Mutants!
A problem has been plaguing me for years, ever since I read my first X-Men comic book as a kid. The problem: how to go about obtaining a mutation of my own. The X-Men all had pretty cool powers arise out of their mutations, so like all youngsters of my generation (X, naturally), I concluded that if I could just get my hands on a suitable mutagen I too could gain the ability to transform into living steel, or control the weather, or teleport, or have a healing factor. Heck I'd even take the mutant power of understanding all languages like that one guy had. Poor guy, kind of a bummer power to have in a world of superheroeas and villains, though it would sure be handy in real life. The tricky part, of course, was in obtaining a quantity of radioactive material. Polonium Oxide (PoO) and the like aren't that easy to get a hold of. It's not like you can just go out and buy some at the Radioactive Shack.
But today I am pleased to inform you that a company called Stratagene has apparently developed a serum of some sort that produces mutations! I'm not kidding- I discovered an ad for it in Science magazine today when I was researching something. The ad copy honestly said "Need mutations? GeneMorph. A new way to get unique mutations!" and there was a graphic of all these cool ants with impressive-looking new appendages like massive mandibles and wings and stuff. And that obviously doesn't show the new powers that are invisible, such as the ability to control the force of magnetism, or telepathy, or psychically manifesting an enemy's greatest nightmare. What? Still don't believe me? Check out the GeneMorph website then.
Ummm . . . I think you should try it first, and let me know how it goes.