Calgary is a fine city, but coming home today I realized (anew) how much I love Edmonton. It's my home. Had a good weekend though, the wedding was very Matrimonial and all, saw some old friends, and, umm, I guess that was about it. I'm proud to say I didn't get lost once.
After I got home I had an hour to get ready to speak at Lister Hall, a residence at the U of A. They had a church service in the Ship, which is the bar in Lister, and I was the pastor, so to speak. That went well- I like speaking/preaching, and some would even say I am good at it. I used as my theme or template or whatever, a quote I read on someone's blog once (if I can find the URL I'll link to it- and here it is): "You speak of resurrection, you tell your own stories, you wear your own scars." So I basically talked about two aspects of the Christian walk- the good (stories, John 10:10) and the bad (scars, Matthew 11:28, 29). So I delved into darkness a bit, but I lightened the mood by telling a story about pee (uhh, ask me about it in person) and I even put in a plug for Pooing in the Woods. Well, not really, but I had to explain what blogs were so I could use the quote and attribute it properly. Anyways, kind of a busy weekend, and sadly I missed a Gathering service for the first time in ages, but now I will go and relax some.

Holy poo it's cold out! -28 when I first checked this morning, with a low of -37 tonight! Looks like the Arctic has slipped some tendrils a little ways south. I half expect to see some poolar bears outside my window. Not that I'm complaining, because there is something almost mystical for me in the cold and snow, but it is March already . . .maybe Calgary will be warmer- it usually is but I heard the regions south of there were supposed to get 50 cms of snow last night so we'll see. Might not be the best weekend for travelling but what can you do? Speaking of trips south, here is a poem (not a pooem, sadly) I wrote for Jonny Smelter back when he lived in Calgary. I call it

Highway 2

Edmonton's here and Calgary is there
To travel between them few would dare
The road is treacherous when it snows
And even in the summer it's full of foes
It's not so much those hideous Orcs
As all those evil Flames-loving dorks
Then there are those meteor craters
Potholes brimming with alligators
And don't forget that greatest fear
That lurks on the road as you pass Red Deer
Like sirens of old is the Donut Mill
Calling you to stop and eat your fill
But when you do you must beware
For that is the site of a dragon's lair
This dragon has no flames or scales
Rather she relies on day-old stales
All of these hazards are scary indeed
But they do not mean that you can speed
Cause if you do you face another danger
A ticket handed out by a policecar ranger
A great hero it would take to make this trip
Unless you had an armourplated helium ship
But Jon is mighty and knows no fear
So why don't you come and visit me here?

So I'm off to Cowpootown tomorrow. Cowpootown being another name for Cowtown, being another name for Calgary, being another name for . . . ahh forget it. As an Edmontonian it is my solemn duty to insult Calgary at every oppoortunity, but the fact is I kind of like going there. To visit only, mind you. A very important person in my life is getting married on Saturday, so I am braving the cold, the wind, the ice and the snow to be there for her. Actually, Morna will be the one facing the elements, since she has Kindly and Valiantly Offered to give me a ride. My own car, as trustworthy as it has proven over the years, may not be up to the challenge this time.
Many years ago, when I was a Young and Naive Lad of 13, from the small town of Hinton, I decided to go to Calgary for Spring Break and stay with my aunt and uncle. It was great, my first real expereince in a "Big City" on my own, more or less. I went to Canada Olympic Park, which Rinlee informs me was once called Paskapoo Park. But my real desire was to go downtown and see Skyscrapers! I grew up in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains, and my big desire in life was to see some tall buildings. Anyways, I informed my aunt of my plan, and she told me I better study a transit map to figure out how to get there and back. This seemed like a waste of time to me since I knew that all buses eventually went to all stops in the city, as that was how transit worked. I would just hop on the first bus I saw, get off at the Calgary Tower, and when I was ready, catch whatevr bus was handy and go home. The first part of my plan worked beautifully, as my first bus driver happened to ask me where I was headed, and put me on a different bus (I figured he was going on his coffee break and put me on his buddy's bus) that took me right downtown. Sadly, I learned a painful lesson that night as I took a random bus and got very thoroughly lost and had to call my aunt to come rescue me. That started a Long and Venerable Tradition of me getting lost in Calgary. But luckily I always end up at Market Mall for some reason and can find my way from there.

Gold, Diamonds, Metal and Coal
Remember a while back when I said I bought a book cause it had a poolar bear on the cover? Turns out it also has a mouse on the cover too, so it is doubly good. Anyways, I started reading it the other day and I am enjoying it. Apparently there are some Mean Armoured Bears (panserbjorn) in it, though I haven't ran into any of those yet, but I bet they're pretty cool. I hope they win. It's called The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman. Anybody hear of it before? I haven't read a lot of fiction in the last few years, concentrating as I have on travel, history and biography, so I am out of touch on what's out there, especially in the fantasy genre. I haven't even read a Harry Pootter book yet! Though I have a deal with Erica that I will. I'm not a slow reader, at least I thought I wasn't, but I leant my room-mate Andrew The Diamond Age yesterday and he's done already! I couldn't believe it. I still haven't even finished the Asterix book I started last week.
Andrew and I discussed The Diamond Age while I was playing Twisted Metal Black. I thought cause he read it so fast he must have missed all the deeper stuff about subversiveness and intelligence. Nope. He is a pretty smart guy. But I am even smarter because I can discuss great works of literature while simultaneously blowing up cars and trucks. There's one guy in TMB who is sort of a Messianic Cult Leader himself- his special weapon is he shoots his followers at you, and they land on your car and tell you to repent, and then blow up from the dynamite they are strapped to. It's kind of a dark game. Twisted, I guess you could say.
Back when I was working at the coal mine, I had the oppoortunity to see my share of twisted metal out there, though we unfortunately do not run around shooting missiles at each other. But from time to time a truck (a big big truck- 170 and 260 ton models) or a dozer would suffer some mishap, maybe catch on fire or lose a tire and crash. One guy was particularly bad for causing the equipment to catch fire- he burned down my Dad's very favorite piece of machinery to run- 16 Backhoe. One time I heard him on the radio calling dispatch- "63 Cat to dispatch." No repsonse. "63 Cat to dispatch!" Still nothing. "63 Cat here, dis stupid ting is on fire!" He was just letting them know before he went and calmly put it out.
Anyways, I better not get started so that'll do for now.

And life goes on. No Apoocalypse yesterday. Maybe next year. Anyways, tomorrow is the beginning of Lent. The advent of Lent you might say. But not Advent. That was in December, if I remember. The Gathering as a church follows a litrugical calendar, so we observe Lent corporately, meaning we will not celebrate Communion until Easter. As far as individually observing Lent goes, it's completely up to us. And I haven't decided if I will or not this year. One year I gave up alcohol, another year the Simpsons, but this year I don't know- maybe I should give up blogging?
I like Blu's thoughts on Lent (March 3). I think maybe this year I should add a more better focus on prayer, or reading the Scriptures, or looking for God in other people or something (This is Nathan talking, not the Messianic Cult Leader Who Promotes Violence, by the way). Well, I'll give it some thought, and I'll let you know. Maybe.

The Apoocalypse- A Socratic Dialog 

Walking along the shores of Lake Paskapoo, an earnest young acolyte approaches the great Messianic Cult Leader Who Promotes Violence. They walk together for a time in silence, reflecting on the scenery and the fact that it was -15 degrees out. Luckily they were wearing their winter robes. "What are you thinking about, Master?" asked the acolyte after a time. "I am thinking I should not have had so much chili for supper last night. But tell me, Novice, what lessons can be learned from the ice and cold?" "Umm, the ice and cold reflect the state of mankinds' hearts, how they are closed off to the things of the Spiritual Realm." "Very good. Also, it teaches us the value of Winter Tires, or at least a good set of All Season Radials." "Which in turn reminds us of the great Wheel of Life, right?" "Well, sure. But something troubles you, my student." And indeed, the acolyte looked very downtrodden in spirit. "Master," said the acolyte, "today is the third day of the third month of the third year of the third millenium." "So it is, young Poodawan. What does this mean to you?" "Well, master, according to your teachings, today is the day of the Apoocalypse, when the Sun will turn brown like poo, and showers of poolike gelatin will rain down on the heathen masses, followed by the approach of the Four Horsemen of the Apoocalypse: Constipation, Diarhhea, Flatulence and Death." "It is? I said that?" "Yes master, you have prophecied this since last month. You told us it is an Ancient and Irrevocable Doom, and you instructed us to stock up on food and weapons." "Oh. Well . . . has there been any mention of this on the news?" "No master, thus far it has been a normal day- perhaps a few more fender benders than normal in traffic this morning, but no Horsemen of the Apooclaypse anywhere." "So what can you learn from this?" "Master, it troubles me to say this, but it seems like today is not the Apoocalypse at all, and I beg your forgiveness, but I am glad that it isn't, for I was scared. But doesn't this make you (forgive me) a false prophet?" The Messianic Cult Leader Who Promotes Violence chuckled for a second, and then said, "Let me enlighten you, my disciple. Although it is indeed the third day of the third month of the third year of the third millenium, umm, it is not yet the third age and so we are safe for another two ages of time. Now go, and get me some donuts."

I think my beloved Honda Civic needs some TLC. As you know, earlier in the year I had that flat tire, and after I got that fixed my muffler started to go. This was irksome to me since I had just gotten a new muffler two years ago. And then last year driving to the mine I ran over a rock that pierced a hole in the pipe so I had to get THAT replaced too. And now today I noticed the muffler is actually hanging down, seperated from the pipe. Rrrrggghhhh. Luckily Morna was there so I was able to contain my language. I didn't even say poo. On top of all that, which doesn't really affect driving, my car has had troubles starting for me the last couple weeks. It always starts, but it sure doesn't want to, and it's not even that cold. Today I thought it wasn't going to, but it Valiantly Made the Effort and came through. Me and that car have had some good adventures, so I am not giving up on it just yet. But it might soon be time to get a new one. Here is a love song for my car.

Little Green Jellybean
Fastest ever seen
Don't you know what you mean
To me?

You once were rear-ended
Your bumper got bended
I never got it mended
For free

Recall all the deer
That had come so near
If you didn't veer
In BC

Cops said we speeded
And said we repeated
But we never heeded
Did we?

And now you are breaking
Your starter is aching
Your muffler is shaking
I see

But you are my car
You've brought me so far
I think you're a star
Hee hee

I was hard at work today, scanning and altering. Look at me go! I scanned the bear drawings I made many years ago now, as well as some photos of an Arctic Fox I hung out with one day up in Churchill. Check 'em out over at the photos link which is always over on the left, too. The fox pictures I adjusted the color of, made 'em more blue, cause in real life they are quite greyish, since it was getting dark when I took them. In Chinese poolar bears are called bei ji xiong, North Pole bear. And here is a poolar bear I drew that I like.
And a little cub.

So Legolas the mouse is still doing fine. I'm getting pretty attached to the little guy, actually. Every now and then he'll stand up on his hind legs and try to jump out of his terrarium, but he can't jump very high, so it's kind of funny. I take him out and play with him lots too, and he still hasn't pooed on me. I think he likes me too. Anyways, I was getting a little concerned for him- I couldn't really remember how much Lauren said I had to feed him. So I pulled out the pamphlet she gave me from the pet store, and found this Interesting and Informative Treatise on the history of mice:

Mice originated in Australia and the Old World before being introduced to the rest of the countries by humans. Many of these introductions were not intentional, as the mice were stowaways on ships. The Cretans and Greeks worshipped mice, and built temples for them.

And that's it. I love the geopolitical implications- there's Australia and some Nebulous Bloc known as the Old World (which includes, apparently, Crete and Greece), and then there's the rest of the countries. I think whoever wrote that just made it up completely out of their head. And I think I can do better, while clearing up some of the misinformation contained in the pamphlet:

The Historical Origin of the Mouse
Mice weren't always as we know them, in the sense that they were once a sort of Peruvian duck. But the ancient Incas domesticated these ducks and eventually they bred them into the form we are familiar with today. But for some unknown reason, this new breed of mice was forced to migrate to Antarctica before the Inca Civilization even came to exist, and so no one knew about them even after they were no longer ducks, except the Cretes and the Greeks, who worshipped them. However, the South Pole proved to be too hostile to support the mice popluation, and anyways the mice felt bad about pooing all over the pristine whiteness of the South Polar Ice Cap, and thus they once again moved to Australia, and also the Old World. But not the rest of the countries, until the natural scientific proclivities of the mice caused them to sneak Exploratory Parties onto the ships of unsuspecting humans, such as the Chinese Pirate Warlord, Captain Antarctica. And thus mice (as well as a number of penguins who unfortunately all died of scurvy) spread across the face of the earth, and learned to like cheese.

Trev and I went and saw the IMAX movie about Shackleton's Antarctic Adventure. Pretty inspiring. All about endurance against incredible obstacles. And as with most IMAX movies, the cinematography was one of the stars of the show. We went to the 3:00 matinee, since it was the only show today for some reason, and the theatre was filled up mostly with seniors- a group outing I guess, or Seniors Day. Afterwards, as Trev and I discussed the movie and the various lessons one could learn, he said something that made me think a bit. He said that the seniors in the audience probably have had a lot of experiences in their lives that enabled them to learn endurance. Maybe not from being stranded in the Antarctic for 21 months, but the type of stuff that life is made of- brokenness, loss, even war, in some cases. Us young guys (well, Trevor isn't THAT young :) have our stuff we've gone through too, for sure, but maybe this is just a good reminder to look to the older generations- the grizzled grizzlies- for their wisdom and example. So, if you're lucky enough to have a senior in your life, call them up and take them to the movies. And then listen to what they have to say afterwards.
Oh yeah and the movie itself gets Two Poos out of Five. I'd give it less but it really zoomed through the story, a minor complaint.

Urgent P.O.O. request (Please OHelp OMe) to all my friends out there in the Woods. Can someone please tape One Life To Live on abc on Thursady at 2:00? My friend Jonny Smelter makes his Network Television Debut on that day, as a bass playing extra. It is the first step in what will be a Planet Conquering Career, so I want to see it. But I don't have cable and anyways I will not be home. Email me or tell me in the comments that you can. Thanks. And since the pooey comment thing isn't working AGAIN I guess you'll have to email me. Or phone me, or tell me in person, that is always an option too.

Hey Hey Hey Homie Bear
So I heard the Grammies were on last night or something. Well, no offense to any of you out there who may have won one, but the Grammies=poo. What really matters are the Homies, and I have one to hand out today. But first, a story.
Last week I went and saw Daredevil with the members of 7DF, like I mentioned earlier. Afterwards they were talking about the upcoming Gathering service, and how excited they were for it, since they woud be bringing the noiz (in the parlance of our times). Dino was like, "You're gonna be there, right? We got a special band surprise, you're gonna love it." And I told him that I'm ALWAYS there, but they needed even more reassurance, so I started to Suspect That Something Was Up. I started thinking that maybe they would play a KoRn song, maybe Mike would even learn the bagpipes this week so they could play Shoots and Ladders or Dead. But this theory didn't really hold water, for although they have been known to cover some pretty great tunes, KoRn's songs don't particularly lend themselves to a church worship service.
Last night finally arrived, and as always, I almost forgot to show up on time (one of these days it will sink in that we start at 6 now- it's only been three months already). The boys started with one of my favorites- Light Us Up. The first lyric could almost be my motto- "Wanna be a saint, living like a whore, just a bag of bones on this desert floor". And they played many more Tunes of Excellent and Enduring Quality, notably Wild Cherry Napalm which saw Dino give us his best impression of Flea, and I have to say, Flea himself would have been impressed. Heck, I even found myself not minding Shrove Tuesday, now that I can get past my dislike for the word shrove.
But the Surprise- wow what a surprise. They wrote a song for me!!!!! And by me I mean Homie Bear!!!!! Pooing in the Woods now has a theme song, and a mighty fine song it was, too, with In-Depth and Mythical Lyrics, to quote Mike's Factual Description, and the rollicking, frolicking music backed up by a Thundering Drum Beat courtesy of Blu. They wanted to encourage me, and that they did. Plus they made me laugh, which I always appreciate. Wow. My own theme song. So cool. I'll poost the lyrics later when I get them. But thanks, guys, you made my day. No my year.
So, the Homie Award for Best Song Ever goes to . . . Seven Devil Fix for Hey Hey Hey Homie Bear!!

Attention all Super Poopers!
Super Pooper Extraordinaire Cal has sent me a link that you all need to see. I sent it to some of you Super Poopers First Class for Services Rendered in the past, but many of them came back to me so I thought I would poost it here for everyone's enjoyment: Splash Splash Baby.

I'm in!
As you have always known, Homie Bear is a gemius. I was having all these pooblems getting signed into Oilers Poondits, but I figured out what was going on (hotlinks from inside a hotmail message=full of poo) and now I'm all set up, and I even poosted my first Fearless Prediction for the outcome of tonight's game. So go check it out, and admire my Many Layers of Intellect.
Keeping in mind that Intellect doesn't necessarily=Psychic Poowers.

Further Proof That Bagpipes=Best
As if you needed to be convinced. But just listen to these three songs: Shoots and Ladders, My Gift to You, and Dead, all by KoRn. The 'Pipes just magnify the Heaviness Factor by a Billion. A few years ago I went to a KoRn Koncert and I'll never forget the encore, when Jonathan Davis came out dressed up in full kilt with his bagpipes, standing atop a hydraulic platform, pooforming Shoots and Ladders. Delightful, old chum.

Two things I love- Star Wars (yes, even the new epoosodes) and Samurai Jack. Well, now they are Together at Last! Sort of. Samurai Jack creator Genndy Tartakovsky is pooducing a number of three-minute cartoon shorts for the Cartoon Network, based on the Clone Wars. Cool, eh? Maybe Lucas will let the Brilliant Tartapoo write, direct and animate Epoosode III. That would be cool. Anyways, find out more here. Never seen Samurai Jack? You are to be pitied.

Scottish Kung Fu Dancing
A couple years ago, at the Mighty Grant Mac, I was talking to Morna when she informed me she enjoyed Scottish Kung Fu Dancing. That sounded pretty fun to me, so I wanted to know more. Turns out I misheard her, she said Scottish Country Dancing, but I discovered it is still a lot of fun. Can you spell Ceilidh? Yeah, I can't either, but it's pronounced Kaley and it means Scottish HoeDown. I went to my first one a couple of years ago after that encounter with Morna, and I went to another one tonight! Morna had invited a bunch of us a while ago, and I eagerly marked my calendar. And then she got to go off on an Exciting and Epic Adventure to California, and I was saddened that I would miss the Ceilidh. But no! Undaunted, the Just-Now-Engaged Alex and Michelle suggested we go anyways, and we Bravely Resolved to do so, with Happy Fun Results! For one thing, it's held at the number one Fanciest Pantsiest Place in Town, the Hotel MacDonald (where you have to be really poolite at all times). And not only is there lots of Scottish Kung Fu Dancing, there is also an amazing Pipes and Drum band who seriously are amazing. Yes, two amazings in one sentence, that's how good they are. Bagpipes=Best.
And then we went over to Michelle and Melissa's house for a little chocolate fondu (FunPoo, as Alex Rightfully Renamed it). Alex left a little present for the next person who uses the pootty there. Hee hee.

Look at me being all poolific. That means I write a lot. Four poosts today (though one was suppoosed to be for Oilers Poondits but anyways) PLUS I actually wrote something semi-serious, in my other guise as Tror Orcboot, this name came courtesy of Scotty by way of the LOTR random name generator. I have more personae than Marshall Mathers, man. Anyways, the Orcboot piece is over at my church's website, check it out if you want, the actual article is here. I used to write for that Excellently CSS-Scripted-by-Ninjas Site more often, but I've found myself neglecting that for this here pooblog. They've been doing a lot of rebuilding and stuff, so much of the content is still offline, but it is a fine site. Want to contribute? Can you write? Send my friend Scotty Superhero an email. He can be reached through the website you'll be at as soon as you're done reading this, right? You can comment on the article here if you like, and also the point of this particular series of articles is that people can comment on them and they will then be grafted into the article, sort of like a commenting system too. So do that too if you want.

Frustration
I tried getting set up at Oilers Poondits again this morning, but once again I was Foiled! I'm not sure what the cause of the trouble is, so I am now waiting on Blogger Support to answer my query. And I have so much Oilers wisdom to impart, too! Like tonight, they'll be playing the Red Wings, always a good time. The Oil have had some success against the Defending Champs this season, going 2-0-1 so far. Both Detroit and Edmonton have been slipping in the standings as of late, so it should be a great game settled by the team who wants it most.
Former Oilers Goalie Curtis Joseph now plays for the Wings, but I remember a game from several years ago when Cujo stopped something like 51 shots against Detroit for the first 0-0 tie in Oilers history. With Cujo's and Salo's GAA roughly equal, a modest 2.65 vs 2.62 respectively, tonight's match will likely not be the same type of goaltending duel as that, but it will be a good fast-paced game that Edmonton HAS to win. My prediction: Oilers 8, Detroit Poo.

I went and picked up Erica from the airport today! She is in town for a few days, and it was great to see her. Alex and I met her and her family while hiking the Chilkoot earlier this year. She got me a really great present- Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods"! It's about the Appalachian Trail, and it even has a bear on the cover. If you have never read Bryson, you're missing out. Him and Tim Cahill are my two favorite writers, they specialize in travel writing which I know is kind of a niche genre but it is my favorite at this point in my life.
Anyways, as I was driving Erica to her place, we passed into the River Valley heading up towards downtown, all shrouded in the snow fog going on right now. Erica remarked how much she missed the skyline here, and how beautiful it is. Well, I complimented her on her Excellent Taste in Cities, and returned the praise by saying that Ottawa is very nice too, what with the House of Commons and all. Then I went into Geology Man mode and explained to her how the stonework at the Parliament is made up largely of a certain type of sandstone, which is derived locally (For you locals, check out St. Joe's and the Tory building on campus for more of this formation- it has many fossils in it- mostly marine invertebrates but maybe some tyrannosaurus rexes if you look closely) This formation is known as the Paskapoo! So of course I had to write about it, I mean how often can I use my Geology degree in the service of the Mighty Nation of Pooing in the Woods? Plus it's fun to say. Paskapoo. Heehee.

I've added a few new links lately- first of all, let me highlight my sister's blog , who has many interesting stories to tell about living in Mexico. She doesn't say poo ever, but don't hold it against her- she is the reigning Pooet Laureate on these pages after all. Then I came across a rather interesting Bloggal phenomenon- it seems I am not the only Bear Blogger out there ("he was our only hope." "No, there is another."). Little Bear is not only an excellent writer, she has also recently poosted about poop! Is that crazy or what! We must be related. So go check out her blog. And some exciting news- I get to be an Oilers Pundit! Yay! I have been added to the Elite and Sagacious Poondits, but I can't poost just yet because I screwed up the invite to join. But check out another side of my persona in the next few days.
And I tried to make each entry linkable, which I did, but unfortunately, like with commenting systems, it doesn't seem to be retroactive, so I wouldn't be able to link to the poost about The Murderous Axe of Morgoth, for example. Or all the great pooems we wrote. But from now on I will be able to.

Creative Geniuses
A long time ago, me and Jonny Smelter used to team up for group assignments in our grade 5 and 6 classes. We always had to do presentations on various topics, and our first one was at the end of grade 5, and the assignment was do a book report. So Jon and I decided we would do ours on The Sword of Shannara, but instead of doing a dry, pooey old report, we decided to do it in style- an interview with the wizard Allanon. So we made up a character named Flat Paycheck (sort of a joke on Pat Sajak- we were 11 ok!) who would interview our guest. The grande finale was when Allanon got fed up with Mr. Paycheck's annoying questions and decided to blast him with some of his Blue Fire that he does. Me and Jon spent hours designing the special effects for that- basically a piece of cardboard cut and colored to look like blue fire, attached to an elastic band. It was cool.
In grade 6 we had the same teacher, so we got to continue the Flat Paycheck show all year long. Our first show was a puppet show, and Flat got to interview the entire Pantheon of Greek Gods and monsters- we designed centaur puppets and such, even a Pegasus. Well, not to delve too deeply into the details, since Jon is STILL mad at me for going to see the Karate Kid the night I SHOULD have been making my share of the puppets, but he did a really excellent job on his puppets, and we got a great mark. Of course, the next project, everyone copied us and put on a puppet show, but we went back to live action. We had so much fun doing it, and Mrs. Baxter loved us.
Over the course of the year we interviewed a Sasquatch (ahh now you see my reason for this Long and Ancient Story) who bonked Flat Paycheck on the head (Travis helped us out, I sat on his shoulders and wore the sasquatch mask we made, and a fur coat); we interviewed Eugene the Uralian (from Uranus- talk about a source of readymade juvenile entertainment- plus Eugene shot Flat Paycheck with an improved version of the Allanon gun- a zap ray made out of toilet paper tubes); and my favorite, as well as our coup de grace, we interviewed Spatula the Statuela, an Easter Island statue. He was a work of art, he even had moving lips and the ability to stick his tongue out at poor ole Paycheck. Those were the days.

Haloscan has been having a lot of problems this weekend- they say everything should be running by today sometime, but we'll see. It seems as though I chose the most Pooey commenting service there is, not to complain too much about a free service. And now everything is working fine again.
Just got back from my favorite used bookstore. Only bought kids' books today- an Asterix, a really beautifully painted book about the Chinese Zodiac, and two books about poolar bears, written by a guy whose name I am jealous of- Hans de Beer.
It's absolutely gorgeous out: 5 degrees! But by Thursday the daytime high is suppoosed to drop to -17. Arctic high coming in, courtesy of my friends the poolar bears.
Saw Daredevil yesterday with members of Seven Daredevil Fix. I liked it- enough to give it 2 poos out of 5.

Aside from the fact that I am a bear, one of the reasons why I was never really very scared of bears growing up is that I was much more concerned about sasquatches. Even though we had to put the occasional bear trap in our yard, but never a sasquatch trap. I saw a sasquatch once, though. When I was three. And it had a cluster of flourescent math symbols instead of a face. So I suppose it's possible I just saw a math poster or something and mistook it for a bigfoot. Regardless, Homie Bear would like to offer the following sure-fire ways to identify sasquatch spoor in the woods. Foot prints are a dead give-away, as sasquatches almost always go barefoot, but occasionally are known to wear oversize bunny slippers. And of course their poo is somewhat distinctive- I need not describe it here other than to say, the word bigfoot was mistranslated from the original native dialect, and a more proper rendering would be Bigpoop.

I didn't draw that, I don't know who did or who holds the copyright, I just wanted to see if I had what it took to html a picture. Me=Smrt! But I will not over use these newfound Poowers.

Some of my American, Asian and European (no no Europooin!) friends might not be familiar with Stompin' Tom Connors. He is Canada's Minstrel. My favorite song is the Sasquatch Song, which goes like this (you'll have to supply your own melody I guess):

One day at midnight the sun was so brght
The moon had no light that I could see
This big ole sasquatch said he was top-notch
At playing hopscoth way up in a tree

So I bet my wrist-watch that big ole sasquatch
Could never play hopscoth way up in a tree
Now there's a sasquatch up in a tree crotch
He's got my wrist watch, and he's laughing at me

I told the mounties throughout the counties
To put some bounties all over BC
And stop that sasquatch from playing hopscocth
Till he gives my wrist watch right back to me

Then Corporal Savern he found a tavern
In an empty cavern where the sun don't shine
And he found a sasquatch drinking blue blotch
Wearing a wrist watch looking just like mine

So he asked the sasquatch where he got the wrist watch
And that big ole sasquatch, he began to lie
Said he got the wrist watch while playing hopscotch
Up in a tree crotch with a stupid old guy

So the Mountie told him he could never hold him
He'd have to scold him for doing no harm
So they played some hopscotch until the sasquatch
Had the Mountie's wrist watch on his other arm

Now all the mounties throughout the counties
They're placing bounties all over the land
And that big ole sasquatch he won't feel top notch
When they get their sasquatch like they get their man

Cause if that sasquatch keeps playing hop scotch
There won't be a wrist watch for miles around
Cause he'll play hop scotch till he gets your wrist watch
Up in that tree crotch, and he'll never come down

So don't play hop scotch near any old tree crotch
Until that ole watch-stealin' big feelin' hop scotchin' sasquatch is found!

Matty got married yesterday- it was a nice wedding. Many old friends who I haven't seen in a long time were there- Cora Lee and Amy especially. Mike was going to come, since Matt was his room-mate too, but then he decided at the last minute that he would rather stay home and watch the hockey game. It was Hockey Day In Canada yesterday, you know. But the Oilers lost to the Montreal Pooing Canadiens so it was a very sad Hockey Day In Canada.

THE HOCKEY SONG - STOMPIN' TOM CONNORS

Hello out there we're on the air, it's hockey night tonight
The whistle blows & the tension grows and the puck goes down the ice
The goalie jumps and the players bump & the fans all goes insane
Someone roars Bobby scores at the good old hockey game


Chorus: Oh the good old hockey game is the best game you can name
And the best game you can name is the good old hockey game

2nd Period

Where players dance with skates that flash the home team trails behind
But they grab the puck & go bursting up & they're down across the line
They storm the creese like bumble bees they travel like a burning flame
We see them slide the puck inside it's a one one hockey game

Chorus

3rd Period Last game of the playoffs too!

Oh take me where those hockey players face off down the rink
And the Stanley cup is all filled up for the champs who win the drink
Now the final flick of a hockey stick and one gigantic scream
The puck is in the home team wins the good old hockey game

Chorus

Heads up... He shoots he scores!

Here is a portion of the Chinese creation myth, taken from Dragons and Dynasties by Yuan Ke.

"Before the heavens and the earth were opened, the universe was all in darkness, a mass of confusion in the shape of a great egg. And there, in that egg, was the one called Pan Gu. He had been sleeping and growing in that egg for eighteen thousand years.
One day he opened his eyes. He looked all around and saw nothing but terrible darkness. He could hardly breathe! A rage began to grow within him. "Why am I, Pan Gu, in such darkness? Why am I in this egg?"
He flung out his hands in anger and his hands touched a big axe; no one knows where it came from. He grabbed the axe and began to swing it wildly from side to side through the mass of confusion. then suddenly "Crash!" the sound of a thousand thunders echoed through the universe. The great egg cracked open!"

Anyways, after another 18000 years Pan GU dies and from his body all the features of the earth sprang up. Kind of a neat story- I love how Pan GU gets so mad about being in that egg, and how lucky he was that there just happened to be an axe handy for him to go Gimli with.
I would invite your comments on this story, but the commenting system seems to be not workng lately. It is full of poo.

More from Dragons and Dynasties:
"When he died he changed into a terrifying ghost who wandered the earth afraid of nothing but red beans."

I got a nice little Valentine in the mail today- five smackeroonies! Almost as good as five smoocheroonies. A couple of weeks ago I stuck a five dollar bill in a change machine. The machine made some odd repeating whirring sounds that wouldn't have been out of place on a NIN song, and after a while the noises stopped, but no change did proceed forthwith from the dispenser. What the Poo? I said. I stared in Astonished Disbelief for a while, kicked the machine a couple of times, and finally accepted the fact that it had decided to keep my five bucks. So I called the company that owned the machine, and they said they would send someone right away. Which I took to mean that my five dollars was gone forever. But no! Today it came in the mail! Yay!

Happy Valentine's Day

From Your favorite little cherub, Poopid.

And here are some Further Sentiments from HomieMark Cards:

Do you know why I love you?

You don't smell like poo.

Travel Buddies
I used to have this really cool Darth Maul figure that I brought with me everywhere I travelled- China twice, Alaska/Yukon and an aborted attempt to hitch-hike to Toronto (I only got as far as Winnipeg that time). Then this summer in New York I let Jonny Smelter hold him while we watched Epoosode II. Well, he never gave him back so I lost my Travel Buddy. That trip to Alaska I mentioned, though, was with my friend Olivier. We got it in our heads that it would be cool to go to Anchorage. Well, it wasn't, no offense to any Anchorageites out there. There just wasn't anything for us to do. So we ate at the Pizza Hut and turned around and went back (We did lots of cool camping stuff elsewhere though so don't worry). Olivier bought a Jar Jar Binks doll at the Hut, and so when we crossed back into Canada, the customs officer asked us if we had anything to declare, Olivier said, "Just Jar Jar." That was back in '98.
This last summer, when me and Alex went up there, I made sure to buy a Jar Jar figure as my travel buddy. So he got to cross the Chilkoot Pass with Alex and I, and Alex's little stuffed bunny, which was his Travel Buddy. See them here. Everyone needs a travel buddy. Even a Jar Jar. He should have been called Poo Poo Binks.

The Siege of Stalingrad
Mike and I just watched Enemy at the Gate. Pretty good movie- I had never seen it. I give it 2 poos out of 5. A couple of years ago, I heard an older coworker in the ministry I worked for give his life story. He talked about being in the Battle of Stalingrad, and praying to God for protection. He went on to tell many other amazing stories of how God has been active in his life. It was quite inspiring. Walking home after the meeting with my room-mate, we were both pretty quiet, thinking over what we had heard. Finally I broke the silence. "So ole Fritz was a Nazi, eh? I never knew that. Crazy."

Legolas the Mouse is pretty cool. I've held him a few times now- and he hasn't pooed on me so that's good. He mostly sleeps a lot, he must be nocturnal. I hope I keep good care of him- Lauren gave me all the instructions in a very fast sound bite last night. Now I have a mouse and a fish. My fishy is named Bruce cause he's tough like Bruce Lee and is a superhero like Bruce Wayne. He is also a Vicious Murdering Fish so he always eats the algae eaters I buy- even the Exo-Skeletoned Poocostumus types. And Bruce is just a little guy too- an African cichlid if you know anything about the genus Pisci. Already my room-mates have gotten the notion to feed Bruce to Legolas, or vice-versa. But Homie Bear is a Champion Defender of the Animals, so that will not happen.

Me = Sad
I helped Cory and Lauren pack all their stuff into a moving van today, so that tomorrow they can move away forever:( A terrible day. They are moving to Medicine Hat. More like Medicine Crap. No wait- more like Medicine Piece of Poo! Cory and I had some good times this last year- canoeing from Devon to Edmonton (a gruelling journey of many many millions of centimeters), going to M-T Town to watch gunslingers, and then his truck that he just bought stopped working for some reason on our return trip- we were just outside of Leduc and managed to limp into the city alright. We spent a hot summer afternoon pumping his antique bellows to try and do some blacksmithing, though all we accomplished was getting very very hot and sweaty. Then there was all the Two Towers goodness that I've already detailed. And lots of other things- Many Truly Memorable Times. Oh yeah and Lauren is really great too, it has only been a pleasure having her for a friend. Plus she is pregnant, so that's pretty exciting. Even if it means she can't come tobogannoganning.
But on the plus side they left me their little Mousey Mouse, Legolas. It is a well-known fact that bears and mice are good friends, so we should get along just fine. Lauren told me I have to watch out that he doesn't poo on me, though. When their other mouse Gimli died, me and Cory mourned his passing with a shot of rye at O'Byrne's. Damn I'm gonna miss him. Cory I mean, not Gimli. >sniff sniff< okay that's twice in one week. Double poo.

We're a Happy Family
But getting back to the Ramones tribute, which comes out today so don't ask me how I already know all this stuff it must be some crazy Psychic Poower I have- Extra sensory Pooception, or maybe just a good Poo2Poo app. Anyways, it's interesting when bands do a cover, how they choose to go about it. The Offspring do I Wanna Be Sedated so straight you could almost be fooled into thinking it's the original version. At first this didn't seem to make sense to me- why bother? But then I thought from the bands' point of view, maybe when they were a garage band they started off doing such covers, pretending (wishing) they were their heroes. So I guess that makes sense. But I really like the more out-there takes- Marilyn Manson's version of The KKK Took My Baby Away totally creates a whole new atmospheric, mournful vibe that is almost at odds with the Spirit of The Ramones, yet it is an amazing song. And I can't stop listening to Rob Zombie's heavified Blitzkrieg Bop.

In addition to bears, I also like Eagles a lot. I've seen quite a few eagles in the wild- once at the Queen Charlotte Islands I saw 8 of them circling a little lagoon, fishing. This last summer I saw a small family while I was kayaking on Lake Invermere in BC. One juvenile was just hanging out in a tree- his head has just started to go 'bald'. I sat and watched him for a while, and suddenly he swooped down towards me and dove into the water- but he was still new to the whole art of fishing cause he fell right in! Crazy eagle! After he struggled out again and went back to his tree, sans fish, I could have sworn he looked embarrassed.
And I saw a Mexican Eagle of some sort in Cancun- who just happened to take a poo while I was watching him. I seem to have a knack for spotting wild animals in their indignity. Maybe my fearsome Bear Apperance frightens them.
Growing up in the Rockies though, animals were never a big deal. On two different occasions we had to put bear traps in our backyard. Us bears are too smrt to fall for those, though. Anyways, one of my favorite "Wild Animal Sightings" occurred at the mine, where the largest herd of bighorn sheep outside of a national park lives, two mature rams with full horns on reared up and slammed horns directly outside our pit bus. It was loud and bone chips hit our windows. They get ornery during mating season and have been known to ram our buses.

Mama Bear gave me a Poolar bear calendar today. It's nice. I love poolar bears. I saw one once, in Churchill, but it is hardly an inspiring story. Poor guy was fleeing in terror from the train I was on- I just happened to look out the window and see it. I spent four days in Churchill looking for more but I never saw more. Which is actually a very good thing cause I was just wandering around looking for them. All I had to protect myself was a bear banger. Well, it's not like I wanted to go pet one, just see one from a distance- I had my field glasses. But I did meet a little Arctic Fox who was quite friendly- he let me follow him for a while.
Did you know that I used to draw a bit? I am not an artist in any way, but when I was hitch-hiking I made a few sketches here and there. I can not draw anything from my head- I have to see it, and even then . . . but maybe I should dig up them old drawings of bears (Grizzly, Spirit and Poolar) I made and scan them and poost them in that photo album. Too bad I don't have a scanner.
And di you know what Homie Bear truly is? Now you do.

Wow are the roads bad today. Pure sludge everywhere- my poor little Civic is too low-slung for this kind of snow, which the Inuit, with their 87 words for snow, call PooSnow. And of course today would be a day when I have to do a lot of driving. Oh well. The Gathering went well- we had a really good guest band called Liquesce, just some kids but they were very cool- kind of mellow-with-a-slight-edge, even poossibly somewhat reminiscent of Beach Boys, but I mean that in a good way- they definitely had no bad songs about Kokomo or something stupid like that. Speaking turned out okay too- I resisted the urge to say Poo at any point in my part, though I was gratified when Poo was mentioned during Liquesce's set.
I went over to Cory and Lauren's after to watch Klondike Quest for Gold. We missed the first fifteen minutes, but it was cool, a lot of good shots of the Chilkoot Pass itself- the Golden Staircase.

R.A.M.O.N.E.S. by Lemmy Kilmister

New York City, N.Y.C.,
Pretty mean when it wants to be,
Black leather, knee-hole pants,
Can't play no high school dance
Fuzz tone, hear 'em go, hear 'em on the radio,

Chorus : Misfits, twilight zone,
R-A-M-O-N-E-S, R-A-M-O-N-E-S
RAMONES!

Bad boy rock, bad boy roll,
Gabba gabba, see them go,
C. Jay now hit the gas,
Hear Marky kick some ass,

Go Johnny, go, go, go, go Tommy o-way-o,

(Chorus)

Bad boys then, bad boys now,
Good buddies, mau, mau, mau,
Keep it up, rock 'n' roll, good music save your soul,
Dee Dee, he left home,
Joey call me on the phone.

(Chorus)

The whole thing lasts about a minute and a half. As it should be. >sniff sniff< well I gotta go cry now. Poo.

Hey Ho Let's Go . . . play football in the snow!
I'm getting old and fat, man. Well, maybe fat is too strong a word by about 30 lbs, and 28 hardly qualifies as old, but today as we ran and played in foot deep snow I felt like it. But it was SOOOO fun. Maybe I got a little more winded than I did ten years ago, but tackling and being tackled is one of life's greatest pleasures, don't you agree? The football got wet and frozen and about as aerodynamic as a frozen piece of poo, but no one was keeping track of QB rating today. And the man whose bachelorhood we were celebrating (mourning?) was the best player. He moved out today. No more Matty. Oh well. I will mainly miss him for the guitar picks he constantly supplied me with.

DId you forget about the Ramones tribute album like I did? Luckily Fish over at the Sun reminded me and the rest of Edmonton via his review well I was gonna link to it but it looks like it was only in the print edition. Too bad for you- I guess you'll just have to go buy it (uh, like I will, when it comes out on Tuesday . . . ) Metallica does 53rd and 3rd quite well, Tom Waits is Tom Waits (a good thing), the Chillis are great and it's good to have Marilyn Manson back but I have to say my favorite track so far is Rob Zombie's take on Blitzkrieg Bop. Perfect Snow Football music. (Coincidentally, Mr. Zombie's previous band White Zombie also contributed the best track to Nativity in Black- the tribute to Black Sabbath with Children of the Grave). Anyways, I give this album 2 Poos out of five- only because tribute albums are never as good as the orginal, at least when the Ramones are concerned. The best tribute to the Ramones is still R.A.M.O.N.E.S. by Motorhead. You can find that gem on the amazing 1916 (that's what it's called, not when it came out) album by that band, one of my favorites of grade 11.

And an already poofect weekend was rendered transcendant when Morna came over and we watched a certain Fantastic Movie of Greatness, whose name I dare not utter here.

I'm speaking at the Gathering tomorrow night- our last Team Messenger outing. So I was trying to come up with stuff to say yesterday, and instead I came up with this:
Introducing Homiemark Cards!!! A new Business Venture. Greeting Cards Straight Outta Da Woods. Here is a sample:

Thinking of You

The other day I was thinking of You
But don't get too excited-
I was taking a poo.

Tobogonogonning
I thought I would be really sore this morning, but so far I can still walk- yay! Last night I went tobogganing and it was so much fun, and also very painful. Someone brought a Jumbo Sized Crazy Carpet, which could comfortably seat 15, and uncomfortably 20. Connors Hill was nicely polished to a Slick Icy Sheen, so we achieved speeds upwards of Warp Factor Poo. And there were numerous Collisions and Wipeouts and such as is normally associated with this Sport of Kings.
And today is Matty's Bachelor Party (He getting married next Saturday) where we will play Snow Football! I probably won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow morning, but it will be worth it. If I was 20 years younger this would be like the Best Weekend Ever. Heck, it is anyways.

How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Poo! (This is a good riddle because it defies standard conventions of lightbulb jokes, and it is about Poo)

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Bearp
Bearp who?
haha you said bear poo

By the way, Gotthammer Mike correctly guessed my LOTR alter ego from one of last week's poosts- I would be Beorn, of course. Mike is thus elevated to Poo Bear status. The Pooet Laureate suggested I write a LOTR pooem. This is a fine idea in principle, but I find I lack just the right inspiration. Anyone else up for the challenge? Okay here is an attempt anyways:

Orc was walking in the woods and met a bear named Homie
Orc said I have a problem and the bear said to him show me
Orc said my problem is I'm hungry and have nothing to eat
But I would love to sink my teeth into some sweet sweet bear meat
And Orc took his sword and swung at the poor Ursis
But Homie was too fast and Orc was yelling curses
And now Homie Bear grabbed Old Orc in his mighty jaws
And ripped him in two with his front left and back right paws
A few days later Homie went over to his non-Ent tree Loo
And there you will find Orc in his new form as a piece of Poo!

The Writing on the Pit Wall
There's a part in The Diamond Age where Dinosaur is telling a story about the last remaining dinosaurs on Earth, and he talks about how the last Duck-bill, Everett, finally realizes he is the only one of his kind left, and will soon be eaten by the carnivores: "At the very end, I think Everett may have put two and two together; I saw him blink in surprise once, as if the light had finally gone on in his head, and the rest of that day he was very quiet." I mention this because today I had lunch with my Dad who brought me the latest news from the mine. PQ pit, where I spent the majority of my most recent mining career (PQ stands for Poo Quotient, I guess we were actually mining poo), is now finished, and all remaining shovels and trucks are in A6, the last pit to be mined at CRC. Dad said when the guys saw all the equipment there they finally seemed to realize that this could be it for good ole Cardinal River. Unless we get Cheviot, we will go the way of the dinosaurs. I of course have already gone extinct.
And in other news, I went over to Cory and Lauren's to watch Klondike Quest for Gold and it was really good. Alex and Erica left good comments that were then eaten by halsocan, but I agree with both of you- it was good to see the trail again. And the bear was cool- I think he's from my 'hood.

Lama Karma Tsundulp Lodro
I went and listened to a lama today, he was talking about chakras, a subject I have developed a mild interest in after Gotthammer Mike gave me a book called Travels by Michael Crichton. This lama is in actuality named Jeff Alvin Olson and lives in Whitehorse. It was interesting, though maybe a bit over my head, since most everyone else not only knew all about them already but some could even see them and such. Anyways, one good thing that came out it is I decided if I had a lama name it would be Lama Homie Tenzing Poodro.
When I was in Tibet, my friend Deanna was talking to some Tibetan girls about her desire to ride a yak. Being sophisticated city folk, the girls couldn't fathom why she could possibly want to get near one of these stinky foul beasts. Deanna explained that she had been all over the world and had ridden such animals as water buffalo, pigs, horse, llamas and elephants. The girls were horrified and told her, "Lamas must be respected at all times! They are not for riding!"

On a completely different topic, today's Gateway had this article on hitch-hiking , written by a female (only significant cause female hitch-hikers are rare) writer from Montreal who hitched to Halifax last year. It was pretty good, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes when she talked about getting antsy after waiting "over an hour" for a ride. Oh well, at least she had the guts to try it. Oh yeah, and her rules of hitch-hiking- well, I followed number 6, but that's about it, though I certainly tried to follow #2.
One time I saw a bear crossing the highway by where I was thumbin'. Luckily for me he just went straight into the woods and paid me no mind. Probably he had to go poo.

And, because it doesn't quite deserve its own poost, I will tack on this addendum: William Gibson has a new book, and he has a new blog. I read Neuromancer for a class once, and though I recognize it for the influential work it was, I didn't really get into it much. But I do remember how the main guy was on the lam for stealing "two megabytes of hot RAM!"

Even Better Riddle Ever
What is Poo made of?
Polonium Oxide

Best Riddle Ever
Here is a riddle I just made up:
Why did Napooleon lose at Waterloo?
He thought it was an outhouse!!!

Aragon Son of Alfred . . . or is it Haratron?
As many of you know, I have spent a couple of summers in China, and am a big fan of the Chinglish or Engrish mangledypoos that often arise when well-meaning-but-unilingual Asians do their best to provide English translations of bootleg products. For example, I picked up a copy of Star Wars EpisodeL, as well as a notebook that Anita gave me that says the following: When you are not around? I get that post-party depression. It is sort of a boogie-on-downer.
But this takes the cake. It is the Two Towers with Engrish subtitles, thought it is not exactly clear why an Asian bootleg would need them. Thanks to Miss Desolation Angel for orignially poosting this on her blog.

A reminder to Alex, Dave, Clint and Erica: Watch or record Quest for the Yukon tonight on HIstory Channel. For the rest of you, this is a reenactment of the Historic klondike Gold Rush, and we met the participants while hiking the Chilkoot Trail this summer. Tune in and see these old-timers do everything the old-fashioned way- from eating to pooing, crossing the Golden Stairs tobuilding a boat. Oh yeah, I do not have History Channel so please record it for me. Thanks.

Seven Devil Fix at the Mudhut
These are some of the heaviest moments in my musical history: Master of Poopets, at the culmination of the melodic bridge when it gets heavy again, Nomad by Sepooltura (and many other deserving songs of theirs too- Inner Self, Roots, Cut Throat and Dead Embryonic Cells come to mind), the part in Stinkfist where it builds up from the solo and Maynard says I'll keep digging, War Ensemble by Slayer, the incredible bagpipe intro to KoRn's My Gift to You, and now . . . Seven Devil Fix's merry Christmas carol-inspired Midnight Clear. I got to see them perform that song tonight, and many other killer tunes, and it was Pootastic! The boys had a lot of energy tonight and it was great to see the crowd respond so enthusiastically to what to most of them would have been a completely unknown band. They played mainly original tunes, but also some notable covers including Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love and Stone Tempoo Pilots' Plush. They finished the evening off with a rousing rendition of Tent Meeting, surely one of the funnest Gospel songs ever written.

And earlier tonight I joined the Chinese Students Society and celebrated the New Year with them for a bit. I think the correct pinyin for Happy New Year is this: Cien nian quaile but again I might be wrong about that. Oh yeah Sherry picked me up and her 19 year old neighbour was drivng her car, and we were listening to the Bear when Warning by Green Day came on- a great song so I sang along. Sherry's young neighbour was impressed, and asked "You know Green Day?"
"I am familiar with their work, yes."
Sherry said, "Who's Green Day?"
And the kid said, "They started the whole punk thing."
Well, I didn't let him get away with that.
Which reminds me of when I was in New York. Dee Dee Ramone had just passed away the day I arrived, so me and Jonny Smelter went to CBGB's to pay our respects (And ugh, Shania is photographed inside that Venerable Establishment in this weeks Rolling Stone, for an artivcle which also links her inexorably to Edmonton). Outside there was a little shrine dedicated to Dee Dee, and we paused for a moment of silence. Then a drunk fratboy comes outside and sees the shrine, and Solemnly Proclaims, "Oh yeah, the bassist from Weezer."

So what are you doing tonight? The correct answer is: going to the Seven Devil Fix show at the Mudhut. It's only the Pooey All-Star game on HNIC, so you have no excuse not to go. Unless you live in Costa Rica or Mexico or anywhere but here in Edmonton. Look at me- I have my car jacked up right now and my tire is in my mudroom, and I'll be there (uh, Scottie, if you're reading this, can I catch a lift? I'll call you). But even before that I am going to party with the Mainland Chinese for Happy New Year's Goodness.

I'm in a poosting mood today- you might say I have the runs. First off, Happy Chinese New Year! Anita once taught me how to say it in Chinese, but I forget. Here is my almost-certainly wrong guess: qing nin de kwaile! Please correct me if you happen to know mandarin. In honor of China, I will give you this quote from The Diamond Age:
"Who is the scary man?" Nell said, pointing to the big painting.
"Guan Di. Emperor Guan. Formerly a soldier named Guan Yu. He was never really an emperor, but later on he became the Chinese god of war, and they gave him the title just to be respectful. Terribly respectful, the Chinese- it's their best and worst feature."
"How could a man become a god?" Nell asked.
"By living in an extremely pragmatic society," said Constable Moore after some thought, and provided no further explanation.

I think he meant Empooror, I guess those were typoos or something.

I saw Alex today,and he had a little Reindeer Keychain that pooed tictacs! If I can get a hold of a supply of these, my Poo Awards will reach New and Unheard-Of Levels of Incredibility!

Our Pooet Laureate has been busy, but this is part of her job after all.

'Twas bright and clear that early summer's day in Camelot
Maidens danced, masters rode, and children frolicked merry
But the day was not so sunny for a few unlucky sot
The pootent brew imbibed til dawn invoked a visit from Poo Fairy

Poo Fairy's visits aren't benign as the good reader surely knows
She strikes with fury and imparts the illest will to luckless folk
And our five lads had e'en more reason to be filled with deepest woes
Modern plumbing wasn't yet a dream and all the hay'd gone up in smoke

For these were servant boys who lived in stables with the horses
Chamber pots were a luxury afforded only to the rich
The brew had been bought cheap from most unsavoury of sources
But the boys gambled - summer's advent had instilled them with the itch

The eve was filled with laughter, tales of debauch and glee
A few sly wenches had come in dead of night to join the fun
Music lilted from the pipes and couples danced so merrily
None suspected that Poo Fairy would sneak in when they were done

Disaster struck as common happens on these nights of careless mirth
Two brawny lads who'd tipped too many ales commenced to wrangle
And lo the season's hay stored in the stable sudden was in dearth
From a candlestick knocked o'er during this torpid twosome's tangle

So thus we find our laddies in their grim state of come to pass
A predicament beyond that situation as we know it
As they had more than the discomfort and the painful, burning ass
But a huge surfeit of poo with nowhere private they could stow it

The youngest of the five was quite admittedly the brightest
The others looked to him for a solution to their plight
Alas, Poo Fairy had her evil grip on him the tightest
And doubled over groaning he gave up without a fight

The noxious stench was mounting and the mess was ever growing
The lads knew they had to hide the proof of misbehaviour
They could but watch in horror as evidence continued flowing
It seemed their only hope was intervention from the Saviour

Then one sick and weary lad heard the grunting of a hog
And an idea thus presented for a loo
If those swine would condescend to eat the leavings of a dog
They surely wouldn't mind a little poo!

Our heroes learned their lesson well that morning spent among the pigs
And ne'ermore revisited that night's most bitter folly
They found an honest brewer, who disdained the use of figs
To avoid Poo Fairy's wrath when next they wanted to get jolly.

Wow. It reminded me of Chaucer. Or maybe Beowulf- the Poo Fairy=Grendel

Monster Jam Yumyum
Went to the Monster Truck Jam tonight- what great fun. The last time I went to a Monster Truck Jam, I got to take a World- Renowned Philosopher out for supper the next night, so I regaled him with Tales of the Monsters. He was fascinated, not having had an oppoortunity in the past to attend such a Prestigious Event. Then I asked him the following Philosophical Question (knowing that he was about to do a big debate, I figured he needed to get warmed up) : Would you rather fart in public, or pee your pants in private? This question had recently come up at pooker, so I was getting everyone's answers. Of course, nowadays I would say poo your pants in private. A surprising number of people chose to pee their pants in private. Steve chose pee his pants in public.

Anyways, this is from the Gateway, the U of A's student newspaper. I read it today and almost pooed my pants (in public-don't worry I wasn't really going to) from laughing.

Dave Alexander's Top Ten Signs your History prof sucks

10. The mere mention of Turkey causes him to grab the nearest person’s lapels and scream, “Istanbul, not Constantinople,” followed by “and it’s nobody’s business but the Turks... so fuck off!”
9. Habitually wears authentic Civil War army uniform, even when not lecturing about the Civil War.
8. In addition to lecturing about the bronze age, he talks about “the metal years.”
7. He claims the country of Chad used to be called Kevin, but refuses to say why.
6. Complains constantly about how That ’70s Show “gets it wrong, maaan.”
5. Citing extensive medieval records and slides of cave paintings, he painstakingly “proves” the impossibility of Queens of the Stone Age.
4. He swears the Second World War was actually started by a pie-fight gone horribly wrong.
3. The choice topics for your midterm paper are Back to the Future 3, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Timecop.
2. Earned his doctorate by proving beyond a reasonable doubt that Rome was, in fact, not built in a day.
1. He confuses Joan of Arc with Joan of Jett.

Three TIres Out Of A Possible Four
I just got in from taking the flat tire off my car. Actually, it is frozen on, but the bolts have been removed in preparation for when I can go and get it repoored. LAst night Cory came over and we filled it up and half an hour later it was flat again. What a pain. I was trying to remember how many flats I've had over the years, and I could remember at least 5. Including the one last year when my tire got slashed and I had to run around on a long weekend to get it fixed, and it wasn't fixable, so I had to buy a new one, when I had to work nightshift that night. I still get mad when I think of that one.
The good news is, there is only Happy Fun on the horizon. Tomorrow morning me and three friends (Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and me- can you guess who I would be? Hint he is not in Two Towers) are going to convene for a viewing of the Two Towers on bootleg DVD. This is a critic's advance preview copy that certain Unscrupulous Individuals have procured for our edification. Pirates and Smugglers were involved, I am sure, so I will not give any more details than that. Maybe I am just being Pooranoid, but that's okay. Tomorrow hopefully we'll get some pooker going, then Friday is the Monster Truck Jam and Saturday is Chinese New Year and the very first ever Seven Devil Fix outside-of-the-Gathering gig at the Mudhut. That will be good. You should come.
Also tomorrow, though it looks like I will miss it, is the World Premiere of my First Movie Ever. It is just a small independent pooduction, just a poomotional video, nothing amazing. Not as cool as the news I got from my good friend Jonny Smelter today- he got his first TV role! Here is what he had to say: "I thought you might get a laugh out of seeing me on "one life to live" I play a bass player (what else?) in this band at the end of the episode. It will air on the 27th of Febuary so make sure you haven't used your sick-days up by then. Please be kind. I was made to wear those clothes and my advanced apologies to the Smelters." So a big congratulations to Jonny Smelter. I don't think he checks out the Woods much, but if he is reading, Homie Bear is proud of you!

The Pooet Laureate Speaks

Pain in my belly
Only relief is rolaids
Or a good long dump

A haipoo acrostic! Nicely done!

Best Detective Ever
With but one clue- I was given the location of a secret, indecipherable document- I was able to track down a fugitive Chinese National, by unearthing various hidden clues (and using a chaos pendulum), thereby securing a hitherto unattainable objective. Of course I can't give you any more details than that, but trust me, I was brilliant. SO if you have any cases you need solving, just let me know. I'm pretty good at that sort of thing. Me and Matty once had a Detective Agency at Grant MacEwan, so I am very experienced in these matters.
Not only that, but I also starred in a movie today, and cleaned out Bruce's fish tank, and got my car unstuck and its flat tire fixed, with the help of Cory. In fact, I accomplished all my missions for today. Ooh- except for one- the crowning of the new Pooet Laureate. Well, that is pretty much a foregone conclusion- my Sister Nadine is hereby Appoointed to the status of Pooet Laureate of the Great Nation of Pooing in the Woods. Congratulations and thanks to all the participants, they were all Tremendous and Unprecedented Works of Art.

For more on the Metallica vs Metallica epoosode, read this.
Been listening to the Misfits' 20 Eyes all day today- I love that song. Waaaay back in high school some guy made me a tape of Danzig's Lucifuge and filled the blank stuff with old Misfits songs (Glenn Danzig was the front man, you pooser), who were only familiar to me as a band that Metallica covered. 20 Eyes was my favorite song from that tape. Here's the lyrics- once again I have lived my whole life with the wrong idea of the song- I thought it was about a monster who had 20 eyes in his head. Judge for yourself:

20 Eyes in my head
20 Eyes in my head
20 Eyes in my head
They're all the same, they're all the same

20 Eyes in my head
20 Eyes in my head
They're all the same, they're all the same

When you're seeing 20 things at a time
You just can't slow things down, baby
When you're seeing 20 things in your mind
Just can't slow things down

Then all those eyes
They're just crowding up your human face
Then all those eyes
Take an overload

Repeat

Those were the days- trading tapes with total strangers, just because of a mutual love for music. I wish there was something like that now . . .

This is your last chance to submit a haipoo or other work of pooetry- I will announce the winner tomorrow. So far, it seems to be pretty unanimous that Nadine will win, but if you feel like a challenge, try and outdo her. I have come up with a new innovation myself- the Haipoo Acrostic! Observe:

Putting on my pants
Oops I forgot my undies
Oh no I have none!

"Hackworth had made efforts to learn a few Chinese characters, and to aquaint himself with some basics of their intellectual system, but in general, he liked his transcendence out in plain sight where he could keep an eye on it- say, in a nice stained-glass window- not woven through the fabric of life like gold threads through a brocade."
-from The Diamond Age

Neal Stephenson is such a good writer, and reading this book again, this time with considerably more knowledge about Chinese history and culture, is helping me gain that much more of an appoociation for his craft. Here's another one:

"Judge Fang had recently been plagued with doubts as to whether his life made any sense at all within the context of the Coastal Republic, a nation almost completely devoid of virtue.
If the Coastal Republic had believed in the existence of virtue, it could at least have aspired to hypocrisy."

Playing in the Snow
Last night was the most fun ever. I was supposed to go skating at Hawrelak Park with a whole bunch of people, even though it was -25 out. The skate rental shack was closed, though, since there was no one else in Edmonton foolish enough to be out, so me and Jonny were poo out of luck. But instead of succumbing to Depression and Dementia, we decided to build a Poowerful and Impregnable Snow Fort! There was a big pile of snow out by the lake where it had been piled after previous clearings. We started digging a little tunnel with our boots and soon we had to get sticks. Before long (2 ½ hours, actually) this Tunnel was big enough to fit two people comfortably inside! And that’s not all! We built a Great Wall outside to Guard and Protect the entrance to the tunnel. Morna remarked that it looked like Helm’s Deep, showing herself to be a Discriminating and Astute Judge of Architecture. I told her I was hoping some Snow Orcs would come along and try to fight us for it, but sadly none did. Jonny and I figured out that our Fort was worth $700, since he is a Engineer and I am a Geologist, and we worked 5 man-hours on it, at $100/hour, and Emilia and Mindy contributed considerable labor themselves, thus the extra $200.
But eventually we had to go, so we caved in the entrance so no little kids would play in it and die. Drew wanted to rig a Child Trap, but of course it is far too cold to catch any children right now anyways. So then we went and had hot chocolate at someone’s house. A poofect night.

Since it is so cold out today, what else is there to do but blog? I wish I could go toblogganing hahaha. Anyways, I had to go pull out my old Ride the Lightning CD after I quoted that lyic from Trapped Under Ice.

I don´t know how to live through this hell
Woken up, I´m still locked in this shell
Frozen soul, frozen down to the core
Break the ice, I can´t take anymore

Freezing
Can´t move at all
Screaming
Can´t hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I´m trapped under ice

Crystallized, as I lay here and rest
Eyes of glass stare directly at death
From deep sleep I have broken away
No one knows, no one hears what I say

Chorus

Scream from my soul
Fate, mystified
Hell, forever more

No release from my cryonic state
What is this? I´ve been stricken by fate
Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can´t break free
Hand of doom has a tight grip on me

Chorus

Reflecting on these lyrics, I am forced to admit that this song isn't about being Trapped Under Ice at all, at least in the literal sense. I always kind of thought it was, just because Ride the Lightning is such a primitive album, compared to their others. The whole album is about death. Unlike Kill 'em All which was about, umm, leather and headbanging. I mean come on, these albums are both very old- 1983 and 1984 they came out. I have to say, James Hetfield is one of my all time musical heroes. In fact, he is my all time favorite. For lyrics his work is poetry (unfortunatley I can not think of a single instance of the word poo appearing in a Metallica song) and his riffs are the best. Too bad their sheen has been diminshed in recent years with their constant suing people. Most recently they are suing local Edmonton punk band Metallica. Yeah you read that right. I guess I can understand why the real Metallica might be a little upset. But they should take it as a joke instead of getting all corporate on them, you know?
I bought ReLoad on the day it came out in 1997, while in the midst of my Cross-Canada Hitch-Hiking Trip. I was in Winnipeg and the weather was much like it is today. Then I got on a train and went to Churchill to see Poolar Bears. I listened to ReLoad the whole way, and to this day I swear Fixxxer is about the Northern Lights, snow and Hudson's Bay. The cool intro is the aural equivalent of the aurora. It's actually about voodoo though, or poo, or something.

Back in July or August I went Chilkoot Trailing with Alex. While there I met some fantastic people, and they got to meet me! Lucky them. Just kidding. I was IMing with Erica today and she let me know about Dave's school's page, which features some pics of our trip, including photos of me and by me. They're kind of tough to find though, but if you want to dig around, check out this. Of course, the photos link to the left has some pictures of that trip too. Also, on the trail, we met some guys who were doing a reality show for History Channel where they reenact the Klondike Gold Rush. That show debuts on February 2 and more can be found about that here.
One funny poo story from that trip: on our last day (of a five day hike) we were setting up camp and this guy is at the next site doing the same. He starts talking to us, and gets around to asking if we had any toilet paper. So we lent him some, and he was pretty happy. Then he informed us that he had ran out three days ago and was forced to use his socks.

Yesterday was Chinese History Day at the House of Poo. I finally finished a Brief History of the Boxer Rebellion, and then I watched the Last Empooror. It seemed to be fairly accurate, at least as far as I know. But after reading such heavy stuff I figured it would be appropriate to return to some good ole fiction. I am rereading Neal Stephenson's The Diamond Age, which is one of my favorite books ever. It is about nanotechnology, Victorian Morals and (You see the connection now) features a Neo-Boxer Rebellion. Stephenson seems to know his Chinese History, though he uses the wrong-but-way-cooler "Fists of Righteous Harmony" translation of I Ho Chuan. Now, my Chinese is laughably far from being anywhere near to be able to translate that on my own, I just know from my own studies that a more correct translation is 'Boxers (or Fists) United in Righteousness".
Basically, they wanted to rid China of Foreigners, especially Christians, so they killed over 200 foreign missionaries, including women and children, and over 30,000 Chinese Christians. The Boxers believed that their particular martial art enabled them to be possessed by gods and rendered invulnerable. They weren't though, and a good many Boxers were killed when the British, Russian, French, German, American and Japanese forces came and kicked their asses. And then sacked and pillaged Beijing.

Trapped Under Ice
I got up early and went outside and plugged in my car, fighting the cold and knee deep snow, risking a ticket from the bylaw officer (I strung the chord across the sidewalk, since it is not long enough to hang from the trees) in order to go tobogganing with Alex. Four hours later, my car wouldn't even think of starting- I guess -30 (low last night was -38, it was -32 when I got up, but it is currently a balmy -23) is just a touch too cold for my faithful friend. It is also too cold for Alex, who didn't want to play outside today anyways. Fine by me, I can't find my longjohns or cold-weather gloves anywhere- that's what happens when you move so much. And besides all that, it is doubtful that my little Green JEllybean would even be able to fight its way out from under the snow it is trapped under. (I am dying to live CRY OUT- I'm trapped under ice! Reward pooints for anyone able to identify that quotation).

Anyways, I still wanted to go out for a walk- I like the cold, and there is something cool about living in a place where exposed flesh can freeze in a matter of minutes. When I was a kid I got frostbite in my fingers and for many years afterwards even a cold glass of water would cause my fingers to turn white and numb. Thankfully that finally went away. But like I was saying, I went down to the used bookstore and bought some books. A book on the Chinese Diaspora called Sons of the Yellow Empooror, a book with a poolar bear on the cover called The Golden Compass, and best of all, a pristine copy of the Two Towers that matches the old set I "inherited" from my Dad- but they are falling apart from many readings as well as from being taken to a coal mine. All three books came to $14.50!

An Epic of Homeric Proportions to add to the Canon today- this one from my Mexican Sister who Teaches English. Her name is Nadine and she lives in Mexico, is fluent in Spanish and yet can write English to make Shakespoore jealous. Obviously Pooetic Talent runs in our family.

There once was a poo named L'il Noodle
Who lived in a tiny toy poodle.
He was cheerful and happy
Til the poodle felt crappy
And ended up taking a doodle.

The streets were cold and quite scary,
For a while things were hairy,
L'il Noodle knew not what to do.
Shadows were dark and looming,
Music from bars was booming,
No one worried for one little poo.

Alas there's no happy ending
To this tale, it's heartrending
For the poo surely was not to blame.
Collected by vagrants
Unbothered by fragrance,
He was burned up in one big poo flame.

She gets extra points for using poodle, by the way.

OK now they're rolling in- two from Alex in the comment link there, and this Enigmatic and Grande Haipoo submission by Tay, aka Blu.

flatulence unseen
this verdant and potent sit
my beautiful muck

Here, I even decided to write another Haipoo.

Snow is soft and white
And it hides the poos of dogs
Don't eat yellow snow!

No one else has submitted any pooetry yet, but I eagerly look forward to receiving some- the good thing about pooetry is it is automatically High Art Worthy of the Ages. So send your haipoo or whatever today!

Snow and snow and snow and snow
According to the news today, we have received more snow in the past three days than in the last three months. This is pretty much a very good thing, since we have been in such a bad drought the last year or so. Too bad it's also so cold right now. Click on this link to see the current temperature at the U of A, which is just ten blocks away or so. You'll note the green goodness they have going on, plus my cousin GUBA Bear lives there too. Anyways, a little cold can't deter Homie Bear, who is a Poolar Bear after all, so Alex and I are going tobogganing on Wednesday afternoon. If anyone else wants to come feel free to join us at Connors Hill around oneish.

How Long To SIng This Song
Tonight at the Gathering we had a Thin Place service- a service dedicated to prayer, meditation and contemplation. Since I can occasionally be a PooBrain, I forgot that we start at 6 now so I almost missed it- I was watching the AFCchampionship game and thought I had another hour before church but luckily I remembered before it got too late and I didn't miss anything. Anyways, Deb, Scottie and Craig from Sanctuary, and Mike and Tay from 7DF, jammed on U2's 40 for an hour and a half and it was frickin amazing. It doesn't sound like it could be done, but they did it- I counted no less than 14 instruments, so the musicians would trade off which leant to an incredible musical variety. It was a pleasure to listen to these very talented folks improvise and experiment, while contemplatng on Psalm 40. The music would alternate between a very light and melodic, mellow sound, then build and crescendo into a loud, exuberant shout- just like being brought up out of a pit. Finally, the night ended with an explosion of percussion- everyone using some form of drum (and Deb used that shaky metal-bead-thing that sounds cool) to pound out a failry heavy, even menacing beat. Which I thought was appropriate since I think a proper view of God recognizes His menace. Anyways, I can't do justice to the night by writing about it, but I had to say something.

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lfited me up out of the pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song of praise in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.

The Haipoos have been quite well received, and I decided to let you all in on the action- Announcing the Very First Pooing in the Woods Pooetry Contest! Submit to me via email your haipoo, limerick, sonnet or whatever you want and I will pick a winner sometime next week to be the new Pooet Laureate and maybe I will try and find an actual physical prize too (I just had a brainstorm idea but I think I will try harder than that- and you know what I thought of cause you thought of it too!). I will poost all submissions unless you tell me otherwise, or unless they are beneath my standards of decency (you should be safe). Anyone is welcome to submit. Submit to Homie Bear

Mike's got some cool things to say about Eminem and Poophets (Ezekiel and Jeremiah) over at Gotthammer today- go click on the link to the left to read it.

I'm having a bit of a pooetry writers' block right now, so I thought I would throw a few Haipoos out there.

When a bear goes poo
In the woods by himself
Can anyone smell it?

So you don't like poo
But you poo to stay alive
Make peace with the poo

Brown and round and fun
That's why footballs are so great
You thought I meant poo?

I am the Pooet Laureate

When was the last time someone wore a monocle? I think that will be the next big Hip hop fashion trend- Nelly will forego his bandaid-on-the-cheek for a monocle. "It's hot in herre, chap." "Jolly good show, what-what?" Maybe I should start a new style of music- not urban, not rock, but woods. It wil be called Poo Plop.

Shampoo
Heehee

Use the commenting function to poost your old school favorites- there's no condemnation here.

Listening to some old-school stuff these days- Anthrax, Poosistence of Time. Laugh if you want, I don't care, it's good stuff. They do a cover of Joe Jackson's Got the Time which is still one of my favorite songs ever, even after 12 (!! We're getting old, Rowan!) years. And the instrumental Intro to Reality- beautiful. I love the bottom end on this disc.
But I also have a couple of other older CD's up by the stereo, and Mike was looking at the jacket for Nevermind, and says, "This is almost child porn." And I was like, "No it's not!" And he says, "You can see everything! It's child porn!" So then I tried to explain to him that nudity is not necessarily porn, but he wasn't buying it. And then, triumphantly, he says "What's this?" and he shows me the OTHER old CD I've been listening to lately, the Pixies' Surfer Rosa. As you know, the cover features a topless ballerina. "See? Porn." So Mike won the argument.
He wins a lot of arguments.

As you can see on the sidelines there, I added a link to the Hockey Pundits. It is a good sight, and you should visit it. But first, I would like to add my two cents as a Hockey Poondit. I think you will agree I am qualified since I am currently winnning my Hockey Poo with 41 points between me and second place (held by my Lovely and Generous Neighbour/Landlady Mandy) and 174 points seperating me from Mike my Room-mate. Super Poopers First Class Cal and Alex are doing alright for themselves, but they are still losing to ME. Haha.
Anyways, I just wanted to discuss Todd Marchant for a moment. At the beginning of the year everyone was saying how he should be traded away, since he is an unrestricted free agent at the end of the year anyway. But I said then, and it is even more true now, that he is the Most Valuable Oiler, and in my opinion, he should be the Captain, not to take anything away from Jason Smith. But it is Toddy who is always there talking to the media, facing the heat after an Embarrassing Loss or deflecting the praise after a Glorious Win. He is the Longest Serving Oiler, one of the Hardest Working, and now, he is even among the Highest Producing (4 points last night, 12 in the last 7 games) , which has never been his job. Him and his wife are very involved in the community. Oh yeah and he scored one of the Most Exciting Playoff Goals in the Storied History of the Oilers. So please Kevin Lowe (and I know you are reading this) do whatever it takes to keep this Class Act an Edmonton Oiler. I will make you a Super Pooper Extraodinaire if you do. Thank you.

I did a Google search of "Pooing in the Woods" to see what else is out there pertaining to life as we know it. Turns out this blog doesn't even show up, which doesn't really bother me all that much since I kind of doubt that anyone else in the world will type in that same search. But anyways, I was quite interested in what I did find:

Oh, it's that stupid job of hers," he said. "She works fourteen-hour days, then comes home like a bear.". "What, pooing in the woods?". "Grizzly.". "Oh. ...

Interesting, eh? Especially if we look for the hidden, subliminal message, as follows:

Oh, it's that stupid job of hers," he said. "She works fourteen-hour days, then comes home like a bear.". "What, pooing in the woods?". "Grizzly.". "Oh. ...

Pooing in the Woods is going for a more Woodsy look- what do you think? It took a lot of fiddling around just to get the greens sort of right, since I am not a poogrammer it was trial and error. The font colors don't really match up, but hopefully it doesn't hurt your eyes at least. The world could always use more green, and today I partook in the elimination of some- we painted over our Beautiful Green Ceiling at the Gathering. I felt kind of guilty about that so I changed the layout here. Eventually it would be cool to have an actual Woodsy background, complete with trees and creeks and such. But I have no idea how to go about doing that. It's kind of funny- I pooruse other people's blogs to see what else is out there and I find all these 14 year olds' blogs whose layout kicks ass, and they did it themselves when they were bored. Of course, their content is a little lacking- consisting mainly of teenygossip- who's mad at who and for how long and why and such. And they never seem to talk about Poo.

Trevor came over and we watched xXx. As much as I like Vin Diesel (The Iron Giant is one of my favorite movies ever) I am forced to give this movie 3 and a half Poos out of 5. The reason it doesn't get more is because it was kind of fun to watch, so definitely some entertainment value. As with any movie, it could have been improved greatly by the inclusion of a cartoon bear or at LEAST a few mentions of the word Poo.
It also encouraged me a bit, since I figure I could write a better screenplay than that.

All these bears and tigers everywhere- ever notice how many cartoon versions of each there are? Winnie the Pooh is a Bear of Little Brain, while Yogi Bear is Smarter Than Your Average Bear (and Homie Bear is the Smartest Bear of All). Then there's Baloo the Poo and Smokey the Bear, the Care Bears and the Bears that ate Goldilocks, and Brer Bear.
In the realm of the genus Felicity Tigris there is Tigger, Shere Khan, Hobbes and even the Esso Tiger. And probably more that I can't think of.
An obvious thought that comes to mind when poondering these lists is what would happen if these cartoon animals were all assembled into two Mighty Armies and fought each other, who would win?
But though I have been called a Messianic Cult Leader Who Promotes Violence, I do not endorse such an endeavour. In fact, Homie Bear wishes to live in peace with all the cartoon animals , and warmly embraces all fellow bear kindred, even Pandas, which are not actually bears but Ungulates or Protobronts or something, and Koalas, which are actually Rodents. Furthermore, Homie Bear wishes to express his Highest Admiration for the Panda that can accomplish this.

In honor of the Tao of Pooh and just Poo in general, I finally watched The Tigger Movie today. I got this DVD free from Disney quite a while ago and never bothered to watch it till now- it was really good. I laughed. In fact, I declare it my new favorite movie until Thursday. I have to say, for being such a Big and Soulless Corpooration, that Disney has treated me well over the years. They sent me a new disc for the Empooror's New Groove when mine wouldn't work in my PooS2, and now that Mike has one I have discovered that the fault is with my PlayStation and not with Disney.
Speaking of DVD's I own and have never watched, I also have the Last Empooror. I just started reading A Brief History of the Boxer Rebellion today so when I finsh that, I will watch the movie, which has nothing to do with the Boxers, but the last empooror's (who happens to be named Pu Yi) mom was the Empress Dowager and she had a lot to do with the Boxers.
So there you go- Peerless Movie Reviews, Linguistics Lessons and Chinese History all in the last few days of Pooing in the Woods- truly the most important blog in blogdom.

Well, I finished reading the Tao of Pooh, and it turns out it wasn't about Poo at all, but about Winnie the Pooh! Do I ever fell sheepish! Winnie the Pooh is pretty cool though. He's a bear, he lives in the woods, he's originally from Canada, he says Poo(h) a lot. He's just like Homie Bear, in fact.

Pooing in the Woods presents A Lesson in Linguistics

In an attempt to boost the Educational Content of Pooing in the Woods, I give to you this language primer, good in at least 28 and a half countries of the world.
Poo in French is Le Poo
And in Spanish it is almost the same, just reverse the letters in the first word. El Poo. Easy, no?
Russian is a bit tricky cause you say it the same, just in a Russian accent (Pooink), but you got to use Cyrillic letters, where a P is spelled with a upside-down U, which I can't really make on my keyboard, but it looks a little like this:
__
l l OO
And Germans of course like to use many syllables, so it is Der Poopiesprecken.
Okay, now onto some non-Europooin languages. I can't show you the Chinese character, again due to keyboard limitations, but the Pinyin is remarkably easy: Poo, fourth tone. If you need to say, "Excuse me, I have to Poo" you just say the following (just make sure you get the tones right, or you might wind up saying something inoffensive:) : "Lao jia, ni yao zou poo".
Alright, so that about covers the major languages in the world. Then you have the made-up languages, like pig latin. That's easy enough, ooplay. The Star Wars language is very similar to English in this regard: Poodoo. And in Elvish, it is rendered thusly: Poogolas.
Well, that's about all the languages I know.

Mike gave me a book yesterday called The Tao of Poo. I look forward to reading it. I think there are some good lessons to be learned from Poo. For example, think about being flushed- you just have to go with the flow. You might wind up being surrounded by Poo, but that's okay- you are a Poo too!! And for those Poos lucky enough to be deposited in the woods- they get to be fertilizer and contribute to the Great Circle of Life.

Today is 01/02/03. According to my newly made-up theology as a Messianic Cult Leader Who Promotes Violence (I take my responsibilities seriously), today is the long-ago-prophesied Apoocalypse. And you know something? It kind of has been, for me. The parasites that I hooked up with in China seem to have returned today. Not a fun day.
As far as the Cataclysmic Apoocalypse prophesied by the great Poophet Raspootin, it doesn't appear to be happening. Maybe tomorrow- the third day of the third year of the third millenium!