Oh man, my poor boots. I kept meaning to go by a new pair of hiking boots this winter while it was the offseason, but of course I never got around to it. And now I will have to buy a new pair at non-sale prices and break them in somehow before taking them out on the trail. As much as I hate to do it, I have to retire my old boots, which have served me so well these past 8 seasons. They are Merrells, and Homie Bear heartily endorses them. I bought them for my Geology 298 Field School in 1995, and have seen many miles of service since, notably on the harsh asphalt of the Trans-Canada highway (while hitch-hiking) where they were worn down almost to slippers. Last year on the Chilkoot I noticed that there was a little leak in one of them, and they are no longer waterproof, and thus no longer (sigh) fit for hiking. Yes, I get way too attached to my stuff, but my boots (brown leather but with green highlights of course) and my little green jellybean have something in common- they both bear me to great adventures.

I performed the Yak Song for a group of high school students on the Chilkoot Trail in Alaska. On the first day of the hike, after we arrived at our camp (Canyon City for you hikers), Alex and I went out to tromp through the bush in the rain, and as a result my pants and boots got soaked, so I spent a good portion of the evening in the cooking cabin drying by the stove. It was worth it though because Alex took some great pictures, which you can see here and here. The boiler was a huge old thing that was dragged in by horses in 1898 to power some of the chairlift contraptions they designed to carry things over the Pass.
Some Alaskan teenagers were volunteering on the trail as part of a Scouts type of thing, and they were having a talent show in the cabin. So I cheered them on and they asked me to perform, and the only thing I could think of was the Yak Song. But it went over well.

The Yak Song
I like yaks. Do you like yaks? In Tibet, me and Richard made up a little song about yaks. It went like this:

I went out back to tend my yak
he wasn't there I checked the shack
Then I saw him on the track
I cut him up and had a snack
And that's the end of my yak named Jack
Yum yum yum

I found yak meat to be surprisingly tasty, especially with a side order of naan, sort of an Indian version of a tortilla, and yak milk and yak ice cream were also very yummy. Tibetan Buddhists, with their utmost reverence of all living things, make use of a yak in much the same way some First Nations cultures used a buffalo, not wasting anything. So the wool goes to make clothing, the poo for fertilizer, and of course the meat for eating.
Do you know what a yak/cattle hybrid is called? A kayak. Hee hee I so funny. Just kidding. It's actually called a dzo.

Wow. Vanpoover ties it up with 1.2 seconds left in regulation and wins it in OT. Cool. Now that the Oilers are out, I cheer for Canada's two remaining teams, the Vancouver Canucks and Ottawa Senators. They both won tonight, and both came from behind to do it.
I would love to see an all-Canadian final. I can't even remember the last time that happened.

Bears and wookies are ancient allies, as everyone knows. I think they fought together in the Trandoshan Tiger Wars, so it's good to see that Chewie will be back for Epoosode III. Let me be the first to wish him a Happy Life Day.

The other day a buddy called and asked me if I could help him out with some spring cleaning at a housing complex. Sure, I said, no problem. What will we be doing?
Oh, just some raking.
So yesterday I showed up and we got to work. The housing complex was a whole neighbourhood of high-end condo things in the ritzy part of town, where guys like me venture not. The home of oil magnates and Oilers. Anyways, it was huge.
Ten hours later, so sore that we could hardly move, Doug thanked me for coming. It was his least favorite day of his work year.
"I thought we were just doing some spring cleaning."
"Yeah, well, I couldn't tell you what we were really doing or you wouldn't have come."
Actually, it was certainly very hard work, but I've had worse days. Parts of it were even fun, like when we had to stuff a couple of tons of grass into the back of a truck (not a pickup). We got to jump up and down like a bunny to pack it down. Jumping like a bunny, working like a bear.
At one point, Scott, one of the other guys there, joked that he needed a smoke break. This was funny because he has severe asthma and will never smoke a cigarette in his life.
"Yeah," I said, "I could use a poo break."
More hearty laughing from the guys. I wasn't really joking though.

My good friend Steve is in town for a few days. He's getting married on May 10th. He came over last night to play some pooker, and I confronted him:
"You didn't invite me to your wedding!"
"Yes I did, and you RSVP'ed already."
"What? No I didn't, I would remember something like that."
"Yeah you emailed Cheryl and told her you were coming, you were the first one to RSVP!"
"But I don't even know Cheryl!"
"Don't you remember? I came over and gave you the invitation myself."
"I don't even have an invitation from you, so that's impossible."
Anyways, Steve was eventually able to convince me that I had indeed been invited and had confirmed my attendance- his case seemed pretty airtight when I found the invitation on my somewhat cluttered desk. I guess I sorta remember now. I feel bad for calling Steve all those names now.
But this puts me in a bit of a jam, as I also RSVP'ed to my good friend Coralee's wedding, which is on the same day. I think I can manage both, since they are at slightly offset times, but the receptions will be tricky, one starts at 5 and the other at 6.
I had a room-mate for two years, and we even went to Tibet, and he never invited me to his wedding. Or maybe he did and I just forgot.

Okay, one more story about swimming. I'm being especially poolific right now because tomorrow I will be gone all day helping a friend out, so no poosts tomorrow.
On the Chilkoot Trail last year, I met a true kindred spirit by the name of Clinton. At the summit, we tromped around and explored, and did some bum tobogganing. Then, at Lake Lidemann, we decided we must go swimming. But since Erica and her family were there, and since Erica and her family had not yet become the dear friends they now are, we decided to travel around to the other side to do our business, as it would once again entail swimming in underwear. We didn't want to offend anyone's sensibilities after all.
So we went, and we swam, and we had a fine, manly time. My underwear was some threadbare old boxers which left little (actually nothing) to the imagination. They have since been retired. I was about to dive in for a second dip when along came Alex, Dave, as well as Erica and her family.
It's a tribute to their family that they were not traumatized for all time.

The swimming thing started in high school, with the two trips me and my buddies made to Jasper. We swam in our underwear in Maligne Canyon, and waved to all the tourists. Then on the Skyline hiking trip, we swam in an alpine lake high up in the mountains. I will not tell the whole story of that one, since Rowan reads this blog quite regularly (heeheehee). We also spent an afternoon in Jasper townsite sneaking into hotels to swim in their pools. We even swam in one that wasn't even open yet.
Among other places, I've swum in Russia (just a pool, unfortunately, but getting permission from the freshly-ex Soviets was quite the adventure in itself), and in the Black Sea, and in the Sava River, Lhasa River, Bay of Fundy, Gulf of Mexico and I think the Caribbean Sea- is that where Cancun is? Forgive my uncharacteristic lapse in geography.
In the Queen Charlottes, Cliff and Ron and I were climbing a mountain, and I promised them that I would swim in whatever lake we found at or near the top. But it rained the whole way up, and by the time we got there we were soaked to the bone. Cliff pointed to a little lake and asked me if I was still going to go swimming.
No, I said, that would just be redundant.

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Yellowknife? It was back in the summer of '97, the same year as my hitch-hiking trip and other Cross-Canada adventures. I went with a friend from work, another summer student who was from Nova Scotia, so he wanted to go up to the North West Territories. We took one of our four day weekends and headed on up. It was a fun trip. I swam in the Great Slave Lake. My friend, Pat, declined. Swimming is kind of a thing I do wherever I go. Since it was summer, the sun didn't go down till after midnight. I love that about the North. Of course, the corollory is that in the winter the sun doesn't come up till after noon, and only for a few hours. Anyways, in Yellowknife we had to get some supplies, and we were directed to the Pandatoo mall. "Pandatoo," I thought, "must be an Inuit word. I wonder what it means."
When we got to the mall, there was a sign that said Panda II Mall, and there was a little picture of a panda. I don't know what pandas have to do with Yellowknife, but then I don't know what yellow knives have to with Yellowknife either.
I never found out if there was a Panda 1 mall. Personally, I think it should have been called the Panda Poo mall.

Cardinal River Coals, the mine where I worked, was strangely devoid of cardinals. At least, I never saw one. But it was a refuge for lots of other wildlife, from bighorn sheep to grizzlies. One guy, the story goes, even saw a sasquatch, who threw barrel drums at him in his grader, and so he turned around and hightailed it to the shop, where he quit, never to return again. I guess he had the poo scared right out of him.
The bighorns were pretty cool, though sometimes they could be a pain as the herd would often block the haulroad, and didn't seem too concerned when nearly 500 tons of metal and rock tried to get by. In fact, they seemed to prefer the company of the equipment, and often ewes would go and give birth right near a shovel, where the newborn would be nice and safe from coyotes and other predators. And the rams would get ornery in mating season, and charge pit buses and pickups. They may have charged the haul trucks too, but if so we never noticed. Once, we got to witness an awesome sight- two rams with full horns butting heads directly outside our pit bus. Bone chips hit our windows.
Porcupines and other rodents were common, of course, as were the ravens who often came and perched on our railings, begging food. One time my truck was down (I lost my dynamics) and so I sat out on the deck waiting for the electrician to come. I had a granola bar and I enticed a whiskeyjack to come sit on my hand and eat some granola.
There were wolves, too, though they were very shy and only appeared in the rarest of instances, flitting between the trees like wraiths. I only ever saw two, both at the same time, one white and one black.
One time, Shovel 8 (my Dad's shovel) was down for some major maintenance, and the contractors found a dead cat. No one knew how it got there. Maybe it was hiding from the sasquatch.

Make sure you read La Pinche Esa today, I think she has written her best poost yet. And this is easily my best poost ever.

Reason # One Hundred and Eighty-Poo Why Hockey is the Greatest Sport in the World:
After going into double overtime last night, the Maple Leafs and Flyers are playing game 7 of their series right now. Playoff games are rougher than any football game and they're playing less than 24 hours after going 5 periods. Wow. Plus two other games have gone into multiple OT this series too, double OT in game 3 and triple in game 4. So in a seven game series these two teams have actually played two extra games worth of hockey. Crazy. I'm not even a big fan of either team but it's sure been good hockey. Oh yeah and there are two other game 7's going on tonight too. A hockey cornucopia.
**Update: Looks like Toronto was out of gas after all. Philly, who are a touch younger, took advantage and won 6-1.**
***Update #2: Vancouver just played one of the hittingest games I've seen in a long time, and are rewarded with a trip to Round 2 against . . . the Minnesota Wild!!??!! Crazy, the Wild came back from being down 3 games to 1 and beat the Avs in OT for their first series win, in their first playoff series ever. In fact, both Minnesota and Vancouver were down 3-1 and came back to win their respective series. Add that to the Anaheim sweep of Detroit, and I have to just shake my head, sigh, and wonder why the Oilers couldn't also have found a way to win. The only person I know in Minneapolis (sort of, anyway- Sarah J of Desolation Angels) is not even a hockey fan. She knows not what she is missing.***

I washed my car today- it was pretty dirty plus it had some bird poo on it. I've always enjoyed washing my car, but it gets harder the older my car gets- I have to acknowledge the little bit of rust by the rear fender, and all the paint chips on the hood. I used to say that some day I would paint my little green jellybean with the colors of the General Lee, but I doubt that will ever happen now. Last year I briefly got to enjoy having to get in and out Duke Boys-style, when Cory and I went canoeing and we tied the canoe to the roof of my car, which also tied the doors shut, so we had to get in via the window. I also caught a little air, in fine General Lee fashion, last summer when I was driving perhaps a little too fast on the Alaska highway and hit a very nasty pothole/crater.
Back when I was a coal miner, the trucks we drove were all numbered, starting with unit 5501 and going up to 5534. Units 01 to 26 were 170 or 190 ton trucks, while 30-34 were 260 tons. 01 truck (say zero one) was referred to as the General, 02 the Roach, since it was once infested with bugs. 03 got smashed up when it went over the dump, 05 broke in half one day, 09 flipped over and sadly killed the driver, so it was retired along with 07 and 08. There never was a 13 truck- I guess they thought no one would drive it.
Let's see, my buddy Al was driving Truck 14 when a tire blew and it flipped over on its side. Pretty much every truck in the fleet must have flipped over or caught fire at least once in its career. I never had any major mishaps while driving, but lots of minor little adventures. It's always startling to be driving down a grade when all of a sudden sparks start shooting from your gridbox, which is the heat radiator for the dynamic retarders (a form of brake, your most important one)- this is especially dramatic on nightshift when the sparks light up the sky. My last truck was 31 truck, and I kind of miss her. Yeah, I call it a her. When you spend 12 hours at a time with something, you develop a relationship with it. Strangely, though, my own car is a neuter to me, its only nickname being little green jellybean, which my even-littler friend Rayne gave it when she was about 4.

I can't believe how nice it is right now: 20 degrees! Wow. I am going to go out and read on my pootio. I just pulled out my sandals for the first time this year- they are still caked with the sand of Cancun from when I went to visit my sister in October. She doesn't live anywhere near Cancun but that's where I flew in to, and on my way back my cousins were kind enough to take me to the beach before my plane left. If you've ever been to the beautiful white beaches of Cancun, you may have noticed that the sand is not sand at all, but billions and billions of tiny little shelled organisms, most likely diatoms (if I recall my Paleo and Carbonates classes correctly, which I might not). So now I will go outside and read about Arctic exploration while wearing sandals caked with Cancun sand.

Time for another quote from Pierre Berton's The Arctic Grail, concerning Franklin and the doomed expedition he led in which he and his entire crew of 128 men died:

The most ambitious Arctic expedition yet mounted by the British was to be led by a man who got the job because everybody felt sorry for him.

And here is a link to a site about the Antarctic which fits well with the overall theme of poolar exploration in my readings.

I hope you had a fine Easter, cause I certainly did. It was the nicest day of the year by far, I think it was easily 20 degrees (Celsius), which around here at this time of year = hot. I went to church but they were watching a movie I had already seen so I went out for a liittle walk, and it seemed like everyone else was also out walking, or playing in the parks, or having barbecues. It was nice. The occasional house had Go Crazy! posters and Oilers flags in their windows, looking so forlorn. I then returned to the Gathering to enjoy a very nice set of music by Sanctuary, one of our house bands. Before that, I went over to my Mom's house to see if I could beg some Easter Dinner, but she had just returned from Hinton where my Dad is working, so there was no home-cooked meal to be had today. Instead we went out to a truck stop for supper.

"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, he has risen!"
Luke 24:6

So the Oilers season is over. Darn pooStars. I'm sad, but it's hardly the end of the world. It's Easter today! Spring is here! Lent is over! Happiness abounds!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate them so much!

In the newspaper today there is a little blurb about a guy from Japan who is selling gold-coated poo. It doesn't say the process he uses to achieve this effect, nor does it say if anyone actually buys the stuff. I'm not really sure I want to know, though. Still, gotta admire the work of Poo Pioneers, even those who are perhaps a little misguided.

Here's a picture that I drew from a photo that my buddy Colin took of Jay and I in Jasper National Park when we were in high school. I'll see if I can find the original photo, and scan it and put it up too. The photo is way cooler.

It's hard to scan pencil sketches (doodles really) but I hope you can see it. That's me on the top corner, and Jason in the other one, but they could just as easily be any two guys. That was a pretty fun trip, we hiked the Skyline Trail. We had all gone and seen Universal Soldier (this was back in 1992, remember) before the trip, so we had fun reenacting some of the scenes, including the one where Jean Claude Van Damme is fighting Dolph Lundgren, and one of them throws a grenade at the other. "You're dead, soldier boy!"
"No, I'm alive!"
Excellent dialog. I got a little too into it though, and almost blew up Jason when I threw the little firecracker a little too close to him. Lots of other stories from that trip, too..

My room-mate Mike and I went CD shopping today. In this age of mp3's, I have to admit I buy far fewer CDs than I used to- but I more than make up for it with my DVD purchasing. But I bought the new Linkin Park CD and am listening to it now. Sounds good so far- Nobody's Listening is particularly cool, with a Japanese flute sample. Anyways, while were at the cursed Futureshop (Home of great prices and surly cashiers), Mike considered buying a basketball movie. He hadn't heard of it though, so I helpfully pointed out that Tupac Shakur was in it.
"Yeah, he's dead right now," said Mike.

Little Bunnies Jump
Back in Grade 9, when the pinnacle of desktop publishing was a program for the Apple IIE called Printshop, my computer class was given the assignment of creating a little newspaper . More of a bulletin, really, on one sheet of paper. And I still have it! It is one of my proudest achievements, in fact. I called my paper "Little Bunnies Jump", and I even modifeid the rudimentary clipart to make it look like one of the bunnies on my banner was indeed jumping.
The first and only issue featured stories such as "Chickens Fight for Their Rights", "Poaching Heats Up In Africa", "Harry the Beaver Hailed as Animal of the Month", and "Roy Rhino Wins First in Hurdles". All of the stories were accompanied by more clip art, some of it changed slightly to better reflect the article, as in the Rhino story, where I added a little hurdle beneath Roy. And Harry the Beaver had a little medal added to him. Strangely, there are no stories about bears or poo. My favorite story, because the clipart is so great, is "Mouse Killed by Elephant". The clipart I used was a picture of a smiling elephant with one foot raised up just off the ground, so I added in a little mouse just underneath the foot. The copy reads, "Today was a day of tragedy for people of the mice persuasion as a long and uneasy truce was broken by a member of the elephant species. It seems that an elephant in cold blood stepped on a defenceless mouse as shown here. Mice are now preparing for war and some are being sent as harbingers of war already."
As you can see, my editorial bias seemed to favor the mice, which I am quite happy with in hindsight given my recent affiliation with a mouse.
I got 90% on the assignment, with the only comment being "Weak banner", which quite offended me since my banner featured a little bunny jumping. I wish I had a banner even half as good for this blog! What else was I supposed to put in my banner? So I crossed out the weak and wrote in great, like this: Weak Great banner. I continued this practice of self-affirmation well into university.
As I recall, Jonny Smelter also came up with a great design, though for the life of me I can't remember what it was. I will have to email him and ask him about it.
Anyways, Happy Easter everybody!

I've been talking about bunnies all week, and today's issue of Vue Weekly features a cover story on the little guys. To sum up: there are 1000 rabbits living in Edmonton, and rabbits have made quite an impact on both high and pop culture throughout history.
Certainly an Informative and Incisive Expose on our hoppng friends, but I would add this important fact: like all animals, rabbits possess the ability to poo.

Those crappy pooStars!!!!! GRRRRRRR I hate them so much!!!!!!
So much.
But anyways, it was good to see the Senators advance. And how about the Red Wings? Wow. And then the Shane Corson blow up in Toronto. Good riddance to that guy, he was the only captain in Oiler history to be stripped of his captaincy.
The Oilers will still prevail, don't worry.

From The Arctic Grail, by Pierre Berton:

Thus it came about that the longest peninsula in the Arctic and also its biggest gulf both bear today the name of a popular brand of British Gin.

Updating the Poolinks
It seems like the Cubicle Dweller has been evicted from his cubicle, so until he gets his website back, I have replaced his link on the left with that of a fellow Edmonton blogger who dropped in and left a dropping the other day. I've looked at her blog and it has some pretty funny stuff, and some nice pictures too, many of which are of the U of A campus. Nice to see some local bloggers that I don't know. As far as I can tell, her name is Crazy White Girl with a Keyboard. So greetings, Miss Keyboard.
Also, it turns out that a China blog I read from time to time, Big White Guy, is written by an ex-Edmontonian! I didn't know that. Us Edmontonites are everywhere, I guess. My sister is of course an ex-Edmontonian who now lives in Mexico.
Rinlee, who is from Edmonton's ugly twin sister city of Calgary (OK, to be fair, Calgary is more like the beautiful twin sister who always wears too much makeup), used to have a blog but she no longer seems to update it, or does she? If it turns out she does, I will gladly add a link to her blog too. Hint hint.

Poor little bunny. I saw on the news today that someone shot a rabbit through the neck with an arrow in the west end of Edmonton. It was still alive when city officials captured it, but they put it down.

Picked up Spirited Away on DVD today- except for all the Disney advertisements (which wouldn't be so bad if you weren't forced to sit through them before the menu) it is a great DVD, zero poos out of five. I haven't watched any of the extra features yet, but to be honest I hardly ever get around to watching that stuff anyways. I love Hayao Miyazaki's stuff, the strong female characters, the lack of clearly definable evil, the unusual creatures that populate his stories, not to mention the stunning animation Studio Ghibli consistently puts out. The only thing is, if I were Chihiro I think I would have just stayed at the bathhouse, especially since her parents didn't seem to be all that nice to her. And of course, as with any movie, it could have used a grizzly bear or two to liven things up. Anyways, I won't say much more more about that, so as not to ruin anything for you, just go watch it as soon as you get a chance. And if you haven't seen Princess Mononoke or Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, you should see them too.
Now if only the Oilers had Spirited Away another win tonight. My room-mate Mike went to the game, and he called before the opening face-off- it was soooo loud, but the final score was 3-1 for the pooStars. I hate those pooStars.
Oh yeah I finished The Virgin Suicides too. It was alright. I doubt I'll ever reread it though. I liked the stylistic choice of a first person plural narrator- I don't know if I've ever seen that before. I think I'll rent the movie to see how they treated it, the book was written as a report, and didn't have a conventional plot or storyline. Anybody else out there ever read it? What did you think?
Now I'm reading The Arctic Grail, by Pierre Berton. For those of you who don't know, Pierre Berton is a chronicler of Candian history, and there are none better. He is one of my very favorite writers, having written Klondike, among others. Alex gave me this book, with the inscription "Here's a book to inspire you to make it to Nunavut. One more territory to go." It's a book about the quest for the North West Passage. I'm getting pretty inspired. But Nunavut may have to wait. Or heck, maybe I'll go there tomorrow.

Bunnies!
I just looked outside my picture window and noticed two things- I saw that it was snowing, and then I noticed a little bunny rabbit in the front yard. There are actually quite a few wild rabbits around here (and where there's one there's always more), but it's always nice to see one hanging out in your yard.

Mutants!
A problem has been plaguing me for years, ever since I read my first X-Men comic book as a kid. The problem: how to go about obtaining a mutation of my own. The X-Men all had pretty cool powers arise out of their mutations, so like all youngsters of my generation (X, naturally), I concluded that if I could just get my hands on a suitable mutagen I too could gain the ability to transform into living steel, or control the weather, or teleport, or have a healing factor. Heck I'd even take the mutant power of understanding all languages like that one guy had. Poor guy, kind of a bummer power to have in a world of superheroeas and villains, though it would sure be handy in real life. The tricky part, of course, was in obtaining a quantity of radioactive material. Polonium Oxide (PoO) and the like aren't that easy to get a hold of. It's not like you can just go out and buy some at the Radioactive Shack.
But today I am pleased to inform you that a company called Stratagene has apparently developed a serum of some sort that produces mutations! I'm not kidding- I discovered an ad for it in Science magazine today when I was researching something. The ad copy honestly said "Need mutations? GeneMorph. A new way to get unique mutations!" and there was a graphic of all these cool ants with impressive-looking new appendages like massive mandibles and wings and stuff. And that obviously doesn't show the new powers that are invisible, such as the ability to control the force of magnetism, or telepathy, or psychically manifesting an enemy's greatest nightmare. What? Still don't believe me? Check out the GeneMorph website then.
Ummm . . . I think you should try it first, and let me know how it goes.

Whale Hunting
Although I have had many opportunities, I have never seen a whale in the wild. In captivity at the Vancouver Aquarium, yes, but not out on the ocean where they belong. On both coasts I've gone looking, and even at the Hudson's Bay, though since it was frozen over I wasn't really looking for whales so much as poolar bears.
Once, in Newfoundland, I spent a pleasant day walking on the beach, watching out for whales in the cove while simulataneously keeping an eye out for shark teeth in the sand. As a child I once read that shark teeth often washed up on shore and they could be found by a sharp eye, though they have eluded me so far. After a while I came across a group of fishermen who were preparing their lines with their catch of herring so they could go out and catch cod, so I helped them for a few hours, slicing herring into six sections, getting covered with blood and viscera. The fishermen laughed at the landlubber, and I laughed at their jokes, spoken in a dialect almost indicipherable to me. Later that night I fried a herring fillet on my campfire and revelled in the new memories I had made. But no whales showed themselves that day.
But in a way, I have slept with whales. Coming back from the Queen Charlotte Islands on the ferry, I slept the night out on the deck, using my backpack as a pillow. I could hear the sounds of the whales swimming nearby, their whistles and their squeals sounding ethereal in the starry mist. I tried to see them, but it was too dark, the ocean and the sky blending together into nothingness. They were out there, though, and I was satisfied.

What's the Friday Five thing all about? Seems like every Friday all sorts of different bloggers from all walks of life spontaneously answer the same five questions, usually about things like places you have lived and stuff like that. How come no one asks me the Friday Five? I kinda feel left out. Well, I will make up my own. But since it's technically Saturday right now, I guess it will have to be the Saturday Four.
#1. Is it true that you are a gemius? Yes
#2. Can I get you a beer? Please
#3. Do you know any good latin phrases? Empoorius Poorium In Perpootua
#4. What is the difference between a bear and a whale? Most don't have wings

I don't know if I've ever seen a game quite like that before- the Oilers played short-handed for the last eleven and a half minutes of the game, two men short for much of it. Ugly. I hate it when the refs poo all over a game like that. Dallas was going to win this game no matter what, in all likelihood, but the officiating was so stupid it became comedic. Mike was even worried that they might have to leave Cory Cross in Dallas until he's finished seving his penalties. Oh well, it's just one game. They'll bounce back here at home on Sunday. Nothing like the atmosphere at Skyreach Center during a playoff game. And all the kids on the sidewalks waving Oilers flags, the cars all honking in support.

Here are the lyrics from As the Worm Turns, written by Faith No More, who undoubtedly hold the copyright:

As The Worm Turns

One day you're thinking that maybe you're feeling better
And you're probably an OK person, if you only had a job...
Through the hollow tombs I can see them
Through their mouths I can hear them praying for pain
But it's only a game

Listen, man, I know
That things are really rough
And everybody gets you
And life is really tough
But I know that deep down inside
There's a feeling that rides
All the way to the end

Thursday you sit in your room with the lights turned out
And you don't answer the door
Friday morning looks sunny and bright
Like it's going to be a good day
And it would be if you only had a job . . .

Time is on your side, you're young
Don't waste your time today

For no particular reason at all, here are some CD's that are more than a decade old, but less than 15 years old, that still poo my world. (in other words, music from my glorious high school days of 1989-1992)
#1. Faith No More, The Real Thing. Actually I am listening to Woodpeckers From Mars this very minute which is what prompted this poost. Absolutely brilliant album from start to finish. Might have come out in '88 though. Which is allowed cause who cares.
#2. Uhhh, what else I got loaded in my mp3 player . . .let's see, well none of it's really from the specified time period at all so never mind- just go buy the Real Thing without delay!
#3. In actuality, it was my Dad who bought the Faith No More CD originally, but I managed to "inherit" it from him pretty shortly thereafter. I inherited his copy of Lou Reed's New York in much the same way- also an excellent CD that you may not be familiar with.
#4. Live From Brixton: You Fat B**tards! is a concert video that came out shortly after FNM toured in support of The Real Thing- one of the few concert vidoes I can actually watch over and over. It would be worth your while to somehow (kough kough ka zaa) track down a copy of As The Worm Turns and We Care a Lot, two tracks they perform live in that concert which predate The Real Thing and hence Mike Patton.
#4.5 The studio version of As the Worm Turns with other guy on vocals, is pretty good, too, and also happens to feature some excellent turntabling, surprising since it was recorded in 1987.
#5. I remember reading an interview with one of the guys in the band (Mike Bordin Roddy Bottum, if memory serves, but it was a long, long time ago) and he mentioned watching Care Bears one Saturday morning and hearing their theme song "We Care A Lot" and thinking the Care Bears had ripped them off. But they decided not to sue as they didn't want to go down in history as the band that sued the Care Bears.
#5.5 After downloading and listening to the Care Bears theme song, I conclude that they would not have had a case.
#5.5.5 After hearing the Care Bear Fight Song, I am willing to concede that in fact, they might have had a case.
#6. Their followup CD, Angel Dust, is equally as brilliant, though less accessable at first. Requires multiple listens but is worth it.
#7. I got Angel Dust the day it came out, and it was the CD I listened to on my very last day of high school, a day for which I otherwise retain no clear memory.

Seven out of eight games were won by the visiting team. Wow. That's unheard of. I don't know what happened to Vancouver exactly- they sure pooed their pants against St. Louis tonight. 6-0. Crazy. And how about triple overtime in the Detroit-Anaheim game? Good ole playoffs. Oh well, what's important is that Edmonton won. Oilers pretty much have the playoffs sewn up, looks like. On to other matters.
Excpet there are no other matters. I've been sick for the last few days, and today when I finally felt good enough to go do something I wound up taking on some deathly freelance work instead- a total of 5000 words over six articles on a subject I care nothing about (and, incidentally, knew nothing about) in about seven hours. Yuck. Good experience working under a deadline though. Oh wait- I went to university for six years so I already know all about deadlines.
Tomorrow I'm going outside. To play.
In the Woods ;)

Seven Devil Fix have moved their website, but don't worry I already fixed the link so the transition is superpooper smooth for all of you fans out there- you would have never known if I hadn't just told you, but I mention it so you can go visit their newly updated page that has all sorts of new mp3's. Check out Midnite Clear, which is not only superheavy, but is also a medley containing a Bush song and Jesus Loves Me, my favorite slow song of theirs. Basically the Sunday School song rewritten for adults- beautiful. And Skeleton Army is a heavy little bit of goodness, too. Heck, they're all good! Enjoy!

Oilers Win!
Dallas Poos lose! Yay! Go to Oilers Poondits for the indepth stuff, stay here for the trash talking. Grrr I hate those guys!!!!! Dallas I mean. They're so dirty. Oh yeah and sorry Erica, Sens lost. They'll bounce back, though, not like the Stars who are done.

Just over an hour to go . . .
. . . I can't believe how excited I am. I'm still pretty sick, though, but that's quite alright. Feeling like poo while watching the Oilers in the playoffs is still better than being 100% healthy and them missing the playoffs. So good luck, boys. You might need it. And good luck to the Senators, too- they are a fine team out of the East, I think they will go far, and I know Erica will be cheering them on tonight from Ottawa. Sadly, the two games are on at the same time, so I will be unable to watch them both. Not to complain too loudly though, I know my sister is very very sad that she will be unable to see even a single game this playoff year, as ice hockey is not a very popular sport in Mexico for some reason. But she is doing her best to change all that, as she details in her blog.
And for you non-hockey fans of the world (are there any?), I am currently reading the Virgin Suicides. I haven't seen the movie, but the book is fairly interesting. At first I wasn't too sure, what with the mafia and secret tunnels (I was like, can't anyone write a book without the mafia anymore?) but then I saw it was all about the sisters, and everything else was just a vehicle. Or something like that- I have to finsh reading it before I know for sure.

Homie Bear=Sick
Not much wisdom will be forthcoming from the Woods today, so go peruse some of the links to the left- I know Little Bear recently had some interesting things to say about boogers and snot. Snot is suddenly a subject of more immediacy to me right now than poo.
I'm off to drink some Neo-Citrin.

Party Hard!!! Moderately!
In the pre-game warmup to the Oilers season finale against Calgary the other night, Andrew W.K.'s Party Hard was booming through the sound system, and apparently the Flames got pumped up cause they kicked the Oilers' asses. And the Oilers didn't seem to be in the mood to party very hard at all- but that's OK because they knew that on Wednesday the real party would begin, right? So until then, Homie Bear suggests, in the words of Pink and KoRn, Let's Calmly Get This Party Started!
Oh yeah, and the Oilers handed out their team awards that night too, and Todd Marchant was given the Zane Feldman Trophy for MVP of the Oilers, and Tommy Salo was the co-winner. (Sadly, Zane Feldman, an original owner of the Oilers way back, actually passed away that night -RIP) You might remember a few months ago I implored GM Kevin Lowe to not trade Toddy away, and he obviously read it and changed his mind. As promised, I hereby dub him Sir Lowe, Super Pooper Extraordinaire. Unless I already did- I sorta remember doing it already but I am sick and feverish at the moment so it could just be the Delirium Tremens getting to me.

Regular Season Over, Stanley Season Begins!
I won my hockey poo! The outcome was never really in doubt, as I had 130 points more than the closest person to me, Alex, who I believe now has to become my poodawan, isn't that right? We made some side bets, and Mike (who finished dead last) now owes me supper at Moe's while we watch a playoff game.
And the playoffs start on Wednesday!!! Wow. Oilers will be playing Dallas. Again. But that's fine- it's a good rivalry, and kind of ironic since both teams missed the playoffs last year, after facing each other in the first or second round for five straight years. Dallas won four of those series . . . but that was then. I kind of feel sorry for Dallas- they had a pretty good season, finishing first in the Western Conference and all, but they will Lose Demoralizingly Badly to the Oilers. Remember that time Todd Marchant scored the series winner in Game 7 OT? After being down in the series 3 games to 1? And then the next year they were losing to Colorado by the same margin and came back to win that one too? I can't wait to see what new chapters will be written in the Oilers' Glorious Playoff History this year.
After Dallas we will likely face Detroit, then Vancouver, and finally, Ottawa, before drinking champagne from Lord Stanley's Silver Mug for the first time since 1990. All the other teams might as well just concede now.

Here is the finalized version of the Poo Primer
A is for Apoocalypse, the world come to end
B is for Bear, man's very best friend
C is for Cult Leader- Promoting the Violence
D is for Dropping, no need for your silence
E is for Eating, as in Eat My Poo
F is for Flushing, to clear out the loo
G is for Growl, a great Grizzlie greeting
H is for Hornet-Dog, stinging and eating
I is for Indulgence, to get out of limbo
J is for Jezebel, she is a bimbo
K is for Klaw, yeah, I spell it with K
L is for Legomouse, cause he passed away
M is for Murderous, as in Axe of Morgoth
N is for North Pole, where it's cold like on Hoth
O is for Orc that bears like to eat
P is for Poo which isn't as sweet!
Q is for Quebec, where a bear is an ours
R is for Restraining Order, Here, I have yours!
S is for Sasquatch, they give me a scare
T is for Tibet, super-high in the air
U is for Umm, a handy word for sure
V is for Virtuous, cause I am so pure
W is for Waddell, Homie Bear's clan
X is for Xerxes, a Syrian man
Y is for Yak, ornery and mean
Z is for Zero, number of Yetis I've seen

There, the Poo Primer is finally all done. Now to work on getting it into the preschools as the standard curriculum.
In other news, I'm a little bit sick right now, and I have to preach in a couple hours. I hope my throat can hold out.

Not only does April feature the Day of Fools (and God's joke on us this year is all the extra winter we're having), it is also the month of Poolight Savings Time. So even though my body says it is 2:30 right now, which is already late enough, it is now legally 3:30. So just a pooblic service announcement: move your clocks one hour ahead. It is important that I remember because I am preaching tomorrow at the Gathering, and not only do I have the bad habit of thinking we start at 7 when we start at 6 (PM), but if I forget about the time change I could pootentially be 2 hours late.
Did you know that all of China is on Beijing Standard Time (or whatever it's called)? Kind of sucks for the Tibetans and Uighurs who have to get up at 6AM BST, and it's actually like 3 or 4AM. At least they probably don't have to deal with telemarketers who call at 9:00 their time and it's still 7:00 my time. Grrrrrrr.

Q is for Quebec, where a bear is an ours*
R is for Restraining Order, Here, I have yours!

* Ours being French. Thanks to Erica for the suggestion- I want to give her credit here too in case you don't read the droppings. Which you should. And leave some too, it's free!

More Poo Primer Fun
C is for Cult Leader- Promoting the Violence
D is for Dropping, no need for your silence
E is for Eating, as in Eat My Poo
F is for Flushing, to clear out the loo
G is for Growl, a great Grizzlie greeting
H is for Hornet-Dog, stinging and eating
I is for Indulgence, to get out of limbo
J is for Jezebel, she is a bimbo
K is for Klaw, yeah, I spell it with K
L is for Legomouse, cause he passed away
M is for Murderous, as in Axe of Morgoth
N is for North Pole, where it's cold like on Hoth
O and P I did already, so . . .
Q is for ummm, I think I need help with this one- can you think of anything?

Heehee- Homie Bear would never do that. Go read the rest of this twisted ABC's of death by clicking on the picture. They're funny and morbid, kind of like The Nightmare Before Christmas. I feel bad for Kate. Surprisingly, P is not for poo in this one. I think I should write a Pooing in the Woods alphabet primer. And someone could illustrate it! Yeah! Good idea!
A is for Apoocalypse, the world come to end, B is for Bear, man's very best friend . . . O is for Orc that bears like to eat, P is for Poo which isn't as sweet!

I just got back from playing Lord of the Rings Risk. And I totally won, as I always do, even though I rolled a Phenomenally Anomalic number of 1's and 2's. It's to be expected that I would win though, since the all the other guys were pooheads. However, I do not recommend any of you go out and buy this game- it isn't really that great. It comes with a One Ring but it doesn't even turn you translucent, so it's pretty much useless. And the map doesn't show Gondor or Mordor, which seems kind of strange considering it's a game about the conquest of Middle-Earth. Those two countries strike me as the two most strategically important territories in all of Middle-Earth.
But that reminds me- only 242 days or so till The Return of the King. Here is a link to some alternate casting choices for the movies. The Gollum one is funny, the rest are actually kind of dumb, but it shows how poofect the real cast is. And let me see if I can find the JarJaromir link that was all over the net a couple months ago. Oh look- there it is.
By the way I found a copy of The Silmarillion the other day in a used bookstore for three dollars. My parents have an edition with a big fold-out map, but at least now I have my own copy. It's in the same style as the old LOTR set I have so that made me happy -the Unwin/Magnum versions prevalent in the '70's. (Anyone else have that set? The covers are really drab but I have a sentimental attachment to them.)
My Dad once told me they were going to name me Frodo. Luckily they forebore. Homie Bear is a fine name.

So it's April and even though it snowed and dropped considerably below zero again, spring is here, and only happy things are coming. Just one week away from the best time of year- Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the Oilers are back in it, after taking a little break last year. Excitement is palpable here in Edmonton. They will almost certainly win the Cup this year.
And don't forget the new baseball season is here, much to Blu's disgust, but I like baseball. In fact, I finally got to go to my first MLB game ever two years ago- Coors Field in Denver to watch the Rockies play the Giants. And then last year I got to go to Fabled Yankee Stadium and take in a game there against the Diamondbacks. Maybe this year I will get to go to another one, though I don't foresee being in any major league cities any time soon. It would be cool to get out to Montreal though and watch the Expoos play- after this year they will no longer exist.

The Expoos are the oppoosite of Poo-X's.

I regret to announce that this is the end. I have decided to discontinue Pooing in the Woods. Good-bye.

I can think of soooo many better uses for the word Poo-x. Like, Poo-X, a robot that goes and exterminates poo from sidewalks. Or a type of Immodium. Or a species of aliens from another galaxy. Maybe a supervillain. Or a band. Heck, even a new kind of car- the Subaru Poo-X. But poodles? Such a waste.

Ears=Ringing
Voice hoarse from singing
New lyrics clinging to the music in my head

First I was preaching
Then Guitars were screeching
Making for a beeching night of undead

OK, lameypoo rhyme, but it actually fits. I thought I knew heavy, but tonight at the Gathering Seven Devil FIx played a new song, called Transylv umm Transubsta Umm Transylstans umm it was about vampires anyways. And Communion. Oh yeah it was called The Burden (since not even Mike could remember how to say the original title). Really cool idea- what if a vampire could be freed from its curse by the blood of Christ? And wow was it ever heavy.
I get to speak again next week, too. That'll be good. Come on out if you want. Even if you live in, oh I dunno, Ohio, or Ottawa, or Ostralia.

Disclaimer- if you don't apprecaite Chinese history and culture, just skip these poosts and go read about lavacid and movies and such.
I'm reading Sons of the Yellow Empooror, by Lynn Pan right now. It's a history of the Chinese diaspora. I have in my library a somewhat extensive collection of books on Chinese culture, history, literature and autobiography. Here then is my list of books the student of China should read with no delay. It is by no means exhaustive since it is confined to books I actually have, and have read. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

1. Wild Swans, by Jung Chang. An autobiography of the lives of the author, her mother and grandmother. Three generations of Chinese women, spanning the greater part of the 20th century. Astounding.
2. Red China Blues, and Jan Wong's China, both by Jan Wong. Jan Wong is a writer for Canada's daily newspaper, the Globe and Mail. She was one of the few Westerners permitted to study in China during the Cultural Revolution. She tells of her life as a "stark-raving Maoist" to her time as a foreign correspondent during the Tiananmen incident. Jan Wong's China is a look at today's China. Both are filled with excellent, insightful writing, and fair doses of humour, as well as glimpses into the darker side of life.
3. Chinese Shadows, by Simon Leys. I found this book for two bucks in a used bookstore, and it turned out to be one of the best books on Maoist China. Written in 1974 by a renowned Sinologist he very adeptly exposes the fallacies and absurdities of a regime that, at the time of its writing, was considered admirable and worthy of emulation by the European leftist academia. The phrase, "Apparently-leftist-deviation-which-is-in-fact-rightist-sabotage" is a perfect example of Leys' ability to pinpoint the bizarre mindset Mao fostered in his people.
4. In Exile from the Land of Snows, by John F. Avedon. This book is actually about Tibet, and the Chinese conquest of it. Required reading for anyone interested in the Tibetan cause.
5. Red Flower of China, by Zhai Zhenhua. She grew up during the '60's and '70's, became a Red Guard, and thus has a first-hand account of the human tragedy that was the Great Proletariat Cultural Revolution.
6. Thunder from the East, by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Not strictly about China, but rather a look at present-day Asia, its rise and the fallout from the economic meltdown of 1997.

Strangely, there are virtually no autobiographies by Communist Chinese men, at least that I am aware of. I wonder why that is. And yes, there are books I have that didn't make this list. Not because they were pooey, but the list above is for outstanding books.
The Rambling Rustic recommended this book, Surviving on the Gold Mountain, by Ling Huping which actually sounds like it ties in poofectly with the book 'm reading now, so thank you for that.

My friend Lydia is sending me an anthology of world poetry, which is very kind of her. We are friends because of the great Chinese poet Du Fu. Here is some work from another Chinese poet, from the 8th century, named Li Poo. Oops, Li Po. Sorry.

DRINKING ALONE BY MOONLIGHT

A cup of wine, under the flowering trees;
I drink alone, for no friend is near.
Raising my cup I beckon the bright moon,
For he, with my shadow, will make three men.
The moon, alas, is no drinker of wine;
Listless, my shadow creeps about at my side.
Yet with the moon as friend and the shadow as slave
I must make merry before the Spring is spent.
To the songs I sing the moon flickers her beams;
In the dance I weave my shadow tangles and breaks.
While we were sober, three shared the fun;
Now we are drunk, each goes his way.
May we long share our odd, inanimate feast,
And meet at last on the Cloudy River of the sky.(i)

(i) The Milky Way.

Here is an alternate translation, I'm torn which one I like better, but I think the first one, has a more poetic feel:

Amongst the flowers I
am alone with my pot of wine
drinking by myself; then lifting
my cup I asked the moon
to drink with me, its reflection
and mine in the wine cup, just
the three of us; then I sigh
for the moon cannot drink,
and my shadow goes emptily along
with me never saying a word;
with no other friends here, I can
but use these two for company;
in the time of happiness, I
too must be happy with all
around me; I sit and sing
and it is as if the moon
accompanies me; then if I
dance, it is my shadow that
dances along with me; while
still not drunk, I am glad
to make the moon and my shadow
into friends, but then when
I have drunk too much, we
all part; yet these are
friends I can always count on
these who have no emotion
whatsoever; I hope that one day
we three will meet again,
deep in the Milky Way

In a stunning display of poost-synthesizing, I am going to talk about Star Wars, Dan, lavacid, and ice all at once.
Dan and I shared a mutual obsession for all things Star Wars, being children of the '70's as we were. We both had massive armies of Star Wars figures (now sadly decimated- if anyone has old Star Wars figures they want to give me . . .) that we would combine and fight epic battles, using wooden building blocks, elastic bands and even rolled-up socks. The figures would be in forts made of the blocks, and we would take turns shooting the elastic bands at each other's armies. The socks were meteorites, and our bases unfortunately got hit by a statistically-unlikely number of them. The cool thing about Dan's place is he had a ledge in his room, spanning the stairwell going up into it, and we would set up bridges for the figures to walk across. Of course, crossing this bridge made them sitting ducks for the elastic lasers, and many, many stormtroopers and Gammorean guards perished in the pit of lavacid below attempting to get across.
Such exploits occupied many an afternoon. After Empire came out, we thought it would be cool to add some carbon-freezing chambers to our bases. So we took the figures and put them in their little plastic bubble that they came in, added water, and stuck them in the freezer for a couple of hours. They came out in a state of perfect hibernation. After a while their joints started to get a little loose so we got to be more discerning as to who we turned into icicles. C3PO got frozen an inordinate number of times, especially since, as a droid, all one would have to do is deactivate him. Ah well, it was fun.
Did I ever mention I wish I was still a kid?

I figured I better write it down now so you can all see how smrt I am in two years time when Star Wars Epoosode III comes out. I know what it will be called: Revenge of the Sith. See, there are parallels between the trilogies. Epoosode IV was A New Hope, while Epoosode I was The Phantom Menace. Both hint at things on the horizon, not yet fully realized. The Empire Strikes Back and Attack of the Clones have obvious similarities, and so Epoosode III will be called Revenge of the Sith, to parallel Return of the Jedi, which you younger readers might not know was originally supposed to be called Revenge of the Jedi until Lucas remembered that a Jedi craves not these things. I know many of you were disappointed with the new movies, but have faith. As my friend Ronda put it, Less Nookie, More Wookie. I like Wookies.
Got a better name? Up for a friendly little wager?

The most dangerous substance in the universe: lavacid. A combination of lava and acid that I frequently encountered as a child, and was thus forced to improvise ways of avoiding it. It usually occurred in the vicintity of jungle gyms, disguised as harmless piles of sand, and I often found that jumping from one platform to another, or swinging from one chain to the next were effective methods of preventing a horrible melting death. These endeavours were complicated by my friend Dan, who would often chase me in the hopes of causing me to fall into a pit of lavacid. Of course, I would try to do the same to him. Even the slightest touch would cause instantaneous fleshal evaporation. Those were the good old days, so devoid of worries. Other than the worry of falling into a pit of lavacid and dying. Now, all I have to be careful of is piles of dog poo, which are not as deadly, but can be just as potent.

By the way, if anyone knows the whereabouts of my friend Dan, I sure would like to hear about it. I lost track of him a long time ago. He was my next-door neighbour when I was 5, and one of my best friends for many many years, but the last time I saw him was in 1995. Maybe one day old friends of mine will type "Where is Nathan Waddell" into Google and the results will come back: Pooing in the Woods.

It seems like there hasn't been a lot of good movies coming out lately. Tomorrow there's The Core, which you might think would appeal to my geologic sensibilities, but it just looks so Poo-Awful. Even with Hillary Swank. However, I notice that Spirited Away is being rereleased thanks to its recent Oscar win for best animated movie. Alex and I were going to go see it the first time around but it was here for like two nights and then gone, so we missed it. Hayao Miyazaki's work is always amazing. Princess Mononoke, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, both great movies. Both essentially the same movie, as far as themes and general storyline goes, but great nonetheless. Mononoke is set in a mythic past, and there are gods and demons in it, while Nausicaa is set in an apocalyptic future, and there are giant bug monsters in it, but both have strong female characters, ecological themes and ambiguous distinctions between good guys and bad guys. You should watch them. Nausicaa.net is a good place to go for Studio Ghibli news, if you're interested.
I also watched Grave of the Fireflies a couple of weeks ago too. It's about the aftermath of World War II in Japan. Quite powerful.

It took me a while to track them down, but I found some pictures from the caving trip I was talking about a few days ago, and I scanned them and poosted them here for you to enjoy. These are old pictures, from 1994 actually (time flies), and sadly I am no longer in touch with any of my companions from this trip, except one. It was a good time though.

There is still more snow than naked ground, and it will be a while before we see any green here in Edmonton, but Spring has arrived. You have to be careful at night, though, as the melt water refreezes and makes roads and sidewalks slippery. The resulting ice actually makes some interesting structures- glaciers and lava floes in miniature. Did you know that the bottom layers of glacial ice can be under so much pressure that its crystalline structure actually changes? In other words, it becomes Metamorphic rock. Whenever I'm at the Colombia Icefields or glaciers in Alaska I like to drink the clear, pure melt water. Then I can truthfully say that I've drank lava.
These glaciers are remnants from the last Ice Age, which in Geologic terms just ended. We are in early spring, you might say, and the glaciers and ice caps are receding. The Icefields I mentioned are noticeably smaller than they were when I was a kid, and my Dad says there's a huge difference from when he was young. Sadly.
And since geology and palontology are closely related, here is your paleontological word for the day- coprolite. That means fossilized poo.

It was Sherry's birthday today so a bunch of us went curling to celebrate. Curling is a good game. It originated with the ancient Celts, as I believe, and instead of rocks they used frozen bear poos or something like that. Anyways, now it is the domain of Canadians and Scots mostly. I don't rememeber the exact score, but it was something like a million to none for our team. Later we all went to Sherry's for cake and we got her this game called Settlers of Catan or Satan or whatever- it was okay too, and me and my partner won, because we had the most Poo Points at the end. I always win whatever game I play for some reason.

I finally finished reading Snow Crash. Good book. Only Neal Stephenson could write a book about Sumerian mythology (especially the Tower of Babel), viruses, glossolalia, binary code and people it with skaters, pizza delivery guys, hackers, Aleuts and the Mafia. If you want to know how all these disparate things could possibly relate to each other, read the book. I'm not sure I could explain it properly, but it made sense and was pretty cool. I think I liked the Diamond Age better, but Snow Crash still gets One Poo out of Five. Now I will have to get my hands on a copy of Cryptonomicon.

Legolas died on Saturday. Poor little mousey. I felt pretty bad about it, I got pretty attached to the little guy. I put him in a little box, all wrapped in tissue, and buried him in the yard.

Homie Bear is a gemius, as you have always known. I came in second in our Oscars pool, Gotthammer Mike was first. I pretty much missed the whole thing, which is fine by me cause I don't really care. I'm glad Eminem won for Lose Yourself, though. That's cool. I got the 8Mile DVD a couple days ago and watched it today (again- there are some great battles in the special features that weren't used in the film). Click here to read my review of 8Mile over at the G's website. Umm, that's about all I have to say about the Oscars. When Jonny Smelter wins one, or I do, then I'll have more to say on that subject.
The Gathering was smoking, as always- in fact it was literally smoking for a while as some of the votive candles went a little crazy. Jeff P was back with the Devil Fixers and they played one of their best sets in a while, which is saying a lot. More of a somber, toned down set tonight, because of Lent, which was fine by me, since two sad things happened to me this weekend- one of which I will tell you about later. The other one is just for me. Anyways, they had some upbeat songs near the end too- Tent Meeting, which, as always, good a bood a poo. Go download their song Seed, which they played tonight and is at their website (which can be found to the left or you could just click here). It's killer, and speaks to the current situation in the world. Ummm, I've had a few bottles of Kokanee Labatt's Blue tonight, so my poo skills aren't as there as normal, so have a fine night!
And the Oscar for best salkdjlasj a rasj a poo goes to . . . Homie Bear!

Speaking of caves, there's a decent one not far from where I grew up. The Cadomin Caves, and I have had a number of adventures in there over the years. Cadomin is a small town near Hinton (where I was born) and it's right in the mountains. The entrance to the cave is at the top of a small but steep mountain just outside of town. The first time I ever went in was with my family- we used to camp in that area all the time and ride our dirtbikes and quads- and it's an ideal family outing provided your family is sufficeintly fit and equipped. The top part of the cave system is extensive but wide open and safe, so as long as you have plenty of light, you can't really go wrong. In fact, I slept in the cave once, with the U of A Outdoors Club. It was -30 outside, but the caves stay a steady 10 degrees all year round, so it was nice and comfy inside. Except that the cave floor is a heat sink, and I was very chilly all night. Since that time the caves have been closed in the winter to prevent people from disturbing the bats that live there.
Another time I went in with some friends and we did some actual spelunking, carrying some wire ladders with us to descend into the nether regions of the cave. We went deep, and there were many times when we had to wiggle our way through the tiny apertures like worms. Not fun if you are claustrophobic. We actually had a pretty good time though, we even conducted our own church service in their complete with Communion. But we were in for a long time- 14 hours or something, and coming out I got into a bit of trouble about halfway up the ladders when I almost died. But I didn't, and it was all good.
So if you ever want to go explore the caves, give me a shout, maybe I'll take you. But be warned- it's a no-impact wilderness area, so you gotta cart out your poo.

Is it a poofect night? Yes it is! Seven Devil Fix played a solid show over at the Ark, they even played my theme song (Hey hey hey Homie Bear)! Which I'm sure made NO sense to any of the people there, but that's alright. I am the center of the universe, after all. Oh yeah and then the Oilers won, pretty much sewing up a playoff spot, so it'll be a great April.

Here is an Informative and Thought-Provoking Article on the nature of poo. Thanks to Lydia and Blaine for pointing it out.
And on a completely different note, check out these pictures of selenite crystals recently discovered in a silver and zinc mine in Mexico. Although my geology days are long since behind me, things like this are pretty cool. In fact, here is one of the most fascinating geologically-related links I know of, from the Lechuguilla cave system in New Mexico. It is a unique cave system in that it is derived from sulfuric acid rather than water, thus producing its striking geological features. Don't say Homie Bear never taught you anything.
And, for no other reason than that it is really bizarre, here is Kikkoman. A Flash animation, brought to you by Japan, Purveyors of Fine Oddities.

Legolas the mouse has been trying to jump out of his terrarium for a while- it's kind of cute to watch him make these mighty but futile leaps. But the other day I went into the living room and saw him crawling up on the lip of the terrarium, clinging to it precariously. I guess he finally figured out that if he jumps from the top of his little plasctic house he could actually reach the edge. But he hadn't planned what to do once he got up there, and he looked a little scared, so I rescued him, and then today he did it again, so I decided I better put the lid back on, just in case he falls. Poor little guy. Actually the other day the inevitable finally happened- he pooed on me. I had some unrealistic dreams that I could permanently avoid this fate, but alas, one can not stop the tides of nature. Or the poos of mice, I guess, as the case may be.

I went to a western-themed party tonight at my friend Shelley's, it was fun. She's been promising this for months, and I was hoping she would have it earlier when my friend Cory still lived here cause he's got all the coolest authentic cowboy stuff (Cory if you're reading you should have seen the chaps(?) Shelley and her sister made- beautiful). As it was I just wore my trusty pooncho, which you might rememeber got me onto the Jumbotron at an Eskimos game a few months ago- no such luck tonight, though I'm sure if Shelley had a jumbotron, I would have made it on. And we played pooker all night except it was for fake money. Which usually defeats the purpose but I didn't mind since I didn't really know too many people and this was a good way to meet them. No sense taking all their money and having them be mad at me.
The party fun time continues tomorrow night as Seven Devil Fix plays another show, this time at the Arc, check their website for details and come on out, it'll be great. Can't make it then? Come out to the Gathering on Sunday night they'll be there too.

As I was walking to the university today I saw a woman with a bag of poo. Really- I'm not kidding! She was walking her dog and I guess it must have pooed and she cleaned it up. Most people don't do that so that is impressive, and integral with all the melt water everywhere- things get awful mushy awful quick in spring runoff season, and this year is one of the worst I can remember-we had so much snow and then it just got warm all of a sudden one day. Makes it hard to walk on the sidewalks actually, since they are more akin to lakes than sidewalks right now. Unless you're wearing big fat rubber boots. Which I'm not.

Although maybe I'm too old to be excited about this, but cereal box prizes have gotten waaay better then they were when I was a kid. It used to be "Free Inside (Gratuit a l'interieur)- Little Plastic Ball! Collect all six colors!!" But now they have Disney bobble heads, Star Wars Rubick's cube heads, and even Team Canada Olympic Hockey Gold Medal DVD's. Anyone want to trade for some Donald Duck bobble heads? I'm looking for a Jango Fett/ Clone Trooper rubick's head. Of course, when I make my own cereal, Homie O's, we'll go back to the old school way of doing things- "Free inside- Little Plastic Poo! Comes in brown!"

Maybe Homie Bear should start his own soap opera- it seems like an obvious fit after the well-established connection between soaps and poo. Here is how the Pilot Epoosode would go:

Homie Bear is walking in the woods one day minding his own business. No wait he's actually a doctor in a hospital, saving lives. But then he gets sued by the very patient he was saving, because this patient is actually a criminal mastermind who was trying to fake his own death when Dr. Bear foiled his plans. So now Homie is representing himself in court when the judge reveals himself to be a Hollywood talent scout on the side, so he throws out the case against Homie and becomes his agent, so they move to Hollywood and begin to make movies, but the director of the movie is actually an uindercover cop investigating Homie's alleged involvement in an organized crime syndicate. Homie refuses to squeal on his family and goes to jail where he studies hard to become a SCUBA diver so when he gets out he dives in some ocean somewhere and discovers Atlantis! But his diving partner is more than just the National Geographic writer he made himself out to be and is actually an international jewel thief and knocks Homie unconscious and steals Atlantis. So when Homie comes to he goes to Burma where he studies in a secretive and elite kung fu monastery and swears vengeance against the jewel thief. But the jewel thief's beatiful international supermodel wife steals Atlantis and divorces the thief, and marries Homie Bear and they live happily ever after as the rulers of Atlantis.
Well, until tomorrow's epoosode.

Jonny Smelter's Network Television Debut!
Soap operas are like poo in many ways- they happen every day, they stink, they vary in consistency, but today I watched One Life to Live with pride as one of my best friends ever made a cameo appearance as a bass player. I know, he was supposed to last week, but I watched it and didn't see him at all (though apparently his guitar made it on) so today I cheered when I saw him. I was all alone at my next-door neighbour's house at the time, so the cheer went largely unnoticed, but it's the thought that counts right? Anyways, Jon was only on for less than a minute but it was so cool to see him. He says there will be more appearances to come. Here is today's daily recap from the One Life to Live website:

Bo questions Troy about Sam's murder and realizes the threatening call Todd supposedly left on Sam's answering machine was placed after the time of the murder. Blair confronts Mitch, who warns her to keep silent. Blair is called in for questioning by Bo. Blair maintains that Todd is innocent and eventually accuses Mitch of murder when she tells Bo about Mitch's threatening phone call. After questioning Mitch, Bo decides to speak with Lindsay. Blair tells Troy she is going to go after Mitch herself. After getting a visit from Mitch, Lindsay tells Jen that Todd killed Sam. Jen goes to Bo demanding that Todd be arrested. Lindsay has a nightmare in which Sam puts her on trial for killing him. Lindsay later overreacts when she encounters Nora at The Palace. Joey convinces RJ to listen to Flash and her band for a possible gig at Capricorn. Flash's audition in interrupted by Antonio, who confronts RJ for not informing him about the memorial service for Keri. Jessica later urges Antonio to hold his own memorial for Keri and the baby. RJ goes to Toronto and visits a very-much-alive Keri and baby Stephanie. RJ convinces Keri they are doing the right thing by making Antonio believe she and the baby were killed in the plane crash. Upset after the failed audition, Flash is vulnerable to the advances of a man she meets on the street. Joey arrives at Jen's room at The Palace to comfort her over Sam's death.

Here is what it SHOULD say:
Bo and Troy and Sam and Todd and Blair and Mitch and Lindsey and Jen and Nora and RJ and Antonio and Flash and Keri and Stephanie are all idiots who suck, but then their lives are changed forever when they see the mighty Jonny Smelter pick up his bass and strum those two notes and they all decide to quit killing and backstabbing and arguing and hating each other and live their respective one lives in pursuit of peace and goodwill for all men. And then Jonny gets a call from some famous director and stars in the most best movies ever made. The end.

But seriously, Jon's scene went like this: Some guys are in a bar and a band is playing and the guys are watching appreciatively when this other guy bursts in and grabs one of the guys by the neck and waves his fist threateningly, if somewhat goofily, in the other guy's face while the band looks on.

You know how Neal Stephenson comes up with the most audacious names for his characters (Hiro Protagonist, Lord Alexander Chung Sik Finkle-McGraw, Nell, etc.)? I decided to see if I could come up with any names like that. Just for the poo of it. It'sharder than it sounds, but here goes. How about- Homie Lectronics? That's a good one. Ayatollah Noah Goldman. Harvey CEO. Nathan Newyorkcity. Alexander the Sub-Average. I always thought if I formed a band I would call it the Dumptrucks, and change my name to Danny Dumptruck, like Joey Ramone, Jonny Smelter and many others. Which reminds me that Sid Vicious is a pretty cool stage name. How about you? What can you come up with? Or tell me your favorite names in real life or fiction.
Here's another good one: Joe Anonymous. Then he could release a record, call it "Anonymous" and it would then be eponymous.

I started reading Snow Crash the other day- it's pretty good so far. It's by Neal Stephenson who wrote The Diamond Age which I blogged about a lot a while ago. About a lot a while ago. Clumsy, but catchy. I pooed in Pete Poland's potty. Some alliteration for you. Anyways, back to the literary critique. Well, I can't really critique something I only started, other than to say Neal Stephenson is brilliant (the main character's name is Hiro Protaganist), but I will recommend to you The Golden Compass, which I finished finally. That's the armoured poolar bear book. I can't believe no one thought of writing a book about armoured bears before. So go read it, it's good. As I recall, there was more than just bears in it. In fact, the bears might have been secondary. There are two more books in the series which I will have to pick up someday- undoubtedly the bears will have more of a prominent role in those ones.

Is there some word-limit to blogger poosts now? Because every time I try making a longer entry it just poos everything up- and I can't even get to Blogger's homepage until I restart. Ever since the Google deal. Weird. But I have found that pressing backspace in both windows of the edit page restores what you wrote, but then you have to cut words (which is never a bad idea) to make it a short enough entry for Blogger to accept. Grrrr. Some advice for those of you who like to write long entries- highlight your entry and copy it to your clipboard before you press the publish button, it might save you some aggravation.

Spring has arrived, more or less, but winter is like an athlete who should have retired long ago but refuses to. So even though it has been above zero for a few days now, today it snowed and snowed. Which would be fine if it hadn't also rained and rained earlier. So now there is 4 inches of poosnow (an Ancient Inuit Term for the type of sludgey snow we have right now) everywhere. Makes the roads hazardous. Anyways, last week I went and visited this old fellow who lives near campus. He is always out doing yard work, for the five years that I have lived in this area he has been a fixture, and a cheerful fixture at that, always talking to the passing students, offering them a smile or a laugh, or even, on occasion, a box of chocolates. I always thought he loved his yard work as he got to be outside to talk to his students. But lately he has been complaining about it a bit- he's 91 years old so I don't blame him. He's the oldest person I have ever known. So I went over there last week and he invited me in and we talked for like two hours, he gave me more cookies than I really wanted, and I offered to shovel his walk for him from now on. He was thrilled. So tonight after church I went over there and began shovelling the heavy poosnow. And when it's wet like this it's very heavy. Before long he was out there, happy to see me. He gave me advice on how to propely shovel snow (his methods necessarily bypass any heavy lifting, but I am young and strong so I just scoop and toss) and then said he would get out of my way, he actually even fired himself (twice) and then spent the next hour outside with me helping me out, though I made sure that I did all the hard parts. He has a huge sidewalk and driveway, and he also tries to keep the sides of his house snow free so that it won't melt and seep into his driveway. Anyways, it took a lot longer than I anticipated, but we got it done, for now. It was a good workout. Then he invited me in and made me tea. He told me more stories, like the time he served Prince Phillip in Yellowknife. The Prince is apparently a generous tipper. And he has a little TV that he watches- he told me about the show on Wednesday nights that comes on at 1AM which features scantily clad women frolicking by palm trees. I'm guessing he means an infomercial for a chatline or something. He's 91 and spry, like an imp, and he is a pleasure to hang out with. My new friend.
Go and read Scotty Superhero's article on his own nonagenarian friend, his Gramma, who sadly passed way this week.

After the World Vision thing, I dropped in on my friend Ronda and she spontaneously decided to burn me a CD, which I am listening to right now. She has fine taste in music. This disc is half TOOL songs, since Ronda is about the biggest TOOL fan ever. In fact, we went to the TOOL show last fall together, and it was pretty great. Anyways, this disc has a bunch of unreleased, rare, live or remixed tracks, and not just from TOOL, but also from Rage/Beasties, Mike Patton/Melvins, Skinny Puppy (Skinny Poopy), Filter, Kyuss. And even some Anthrax, covering the Beasties, sort of. And for a CD cover she had some cardboard images from an art company so she cut up this one with a robot head on it- it's poofect for this disc. But we were wondering about some of the alleged TOOL songs- like there's one with Creed, which seems like an odd pairing, and then the track I'm listening to right now- the Mission Impossible theme. When did TOOL do that? Or is it just a fakeout? Anyone know?
Oh yeah- Strange Brew where are you??? Your site has disappeared.

Do you think it's bad to rip a page out of a hymnal? I guess it's probably worth a few years in Poogatory. But my motives were pure. I can rationalize it thusly: 1) No one uses hymnals anymore, and most just gather dust; 2) Even if this particular hymnal is used, the chance that they will sing hymn #304 out of 500 or so is slim and 3) When I type out the lyrics for everyone in the world to enjoy, I am actually giving this ragged old hymn a new chance at life. So here, a la Desolation Angels, is Hymn #304 out of some church's hymnal, title and author unknown.

1. O Jesus, I have promised
to serve Thee to the end;
be Thou for ever near me,
my master and my friend:
I shall not fear the battle
if Thou art by my side,
nor wander from the pathway
if Thou wilt be my guide.

2. O let me feel Thee near me:
the world is ever near;
I see the sights that dazzle,
the tempting sounds I hear;
my foes are ever near me,
around me and within;
but, Jesus, draw Thou nearer
and shield my soul from sin.

3. O let me hear Thee speaking
in accents clear and still,
above the storms of passion,
the murmurs of self-will;
O speak to reassure me,
to hasten or control;
O speak, and make me listen,
Thou guardian of my soul.

There's a fourth verse but I only have three lines of it- I didn't want to press my luck by taking a second page. The hymnal, by the way, was from the church where the World Vidion fundraiser took place. It was alright- some good bands but they each only got 25 minutes so it was a little anticlimactic for most bands, including 7DF. Oh well, it was for a good cause.

Non-Poosical Moosical Memoriez
I mentioned a long lifetime of going to concerts, and you could be excused if you thought it was all hair metal concerts, for I have been to my share of those. However I am a Cultured and Avuncular Music Lover, and so I have also been to a number of great non-heavy concerts deserving of 0-poo ratings. I once got to see the Divine Emmylou Harris at the U of A. I went alone because no one I knew had heard of Miss Harris. Also while on my Cross-Canada Hitch-hiking trip in 1997, my travels happened to coincide with a Maritime tour of Canadian Bands that I loved- I saw Junkhouse in Charlottetown, the Headstones in Fredericton, and Wide Mouth Mason in Halifax. That show was in the campus tavern at Dalhousie University, and not knowing anyone in the entire province of Nova Scotia, I just sat myself down at the nearest table to the stage and introduced myself to the two ladies there. Turns out these ladies were the manager and agent of WMM's opening act, Dayna Manning. They informed me of this fact and I had to confess my ignorance as to who this young lady was. After a while Miss Manning joined us at the table and we enjoyed some witty repartee (for real, actually, I'm not being self-deprecating here). Her manager suggested she give me her autograph, and I told her it would be unnnecessary, and she said that she didn't mind at all. But I told her that small scraps of paper invariably wound up being used by me to start my campfires at night, and she accepted this with grace. Anyways, all that is to say she put on a killer show that night.
And when I was in Serbia (1995) I happened to glance at an open newspaper in our apartment, and using my Cyrillic reading skills, I was able to decipher a newspaper ad that read "bEETOBEN 9 CYM(l)ONIA" or something like that- Beethoven's 9th Symphony, so we went to that (I had a little mini-adventure getting the tickets) and it was amazing- Belgrade's Philharmonic was a little ragged, but good, and the 200 voice choir that performed the Ode to Joy part was a foretaste of the angelic choir in heaven.
I wanted to repeat the experience for my group in China, but despaired of finding an orchestra in the industrial city I was in, but serendipitously, I happened to talk to a laoshi who mentioned that the resident conductor was going back to Canada and would be performing a farewell concert! And we had all just gotten our fancy clothes- chipaos for the ladies and my ultracool handmade-for-me-in-two-days Mandarin suit. We made quite the impression and were treated as guests of honor even though we were just some punks from Canada.

GHOSTS!!!
A couple of weeks ago I was walking to my house with Rick and Alex and I happened to look into a house, and I saw a Spectre! It was an old man, all washed-out grey-glowy. Lesser men would have had the poo scared out of them, but not me. In fact, I told Rick and Alex to nonchalantly turn around so we could all see him. But then he was gone, which proves he was a ghost. But tonight I was walking past the same house and I didn't see any phantasms at all- and even worse, a motion-sensitive light came on as I passed. What kind of ghost haunts a house with a motion-sensitive light?
And speaking of the supernaturally weird, I recently discovered a new band, which isn't weird, but wait. KoRn has been plugging Deadsy for a couple of years now but I always ignored them for some reason, until this week when I happened to finally give them a chance. I like them- '80's new wavey synth stuff crossed with heaviness, kind of like Orgy's cover of Blue Monday, or much of Untouchables for that matter. So at supper I was telling my friends about them and this new girl Hannah happened to have a CD with the exact Deadsy track I was talking about (Key to Gramercy Park) on it! So I think Hannah is a ghost. And guess what? After supper I never saw her again. Eery.
Did you ever go and read my sister's tales of duendes? It is a good read about Mexican Zombie Ghost Children.

Speaking of KoRn offshoots and the like, I also ignored Fieldy's side project (Fieldy's Dreams) when it came out, but this week I took a listen, and though I wouldn't recommend the whole album, the track with Jonathan Davis is kickass, it's called Just For Now, and also Ortiz Anthem and Child Vigilante are decent tracks. More hip-hop than KoRn. Fieldy is an okay rapper, though he is a much better bassist.
And Soulfly is coming back to town! Except it seems a little expensive- $26.50 or something for Red's. They sure put on a good show, with a few classic Sepooltura songs (Roots, Chaos AD) and some Brazillian Tribal stuff which was among the very coolest stuff I've ever seen in a long lifetime of concerts- they all came out with these giant drums playing a cool beat in unison, and then Max had this bow and arrow thing that was an instrument. I saw them in September opening for Slayer. Hmm. I almost think it is worth it to see them again. Max is one of my musical heroes.

One advantage of a robot bear is he wouldn't poo anywhere.
Didn't that kid in Battlestar Galactica have a robot bear? I was really little when that show was on, so I don't remember much but I had quite a few toys from it, including the robot bear. Or was it a dog? Probably a dog, I guess, but a bear would be way cooler. There must have been some robot bears sometime in the history of the world. Or at least pop culture. Anybody know of any? I'm talking COOL robot bears, too, not like that robot teddy bear in A.I. They should be silver with red laser eyes NO- GREEN laser eyes! and claws that can shoot missiles, and titanium teeth, and, umm, little robot mice pilots. And they should be submersible, too, underwater robot bears. Then they could fight sharks. And spiders- I hate spiders.

Remember Tron? I sure do. In fact I even got the DVD last year when it came out- and then some guy who lived upstairs from me in my last house "borrowed" it and I never got it back. I hated it when these guys I didn't know but who shared the same address as me would come down and ask to borrow my DVD's. What was I supposed to say? I WANTED to say, "No, go away now, and eat my poo." But I am too poolite for that. So I grudgingly agreed, and would have to chase after them to get 'em back, and then I moved and the guy who had Tron was in Korea or something and so much for that. Grrrr. Anyways, Tron was a movie from the '80's that featured some pretty-amazing-for-its-time CGI. And now there is a Shockwave game based on the Lightcycles, one of the coolest things about the movie, which was actually pretty bad otherwise. Me and my friends used to play this game in the Wal-Mart at Hinton, among other places, but we lacked actual Lightcycles with color lines tracing our paths. Oh well it was fun, and the only thing funner is this game, which for some reason they call Chicken Run. Now someone needs to make a glowing frisbee game.
And here is another flash animation site- great theme song, but not as good as Homestar Runner- it's mainly just Itchy and Scratchy type stuff (so be warned- cartoon violence). Still, if you got nothing else to do, go to Happy Tree Friends. Also, while we're on the subject, here is the everyday happenings of weebl. Simple but amusing.

New Beasties! New Ramones Films!!
I can't believe it's been five years since Hello Nasty! And (wow) 16 or 17 years since License to Ill. Anyways, looks like we have to wait one more year for a new full-length CD from the Beastie Boys, but they have put a free mp3 called In A World Gone Mad on their website which addresses the Iraq situation. I'm listening to it as I type. It's good so go get it.
In other news, the Tribeca Film Festival in New York (I learned that Tribeca means Triangle Below Cacapoopoo- actually I forget now what the Ca is short for, but it's a neighbourhood in Manhattan) will feature TWO films about the Ramones, End of the Century: The Ramones Story and Hey! Is Dee Dee Home? Find out more about that here. I alerted Jonny Smelter to this development and he informed me it is very difficult to get tickets to the Tribeca Festival, but he will do his best. As for those of us who do not live in the Big Apple, we will likely have to wait till the arthouses pick them up or they go to DVD. But I think it will be worth the wait. In the meantime you can always rent Rock and Roll High School.

I was never one for Role Playing Games when I was younger- I tried them with friends, but it just wasn't as fun as going outside and fighting each other with sticks and throwing "knives". But if they made a RPG with bears, armored bears like in the Golden Compass, I might be tempted to take it up again. Here's how it would go.

Game Master (Gotthammer Mike): Ok, so you guys are approaching a cave when suddenly a horde of angry Hornet-Dogs attacks you.
Homie Bear: I kill them all with my Mighty Claws of Sharpness.
GM: No, Homie, you have to roll the dice and let others try and stuff. Besides, because the Hornet-Dogs have the advantage of surprise, they get to attack first and [rolls dice] they hit you for 13 hitpoints damage. They also hit Blu for 10 points damage.
Blu: Awwww.
Homie Bear: No I dodged at the last minute, and then I ate them.
GM: Sigh. No you didn't eat them, but now you get to counter attack. There's 13 Hornet-Dogs you have to kill. But Tom gets to go first. Tom?
Tom (my room-mate) : I flee in terror.
Blu: But he's our strongest warrior! I run away too.
GM: Four Hornet-Dogs follow you and sting you to death.
Tom: Awww.
Blu: Awww.
Superhero: Well, I use my super powers to hurl two of them over the cliff [rolls] . . .
GM: Too bad for you, they used their Staff of Opposite Effect and you are the one who gets thrown off the cliff. You're dead.
Superhero: Awwww.
Homie Bear: Well, I slash the first 6 Hornet-Dogs with my front paws, and bite 3 in half with my teeth, and then I send Legolas Mouse to kill the other one with his little mouse bow and arrow, and he shoots him so we win.
GM: No! You have to roll the dice and . . . [falls into a coma].
Homie Bear: Haha I used my Poo Power and take over the game! Homie Bear becomes Empooror of Middle-Earth and conquers the Universe!