Happy New Year from Homie Bear! I hope 2004 is a good one for you. I'm looking forward to it, even though it means I will turn 30. Ugh. BUt that's only 15 in bear years (I figure since they hibernate you can cut each year in half for bears).

Homie Bear's Top Ten Movies of 2003

1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (duh)
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
3. Kill Bill, Volume I
4. X2: X-Men United
5. Matrix Reloaded
6. Once Upon a Time in Mexico
7. Finding Nemo
8. The Last Samurai
9. Matrix Revolutions
10. Bruce Almighty

And here are the worst movies of 2003:

1. Haunted Mansion (duh)
2. The Cat in the Hat (which I never saw, but since I finally saw The Grinch, I can safely assume this should be here)
3. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (could have been sooo much better)
4. Hulk (the parts featuring the Hulk were great, but the parts featuring Bruce Banner (or whatever they renamed him) were just painful)
5. Hmm, I am not sure if I saw any other really bad movies this year. Anger Management is on the line- it had some good moments, so it doesn't quite make the worst, but almost.

Last night was ROTK viewing number three, and it was just as good, if not better, this time around. Gabrielle and I prefaced this one by watching a few select scenes from FOTR and Two Towers (by some strange coincidence, they all seemed to feature Haldir the Elf), and I also listened to some Peter Jackson commentary, which is quite funny. You really hear his respect (as well as Fran Walsh' and Phillippa Boyen's) for the source material come through, and you see that the changes they made were done thoughtfully and not all haphazard. So I don't understand why some people are mad that Saruman was cut from ROTK. His story arc was done. Silly hobbitses.

Homie Bear's Top Ten CD's of 2003

1. Marilyn Manson, The Golden Age of Grotesque
2. Metallica, St. Anger
3. Seven Devil Fix, Lotus
4. KoЯn, Take a Look in the Mirror
5. Return of the King Soundtrack
6. Emmylou Harris, Stumble into Grace
7. Prey for Rock & Roll
8. Once Upon a Time in Mexico Soundtrack.
9. Pink, Try This
10. Sepultura, Roorback
11. The Poos, Volume II

The order is pretty interchangeable, except for Grotesque, since it was the soundtrack of 2003 for me. And I realize there are a lot of actual soundtracks on there, but I left out Kill Bill, Pirates and Underworld, all of which were excellent, so I exercised some restraint. Pink kind of surprised me, but towards the end I was running out of CD's. Sepultura just squeaked in, but hey, Linkin Park and Evanescence didn't even make the list.
And here is a Flash video that relates to one of last year's Top 5, a weird monkey thing set to Johnny Cash's Desperado.

Every now and then a rock star comes by and drops me an email complimenting me on my blog. Yesterday Justus from The Minimum Requirement emailed me. I think their name is pretty cool. They are from Ohio so maybe the Shoks will get a chance to see them play someday. And if they ever swing by the Woods here I will be sure to go to their show. So go check out their site, since they obviously have discerning taste in blogs and are therefore sure to be good musicians.
Speaking of shows and rock stars and the like, I am sad to say I discovered today that Metallica's upcoming show here is already sold out! Though I have seen them a few times before, I would dearly like to see them this time around. St. Anger will certainly be on my Top Ten Albums of 2003 list which I plan to make here before New Year's. Like I did last year. Can anyone guess what my number 1 will be?
Oh yeah, and Jonathan Davis, you don't need to be shy- I know you're lurking. You may email me a compliment if you like. I might even poost a link to your site.

Kids
The other day at work I noticed a young lad of about 10 moving across the floor in a very fluidic manner. He seemed to be floating across the carpet. Curious as to the cause of this phenomenon, I went over and asked to see his shoes. He showed them to me, and I saw that they were equipped with one roller each, so that he could walk or roll as desired. "Cool!" I said, "I wish I had shoes like those!"
Then today I was stocking shelves and some customers came in, and a younger guy, maybe 7 or 8 or so, makes a beeline straight for me and says, "Do you like my shoes?" and he showed me his own pair of roller shoes. "Yeah, those are cool," I said, and he told me that his cousin had a pair just like them. So I surmised that his cousin was the fellow I met the other day, and this little guy couldn't wait to show off his own pair. Kids are cool. Too bad they hate me (or at least, for the sake of poetic licence, I say they do).
Today gabrielle and I were dining in Boston, and playing with our new Frodo, Sam and Gollum action figures, and our waitress came over and started playing along- or at least, she totally wanted to but had to drop Frodo in a hurry when her manager appeared. Frodo comes with Sting-Lights-Up action, so he is doubly cool. Some other guy couldn't stay away either and everyone was playing and talking LOTR.
Kids.

Homie Bear was in a mall doing some Christmas shopping
Pretending not to notice how everyone's jaws were dropping
Whenever he left his lair people always stared
His very beariness tended to make them fairly scared
But when he saw Mr. Santa Claus he felt a little jealous
Of all the looks of love he got from the small gals and little fellas
Homie was so happy to see all the beaming smiles
That he started dancing right there in the aisles
But all the children screamed and then the children scattered
And Homie Bear went home alone feeling sad and shattered
So the next day he asked a Salvation Army Santa
Who said "I'd like to help but I'm actually from Atlanta
"I dress up every year to help a worthy cause
"But you'll have to go up North to find the real Claus"
So Homie Bear set off on a trip fraught with many perils
Luckily for him he was wearing his favorite Merrils
He finally arrived at the North Pole feeling kind of freezing
Shivering and snorting and coughing and wheezing
He told his troubles to Santa who offered a solution
To Homie's undesired emitting of scaring-kids pollution
"Ride with me as a reindeer pulling along my sleigh!"
So Homie hitched himself up and off they went away
But Homie felt a little airsick and thought that he would vomit
And he started feeling hungry so he sort of ate some Comet
So I guess dressing as a reindeer was a bit of a mistake
So Santa put him in his workshop and taught him how to make
Toys for all the girls and boys who were "Good" on Santa's list
But Homie felt a little bad for the ones that Santa missed
He made fireworks for the naughty kids who like to play with fire
This made Santa none too pleased and roused up all his ire
"Homie Bear you're a hopeless cause even for Santa Claus
"You make bad toys and then you put my reindeer in your jaws
"So you can go on back to your den and quit making this mess
"And furthermore I hope you have a very unmerry Christmas"
So Homie was sad again and trudged back to his lair
Wishing he was soft and cuddly and not a fearsome bear
But then he thought "I'm not a reindeer and I'm certainly not an elf
"I am a big bad burly bear and I'm proud to be myself!"

(this one goes out to Seraphim, who sent out bribe vibes for me to write this)

Merry Christmas, little orcs! It has been a very good Chirstmas so far and it's not even over. I got the coolest present ever from gabrielle, a Treebeard action figure complete with Hobbit-lifting action! I am just taking a few minutes to attempt to finish my Christmas Homie Bear poem I started the other day- I may not be able to finish but I will try, since today is pretty much the due date. Oh yeah and I should give some props to Gotthammer Mike for making that banner for me, which I stole without his knowledge and put up. A minor change to the template but I like it.

It must be snowing in Australia cause it sure ain't here. Although there is still some snow on the ground, the temperature has been unseasonably warm all week and we can hardly call this a white Christmas. More like a slippery, sludgey Christmas. Oh well. There will be plenty of whiteness and cold yet this winter so we are not complaining. Christmas is almost here and that's all that matters. So Merry Christmas to all you cubs and bears out there!

Last year for a stocking stuffer I got a Legolas bookmark, and it has served me well for a full year of reading. That is, until yesterday when gabrielle saw it and decided it would be much better suited as a decoration than a bookmark. "But," I protested, "it's my bookmark! I use it all the time!" Alas, to no avail. Legolas went up by the computer for the vampirenomad to fawn over. But today when I got home I was presented with a new, ROTK Legolas bookmark, with Gimli on it, too! Yay! Now I am set up for the next year. For a vampire, gabrielle can be awfully sweet sometimes.
Addendum: read gabrielle's version of events here

Here are some Lord of the Rings jokes I made up. I think you will agree that they are really really really really funny:

How long does it take Sauron to answer his phone? One ring.

What happens when Mordor comes knocking? You have a Grondez-vous.

It is unlike me to go so long without an update, 'tis true. Sadly Homie Bear has had to leave his lair and get himself a job, leaving a little less time for play. But there is always time for Return of the King, and a bunch of us went again today. Did I mention yet how perfect that movie is? The second viewing was almost more enjoyable as you could absorb some of the subtleties that you might have missed the first time around what with all the mumakil stomping around. I will say no more, so as to avoid spoilers for the two of you who haven't seen it yet.
But I hope to have a Homie Bear pooem up sometime this week, since it's been a month since the last one, but I guess I shouldn't promise you anything. You can try to bribe me with droppings, though. Maybe that will inspire me.

Way back a few albums ago, KoЯn did a song with Ice Cube called Children of the KoЯn. It was a pretty great song, of course, sort of like pretty much all KoЯn songs. Stephen King once wrote a short story called Children of the Corn and it was a decent short story. The movie entitled Children of the Corn is not in any way a good movie. In fact it is terrible. Full of creepy and ugly kids, and a main character who is a bit of an ass, so you hope he gets corned before the end, but sadly he does not.
KoЯn has ultraheavy seven-string guitars, the immortal Jonathan Davis on vocals, the occasional bagpipe solo, and great hair. Corn has bad acting, bad writing, bad special effects and bad hair, and is completely lacking in either guitars or bagpipes. So, to sum up: Children of the KoЯn = good. Children of the Corn = bad.
Here are some more great KoЯn songs you should listen to: Shoots and Ladders, Blind, Twist, It's On, Somebody Somewhere, Thoughtless, Ya'll Want a Single, and many, many more.

And now to turn my attention away from The Return of the King (best movie ever made, btw) and towards Christmas. Just one week away. I hope you have all bought me my presents! Today I went Christmas shopping and bought all sorts of presents for me so you will look kind of silly if you haven't gotten me anything. Not that I'm one to criticise, *whispers* but it might make you look kind of selfish.

So yeah, the movie was all I hoped it would be and more. I wept, I laughed. Felt fear. Cheered and clapped. And I'm sure you did too, and we'll all be back for more at the earliest possible opportunity.
Even though I didn't get a chance to dress up this year, I'm glad the theater did. The box office was done up as the One Ring, while the concession stand had a Prancing Pony motif, complete with wooden hanging sign. And the parking lot bore an eery resemblance to the pitted plains of Gorgoroth.

Grond was indeed there. And he was fell and mighty, though in the end he could not stand against the strength of the Kings of the West.
And all the orc-hosts of Mordor, and Shelob, and Gollum, and the Nazgul Lord, and finally Sauron himself succumbed also.
Brave were the deeds of Gimli and Legolas, Merry and Pippin, Aragorn and Eomer, Eowyn and Gandalf. And of course, Frodo the Ring-Bearer and Sam his strength, without whom, in the end, the Errand could not have been accomplished.

I have this old (1979) art book in my collection that has a cetain amount of nostalgic value to me. I think it was my Dad's actually, but I 'inherited' it from him. It's called a middle-earth album, and consists of paintings by Joan Wyatt. And now the entire book is reprinted online for your convenience! I know she isn't the most skilled painter ever. She is no John Howe or Alan Lee, that's for sure, but her paintings were some of the first visual references I had as a kid for Tolkien's creation. I was looking throught it just now and I see that she has a depiction of Grond. It's more of an incidental depiction, as the actual painting is of the aborted confrontation between Gandalf and the Lord of the Nazgul. But I think Peter Jackson's Grond, assuming there is one, and I think that's a safe assumption, will be way more Grondy.
In less than 24 hours I will know! Yay!

Very soon now the King will Return. As I am rereading the book in preparation for Wednesday night, I am getting more and more excited- almost unbearably so. Today I came across this passage which I think is amazing. I hope it makes it into the movie. I think it will, but even so, Tolkien's written word conveys something even the mightiest visuals cannot. It's from Chapter IV, The Siege of Gondor:

The drums rolled louder. Fires leaped up. Great engines crawled across the field; and in the midst was a huge ram, great as a forest-tree a hundred feet in length, swinging on mighty chains. Long had it been forging in the dark smithies of Mordor, and its hideous head, founded of black steel, was shaped in the likeness of a ravening wolf; on it spells of ruin lay. Grond they named it, in memory of the Hammer of the Underworld of old. Great beasts drew it, orcs surrounded it, and behind walked mountain-trolls to wield it.

Text copyright JRR Tolkien. Used without permission.

It's Here!
It's Christmas all month here at the Woods! Tonight at the G was the Christmas Concert, and it was amazing. Seriously. All the musically inclined gatheringites (so, everyone but me, basically) contributed, with all sorts of mixing and matching of musical styles. There may be some mp3's poosted soon over at the G's website. Until then, this is what you missed:
A cacophony of percussion for Little Drummer Boy. A pennywhistle and acoustic guitar for Silent Night. A rousing instrumental rendition of Carol of the Bells. Deb and Jen sang a really cool song I have never heard before about little bitty babies. East coast drinking music version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
And the newly reconstituted Seven Devil Fix played their two Christmas songs, Midnight Clear and umm, the other one. I forget what it called. Great songs, though. Fittingly, on the first night that 7DF played in public again, their CD Lotus finally arrived! Yay! I am listening to it right now and it pretty kicks ass. Not sorta kicks ass, pretty kicks ass. No- even better that that- hella kicks ass! I like the part where I sing yell on it. But it is all really great, and it sounds excellent, very professional.
I was also very happy to see my dear friends Robb and Christa out at the G, back in town for a Christmas visit. I love Christmas.

Made another trip out to Hinton today, for my Uncle's funeral. I don't think I'll say much about that.
Driving home I was without any CD's in my Mom's car, so I put the radio on the good old CBC to see what's been going on the last little while. We don't have TV or newspapers here in the Woodsy Crypt, so I've been a little out of touch with the wide world.
So imagine my surprise when they started talking about Prime Minister Paul Martin. "What the . . ? What happened to Jean Chretien? When did we have an election? Has there been a coup d'etat? Who's Paul Martin?" All these thoughts and more poured through my brain as I pondered this sudden change in the Headship of our State, after a decade of government stability. But then I remembered Jean was slated to retire in February and he just decided to retire early. So now we have a new Right Honorable Prime Minister. PM PM. At least now I know what he sounds like, if not what he looks like.

I was just kidding about that yesterday- I am looking forward to Christmas this year a lot. I like Christmas. Last year I had a few Christmas songs that I would play to get me in the festive mood. Especially Holly Cole's 2000 Miles, which I asked Deb to sing at the G that week I had to go away. Gabrielle has a Holly Cole Christmas CD, and it is fantastic. I owe a debt of gratitude to my Classy Room-mate for many things, and sitting near the top of the list is the fact that she has exposed me to so much excellent jazz. Harry Connick, Jr, some of the old greats such as Ella and Frank. You know- people who have last names but using them is superfluous.

You know, you might as well just enjoy this week. Savour it. In six days we will all go see Return of the King and it will be a great day, but after that there will be no more sweet anticipation. Nothing to look forward to. Just dreary, monotonous routine day after day with no new LOTR movies to brighten our day.
Well, I guess Christmas is coming up, too. That's cool.

Saw Snow White: A Tale of Terror tonight. Never heard of it? Me neither, until gabrielle told me about it, and we rented it tonight. It stars Sigourney Weaver so right away you know it kicks ass, and it is a somewhat darker version than the Disney tale we are all familiar with. But most fairy tales and children's literature are darker than we often realize. One of my favorite books, The Diamond Age touches on this a lot. Neal Stephenson believes children need to be taught a certain amount of subversiveness in order to grow up right (ie not dull and insipid), and this subversivenes can be taught through dark children's lit. It's a little more complicated than that, but you'll have to read the book yourself if you want to know more. Anyways, I agree with him.

I saw The Last Samurai yesterday with my friend Morna. It was good- a very beautiful film cinematographically speaking. And I have an affinity for Asian culture, as you know. Tom Cruise was good, and Ken Watanabe (the real last samurai, as it were- or second-to-last samurai- remember that old Far Side?) was exceptionally classy. So if you need some big epic battle scenes to whet your appetite for ROTK, by all means go see it. But if you have limited dollars to spend on cinema this Christmas season, save Samurai for Last. Haha.

He gets it too.

Outside magazine sends me emails every week, since I like it Outside. I felt a little left out today, though, when they sent me one with this subject line: "Sport and Adventure Goddesses, Should You Spend $400 on a Ski Jacket?"
Maybe next month they will send one that reads "Bears that live in the woods, would you like $400?"

Make sure you go visit Crazy White Girl With a Keyboard today, as she is featuring "Badly Photographed Real Estate Agents from Minnesota" as her soup of the day.

Last week due to the family situation that came up, I had to miss out on the G. No big deal, really, except that I was slated to speak. But Craig filled in for me, with a reading from the vampire nomad herself, and from all acounts it was excellent- and in fact there is an mp3 up so you can hear for yourself if you are so inclined.
So tonight was my first chance to see the new colors. Very nice! Once a refuge of purple walls and green ceiling (which I actually was quite fond of), it is now reddish and brownish. Except I am sure the colors have some sort of fancy name like tope and brun. And there's a cool squiggly line to ease the transition. Anyways, those of you who don't know the G from a V probably don't care. But if you had been there tonight to take in the improv, you would have had a pretty great time.
In fact I have to say that this weekend pretty much made up for last weekend, what with the KoЯn goodness (have I told you how much it kicks ass?) and Pirates viewing on Friday, the Gotthammer Christmas Extravaganza last night (we are all sore from the dancing and jumping. Very sore) and then lunch with the folks today and of course the G tonight.

And now heaven
Okay so it's been a shitty week all around, and even today running errands around Edmonton was a minor trial with all the bad vibes out there. But all is well now because I am finally listening to the new KoЯn disc now. And it KICKS ASS! It is seriously heavy and exactly what I need to listen to right now. Plus they bust out the bagpipes again, after giving them a rest for Untouchables. Ahhh. For some musical therapy just Take a Look In The Mirror.

A Small Rant
Alright. Wednesday was a shitty day. The weather was shitty in Calgary. The 550 km drive to Hinton was shitty. There was an overturned van in the left lane of the highway at one point. Overturned as in upside down. But I am good at ice driving. And I made good time, though I had just over an hour to get the 100 kms from Entwhistle to Edson in order to drop off my uncle's cremated remains at the funeral home there. So I sped a little bit. Not too much because the roads were bad and it was my Grandma's car, but I was speeding. In fact I passed a cop car. Normally I would never do something so blatantly stupid as that, but my mind was in a billion other places. And the cop I passed happened to be the infamous Asshole Cop of Edson. As you know, many cops are assholes. As much as I can hate them for that, I also recognize that it is a defence mechanism. But this guy is overthetop assholey. Anyone who has driven through Edson knows who I'm talking about. Anyways, he gives me a $142 ticket, harrasses my Grandma a bit for having a licence plate that was three days expired (the exact length of time since we had gone to Calgary to deal with the passing of her son) and then, after all that, he refused to do me the simple favour of taking my uncle's remains into Edson for me, since he had delayed me past their closing time. "I'm not working tomorrow" he said. Asshole.
And then when I got to Hinton I discovered that one of my Grandma's cats had pooed on my bed. Contrary to what you might think, Homie Bear is not actually a big fan of poo. Especially when it is ON MY BED!!!
Alright, I think I have vented enough. At some point I think I should probably pray- haven't really done too much of that. Good day.

She gets it.
When Homie Bear isn't in the room, all the other bloggers should be saying, "Where's Homie Bear?"
Or at least talking about him ;)

I have returned to my home, which I love best. Right now I don't feel like going into much detail about the past few days. Maybe I will later, or maybe I will just leave it. I'm just really glad to be back.
With some Christmas music in the background, we decorated our apartment for the Season tonight- it looks very festive and woodsy, appropriately enough. We have TWO mini Christmas trees up, and Ted (the plant) is sporting a couple of ornaments as well. Candles, angels, snowflakes, holly and ribbon round out the decor. Oh yeah, a decorative Starship Enterprise and a Shuttlecraft help complete the transition to Merry Christmas time! Yay!

A quick update:
Hi everyone. I'm in Hinton borrowing my Grandparents' computer real quick. There has been a death in the family, it was rather sudden and unexpected, so I had to rush out to Hinton to get my Grandma and take her to Calgary. We took care of business yesterday and came back to Hinton today- the weather wasn't really great but we made it. I got to drive my Granmda's brand new Acura and it is a good car to drive in icy weather.
Anyways, I'll be back tomorrow. Thanks gabrielle for looking after things here. Talk to you tomorrow.

A Message from the Vampire Nomad, gabrielle

I'm back in the Woods again as a guest pooster. This time I am not here to rant but simply to let you know that Homie has been called away on some vital bear business. He will be out of town for a few days and wondered if I would be so kind as to poost as much here so you don't think he's ignoring you. He never would.

If you find yourself at odds during Homie's absence, drifting without the usual bear pearls of wisdom to enrich your day, please visit any of the other sites Homie has linked to or swing by the crypt and rattle around in my twilight for awhile.

~ gabrielle

So I am speaking twice this weekend. Tomorrow night for some university students at a formal banquet- I get to dress up! Yay! I'm going to wear a black suit, black shirt and I have my nails painted black. Not very festive, but very me. And then on Sunday evening at the G. For tomorrow I was asked to speak on 'Christmas Around the World.' And then Sunday is First Sunday of Advent. I think this is the third First Advent in a row I have preached at the Gathering. I'm running out of things to say! But I have just enough left for Sunday, I hope.
Actually I was also asked to speak Sunday at Lister Hall but I was committed already. It's nice to be in demand. It never rains but it poos. Or however that goes.

So yeah, The Haunted Mansion was bad. Oh well. Pirates DVD will be here on Tuesday to salve the pain away. And look- it even features commentary by Johnny!
In other Johnny Depp news, we watched Edward Scissorhands tonight. Can you believe I have never seen it before? I can't really account for this oversight- I always intended to see it, since Tim Burton was one of the first directors I was aware of when I was younger, aside from Lucas and Spielberg, and like most in my age group, Batman was one of my favorite movies. I even liked Batman Returns. But 13 years of oversight has been rectified tonight. Good movie. Hard to believe that's Johnny. Gabrielle does it more justice than I can, so go read her words. And bite her! Biting in the crypt is the same as leaving a dropping here, which of course you are always welcome, nay, encouraged, to do.

I'm sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled walk in the Woods, but this is important news. It's gabrielle here: I've booted Homie for this one post (or *shudders* POOST) because I have something to rant about and I refuse to sully the crypt with the subject matter. Additionally, these Woods contain poo. Which can be translated into 'shit'. Which is exactly what I have to dump here so it's only fitting that I abandon the crypt and borrow the Woods for this tirade. Please pay attention. It's in your best interest to do so.

Do not watch 'Haunted Mansion'.

Don't do it. Don't fall victim to the seductive Pirates siren song. 'Pirates of the Caribbean' was a wonderful movie. I know this. I watched in awe. I was THERE! But Pirates had a few key things that 'Haunted Mansion' doesn't. Plot. Johnny Depp. Orlando Bloom. Wit. A director without a split personality. Don't say to yourself "You know, Pirates was a damn fine movie. Disney's on a real roll these days. I'm definitely going to see 'Haunted Mansion' when it comes out." Disney's not on a roll! Remember the ride that started the whole movie-from-ride madness? ANYBODY? Bear Country Jamboree. Oh yes, those loveable stop-motion backwoods bears became 'The Country Bear Movie'. Why can't you remember it? BECAUSE IT WAS A BAD MOVIE! Just like 'Haunted Mansion'.

Take one part 'Resident Evil', one part 'Doctor Dolittle', two parts 'Casper the Friendly Ghost', sprinkle in the LOTR Balrog, a Star Trek alien light ball, and jokes from 'The Sixth Sense'. Stir in a giant Addams Family cauldron. Remove when lukewarm. VOILA - 'Haunted Mansion'.

Jennifer Tilly deserves better. *hangs head and sobs*

This is going on my List of Hours I'll Never Get Back. I fully intend to bill Eddie Murphy for the two hours that were sucked clean out of my lifespan by 'Haunted Mansion'. He owes me for those two hours. His name is right underneath Sharon Stone's for 'Beautiful Joe' (Sharon, I love you, but PAY UP) and Pixar's for 'Finding Nemo'. If I hear one more person tell me how much they loved 'Finding Nemo' I'll... I'll... make them watch 'Haunted Mansion'! *mutters* ... stupid gimp fish...

Heed my warning. 'Haunted Mansion' is billed as a fantasy/horror/comedy/family film. This is because the director was on crack. He was filming four movies at once. All bad. I hereby re-classify 'Haunted Mansion' as a horror film. I know I was horrified.

*sighs*

*steps off soapbox*

I'm finished. Thank you, Homie. I feel the smallest bit better now.

Philately is not really my thing (though my late Grandfather was an avid collector; he even ran a zine on Latin American stamps), but look at what the Google ads put on my banner today: LOTR stamps! Cool. Nice crown, Aragorny! Hee hee, like Aragorny Weaver. Kicking alien and orc ass.

It's Paleo Day Here at the Woods!
When I was in elementary school I knew all about dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals. I wanted to be a paleontologist. As cool as dinosaurs were, with their alien monstrousness, I was even more partial to the just-slightly-removed-from-us world of the prehistoric mammal, such as Titanotherium (I pulled that name out of 23-year-old memory banks), sabre-toothed tigers (which, everyone knows, aren't tigers at all; Smilodon) and hominids such as Neanderthals. I had a like-minded friend named Peter. At recess we were often to be found playing outside in the snow (Canadian winters being ideal for simulating ice age conditions) pretending to be mammoths. We ran around calling each other Nathan Woolly Mammoth and Peter Woolly Mammoth.
Remember that old NFB fim of the stop-motion mammoths? I sooo thought they were real when I was a young Woolly Mammoth.

There used to be some pretty sweet megafauna running around. Aside from Aepys, there were giant sloths, megalodons, mastodons, mammoths, and, my personal favorite, Ursus spelaeus, the cave bear. Giant bears who lived in caves. You would think such an awesome beat would be a fearsome predator, but in fact they seemed to have been herbivorous.
There is a book called The Clan of the Cave Bear, but sadly it is not really about bears at all. Though I do remember the movie, starring Darryl Hannah, had a pretty cool (for the time) sequence of a cave bear beheading a neanderthal. Unfortunately the neanderthals got even by hunting the cave bears to extinction.

The King of the Cassowaries

Take a look at this guy (and his girlfriend):
Unfortunately he went extinct back in the 1660's, likely due to (what else) hunting and encroachment by humans. His name is Aepyornis and he is the basis of the roc legend of the Middle East. Aepy stood ten feet tall, weighed 400 kilos (over 800 lbs) and lived on the island of Madagascar. They produced the largest eggs known to science. In fact, some believe they produced the biggest eggs that are structurally possible, making an Aepy egg the biggest single cell in existence, bigger than any dinosaur eggs. Pretty cool hey? I learned about him from an old children's book on monsters I have. It's a pretty great book- called The World of the Unknown: All About Monsters- it's got some great and graphic pictures of monsters both factual (dinos, Aepys) and fictional (dragons and minotaurs) but for all its grandness, there seems to be a rather large oversight. There is not one mention of vampires in the entire book. Maybe they decided vampires deserved their own volume.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends!

Look what I can do: KoЯn! And it turns out there is no trade embargo against Canada (though gabrielle said some very pertinent things in the droppings that are still at issue). There has just been a major sKЯew up in the shipping of the discs. They should be in stores any day now. I think they should be free for the first two days for those of us who have made multiple excursions to buy the disc.
And since I have nowhere else to stick this, here is a cool artist link.

I had a dream last night that involved an issue of National Geographic from the future. One of the stories was "The Lost Ballads of Motley Crüe."

I watched Raising Arizona tonight. Finally. You might recall I have had some difficulty tracking down a copy to rent. One time I thought I found it and when I got home I discovered I had actually rented The Royal Tenenbaums. Which turned out to be somewhat serendipitous since I absolutely loved that movie.
Raising Arizona had some good laughs and some classic Coen Brothers dialogue, but it won't be joining the other Coen Bros discs I have in my collection. I just don't know that I would ever watch it again- a touch too loud for my sensitive ears. The Tenenbaums DVD has joined my collection, though, so it all worked out in the end. I have since watched both Rushmore and Bottle Rockets, and they are also really great.
Here are a couple of essays about the Tenenbaums and Wes Anderson in general.

The Harvest is Late
Yeah, so still no KoRn. They keep emailing me every day to make sure I've bought the new CD, and I would certainly relish the opportunity to do so, but since it isn't OUT yet, it's kind of hard.
I think this is a Canada thing. That has been coming up a bit lately- usually it is not an issue but I was prevented from seeing the Clone Wars miniseries as well. Hmm. Is there an embargo on that I am not aware of? Some sort of trade war? I saw my Member of Parliament in the London Drug today, maybe I should have asked her.

I am halfway through Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire and sadly, there has not yet been any mention of cassowaries. I think my streak may be at an end. But Louis and Claudia are just heading to Europe so there is still some hope they may run into the lesser-known Transylvanian Cassowary. It is extinct, now, of course, but in the time period of Interview I think there were still some left.

My homie Lydia found dis, yo! Gollum raps. Sort of. Maybe he and Annie Lennox will cut a CD together after the ROTK soundtrack kicks ass. Gollum is in lots of songs, did you ever notice? There was that Gollum Song in the Two Towers, but he also shows up in Led Zeppelin's Misty Mountain Hop. Yeah, so he's in two songs.
Here's some more LOTR rap I just found. Think License to Ill era Beasties in Middle-Earth.

Shok and sons might be aghast at this, but my pooker table loved playing several bastardized versions of the game, including many we made up ourselves. Stevey was particularly good at coming up with rules and games. Like Mafia, in which a jack was a kill card and a king was a "get to see another guy's hole cards" card. Unless you had an ace, in which case you had protection. Pooker odds go out the window when you play these kinds of games, but they are lots of fun.
And we always ended our nights with Fish, a game we didn't make up but modified a bit. In Fish, each person is dealt four cards, and lays four chips out in front of him. The first person lays down a card, and if the next player can match it, first guy loses a chip to the pot. If third guy can play the same card, second guy loses two chips to the pot. Once you're out of chips you're out of the game, and the game keeps going until there is only one left standing, and then that player gets the pot.
The house rules we added were this. If someone matched a 9 (so that a 9 and a 9 were played), that is called the Gretzky. As anyone who watched the NHL in the '80's knows, you never hit Gretzky. So the third player, if he didn't have another 9, could lay a 3 down- McSorley come to settle the score. And then , if fourth guy didn't have a 3, he could lay down the ref to send McSorley to the penalty box. The ref being the ace of spades. It was always fun explaining those rules to any new guys we had. They tended to think we were just messing with them.

Hopefully those of you who care saw the games yesterday. Those of you who don't, it might be best if you skipped this poost. Cause it was awesome!!! Seeing all the Boys on the Bus together again. I sort of have to admit that I kinda got a little bit choked up during the player introductions. Never needed a tissue for a hockey game before. The alumni game was hardly the high-scoring game it was widely predicted to be- Georges Laraque called a score of 20-14 for Edmonton, apparently thinking he was asked about LAST week's Edmonton/Montreal game, the Grey Cup. Instead it was 2-0, with the goals coming from Kenny Lineseman and um, Marty McSorley. Yeah, Gretzky, Kurri, Messier, Anderson and Coffey were all on the ice and none of them scored, but McSorley did. McSorley also had the best quote of the weekend, too, when he pointed at Dave Hunter, who has gained a little weight since his playing days, and said, "We call him the Hunter Brothers!"
Non one expected a goal-tending clinic, but it was very cool to see Grant Fuhr in vintage mode, and Billy Ranford looked pretty good, too, though he got some help from the posts. Poosts? Posts.
And then Edmonton lost against Montreal in the regular season game, 4-3. But it was still very cool to watch. Oh yeah and Pauline Gretzky singing Sarah McLachlan's I Will Remember You was a pretty classy touch, too.

The biggest hockey game short of Game 7 of a Stanley Cup final is about to start, and oddly enough it is merely an exhibition game. Gretzky, Messier, Fuhr and all the guys from the glory years. Some of my earliest memories involve watching hockey games with my Dad when he got home from work. Messier was one of the first words I learned to read, but of course I thought it was pronounced like "My room is messier than my sister's room." Actually I kind of wish my sister were here to watch it with me. She would love this kind of thing. But don't feel too sorry for her, she lives in Mexico. And Papa Bear is at work. But don't feel too sorry for him, either, he's going to Mexico next week, and again at Christmas.

I always thought those waiters and waitresses who could take your order without writing it down were pretty impressive. Not really amazing, but certainly above average. Sorta like Kronk, in Emperor's New Groove when he's in the restaurant. Kronk really is amazing, yet very below average in some ways.
In Lhasa, there was this one restaurant we liked to eat at, they served some excellent Tibetan cuisine. The waitresses, used to dealing with Westerners, would take our order and bring us our soup and yak meat and what-have-you. But then when you were ready to leave, you had to go into the kitchen and write sown everything you ordered and calculate the expenses and pay accordingly. It was actually kind of fun, but it made me laugh a little.
One time my friend and ex-room-mate Corey and I went in there and spontaneously started having a drawing contest, since we came prepared with pen and paper. There was a beautiful painting of a nomadic yak-herder on the wall, and we both did our best facsimile. The waitress thought this was very funny- really above average in hilarity, as she shyly watched us and giggled uncontrollably. I like to think she was laughing with us, and not at our sketching ability, which was certainly below average.
When we were finshed and I was judged the winner (if memory serves ;), we presented our efforts to the waitress and she put them up along with the original. So if you're ever in Lhasa you can go to the Tashi 1 restaurant and see some original Homie Bear artwork.

Some exciting things I have noticed lately:
-The Oilers are obviously pumped for Saturday as they have now won four in a row. Yay! All four were played sans Salo, by the way.
-Annie Lennox will be singing the end-song on the Return of the King Soundtrack! Yay!
-KoRn's new CD is out tomorrow! Yay!
-It's Walter, the Farting Dog! Yay!

As I was trudging through the snow today, feeling very much like a polar bear, I stopped in at a 7-11 to peruse the magazines. I saw one I have to get, and here's why: Grizzly polar bears! Be warned, though, if you follow the link, they only print the opening few paragraphs, so that you actually have to buy the magazine. Yeah, I thought I could be tricksy and just go home and read it on the net, but oh well. Canadian Geographic is a fine publication, as long as it is talking about bears or whales or me. I usually skip the ones that have cover shots of Saskatchewan canola fields, though.

It's winter! It's fall! It's winter! It's fall! Edmonton can be like that in November, a month in which it is equally possible to be 10-15 degrees above or below zero on any given day. Even the same day. Last night when I went to bed, there was nary a snowflake on the ground. Today when I woke up there were about eight hundred and seventy-poo trillion of them. Muchos . . . do they have a word for snow in Mexico?
I hope this won't affect the big outdoor game on Saturday. Gretz has said the alumni (old-timers) game will go on no matter what, and to be honest that's the one I want to see, but the regular season Oilers/Canadiens game may be cancelled if it is too cold. Shouldn't be, though. Remember what I said to the Haligonian about the Grey Cup?

This is a little poem I've been working on for a few days, which is longer than they usually take to write. I will just poost it now in case I never finish it. There- finished. I call it
A Study in Blue Conducted in D Major:

The bunnies and beavers, the mice and the moose
All gathered together by the gnarled old spruce
The elk and the deer helped fill up the quorum
For the First Annual Forest Animal Forum
The Chairman Chipmunk called a start to the meeting
First on the agenda was concern over eating
Of innocent animals by big ugly bears
Who crunch on the bones in their big ugly lairs
The squirrels suggested a pre-emptive strike
Mr. Moose had a laugh and said, "Do as you like
"Bombard them with acorns until they surrender
"When their heads start to ache and their heinies get tender"
The squirrels sat down and the bunnies took the floor
"We are known for our cuteness and not for our roar
"So we have a proposal and we hope you will grab it
"Henceforth we shall be known by the name Grizzly Rabbit"
The motion was passed and the rabbits were glad
But the field mice stood up and they looked kind of mad
They squeaked something out about how it just wasn't fair
For a rodent to take on the name of a bear
"We are NOT rodents, and we will do as we please
"So sit down and be silent and eat some of your cheese"
Next thing you know all the animals were fighting
There was scratching and clawing and beating and biting
Elk called Racoon a bank-robbing bandit
The bighorns banged heads and the beavers said dam it
The F.A.F.A.F. was an utter disaster
It went south like the geese but only much faster
Homie looked on and shook his head, all disgusted
He could have helped but predators weren't trusted
This all goes to show that you never should dare
To try changing the world without the help of a bear!

As if the Grey Cup win wasn't big enough, next weekend the Oilers are hosting the NHL's first ever outdoor game at the Commonwealth Stadium. Tickets are pretty much impossibe to get- they auctioned off the rights to buy tickets in a lottery, and 700,000 people, or just less than the entire population of Edmonton, entered. Those who won bought all the tickets. So I will have to watch this one on TV somewhere, but I wish I was going. Especially since the Oil announced today the signing of Adam Oates, a player I have always liked.

One month to go till the King Returns. And one day to go till The Two Towers extended version DVD. 'Tis the season to be jolly.
Plus, for some reason, the Clone Wars microseries is now available to all us non-Americans. I'm feeling more and more festive by the minute!

Mr. and Mrs. Gotthammer went to Banff last weekend and were kind enough to bring me some Black Bear Droppings. Mmm they taste good. Actually, they are chocolate coated cashews. Mike told me that Jen saw them in a store window and said they would be the perfect gift. So thanks to both of them for their thoughtfulness, which has been demonstrated on many an occasion. Next time I have a supply of black bear droppings I will be sure to return the favour! Hehe.

Yup, I knew it. Grey Cup glory for Edmonton.
But I don't regret missing the game on account of the G tonight. It was good- little babies were dedicated. All their extended family was there, and it was a sacred thing.
So really, goodness all around in Edmonton tonight. Yay Esks!

The Edmonton Eskimos have jumped to an early lead in the Grey Cup. I am off to the Gathering now, so I will unfortunately not be watching the game. But I am confident that when I return to my woods that the Eskies will be the champions of the world! Alright, champions of Canada, but really that's all that matters. Superbowl? I eat bowls for breakfast. Or is it, I eat breakfast from bowls? Something like that. Anyways, give me the Grey Cup any day.
Go esks!

So, finally saw Revolutions last night. I liked it, though I will admit it is the weakest of the three movies. I really liked the big battle scene, since I used to be a heavy equipment operator so I could imagine myself (or more likely, my Dad who is a world class operator) strapping into one of those APU (what does that stand for? Can you buy them at the Quik E Mart?) things and wreaking some havoc. But, that is all I will say about that, in case you haven't yet seen it. Oh, and also, there was no Rage song at the end. This was enraging. Well, disgruntling, at least.

And today I FINALLY saw Interview With The Vampire. Good movie. Makes me want to reread the books, since I read the first three 13 years ago, and have never read any of the others. Also it has inspired me to interview the vampire I live with, but since said vampire is sleeping out hunting, I will just give you what I imagine her answers would be. You can be confident that all her answers are completely accurate since I know her so well.

Interview With the Vampire Nomad

Homie Bear: So, Vampire Nomad, welcome to my show.
Vampire Nomad: Thank you.
HB: I know you're not one for small talk so let me get right down to business. Tell me, who is the best room mate in the entire world?
VN: Definitely Homie Bear. Really, there's no question.
HB: I see. Interesting. Tell me more about him.
VN: Gladly, I can't ever say enough about him. He is smart and funny and a good cook and classy (but not shifty) and embodies all that is right about humanity. Or Bearanity as the case may be.
HB: So, have you bought him his Christmas Present yet?
VN: No, not yet. I am still deciding what to get him.
HB: I bet he would like a new car, or maybe a train. He likes boats!
VN: Hmm, all good suggestions, but I was thinking something a little more ornate. But it's a secret. Trust me, though, it'll be the best present ever.
HB: Yay! Ok, next question. Who is your hero?
VN: Homie Bear, definitely. But, aren't you going to ask me about life as a vampire?
HB: Oh yeah! Let's see . . . oh, look we're out of time! Join me tomorrow night when my special guests will be my conference call buddies, the Dalai Lama, King Snowfrost and Marilyn Manson. Have a good night!

I hope you listened to the Star Trekking song I linked to yesterday, because then you will be adequately prepared to go over to the Crypt to read mine and gabrielle's Next Generation version that we wrote tonight. Mostly she wrote it and I laughed, but I will claim partial authorship in terms of being moral support.

Here are some links to amuse you while I edit my friend's paper on Plato's Republic:
Here we have Exploring Plato's Dialogues, a fascinating site on . . . oh, I said amusing links, didn't I? Sorry. Alright, then via Colby Cosh, here is a diagram of the Ten Tallest Skyscrapers. Also from Colby, here is an essay contest in case you have a thousand dollars to burn and always wanted to own a hotel in Grande Prairie.
I remember hearing a novelty song on the radio many years ago now, about Star Trek. Since Trek has figured so prominently here and in the Crypt lately, I thought I would try to track it down. Success! You'll need RealPlayer, but if you don't have it, you can at least read the lyrics.

Although there is no book called Ape of God, there is the intriguing-sounding Monster of God, about man-eating predators (such as tigers, gabrielle, I think you should get this book!). I wish I had thought of this title first. David Quammen must have been listening to Metallica's Some Kind of Monster and Sepultura's Apes of God and suddenly the lightbulb went on in his head.

Back in my university days, my friend Rob and I were always lab partners. We hardly ever sat still long enough to do the labs, though. Instead we were always wandering around the room, looking in on others' work, going off to HUB mall (the U of A has its own mall- only in Edmonton, eh?) for lunch or video games . . . it was a state of mind. Actually, it was its very own Nation. Glorious Slackerland, we called it. We even thought about making a flag for Glorious Slackerland, but that would have been too much work.
Anyways, I was reminded of it today when I encountered some true Patriots of Glorious Slackerland.
Vixi desidiosis!

In my browsing yesterday I came across a friend of Selkie's by the name of Gimmy who is holding a bloggiversary contest. She is a pretty good photographer so the contest is to pick one of her photos and write a poem about it. You can see my entry over at her blog, as well as the photo I used for inspiration. And of course you can enter yourself if you like. There is a link to the rules from there. Better hurry- though I just found out about it yesterday, it has been on for a couple of weeks and the due date is the 15th.

The vampirenomad is always brilliant, but I feel doubly compelled to point you to her latest entry- it is Star Trekky again, but (repeat after me) this is never a bad thing. The additional cultural references and mini-review of Pink's new album are a study in . . . um . . . something. Zeitgeist or whatever you call it. Anyways, go check it out.

I finished reading Life of Pi today. It was pretty good- though I thought it was about a talking tiger, and it wasn't. The tiger is a major part of the book, but he doesn't talk. Don't know where I got that from. I heard that M. Night Shyamalan is filming an adaptation of it right now- that should be pretty cool. I won't say much more since I recommend you all read the book.
But I will say that I didn't expect the book to have an almost Bradbury-ish quality to it. Now, it so happens that I have Bradbury on the mind right now as my room-mate just got me reading The October Country by him, so it's hard to say if I would have thought so without that recent influence. But those of you who have read it, do you see what I am saying? Should make a cool M Knight movie, anyways.

In fairness, she DID warn me. Gabrielle and I, pursuant to our mutual Trek obsession these days, watched Insurrection tonight. It was horrible. As in, truly terrible and godawful. I saw Nemesis for the first time a few nights ago (having dropped out of Trek fanhood for a few years, there), and I thought it was pretty good. Very close to great, even. But Insurrection just didn't measure up. Because it sucked (it is an odd-numbered Trek movie, and thus subsceptible to the curse). There were a few inspired moments, usually involving crew interaction, and the space battle was pretty good, but the story was so talky and boring and completely devoid of tension. Sample line, "How could I ever look at another sunset knowing all the suffering we let these people endure?" I think gabrielle's exact words referring to the first time she saw it were, "There goes two hours of my life I'll never get back."
But at least I was allowed to watch it in my own country.

Grrr! You know, I can handle being shut out of most contests due to being Canadian- it would be nice to enter to win a free Two Towers DVD or a chance to be an extra in Star Wars III, but since the chances of winning are so negligible, it is really not a tragedy that I am not eligible. Hee hee I used negligible and eligible in the same sentence.
But what really frustrates me is that I can not watch chapter 2 of the Clone Wars simply because I do not reside in the UNITED STUPID STATES OF POO?????? Why the hell would I want to live in a country that . . . ok, rant averted, simply because I do not want to offend my American friends and readers, of whom there are many. Still. I watched Chapter 1 no problem just the other day, so why all of a sudden is chapter 2 denied me?
Perhaps this is the CRTC at work, come to think about it. In which case it would be MY country that is the pooey one, and I would owe an apoology to the 'mericans.

There is something wrong with the blogspot banner ads. I think someone has hacked into them because there is no way blogspot would do this. And just like with the creepy nun picture, this one is on all blogspot pages. Hopefully by the time you read this it will have been fixed and you won't have any idea what I'm talking about.
Update: Interestingly, with my very limited hacker skills (ie, nonexistent), I was able to discover a couple of things. I checked the properties of the image, and this is its URL: www.blogblog.com/images/header1.gif. Now, www.blogblog.com is just a 404 not found page. But I typed in blogblog.com/images/header2.gif to see what would come up, and it was the old blogspot logo that used to appear. Strange, n'est ce pas? But what does it all mean?

Disney seems to have a fascination with bears, did you ever notice? Winnie the Pooh, Baloo, Little John in Robin Hood (both Baloo and Little John were voiced by Phil Harris, incidentally), the Country Bears, and now Brother Bear. I think it's only a matter of time before they approach me regarding making a movie about Homie Bear. I'll be right here, Disney, when you're ready!

Just the other day I was thinking about how I don't have anyone of just the right age to take to movies such as Brother Bear, a movie I don't particularly want to see, but feel obligated to in light of its subject matter. There used to be this little guy named Zach who came out to the Gathering, and we were friends. His mom thought it would be cool for me to take him out from time to time, and we had fun seeing movies and tobogganogganing and stuff, but then they moved away.
Tonight at the Gathering I walk in, and who should be there but A and Z! They have moved back, and though Zach didn't immediately remember me, it didn't take him long to warm up again. And he asked me, "Do you want to go see Brother Bear? Or Matrix Revolutions?"
I told him Brother Bear would be a great movie to go see. Matrix might not be appropriate for him, since he is only 8. And besides, I couldn't possibly go see Matrix with anyone other than gabrielle.

And did you know there was a lunar eclipse going on right this minute? I can see it out the balcony door. Pretty.

Remembrance Day is coming up, so I wrote a little piece which I published over at the Cave. It's a few days early but I went over to a coffeeshop this afternoon and wrote it, so I might as well put it up now.

The Genndy Tartakovsky Clone Wars microseries debuted last night, and you can watch Chapter 1 here at the Star Wars site, or at the Cartoon Network site, which has some pretty cool Flashness going on. It's just an introductory episode, and like all the chapters, only a couple of minutes long, but it's pretty good. As in, better than Attack of the Clones.

Remember the Choose your Own Adventure books? I was good at them- I always chose the right adventures. Anyways, someone recently emailed me the URL for a site they made- Choose Your Own Adventure New York!

I finally finished reading Cryptonomicon yesterday. That was one long book. As gabrielle said, "Now you can read something good." For the record, I enjoyed Cryptonomicon very much. One doesn't read an 1100+ page book that sucks, but it is nice to move onto something else.
And that something else is Life of Pi. It's quite good, so far. It's about animals and religion and who knows what else. But the cool thing about it is, it is the second book in a row to mention cassowaries! Yay! Though both times were very incidental. Still.

What is with the creepy nun that is on all the blogspot banner ads? She is looking decidedly unnunnish.

Ahh, so good to be back, safe from vampires and nomads at last. Bear with me while I attempt to put things back the way they were.
And there! I kept a few changes- I thought the black looked kind of cool. What do you think? Of course, if you were to offer me a completely reworked template featuring trees and bears and streams and even snow, that would be even cooler. But for now, this will do.

Hello? Can you hear me? Hopefully this works. I think gabrielle and I have figured out the cause of all the mayhem. You might have read the account of my deductive reasoning over at the Crypt where I was stuck for the last few days, where I poosited that it was Poe who was responsible for the switch. Gabrielle tended to agree with me, and said this:
"I tend to believe Poe was typing and nefariously reversed the polarity of the gravitational field while attempting to make an interplexing beacon that would alter the timeline of the current universe to one where cats rule the world and humans exist only to carry the cats around on cushions."
And then I found Poe doing this.
So. Caught in the act. Unfortunately she is not in the least bit scared of me so when I commanded her to re-reverse the poe-larity she just off-handedly swiped at me with her claws.
So then I tattled on her to her mom and she made her put it back the way it was.

For those of you following along at home, Blarg is now 5 for 5 in the potential solution department and the rest of you are either too baffled to attempt to make sense of this switch or you don't care. I'm vain enough to believe everybody cares what happens to Homie and I so I'll assume you're all having brain farts (or, as I like to call them, Keanu moments) and cut you some slack. In any case, Blarg did come up with 5 very intriguing and potentially devastating options. Let's review...

1. Reverse the polarity. This is a popular choice. Homie came up with something not dissimilar himself. Reverse the quantum polarity, reverse the effect of the space-time rift, reverse the dataflux... it's all the same theory. Geordi could expound upon it in nauseating detail I'm sure but I'll put it to you in lay terms. If we make the engines go the other way, we'll be sucked back into our own blogs. The Enterprise reversed polarity rather frequently, usually in terms of gravitational fields, and to the best of my TNG knowledge never blew up as a direct result. So this is definitely in the running.

2. Redirect power from the EPS manifolds. There once was a time when I could flip open my Star Trek Technical Manual (I'll pause for the laughter to subside) and tell you exactly what the EPS manifold was and how it worked. Of course since then I found myself living a rather eventful life and promptly forgot all my isolation-induced Academy training. However I can tell you that messing with the EPS manifold is no mere trifle. (Puppy you just hush - we're not aiming for Data-like accuracy here. Just a vague Riker-esque impression of what things do.) If we redirect power from the EPS manifold we not only have to contend with a drained manifold but the reality that... well... redirect power to what?... and for what purpose? In blog terms this is too vague to be considered an actual answer. But as theories go it's like bubblegum. Fun to chew on, little nutritional value.

3. Venting plasma. If I had a dollar for every time venting plasma solved the problem du jour, I'd have, like, five dollars. Venting plasma can really solve just about any problem. Warp core overheating? Vent the plasma. Anti-matter containment breach? Vent the plasma. Ten-Forward out of Romulan ale? Vent the damn plasma! When all else fails... yeah, you guessed it. This is one of those all-encompassing no-brainer solutions. It's an alternate to using Data's superior speed, processing, intelligence, or strength to get out of a tight spot. Definitely in the running.

4. Try using the navigational deflector array as an interplexing beacon. This is by far my favorite of the Blarg Solutions. It worked not so well for the Borg but not because the idea was flawed. The idea is sheer and unadulterated brilliance. With the navigational deflector re-worked to function as an interplexing beacon you can re-write the fabric of time. Give or take dimensional rift plausibility and timeline consistency. Where the Borg failed was in execution. They tend to lack the ability to adapt to change with any degree of creativity. Creativity is not a problem here. In fact, all we're really working with is creativity. Which is why this is such a great idea!

5. Email the guys at blogspot. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *gasps* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... wheeeeeee... what sort of science fiction reality do you think we're living here?

I'm going to get my crack team of scientists (re-runs of Geordi's finest moments in combination with my old grade ten science text book) working on these options straight away. Hopefully Homie will weigh in with his own observations sometime tonight. I feel pretty good about our chances here, truth be told. Barring sudden disaster (like letting Deanna drive), we should be back in our own blogs before you can say 'Bob's your uncle'.

G the VN

P.S. I hate the color orange.

P.P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

P.P.P.S. So... it's been, like, five minutes since I last posted. Any ideas, anyone? Hello?

G the VN

I just watched two more episodes of TNG to see if I could come up with a solution to the whole blog-switch insanity Homie and I currently find ourselves in. I didn't learn anything directly applicable to our current dilemma but I did observe some things that may be useful in future situations. For example...

1) Site-to-site transports are useful for evading forcefield corridor blockages. And pursuant Klingons.
2) Dating on the Enterprise is just another excuse to work more.
3) Bad things happen when Riker is left alone on Risa.
4) Flashlights are called 'palm beacons'.
5) Geordi will be alone forever.

Other than that I have to admit that I'm stumped. Over at my beautiful crypt, Homie has been getting a few bewildered comments in regards to the switch just as I have here in the woods. It seems this little dilemma is causing more than a few head scratching moments. Listen, there are a few things you all should know about this situation. First of all, we didn't plan it. Nobody plans dataflux or a quantum filament. Come on, people. Second, we'd each like to be back in our own home blogs before Christmas. Or Wednesday. Pick your poison. Third, there is one more thing I learned from Trek - to be open to suggestions. Which is why I'm now turning to all you loyal readers for assistance. HELP!

Just click on the 'bite me' link... *sighs*... I mean the 'droppings' link and leave me your comments, thoughts, and plans of action. Seriously. We could use a hand here. Not that I'm not brilliant but much more of this cold wintry woodsy existence and my brain will stop functioning altogether. And I'm sure by now Homie's starving. Unless you're an immortal, a vampiric twilight isn't the best place to forage for food.

G the VN

"Fuck breakfast!" ~ Marilyn Manson
(Except tomorrow when I get a free furbday breakfast at Denny's.)

In honor of my new surroundings (woods and poo, in case anybody could forget), I went wandering to acclimatize myself to the region. What I learned is not necessarily any sort of profound (or POOfound, as Homie would doubtless say) life lesson. It was freezing cold. There was snow. And yes, there were trees. So I will now bastardize MM's statement to suit my needs.

"Fuck winter!" ~ Gabrielle

I long for the dark closeness of my crypt where snowflakes dare not penetrate. Not even to fall feather-light on my eyelashes. The beauty of such moments is tangible but preferrably viewed from within the confines of a warm sanctum. I wander these woods and try to learn what lesson must be learned in order to send me back to my lush twilight realm.

I did have a marvelous furbday celebration last night, however. To all the Beautiful People who surprised me and showered me with friendship and gifts, I was truly taken off guard and truly touched. It was the best party I could have imagined and I thank every one of you for being part of it. As I thank my dear sister for planning it all and feeding the hungry masses with a feast fit for an immortal.

HAPPY TO ME!

G the VN

Oooooooookaaaaaaay....

WTF?

I posted a whole entry about the glories of my birthday to my blog and it ended up posting to Homie's woods. What the hell is going on here?

Yeah, I'm screwed. After five log-out and log-in attempts, I can't make anything post to my blog. Just Homie's. I can't explain this switch. I can only theorize that it has something to do with dataflux. I suspect that the anti-matter containment mix somehow reversed polarity when we passed through the vertiform particle storm thus triggering a rift in the fabric of space. I can't back that up. And actually I think I'm beginning to sense that too much Trek can begin to affect your daily life in ways heretofore considered impossible...

I don't know what to do about this. I mean, I DON'T EVEN LIKE CAMPING! Guh... woods... poo... hmmm... though a true vampire could have a seriously good time converting the wildlife into immortal predators here. Fear me. My impetus knows no bounds.

G the VN

So far my birthday has more closely remembled the twelve days of Christmas than any traditional sort of birth celebration. Deservedly so, I may add.

It began on Tuesday with the first of Homie Bear's seven-part gift to me. So far I've received a 'Shakespeare In Love' DVD, a Beethoven CD, a Luke Skywalker action figure (complete with removable hand), a 'Star Trek: First Contact' DVD, the promise of the new Britney CD, a collection of grrl power songs, and a Marilyn Manson concert DVD. WOOHOOO!! Go me. In case you're wondering what the hell Marilyn Manson, Star Trek, Beethoven, and Britney could possibly have in common, Homie Bear's genius is the explanation. In the course of our friendship so far we've been to Shakespeare in Hawrelak Park, a Beethoven symphony, a play about pop music (including a Britney and NSync spoof), a play about a Shakespeare professor, a one-man Star Wars show, a Marilyn Manson 'Golden Age' concert, and we've watched enough Trek to choke a moose. Thus, you see, it's thematic.

Last night we celebrated Halloween (and my birthday, since I've laid claim to everything from October 30 to November 5) by watching the Director's Cut of 'Alien' in the theatre. Um, how many ways can I say KICK ASS? Sigourney Weaver blows my mind. She's a woman in charge. She should have done Trek. She would have made a formidable Tasha Yar... and would never have let some smack-talking oil slick take her out in the first season, either.

Tonight my sister is whipping up a feast for my birthday (I love having a sister - especially one who cooks) and then we're doing the time warp with other Rocky Horror-ites. Such a worthy celebration for a vampire.

G the VN

In a moment reminiscent of 'Freaky Friday', Homie Bear and Gabrielle inexplicably change online places. Homie Bear now finds himself wandering the preternatural twilight of the vampire nomad's opinion-soaked domain while Gabrielle blinks in some consternation up at the towering trees where pooing in the woods occurs. Neither is quite sure what to make of their new environments. How did they come to be in each other's blog? Could all that Star Trek: the Next Generation they'd been watching of late have opened some bizarre online space-time portal? How will they get back home? And, more importantly, what sort of havoc will each wreak in the other's domain along the way?

Happy Hallowe'en! I changed the template a bit to match the day- hopefully I can make it go back tomorrow. And I wrote a bear ghost story below, I hope you like it, and for true bear scariness, you can go back and read NosBEARatu, written by gabrielle. I hope you don't pass out with fright.

Ever wonder what kind of ghost story would frighten a grizzly? Gather around the campfire, my friends, and I will tell you a tale . . .

One day as I was hunting I met an old grey wolf who was guarding a fresh kill. Since he was on my territory I didn't hesitate to assert my rights to the kill, and was about to dispatch the wolf when he asked me to spare him.
"Why should I?" I asked, thinking I might get a good laugh at whatever pathetic excuse he came up with.
"Because I know something which might be of interest to you- I know where there is a horde of gold!"
"Gold?? What do I care about gold?"
"You can use it to buy this entire forest from the humans so that they will never chop it down ever and there won't be any hunting here!"
"Hmm. Alright- where is this gold?"
"It's in a cabin down by the Kisikak River. Do you know it?"
"Yes, I fish near there often. How did gold come to be in that cabin?"
"It's a long story of intrigue, betrayal and murder involving humans."
"Oh. Never mind, then. I couldn't care less what humans do to each other."
"Actually, the murder wasn't committed by humans."
This caught my interest. "Then who?"
"The humans were poachers. Fur traders. They shot beavers, coyotes, wolves, and bears. The story goes that they shot and killed the mightiest grizzly bear this forest has seen in generations. "
"They couldn't have- I'm still alive."
"Well, anyways, the story has it that this bear came back."
"What do you mean, came back?"
"Like, he was a ghost and he came back and took care of the hunters. And now the poachers' gold is there just waiting to be dug up."
"The poachers had gold?
"They were also pirates."
"Uh-huh. And how do you know this?"
"I just do. Take me with you, and if it's not true, you can kill me."
"Alright, let's go see it."
The wolf led me down to Kisikak River and the 'haunted' cabin. The door was broken, open to the elements, and there were animal skulls scattered all over the grounds. I didn't see any ghosts, though. The wolf led me into the cabin, which was dark and dusty, and full of mice poo. Suddenly my paw was caught in a steel-tooth trap! The bastard wolf set me up! I swiped at him with my free paw, but he was out of reach, and laughing at me. Laughing!!
"You may be stronger than me, brother bear, but I am much smarter! There's no gold and the poachers are long gone. I am too, so enjoy yourself- maybe if you go into hibernation now someone can get you out of this trap before you starve. Farewell!" And with a howl, he was gone, leaving me to my fate.
I considered my options- I could chew my paw off, but I would be as good as dead without the ability to hunt even if I did. Hibernation would just expose me to scavengers, and delay the inevitable- I would starve.
And so I did. It took a long time, and it was painful. But when my time finally came to take my place with my ancestors amidst the stars of the Great Bear, I chose another road.
There is a ghost haunting the cabin of Kisikak River- me!

Marilyn Manson and Scottish Kung Fu Dancing!
Really, what more need I say?
Okay, I suppose I can fill in a few details. Tonight I went to my friend Morna's Scottish Country Dancing Hallowe'en party and I dressed as Marilyn, which isn't that much of a stretch, really, but it was fun. The kung fu part is a reference to the time when Morna first invited me to a ceilidh, and I thought she said Scottish KungFu Dancing instead of Country dancing so I immediately said yes. And even after I found out that it really referred to jigs and reels I was still happy to go- it's fun.
Though I am not sure the real Marilyn ever danced a Scottish jig.

Brr it's cold out there! So I spent most of the afternoon outside walking around, in order to become aclimatized to winter. I'm ready now- bring it on!
The majority of my missions, however, were unaccomplished and I am sad about that. I went to get tickets to Rocky Horror Picture Show but the box office wasn't open. I tried to find certain items, but was unable. However, I did find Yann Martel's Life of Pi for quite cheap- 20% off the cover price. My American friends may not have heard of this book, as it was written by a Canadian, but it has won all sorts of prizes and is about a talking tiger, among other things. I haven't read it, obviously since I just bought it (and am still working on Cryptonomicon), but Mr. Martel will be here in Edmonton next week so maybe I will see if I can attend one of the events he will be at.

Ever wonder what a polar bear would dress up as for Hallowe'en?
Maybe a ghost.
He could be a wizard, like Saruman or something, if he put on a long wig.
Or a yeti, but he would have to walk around all day up on his hind legs.
With some dye he could go as a black bear.
Ooh- I know- with a little shimmery makeup applied in the right places he could go as the aurora borealis! That would be cool.

This doesn't count as a real poost, just Blu sent me this link and I wanted to preserve it- I looove this image, from this guy's gallery.
And since this isn't a real poost, I can talk about my hockey poo and bemoan the fact that I got my ass kicked tonight. I was winning until tonight. Now >sigh<, I am tied for first.
And since I haven't talked about Marilyn for over 24 hours, I would just like to say what a kickass song Cake and Sodomy is.

One time at Hallowe'en I was giving out candy- this is fun because I get to see all the little kids who look so cute in their costumes. One trick or treater came to the door and she was wearing a mask, and politely, but silently, waited for me to give her some candy. So I gave her a handful, and I couldn't help but notice the leathery hands that accepted the sweets. Then she waved, and turned around and left. I saw grey hair sticking out of her mask.
I almost called out after her- she fascinated me. What was her story? I like to think she was a badass granny who doesn't give a f*ck about societal conventions, and was out having a blast.
Of course, that's just my favorite theory. Another one I came up with posited that she was the grandma of a very sick little boy who was unable to go trick or treating, so she took it upon herself to go out and get him some treats.
Alternatively, she may have been a poor or even homeless woman who was taking advantage of the occasion to score some free food- aside from candy she was maybe hoping to get some apples as well.

Tammy wrote a bio for me for my ooze articles, and she said I live "in the northern reaches of Western Canada near the Rockies, where it snows most of the year." I laughed at the bit about snow, because I know Tammy doesn't really think that, and yet many Americans seem to think so.
But it snowed today.
It has begun.
And unfortunately I am not a hibernating bear. Well, and plus I actually like winter. It's good for tobogganogganning, skating, and building snowforts. It's just the possibility-of-freezing-to-death part that is a pain. A minor irritation.

In honor of Hallowe'en, Rolling Stone has a feature called Monsters of Rock- Bands That Scared the Crap Out of Us. Of course, there are links to my man Marilyn, and also Slipknot, Rob Zombie and some other ones.
Personally, I was always more scared by this sort of thing. >shudder<

Lately my Room-mate and I have been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes for supper. Well, not for supper, since they provide no real nutritional value, but during supper. Anyways, it's been really fun going back to them- it's been years since I had any real interest in Trek. All the spinoffs and dumb movies (First Contact excepted) and knobby-headed aliens got tiresome after a while. Watching them now, I am surprised at how good they are, and my love for TNG is rekindled.
Wait, let me back up a bit and dissect that sentence. "How good they are." Hmm.
We have watched episodes where the Enterprise gives birth to a rubick's cube that commandeers the holodeck in order to run a train simulation for some reason;
where we discover that Jean-Luc had an ancestor named Javier Picard;
where Worf's future adult son comes back in time (after meeting "someone"- just some guy, apparently- who had the power to control time) and tries to kill his younger self;
where Dr. Beverly Crusher falls in love with a ghost who can reanimate the corpse of her dead grandmother;
where Troi turns into a frog, Worf a spikey alien, Riker a caveman and Data's cat devolves into an iguana.

Hmm. Ok- "good" may not be the best term to use. Incredibly entertaining, though, especially watching them with someone as versed in Trek lore as my room-mate. And the episode we watched last night, called "Lower Decks" was in fact very well-written and engrossing. And "Genesis", the last one in that list, was actually really cool, despite (or because of) its wonky evolutionary science that claims that cats are descended from iguanas.

At long last I saw Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas tonight. I've been wanting to for months now. It has been a hitherto doomed undertaking, seeing this movie. But finally I found a copy to rent. And it was great- totally faithful to the book, which you should read without delay.
"The decision to flee came suddenly. The bill was a factor, I think, because I had no money to pay for it."

Gabrielle has poosted a review of the Prey for Rock and Roll Soundtrack on her blog, and she has also given me permission to poost it here, in order to garner more pooblicity for this excellent movie that we currently are unable to see since there are no major distributors for it. Read, buy and demand that the movie be shown all over the world, my friends.

"Punk rock girl says can't you play a little faster
I only like the music when it goes real fast
Punk rock girl says can't you play a little louder
Just a little louder cuz I like it like that
Punk rock girl says can't you play a little faster
Can't you play a little louder, man can't you do that?
Punk rock girl, she don't wanna hear the slow songs
She don't see the point in crap like that"

Prey for Rock and Roll is the soundtrack to the indie movie of the same name currently storming theatres everywhere except here. Since I am denied the ability to review the movie, I'll review the soundtrack instead. Prey is the story of a struggling girl punk band whose lead singer, Jacki, is in her forties and toying with the idea of abandoning the whole gig since the band has never gotten their big break. The music is circa 80s punk rock with a decidedly 2003 twist. Gina Gershon, who plays Jacki in the film, does all her own vocals here and it's her performance that drives the album. She is backed by punk grrrl lyrics from Cheri Lovedog, Samantha Maloney from Hole, Sara Lee from the B-52s, Gina Volpe from Lunachicks, and Stephen Trask of Hedwig & The Angry Inch fame.

Gina Gershon, an actress by trade but clearly a singer by passion, growls and prowls through the songs. She is more punk than half the 'legitimate' punk acts I've heard these days. In Punk Rock Girl she's teasing, you can practically hear her smirk through the saucy lyrics. In Every 6 Minutes she's angry, she belts out the words to a song about rape statistics and it's personal, she demands that you hear her. In The Ugly she is just plain punk. She takes the songs and infuses them with a tangible grit and wild sort of seduction. This is punk the way we love it. Angry, loud, good, and sexy. Gina has a new career if she wants it.

As a whole the album is a ride. It takes you through the movie's paces but it doesn't lose you. It maintains a driving beat and relentless guitars throughout. This album knows that its heart is rock and roll and it never forgets itself. Neither the songwriting nor the capable lead singer will let you forget it either. If you're smart, you'll get Prey for Rock and Roll so that you're in on the revelation when Gina Gershon becomes a rock goddess in her own right. But you'll love it because it's damn good.

Now if Gina could do a duet with Brody Armstrong from The Distillers, I could probably die happy...

Oh yeah I spoke at Lister Hall at the univeristy today, too, and it went well. I spoke on seeking and finding, and being sought. Sadly, I didn't go in costume, though I had thought about it- but then I thought that might be a little distracting, having oozing eyes and stuff, especially in front of a bunch of total strangers.

"Alert the Barillo cartel that El has come out of hiding."
"I don't think we sh . . ."
"Are you a Mexican . . . or a Mexican't?"
I got to spout off great lines like that all night, as I was Agent Sands from Once Upon a Time in Mexico for the G's Hallowe'en party.
"I can't SEE. I have no eyes."
Being a CIA agent isn't that much of a costume, but being Agent Sands is, as I got to wear the coolest makeup ever- I blacked out my eyes, then put oozey red blood trails coming down, and of course all this was hidden behind some shades.
Let's see if I can show you a picture of what I mean:
Yup, that would be him. Me. He has his own theme music, even.
As do I, and I finally got an mp3 of it last night so I been listening to Hey Hey Hey Homie Bear. If anyone wants a copy I can probably transmit it over Messenger, though it is too big to email. Just let me know.
Everyone else was all dressed up and looking good too- we had Felicity Shagwell, a boy scout, a greaser, a fairy, and even the little babies were dressed up! One was a chicken and one was a spider and they were so cute!
Other than the little cutey-pies, though, I think everyone was in agreement that Maleficent was the best dressed.

I am speaking at Lister Hall tomorrow afternoon, a dorm at the U of A. You might recall I spoke there last semester, too, and it went well. I should be writing my talk, but instead I am dreaming up clever band names, like TBA. That way, on a marquis, you could put, "Tonight's band: TBA"
There's already a band called The Special Guests, which I always thought was pretty clever. How about Cancelled? That would really mess things up with promoters. "What band is playing tonight?"
"Oh, it's Cancelled!"
"Aww, that sucks. Guess I won't come then."

I was hired by my coal mine 6 times in nine years- 5 consecutive summers when I was in university, and then once as a regular back in 2001. Each time I had to go through training, since the rule is, after 6 months of not driving you have to be retrained. This is a totally bogus rule, and the only reason it is in effect is because heavy haulers are the low guys on the totem pole, and no one wanted to be demoted to it after getting on another, better piece of equipment. Thus they had the rule passed so that they could say, "I can't drive truck because my training is not up-to-date."
So, I am waaaaay over-trained as a heavy hauler operator. Lots of times I woud be trained by an operator with less experience than I, and I would give them pointers and advice.
And also there was a written test I had to take each time- a three hour test, with a passing grade being 90%. I always tried to get 100% on it, but never quite managed. There weren't any questions about how to not blow up, but there were a lot of "what to do if . . . " your brakes fail; your tire blows; you flip over; you plummet down a 900 foot drop into the dump, etc. The answer to all of them, pretty much, is pray.

I had a dream last night that involved being in Newfoundland, where my friend Trevor crashed his Datsun (which he doesn't own in real life) into a wall, and also involved me getting a Class 1 licence to be a truck driver. The company I was applying to work at supplied trucks to its drivers, and one of the drivers who was working there already was mad at them so he parked his truck ten blocks away, in a handicapped parking spot, so that the next driver coming on shift would have to walk all that way and pay a hefty parking ticket. He was pretty proud of himself.
The test I had to write was very hard, involving things like knowing when to bleed hydraulic pressure from the lines so that you don't blow up. Which I am pretty sure is not a problem truckers face in real life.

Everybody has their own thing going on. That's pretty astounding, when you think about it. There are 6 billion people, roughly, so that means there are 6 billion different lives and motivations and dreams and you name it. Today as I was walking around, I saw a man furtively hiding behind a pillar, taking pictures of a nondescript building with a point-and-shoot camera, and then slinking away. Or on the train I watched another man warm his hands by spitting on them and rubbing the saliva. At Wendy's I couldn't help wondering what the two elderly gentlemen were discussing- was it current stuff like the Trappers leaving town, or the weather or politics, or was it good-old-days related?
I wonder if anyone ever looks at me and wonders what my story is.

It was a worthy ten year anniverary. I got to hang out with two of my very best friends. Rowan came on MSN just like I hoped, and we got all caught up. Then Jay and I hooked up for stogies, and we talked and reminisced and philosophized. And we didn't even get into any trouble with the law.
Though I came close to getting us into a different sort of trouble when we poked our heads in at La Tienda, saw it was full, and asked for suggestions for cigar-friendly bars, and one guy suggested Overtime.
"Overtime?" I said, "No way, that's where all the cougars and divor . . ." I stopped when I realized the guy talking was about the exact demographic for Overtime, and him and all his friends were obviously quite fond of the place.
But no one beat us up and no one arrested us. Come to think of it, maybe that would have been even more fun . . . nah.

Time flies. Today is another very significant day in Homie Bear's calendar. On or about ten years ago today . . . Jason and Rowan and I had a little adventure. Got into some trouble, you might say. Perhaps I will leave it at that, to protect the privacy of those worthy fellows, one of whom I will be meeting later tonight so that we can celebrate this auspicious day.
The other one is not currently on this continent, though he sent his greetings and will try to log on to MSN today if he can.
Sweet freedom.
And, let me just say, in honor of my partners-in-crime, Fuck the PO-lice!