Everywhere he looked it was chaos. Giant walking machines were shooting down little flying speeders, who were in turn doing their best to try and trip up the walkers. Ground troops were being shot and smushed, their laser artillery ineffective against the onslaught. A smaller, two-legged walker came into view. Homie Bear seized his chance, grabbed a conveniently passing snowspeeder's dangling tow-cable and swung onto the funny looking walker. He couldn't resist doing a Tarzan yell, thinking how clever he was and that he doubted anyone would ever do that again.
In less than a parsec he had burst through into the cockpit and disabled the crew. Then he walked it over to the now-overrun rebel base. "Hmm," he thought. "Now what?" He shook the walker pilot awake. "Hey! Wake up! Tell me where the Alderaanian princess is."
The crewman answered with a distinctly kiwi accent, "Nah. Lord Polar'd have a stink."
"Lord Polar can eat my poo. Where is the Princess?" Homie bared his fangs for extra emphasis.
"Right, then. Sweet as. She's in the Wop Wops, eh? Right over there in that cell."
"Thank you. One more thing- I'll need your uniform."
"Meh. I shoulda stayed home and had some fush and chups." But the trooper handed over his armour. It didn't fit Homie that well but at least the cloth face his his muzzle a bit. Homie was mighty pleased with himself. He headed over to the cell, glad that this little misadventure was finally coming to an end.
"Dum dum de dum, dum de dum, dum de dum," he hummed to himself. The cell was unguarded amidst all the confusion of the battle. So he walked right in, without even needing to cause a diversion, which was lucky, since diversions nearly always escalated into big trouble. Huddled on the icy floor was a beautiful princess, wearing a parka. She looked at Homie and said, "Aren't you a little hairy for a snowtrooper?"
"What . . ? Oh, the uniform. I'm Homie Bear, I'm here to rescue you."
"Who?"
"Homie Bear! You know, from Pooing in the Woods? Anyways, let's get you out of here. Are you all right? Did they mistreat you?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. They even gave me this parka, rather than making me wear some bikini or something, so that was nice of them."
"That reminds me, I brought you my old crash helmet for a disguise so we can sneak out of here. It's designed for a bear, but that's okay. I don't need it anymore, so you can keep it. Maybe it'll come in handy someday." The Princess took the brown two-toned helmet and they skedaddled.
Waiting for them outside in the Hothian twilight was a monstrous cyborg polar bear holding a red laser sword of some sort.
"Cool!" said Homie. He wished he had a red laser sword like that.
"Darth Polar. Only you could be so cold. I don't know how you can stand this weather." The Princess said in an accusing tone of voice.
"Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You know polar bears are ideally adapted for extreme cold. We have very thick fur and insulating layers of fat. But I'm glad we ran into you- it seems there's been a mistake. We were looking for someone who has the same DNA as you. You don't have any siblings, do you?"
"Not that I know of."
"Ah well. You may go. But I would have a word with your Ursine companion."
The Princess waved good-bye and ran to catch up with a Corellian freighter that was just then escaping the Imperials. Homie stayed behind, bewildered and a little irked that this had all been a wild gundark chase.
"Do you know what this is, Homie Bear?" asked Darth Polar, gesturing at his weapon. "It is a lightsaber, the weapon of a Sith Lord. If you sign up with the Sith today, one of these can be yours as a free gift."
"Yeah?" Homie was tempted- the lightsaber was awfully cool. "What do I have to do?"
"Not much really, just learn the ways of the Dark Side of the Force, and join me in ruling the galaxy. But you have to be evil, that's the only catch."
"Oh. No thanks. I'm not much for evil."
"What if I told you I was your father?"
"No, that's impossible! My pa lives in Edmonton. I just saw him the other day."
"Darn, that usually works. Fine then, you must die." And the Dark Lord of the Sith raised his glowing sabre to strike Homie down.
But Homie ducked and rolled, and prepared a secret weapon of his own while Polar advanced menacingly. "It is useless to resist," Polar said. Homie ignored him. Just as Darth Polar hoisted his weapon to cut Homie in two, Homie went on the offensive, launching a flurry of tightly packed snowballs. Darth Polar had never faced such a furious wallop. Stunned, he dropped his saber. Homie was on him in an instant. The magnificent bears were at each others' throats, but Polar's cybernetic parts had the advantage of never tiring out.
Homie was close to succumbing. Desperate, he reached for the lightsaber, forgotten in the melee. It was too far. He couldn't reach. "Homie! Use the Force!" a disembodied voice said. Good idea! The lightsaber flew into his hands just as he squirmed free of Darth Polar's killing bite. With the red beam at the Sith's throat, Homie said, "Now I have a deal for you, Darth. Come back with me to the Woods, and you can fish and hunt and eat as many berries as you can stand. You can hibernate all winter, or all summer if you prefer, and poo anywhere you want! It's a perfect life for a bear. No more evil! What do bears know about ruling galaxies, anyways?"
"Hmmm. A tempting offer. There aren't any gungans in these Woods, are there?"
"Gungans? What are those?"
"Deal!"
The bears shook a paw and then Darth Polar took Homie to his spaceship, the Ursith.
"Nice ship!" said Homie. "Mine was made out of wood. But it crashed."
"Thanks! It belonged to some other guy who was cut in half, so the Emperor let me have it." They climbed aboard and blasted off for the Woods, where they pooed in the woods, brought balance to the Force, and had lots and lots of fush and chups.
The End! Yay!
Written by Homie Bear
Directed by Homie Bear
Starring Homie Bear
Visual Sith Effects by Emily Weber
Please don't show George Lucas, he will just want to do yet another Special Edition to incorporate these startling revelations.
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