhymes are pretty great too, or else just the simplicity of the story. And the humour. Heck, it's all good.
Neil Gaiman recently put out a children's book called Coraline, which I would be interested in reading- I think it is quite dark from what I've heard, like much of children's literature throughout history. Think Brothers Grimm and wolves and witches.
Oh yeah, and someone wrote a pretty funny Matrix poem, Seussian style, over at Matrix Essays.

Five years ago I graduated from the University of Alberta with a BSc in geology and English (Quite possibly the only such degree in the world). It took me six years, the sixth year being just one class in the second semester, necessitated by my inability to correctly read my university calendar for degree requirements. It turned out alright though- I took the first semester of that year to hitch-hike across Canada just for the helluvit. Anyways, by the time I finally got around to graduating it just wasn't really that big of a deal and so I never went to my Convocation. Sitting through the reading of hundreds of strangers' names just didn't appeal to me. But today I went to my room mate's Convocation, at his request. It was something of an ordeal, as 670 people were present to receive their degrees, of which I knew maybe three of them, but as a reward his parents took us out for a super nice supper downtown at Joey Tomato's. But since that took up the entire afternoon and most of the evening, that is all I have to say about today. Oh yeah, and it rained all day today which actually I kind of like. Some call it pooey weather, but I like it. Since I have been sitting down most of the day I think I will go outside for a little walk now. Seeya!

I finished reading CS Lewis' The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I really liked it, especially how Lewis handled the allegory for Golgotha. Myth and allegory really appeal to me, especially lately. There are many ways to tell a story, even a True one.
Now I am reading another Bill Bryson book, this one about Europe- Neither Here Nor There. I got all Europed out a few years ago, preferring more exotic locales like Asia or else more natural destinations like the Yukon, but maybe this book will rekindle an interest in Europe for me. But even if not, I enjoy Bryson's writing, he is always funny and informative. You might remember that my friend Erica (O Erica Where Art Thou?) got me a copy of A Walk in The Woods a while back, which is (in my opinion) his best book. Any book about the woods is obviously a great book- it probably even talks about pooing there, in the woods.

Good news for all you Metallicats- the release date for St. Anger has been moved up 5 days from June 10th to Thursday! Only three more days! Even that is too long to wait. They are doing this to combat leaks and piracy (the same thing happened with Eminem and 50 Cent). Sounds like a sailing ship- gotta watch out for leaks and pirates. And sharks.

After the Gathering tonight (which was really great) I came home and Mike says that some guy called and invited him to play pooker, so I decided to come along too in true Rounders style. I doubled my money. Mike lost his. The guy was a friend of a friend, and had actually played at our table once many months ago, and they were having a hard time getting a full table, so they decided to try us. Worked out pretty good for me! I've only played Pooker at a foreign table (not my own) twice, but won both times. Not because I'm really that good, but more because most people are just really not very good players at all. And it's not that hard.

I have returned from my quest to deliver a message to the Mennonite Church. Few heroes have had an easier time completing their quest than I. I'm almost sad there were no dragons to slay. I gave my sermon, on Proverbs 4:23 and 3:3, and it went over well, I would say.Then the pastor invited me over to his house for lunch, and we were joined by fellow Gatherers Craig and Deb, and it was a very fine meal.
One thing that struck me about being in more of a traditional church than I'm used to- it was nice to see so many older people out. We don''t have any seniors at the Gathering- it was good to see that the people who have kept the faith the longest are still at it.

Update: Alright, it's time to let you all in on a little secret- I have a second blog! And it's not a pooblog!! One or two of you have found it (I have a link to it on this page, hidden in plain sight) though you didn't say anything to me so you don't get the secret prize I had waiting for the first person to discover it. I started the blog as a place to poost non-poo stuff, more serious I guess, but the truth is I don't really use it that much. The reason I tell you now is because I poosted the Bear story I wrote for my sermon- it is too long for here. So if you want, go read the story. You can try to find the hidden link, or you can just press this.