This poem is a direct result of driving around Cape Breton Island, listening to the Gorillaz' (and Dennis Hopper's) "Fire Coming Out of the Monkey's Head", and mulling over Dan Simmons' Ilium, a curious tale about the Trojan War on Mars, among other things. And if this reminds you of the Iron Giant, that's okay, too. Stuff written on one's honeymoon need not be very original or amazing, as long as it's about robots.

The Lighthouse Cove

At the edge of the world
where green grass meets blue sea
a lighthouse stands
where it has kept vigil
for over a century
guiding ships safely
past the rocks

Then one day
with a sea storm's suddenness
a giant black robot
over a hundred feet tall
and not quite humanoid
descended from space
and landed
next to the lighthouse

The residents of the sleepy little cove
watched with apprehension
and wariness
waiting for the strange thing
to do something
anything
probably devour them all
but all it did
was incline its head
toward the heavens

Slowly they overcame their fear
and approached the black shell
the robot didn't devour anyone
it didn't react at all
the braver boys discovered
that it made a hollow clanging sound
when you hit it with a rock
and the girls drew on it with chalk

Inevitably the government came
and so did the tourists
while the residents went about their lives
some of them got jobs as tour guides
in the Robot Interpretive Center
all the while
the lighthouse stood guard
and the robot didn't move
though sometimes its eyes glowed
different colors

The government and all its
secret organizations
could not discover the robot's origins
though there were lots of books
with all kinds of
conspiracy theories
and crackpot hypotheses
sparking endless debate
and boredom
while the robot stood tall
next to the lighthouse

Many years later
with no warning
the robot flew away
leaving the lighthouse behind
where it remained impassive
searching the seas for ships in distress
while the citizens scanned the skies
to no avail
so they returned to their lives
in their sleepy little village
now devoid of government and tourists
and they renamed it
Robot's Cove

We're back! It was a pretty great honeymoon. Our other option was Cancun, so I guess that worked out pretty well for us. One thing that was very cool for me was seeing some of the places I last saw back when I was on my life-changing hitch-hiking trip, and being able to share them with Michelle. We finished the trip off yesterday in Charlottetown. Eight years ago the C'town highlight for me was seeing Junkhouse perform in a little bar there. Junkhouse is broken up now, though, so . . . umm . . . anyways.
Another really cool memory I have from that trip eight years ago was meeting this Newfoundlander named Shawn who picked me up outside of St. John's. We wound up staying in Corner Brook (like about 600 kms away), going out for a few drinks and some pool, and then he gave me a zippo lighter with the Newfoundland crest on it. That lighter has since gone with me on every trip I've ever done (except ironically, the honeymoon- I was a little busy and it got left behind). So I decided to give him a call while we were in St. John's, and we wound up hooking up again, with our wives, going out to George Street for a few drinks. Well, for many drinks, actually. So cool. Michelle and I got screeched in as honorary Newfoundlanders. I was a little shy about calling just out of the blue like that, but I am glad I did. Thanks Shawn and Natalie!
So, even though Junkhouse is no more I highly advise you guys to check out some of their albums. They have a sort of swampy, bluesy, junkhousey feel. As a special bonus, their album Birthday Boy features a little-known Sarah McLachlan collaboration called Burnt-out Car.

Check out some of the pictures of whales and puffins I took this morning! It was amazing! Humpbacks everywhere. Wow.
And the puffins are so neat- they are like quidditch snitches! They flap their little wings at 500 beats per minute.

St. John's
Newfoundland is the coolest Canadian province ever. I love it. Eight years ago when I hitch-hiked here, I camped in Gros Morne National Park and thought to myself, "This would be a great place to go on a honeymoon." Done and done! We were in Gros Morne yesterday and earlier today. We went sea kayaking this morning with these guys and it was amazing, and took the Western Brook Pond boat tour yesterday (sort of an inland Milford Sound) and it was soooo beautiful. Now we are in St. John's, clear on the other side of the island. Staying here, in fact. I recommend it- exceptionally elegant.
Well, gotta go- I am on my honeymoon you know.

Antigonish
So my wife and I are busy having a honeymoon out in the Maritimes. Which is why you haven't heard from me in a while. Today we are in Anitgonish, which is so much fun to say. Soon we will be heading out to Cape Breton Island and then Newfoundland.
We have a rental car, a beautiful Chrysler 300 that we have named Seamus. I am pleased to report that he has (so far) not met with any mishaps like those that met noble Wedge.

It was perfect.

Gotthammer Mike believes that you see your totem animal at key times in your life (if you want to know his totem animal, ask him). With my wedding coming up in a few days, it was cool to see four grizzlies today at the mine, after not seeing any for over a month (perhaps not coincidentally, today was like the first sunny day in over a month as well (until the deluge at shiftchange that turned us into drowned rats)). First I saw two sows and a cub, which is kind of a strange combination, and later on I saw a huge boar. Actually, I saw him twice.
Also, I saw a gangly moose calf today, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with our wedding.

A Hundred Buttons



I built a killer robot
and it has
a hundred buttons!
The start button's green
and the stop button's red
There's buttons for all its weapons
missiles machineguns grenades and
skunks
Buttons for
highspeed
lowspeed
turbo mode
stealth
shapeshifter
laserguided/GPS/mp3 mode
Infrared ultraviolet sortagreen and babypink buttons
It's got a Headsup Display
and a Bottomend Bass
I added a Manual Grease button
(all those moving parts need to be lubed)
I even installed a special
Babysitter Mode button
But that one still has some bugs in it

Polar bears, like whales, have a highly insulative layer of blubber, which helps them to maintain body heat in the frigid arctic environment that is their habitat. This layer can be up to four inches thick. In fact, it's so effective that they often overheat when exerting themselves.
So when people ask me if I am getting cold feet, I just laugh. No way.
One more week!

Panther mauling, bear tattoos and stag parties

Did you ever hear the one about the panther, the bear and the stag? No? Well, it's not a very good joke. But it made for a pretty good day yesterday. Michelle and I had a great breakfast and Panther Mauling Contests with Crogdor and Troi, and then we headed over to Urge2 to get our bear tattoos (kind of our wedding presents to each other), beautifully designed by blu and permanently etched into my flesh by Jo at Urge2. From there I had just enough time to drop Michelle off and head over to Travis's for my stag party- a Texas Hold'em tourney! Yay! What a great day! So much fun. And fun is fun. Travis, one of my groomsmen, went and bought a poker table and some fancy chips and some beer and food. Thanks for your money, guys- I nearly tripled it. What a great day.
And less than two more weeks till Michelle and I get married!

Digger is a webcomic by a very talented artist named ursula vernon. Normally her archives are locked up but since she has been nominated for an award they have been unlocked for a week or two, so take advantage if the opportunity to read about the adventures of a wombat, Ganesh, winged rats and other things.

It's good to see young people writing. Her project is definitely something that is worth supporting- for those of you not from Edmonton, the Stollery Children's Hospital is a world-class institution out of the University of Alberta. It would be cool to see The Good Prince and the Evil Witch Hazel on Greenwood's bestsellers list this month.

"Hi Mom, I'm on my way home . . .I gotta go, we just hit a deer."
Driving back from Hinton last night I picked up a hitch-hiker to keep me company, and he had just called his Mom when the law of statistical probability finally caught up with me. Two deer came bounding out onto the highway right in front of me, and though this has happened many times before and I have always managed to avoid a collision, there were two and I could not thread the eye of the needle, so to speak. So I clipped one on the leg, sending the poor little guy flying end over end into the ditch. Sadly, it didn't kill him outright, and though we got out to check on it, it had fled into the bush already. Well, a bear, cougar or wolf will likely take care of it. I hope a bear. Then I could say it was a circle-of-life sortathing. I did call out an apology to it, though. As well as a frustrated admonition: "I wish you guys wouldn't run out into traffic like that all the time."
Oh yeah and Little Green Jellybean sustained almost no damage. A little crack in the plastic piece by the grille.

It's still not clear if my XM radio is now actually legal or what. When I set it up a few months ago, I had to give an American address.

I forgot to mention that on Saturday Lydia and Drew got married! Yay! Head over to her blog to congratulate them.

Too many Generals!
This is what happens when Michelle goes to Calgary for the weekend . . .


I am General Grievous!


No, I am General Grievous.


No! I am General Grievous!


We can't ALL be General Grievous!


What the . . . ???


No!!!! That's impossible!


He has had enough of this nonsense.


Just relax and have a popsicle!


Three cheers for Homie Bear! We are the Generals Grievi!

Seven Devil Fix needs your vote! They can't offer you a cabinet position but I bet they would really appreciate it if you headed over here to vote for them in the Molson Canadian Rock Search. I've even heard you can vote more than once.

My dear friend, ex-roommate/travelling companion gabrielle is having a blast off in New Zealand. I decided to interview her to see what's going on in her life.

1. So you "griznew up in Crazy Ass Nigga Vancouver", eh? How does Wellington compare?

Wellington doesn't compare to Vancouver. Actually, that's not entirely true. The weather is roughly the same except that Vancouver gets MORE rain and LESS wind and Welly gets MORE wind and LESS rain. But other than that they're both gorgeously set cities with shit weather. Welly compares more to Edmonton in feel, though, because it's smaller and generates much more of a community feel. It's also incredibly cultural and artistic. Whereas Vancouver is huge and impersonal and mostly crap, like Auckland. :) Bias anyone?

2. Have you run into Wedge anywhere? Seen Rowena? Waved at Mr. Bun?

Haven't been back to Mr. Bun since I moved in with vegetarian flatmates who cook like gods (and goddesses). Funny story about Rowenas - apparently the dude who owns it ("Rowena" himself?) got arrested for kiddie porn related crimes. Okay, so not FUNNY so much as EW but still... Wedge, I assume, is living the high life in Auckland. Poor devil.

3. Okay, more serious now. Sounds like you are having a great time, and I'm really glad. How do you think this experience has changed you? (for the better, and for the worse???)

For the better I can't count the ways this experience has and is still changing me. I have learned the all-important lesson of living in the present. Don't cling too hard to the past, don't wait impatiently for the future. Just embrace whatever is here, now, at this moment. Which, practically speaking, means I spend most of my time cultivating friendships and being with people here instead of online or holed up in my own head. This has taught me how self-sufficient I truly am, how brave, and how blessed in my relationships. It's taught me that people make everything matter. For the worse it's given me nightmares about leaving. I can't imagine abandoning this city and these people now, I can't. I am in a niche I was born to be in here. And I learn every day about myself and my journey. I love it!

4. What has been a highlight or two lately?

I must say getting my job at the Embassy Theatre is a definite highlight. The Embassy is so grand, so luxe! Then seeing Peter Jackson in the theatre to watch "Star Wars: Episode 3" was really quite a satisfying event. But most of my highlights relate to friends here. Going to the strippers with Eliza was a high for sure. *giggles* Brunching at the Chocolate Fish Cafe with Janna was a high. Dancing like a moron in my flat with all my flatmates at god-knows- what-hour after a Nutella binge was a high. Things like that.

5. Are you still experiencing that brick-wall culture shock (note to readers: because NZ is so close to Canada in culture it comes as such an unexpected shock when there are cultural misunderstandings) effect? Any examples come to mind?

I love that you asked this question because the "brick-wall culture shock" never ends! It's so funny. It's like ripples in a pool. The longer you stay, the more there are. We're so similar that the differences are nearly catastrophic. The latest is the way I say "mirror". Some people in Canada pronounce it all distinctly like "mirr-or" but most, including myself, sort of blur it all together so it ends up sounding like "mirr". They mock me ENDLESSLY for this. They've taken to calling my mirror "Space Station Mir" and making "beep beep" noises or sounds akin to burning upon re-entry whenever I say the word. They try to teach me to say it "right". Which means like this: "mur-rah". Give me a break. They also don't have sprinkles. You know those little candy bits you put on cupcakes? They have "hundreds of thousands". Yeah, that's what they call sprinkles. I'm like "That's not a name, that's a quantity".
Whatever.

6. Is there anything I missed that you think I should go back to NZ to see?

In sightseeing terms I couldn't tell you. I don't sightsee anymore. I live here now. This is home. So the things I think you're missing are things like meeting all my new friends and hanging out at our favorite haunts and things like that. Sightseeing-wise I'm at a loss because I don't see NZ as a vacation anymore. I see it as my home. Though I would say, delving back into memory, that you missed out on the black sand beaches of Marokopa and the beach town of Mount Manganui. But my experience now is vastly different from a touring one. Sorry.

7. Any good NZ movies that we might not have heard about up here? How about literature?

There are virtual shitloads... sorry, BOATloads... of pop culture that NZ produces that nobody here gives a fig about. Which is so odd. They honestly don't know or care about their own literature and movies. So it's left to me to preach the gospel of just how WONDERFUL
NZ culture really is. If you haven't read "Rain", do. Then watch the movie by the same name. I recently watched a series of NZ-made short films which blew me away. They're all unrelated (unless you count the fact that they all star Marton Csokas) but they're BRILLIANT. "A Game
With No Rules" is very slick noir-like fare. "Accidents" is dark and edgy. And "Twilight of the Gods" has to come with an NC-17 rating but otherwise is just a gorgeous piece of storytelling. Also watch "In My Father's Den" if you haven't already. I could go on forever. But they'd all roll their eyes at me.

8. So it's winter time there now eh? Is that weird?

If by "weird" you mean "cold", then yes. See, it's not as cold as it is at home. I'd say 7 degree nights or so. I have no idea. Jacket and glove weather but not freezing. The difference is that at home we have a lovely invention called "central heating". Which they don't have here. So whatever temperature it is outside (plus wind) is the exact temperature of your home INSIDE. Setting that issue aside, it is weird. I keep getting that "it's nearly Christmas" knot of
excitement in my gut but of course it's only June. *sigh* It's like Narnia. Always winter and never Christmas.

9. If we ever get our butts in gear, what kinds of things can we send you? What do you miss most about home?

I used to have a giant list of things from home that I missed and wanted. But now there's only two things. Children's Centrum Chewable Vitamins plus iron. And you guys. I'm home here. I can make it work, even considering how FUCKING EXPENSIVE the most basic necessitites are, but I miss you guys. I want my friends to come see my life here. I want my cake and to put "hundreds of thousands" on it too. *grin* Oh, I also accept donations of Dove skin care products.

10. What happened to your Resident Evil soundtrack? I been looking for it to listen to it but I can't find it anywhere.

That's odd. I know it got packed. It was with the box that had "Bound" in it, I think. I left BOB, Norah Jones, and "Black Hawk Down" with Craig and Deb but not "Resident Evil". Pretend to shut down the Red Queen's central computer and see how fast it comes
running.

Never mind, I found it! Didn't even have to kill any zombies or anything! Yay!
Thanks for doing this gabby. Take care and have lotsa more fun!

One more month till we get married!

Yay!

Check out this amazing animation that has absolutely nothing to do with Kirk Cameron:
Growing Pains.

In my referral logs a few weeks ago I saw a thing from Gizoogle, in which my poost on sasquatches was rendered in Snoop-talk. Check it out yo.
So I decided to gizoogle some of my friends to see what I might find. Selkie, you are apparently a wannabe gangsta selkie. And I gleaned this bit of wisdom from entering in vampirenomad: "Earthquakes puttin tha smack down. Wizzle is they good for? I've heard a lot `bout earthquakes in mah lifetime being that I griznew up in Crazy Ass Nigga ... "
Let's see, the guy who is marrying Michelle and I knows tha flow: "As time has passed, Gotthamma has become an extension of mah Tizzle persona . Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin'. ... Thankfully, I am not only Gotthamma, Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. I am also Mike Perschon, ..." Why didn't you bust a rhyme earlier when we were having coffee, Mikey G?
So much fun.

Just in time for summer- a polar bear! Polar bears have summers too you know. Besides it is the antipodal winter, so the little penguin guy is right at home. The second of the two great bear pictures that Sarah How made for me. Pretty great eh? Unfortunately I had to downsize (losing a lot of quality in the process) and flip the image for the time being, since for the life of me I couldn't change the alignment of the text to the right . . . seems like a simple thing but I dunno.

Working in a coal mine can be kind of crazy sometimes. I'm pretty good at what I do but occasionally even I make mistakes. Yesterday I pulled away from the water fillup with my water truck still attached to the fillup. Hoses and water everywhere, but amazingly I didn't break anything, just pulled everything apart and it was easily fixed. But as I was down on the ground contemplating how best to go about that, I looked up to watch two 260 ton trucks collide- 34 started to slide sideways because of the mud, clipping 32's mirror with the back of his box. The damage was mostly cosmetic. Both drivers had special instructors from Fort McMurray with them. Which is kind of funny when you think about it.

Since Jon (Darth Wildious in this incarnation) asked so nicely, I will give you some thoughts on Revenge of the Sith. Have you heard of it?
It was a lot of fun. Yeah it had some cheese and some bad acting, but so did all five other Star Wars movies, so no suprises there. When I see a Star Wars movie, I see it in full-on Little Homie Bear mode. I go back to when I was three years old seeing Star Wars for the first time, or when I was five and I didn't know there was an Empire Strikes Back till my parents took me, without saying where we were going, and being in absolute awe at the tauntauns, Walkers, Yoda, Darth's stunning revelation . . . and the three long years of speculation with people such as Darth Wildious as to whether Vader was lying or not, and what would happen to Han, all encased in carbonite like that. So I forgive the weaker aspects of the new trilogy, because it means so much. I just enjoy them for what they are. And Episode III had much to enjoy- the climactic duel is stunning, and surprisingly wrenching.
Having said all that, there are some things I wish had been a touch different- General Grievous was way cool, but his cowardliness kind of undermined him a little, especially since he was portrayed as having much more class in the Clone Wars cartoons. Oh well. He had four lightsabres so that makes up for a heck of a lot.
Anakin's seduction to the dark side was handled fairly well, though if I were to summarize it, it came a little too close to this:
Palpatine: Hey Anakin, did I ever tell you that I'm a Sith Lord?
Anakin: Really? You are? Can I be one too?
Palpatine: Sure!
Finally, the last thing that made me wince a bit was Lucas' ill-advised homage to Frankenstein at the end, which marred an otherwise brilliant and darkly beautiful scene.
Anyways, minor points. In Little Homie Bear mode, these things hardly matter. And if there is the nagging suspicion at the back of my mind that perhaps it could have been written a little better- perhaps even, forgive the hubris, that I could have written it better- it is only because Lucas himself helped awaken the immense powers of imagination and sense of wonder in me and my generation. May the Force be with him.

(Photo copyright 2005 al.ma;
used with permission)

The small girl
asks her father
what she sees
His answer
astonishes her
and even though
she isn’t quite sure if she should
believe him
her amazement
outweighs
her doubt


I suppose this could be seen as a companion piece to "Little Boys" that I wrote a few weeks ago. I hope you like it.

I wish I could have been the one to utter this sentence from a conversation I had today:
"He was holding a robot in his hand."
A sentence I am quite pleased I was able to utter today:
"Did you know your old church blew up?"

The Mystery of the Sasquatch
by Little Homie Bear

My report about mammals is about sasquatches, who are giant apes or cavemen or something that lives in the woods and mountains of North America. Also their cousin the yeti who some people call the abomable snowman who lives in the Himalayas mountains in Nepal and Tibet, which are two countries very far away from here where they have Mt Everest the tallest mountain in the world.
Anyways, there is very little known about these mysterious denizens of the primodial forest. Some scientists even claim that there isn't a such a thing as a bigfoot (which is what some people call sasquatches because of their big feet). But I don't know how they can say that when they also say that they have an uncertainty principal. But what IS known about the sasquatches is they are undoubtedly very big. Hopefully they eat plants and berries and not bears, but I think they don't because otherwise we would see more of them I think and have more fights. And I don't want to fight with these mythical beasts who might be from the Ice Age. Other animals that are from the Ice Age are the woolly mammoth, and I bet that the sasquatches rode on woolly mammoths.
The End

The mystery of the sasquatch fascinates me- I even wrote this touching paean to them. But I'm not one to get too excited about the latest "Caught on Film! " exclusive scoop of fuzzy, out-of-focus blobs that are probably either a bear or a guy out walking his dog. The latest example has been getting some coverage in the media, though I don't know why- it isn't that impressive (and I am being generous). But at least it has gotten me thinking about the subject again. Obviously a large primate prowling undiscovered in our backyards is an intriguing concept. But it's always something that's larger than life, you know? Aliens, Loch Ness monsters, angels, . . . maybe some or all of these things are real, and that'd be great if they were. I'd love it if someone proved there were real sasquatches. But since you can't prove that something doesn't exist, there will always be rumours, even if there is no such thing. Why aren't there ever rumours and fuzzy videos of a new species of rodent- maybe a polar porcupine, say, or a brown skunk or something? These things just aren't enough to incite the public imagination I guess.
In the meantime, though, there are all sorts of astonishing things happening out there- just last week they found an ivory-billed woodpecker after they were thought to be extinct for the last 40 years or so. Pretty cool. Or a new species of dinosaur that seems to show an evolutionary transition from carnivore to herbivore. Not to mention that whole Homo florensis discovery in Indonesia.
The other week at work I saw a grizzly, probably the closest I have ever been to one (aside from looking in the mirror I guess ;), and that was pretty damn cool. My point? If there are sasquatches out there, fantastic. But the world has more than enough wonder in it even without them.
(art by gloriouskyle, used with permission)

Here is my own entry for the Flickr contest, which I am not eligible to win but that's okay. Just being nominated is an honor. I'll announce the winner as soon as I figure out who it will be.

Flick couldn't believe his luck. What a year it had been for him! First his beloved hometown of Halifax had finally gotten a CFL expansion team- the Black Schooners. That alone would have made his whole year. Then they announced that the Grey Cup would be held here in Halifax! Wow! He almost thought he would burst. But that wasn't even all. His entry for the design-the-mascot contest had won!!!!!!!!! He knew it would, of course. How could such a brilliant, though admittedly obvious, concept not? He had submitted a drawing of a Nazgul. But not just any old wraith. This was a robot. And a pirate! A robotic pirate Nazgul was the official mascot of the Halifax Black Schooners! His prize had been season tickets, and best of all . . . they asked Flick to wear the mascot costume during the Grey Cup! Overload overload overload! Flick wouldn't have been at all surprised to be contacted by the Nobel guys to tell him he had won their prize too, that's the kind of year it had been.
When the big day arrived, Flick made sure he was there early to get the costume on. First he put on a metallic robot mask with an eye-patch, then the Nazgul robe. For a crowning touch, Flick let his pet kea perch on his shoulder, completing the whole robot-nazgul-pirate look. The fans went wild as he took the field for the pre-game warmup. Flick basked in their adulation, and then poured out some of his own when his heroes the Black Schooners took the field.
At half-time the score stood at 44-37 for the Edmonton Eskimos. Flick hated those Esks! And their mascot- a polar bear named Nanook? Please! Though he had to admit their bear suit looked surprisingly convincing. Flick's ruminations were interrupted when Mea Culpa (his kea) squawked loudly, a sign for Flick to turn and look at the stage erected for the half-time show. The special musical act was a tightly guarded secret. Flick had no idea who it would be, but he was eagerly anticipating the . . . ohmygoodness!! Could it be? It was! His favorite band of all time ever in eternity was walking past him to take the stage! Slipknot!!!!! #3 turned to him as he passed and said something that sounded like "Nice mask", though it was of course muffled. Flick was in heaven. It didn't even matter that the Eskimos broke the game wide open in the second half and won by 72-30 (an unprecedented event in Grey Cup history- the Black Schooners actually lost points for some reason). Flick even went over to the opposition mascot after the game to congratulate him, and was surprised to discover it was a real bear! The bear introduced himself as Homie, not Nanook, explaining that he just played Nanook for the games- they gave him a PSP for his troubles.
"But you know, I have a hard time working the controls with my paws, so why don't you have it?" Homie Bear gave Flick the PSP.
"Homie Bear, you are truly a great person," said Flick, "The very best." And thus ended the Best Grey Cup Ever.

Last chance to win a free Flickr Pro account- the deadline for entries is tonight. Just scroll down a couple of poosts for the rules.
Also, you can read how my friend Alyssa came to be "filled with a rage that threatens to consume" her. I got to hang out with her and Kavi and Rebecca last week for a bit and I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Until I read about her consumptive rage. This is an equation that just doesn't work in my mind- Alyssa=Rage.

Warmaster!
There is no way to be certain, but somehow I am fairly sure that I am the only person in the entire world listening to this CD at this moment in history.
Whoa.

(photo copyright niznoz; used with permission)

Boys

What you got there? I asked
the little boy
He showed me the sailboat
that he had made
in Sunday School

Another little boy
(approaching 90 years of age)
gleefully stopped me in the street
to show me an ad he had clipped
offering used cars for five dollars

In a coffee shop a third little boy
middle-aged this time
was poring over some maps of Switzerland
He showed me where he trains
fighter pilots to survive in the wild

When I was a little boy
I didn't want to grow up
Luckily I discovered
that you never have to stop
being a little boy


(Inspired by three encounters I have had in the past week and a bit.)

Wow- I slept for over 13 hours. That's what nightshifts can do I guess. I had an interesting dream where I was scuba diving and snorkelling with my sister, and she showed me her surprisingly water-resistant Gameboy Advance (I was hoping it would be a PSP) and then we went camping and got locked out of our cabin (well, I locked us out) while a bear prowled through our campsite. But he was a friendly bear just popping in for a visit so it was okay, and then we unlocked the cabin and went in to watch the Grey Cup.
This is all a circuitous way of saying I have a free Flickr Pro account to give away. See, on the way home from work the other day we saw a black wolf. It was beautiful. And huge. I kicked myself for not having my camera with me- one should have their camera with them at all times is a lesson I am trying to learn. So my dream was kind of another reminder- even there I was caught without my camera, which is probably just as well during the diving part, but still.
Anyways, I think Flickr is great. With a Pro account you can upload 2 gigs worth of pictures a month. But I'm not just going to give away a Pro account, I think I will make you earn it. So if you want it, send me either a Playstation Portable, your favorite photo or artwork (made by you) or else a personal essay that explains in detail why you deserve the account, and which also makes mention of how great I am, and references at least ONE of the following: robots, Nazgul, Grey Cups, keas, or Slipknot. Obviously you will get bonus points if you work in more than one. Open to anyone who can meet one of the three criteria. Anyone, even lurkers, family members and residents of Quebec who usually get left out of all the contests for some strange reason.I will give you a week. Starting last Monday. Just kidding. Starting today.
Send your submissions to nwaddell (at) gmail dot com.

I hope the world's best bull ballerina (or bullerina as he prefers to be called) will be on stage tonight when Michelle and I go see Carmen, performed by the Alberta Ballet. I think it will be excellent.

And my favorite manic nursery rhyme political rage metal band released a new single from their forthcoming disc. I heard it on my XM radio and it kicks ass. Lots of it. Can you guess who I am talking about? If you guess right I will let you buy me their new CD when it comes out.

It's been a long time since I've written any pooems. I think the last one was in Malaysia, about the binturong. I've been keenly aware that I have a great new redesign that I am squandering by not poosting better content. This one has been in my head as a vague idea for a while, but between work and wedding prep I haven't had time to develop it till today. Hope you like it.

The Animal Chanimal has a new show
A makeover-reality hit produced by a pro
For the Series Premiere they took an old skunk
The one who was always drunk and who stunk
They gave him some perfume called Scent Of A Rabbit
And took him to rehab where he kicked his old habit
They followed that up by taking a bull
Around to a china shop, knowing in full
The damage he’d do; but Gyrating Gina
Trained him to be the world’s best bull ballerina
Ratings increased and audiences cheered
As the Three Billy Goats Gruff shaved off their beards
And they cried right alongside when the One Trick Pony
Learned trick number two and signed on with Sony
So the producers got in touch with ole Homie Bear
And invited him to sit in the Guest Animal's Chair
There's a rhetorical question they want to address
"Do bears poo in the woods?" The answer is yes
They envisioned a new brand of bears that were cleaner
And much more polite and less grumpy or meaner
"Mr. H Bear, will you come do our show?"
Homie Bear looked at them and snarled out- "No."

I wonder why Mark Hamill never did any voice work for the new trilogy? That would have been cool and classy. There were certainly enough voice parts, and Mark is an accomplished voice actor, cartoon work being the main focus of his career for the past few years. Heck, even Warwick Davis got to be in Episode I- not that that is something Mark is necessarily envious of.
Maybe he has a surprise guest appearance as a wookie in Episode III and they are keeping it tightly under wraps.

Back from another bunch of nights in the pit! I got to try my hand at operating this old beast for a bit, while looking wistfully up at my Dad, a couple of hundred feet above me in his brand new shovel , which is up and digging now. He seemed pretty happy with it.
Like Michelle mentioned last week, the new one has all sorts of little perks, including a 6 CD changer. So he asked me what kind of music he should get that would be good for nightshift. So I suggested American Idiot by Green Day (because it kicks ten tons of ass), maybe the new Audioslave if it's out yet (I still prefer Rage Against the Machine and Soundgarden personally, but I know Dad digs their vibe), and even Slipknot's Vol. 3 The Subliminal Verses. And since we just came off nightshift my brain just kind of froze up, so now I invite you all to help my Dad find some good night tunes (the kind that keeps you awake) by leaving your suggestions in the droppings.

According to my new book on bears (Bears, Bears, Bears), the spectacled bear is the only remaining descendant of the short-faced bears, which explains why it has the shortest muzzle among the bear family. I hadn't realized there were any descendants of the short-faces remaining. Which is why books on bears are so valuable- you should all go buy some today.
Since I can't show you my book, here is a website with the same info. And I like this drawing of what a short-faced bear might have looked like, while this scary guy comes from the BBC website.

I was reading this passage in Jonathan Stroud's The Golem's Eye:

The second John Mandrake was a furniture-maker's son who had spent his life researching the many variants of demonic mite. He had amassed a list of 1703 increasingly irrelevant subtypes before one of them, a Lesser Frilled Green Hornetwing, stung him in an unguarded area; he swelled to the size of a chaise lounge and so died.

Just then some kind of smallish bug of a type I had never seen before landed on my chest and tried to bite me. So I decided it would be prudent to prevent this from happening. But it got me to thinking- that would be a cool way for a book to be interactive. I'm not really sure how they would accomplish that though. Maybe through nanolasers, fiberoptics or a certain type of geosynchronous satellite, or more likely through some combination of all three.

Conveying what a coal mine is like to non-miners can be difficult. I tell Michelle all kinds of stories about my life out at work but she tends to just smile and nod while feigning complete comprehension. (An example of how our lingo can be confusing to non-miners- when I talk about shovels they invariably think I am talking about the implement you have hanging in your shed. But I'm not.) So this past week I was able to bring her and my mom out for a little tour. It was really fun to share my world with her, and now she has a bit of a better appreciation for what I am talking about when I tell her that I can lift 100 tons with one hand!

But I'll let Michelle tell you about her day herself:

Well, being completely naive about mining and small towns and being a through-and-through city girl, I had to rely on Grandma and Grandpa Waddell to outfit me accordingly. I was all ready to wear a white hoodie and my new hiking boots out to the mine when Grandma Waddell went fishing for an old pair of boots and a bright green windbreaker for me to wear. "It will be dirty out there, dear."

Of course I knew it was going to be dirty, but did I really? Nathan pulled up in the mining van and he had covered the seats with paper towel for us to sit on - my first induction to the filth of the mine.


As we drove around, my eyes grew larger and larger at the sites before me. Nath turned to me and said, "So hon, what do you think?" I just looked back at him (with that look of deers blinded in headlights), "It's really . . . big." And said no more. I don't think Nathan had any clue what to do with me at that point.

We eventually made it out to Cheviot mine (its about 20km away from the parking lot and I have never experienced a road like that in my life. The puddles and mud were unlike anything a city girl has ever experienced!)

Dusty (the foreman with whom I forever hold a grudge against for taking my fiance away every 4 days) gave us permission to go and visit Nathan's dad in his shovel. I actually climbed the ladder and entered my very first mining shovel ever and wow! It was really cool!

My first comment (betraying again my city girl-ness) was "This looks exactly like the cockpits in Star Wars!" (the ones you see Luke or Han siting in and fighting the star destroyers with). Nathan's dad sat in this chair, with a huge convex window in front of him (it even went underneath his feet!), operating this huge monster with 2 tiny video game joy sticks. It was incredible and at that moment, I was won over to the work of the mine!

After our stint with Nathan's dad, we again got special permission from Dusty (good ole Dusty) to go and look at the brand, spankin' new shovel they are building for Nath's dad to use.

Well, this naive city girl got to sit in this incredibly sophisticated machine, in the captain's chair (I know its not a space ship but we'll call it the captain's chair, okay?) before Nathan's Dad, the most experienced shovel operator at the entire mine, did. What an honor! And the best part??? The chair had a control for massagers and heat! Who needs the joysticks to control the shovel when you've got this?! It was perfect and so perfect that I couldn't resist but rub it in a little to Nath's dad :)

So, my experience to the mine was absolutely incredible. It started out quite daunting but proved to be very, very cool and I'm very, very proud of what my fiance does! Never again will I simply smile and nod, pretending to understand, because now I really do!!

While I toss around some half-formed ideas in my head (it's really too bad that "lemon" and "demon" don't actually rhyme), here is an interactive flickr photo of my work area so you can see where all the poo comes from. Uh . . . you know what I mean.
Related links: Gotthammer- He is going to marry me and Michelle, and I am pretty excited about that.
blu- he is designing my next tattoo, and I am pretty ecxited about that too!
Jackiewyse- who I meant to thank for sending me the Dutch polar bear christmas card and I never got around to it. I= bad friend! Thanks Jackie!
Where I got my wallpaper.
And the desk and computer and some of the action figures actually belong to gabrielle, who I abandoned in New Zealand so I could steal her stuff.

I am a Super Summit Scaler! What are you?
Did you know that the New Zealand five dollar bill has a picture of Sir Edmund Hillary on it? I thought they should call them Eddies, but no one else agreed with me. I tired to save some to bring back with me for my journal, but then I got to the Auckland Airport and discovered it costs $25 just to leave the place. Some kind of aiport tax, only payable in cash. No one told me! So I sadly gave them the five remaining Eddies I had in my wallet, and now I have none. But at least I am a Super Summit Scaler! No one can take that away from me.

How To Buy An Engagement Ring

As I recently learned, buying a diamond ring is no easy task, even for someone like myself who has a degree in geology. Knowing about kimberlite pipes and all that is of no help when choosing the gem that will symbolize your love for and commitment to the woman you love. You need to know about the four 'C's, which are Color, Cut, umm, Caratness and . . . cuality? Craftmanship? Cookie monster? I'm not really sure, so you can see where I might have been in over my head. I kind of shuffled in to the jeweller and tried to pretend I knew what I was talking about.
"Can I help you, sir?" the kindly jeweler asked.
"Yes, I'm looking for a diamond, you know, something with lots of carats and colors."
"Very good sir. You might be interested in this one, which is a little over 1 carat and has outstanding clarity."
"Oh yeah, that one's nice," I say, surreptitiously glancing at the price tag. Whoa! It's a little high- might as well buy a diamond mine and dig your own for that price. "What about that one over there?"
And so he showed me a series of stones, each one with its own qualities, good and bad, but none with that elusive, indefinable "This is the one-ness". Ever patient, the jeweller showed me yet another.
"You might be interested in this one; it was mined here in Canada and has the trademarked polar bear emblem laser-etched on its surface."
"It has a polar bear on it? Really? Let me see!"
"Of course, you can't actually see the polar bear as it is microscopic; it is merely there as an assurance of quality."
"But you're saying this one has a polar bear on it, though, right? No fooling?"
"No fooling."
"I'll take it."
"Very good, sir."

Defender of the Crown for the Amiga was the ultimate in computing technology, back when I was a kid- and now there is an exact Flash version online to relive those glorious days. My friends Jon (aka Jonny Smelter) and Doug and I used to play after school all the time. We each had different jobs - Doug did the raiding, I did the catapulting and Jon did the jousting, which was the hardest by far. We persevered and eventually defended the crown all the way to Crowntown.
Oh yeah and Barbarian and Marble Madness. Best games ever, but I couldn't find Flash versions of them so you just have to take my word for it.

Pooing in the Woods has a new look! Yay! What do you think? I'm still working on the finer details like my link menus and a title bar and stuff, but for now here is the shinier, cleanier Poo!
I've been wanting to make the site a little easier to read for quite a while now- something more along the lines of a classic black-text-on-white-background. All I needed was for it to be more better than just a white background with black text. So I asked the amazing and generous Sarah How of Pencil Shavings to draw me some bears. Huge thanks and bear hugs to Sarah. I love her art- so fun and joyful.
Please let me know what you think (in the droppings), and if it shows up alright on your screen- it looks good to me but I have 800 X 600 resolution. I used alignment and relative-position tags rather than absolute pixel positions in my CSS so I think it should still be alright regardless of your resolution. I think- I glean all my CSS knowledge by googling "CSS tutorials" whenever I need to tinker.
This is what you should see, hopefully:



And I saved the old template with all the links here.

Here is a question for Digger or anyone else schooled in archeology or paleoanthropology: is anyone exploring the possibility of a connection between the Arctic Small Tool culture and Homo floresiensis? Because someone should.

After six nightshifts you might think I have turned into a zombie, and you would be correct. That's why I have reanimated my corpse with an all-Zombie playlist which I share with you here:

1. Start off with the monster track of all Zombietunes- More Human Than Human. Arrgh my disc is scratched, but the skips sorta sound like a cool remix, so it's okay I guess. I am the astro-cr-cr-cr-creep!
2. Move back in time a bit for some Thunder Kiss '65. Yeah!
3. Though Rob has had a pretty good solo career, with Dragula and Living Dead Girl and appearing on pretty much every comic book movie soundtrack for the past 7 years, I think his cover of Blitzkrieg Bop is the best thing he has done post-White. ZombieRamones!
4. But come to think of it I haven't heard Dragula for a while so throw that on, too!
5. Rob's brother Spider fronts Powerman 5000 and everybody loves Nobody's Real.
6. You probably know that Scum of the Earth are part of the Zombie universe, since it features members of both Zombie and Powerman, and Get Your Dead On actually helps you get your dead off, and wakes you right up!
7. Finally, make up your own song about zombie bears and send it to me! Mine goes like this:

Zombie bears! Yeah! Zombie! Bears! Yeah!

(I've been awake since yesterday, so that is the best I can do as a just-recently reanimated zombie corpse)

Selkie tells me that February 27th is International Polar Bear Day! Happy Polar Bear Day! Make sure to send any bears you know lots and lots of presents.

Have you ever seen a coalmine at night? Talk about black.
I'm off for work tomorrow, nights this week. Graveyard shift. I'm not sure if I ever explained this, but my work schedule is pretty decent- I work on a four on, four off rotation. Four dayshifts in a row, four days off, four nightshifts in a row, four days off, repeat. Because we work 12.66 hour shifts, we actually have a longer than regular workweek in just four days. It's nice to have all that time off afterwards, though since I have an 8-day week, I am always a little out of step with the rest of the world. And for a variety of reasons, I am working quite a bit of overtime lately, so tomorrow I leave for six nightshifts (again!), after only two days off. Umm, 6 * 12.66 anyone? Let's see, not quite 80 hours. Crazy eh? And next week when I am done, we are heading to Calgary to visit my future in-laws. So I'm not sure if I will be around here much, though you never know. I'm not trying to neglect you all.

For Michelle . . .


. . . hehe. Bears would never maul you, they are not that mean. And I wouldn't let them.

Last Saturday, Michelle and I were out having coffee, talking, reading the paper, saying hi to people we knew- a typical lazy Saturday afternoon. After a while a comfortable silence settled around us, which I finally broke by saying, "Wanna go see the robots?" And since Michelle loves me so well, she said "Sure!"
Everyone knows how much I love robots, so I was pretty happy to hear that the Odyssium had a new robotics exhibit. Unfortunately, the exhibit wasn't quite what I was expecting. I was thinking killer cyborgs, angst-ridden androids in search of their humanity, and maybe a robotic bear or two. Instead it was kind of a haphazard collection of huge machines with no practical purpose, or at least very unwieldy in their primary function. The basketball playing robot was pretty cool, though. If only they had some hockey playing mechs we might have an NHL season next year, but anyways. I don't mean to slam it, it was still fun. I love robots soooo much, and maybe I was expecting a bit more.
But you know, as much as I love robots, I would never marry one. Realizing this, I asked Michelle to marry me later that night, and she said yes. In a robot voice.

I am sick, and I'm away from home and Michelle, so I don't have much to say today, but I wanted to show you guys this great picture I found. Kind of captures the spirit I try to put in my writing.

Although I didn't win any Grammys this year (I was working anyways so it is just as well), at least Slipknot showed up looking fine in their Sunday best.

I'm still mad about that parking ticket I got a few months ago. The one where I was parked at a meter with lots of time left, but didn't know that that particular spot became a towaway zone at 3:00. What kind of stupid parking spot is that? I wasn't going to pay it, since I had to pay the hefty impound fees, but they don't allow you to renew your registration without paying, so what can you do? Simmer in impotent rage, but that's about it. I can exact some small measure of revenge by refusing to pay the New Zealand photo radar ticket I got! Who knew ole Wedge was even capable of exceeding the posted speed limit?
If you share in my frustrations you can watch a hilarious mockumentary about parking enforcement called The Delicate Art of Parking. Very reminiscent of Best in Show and A Mighty Wind. Made in Canada, too!
And I hope you all see Some Kind of Monster. Sometimes it's like A Mighty Wind, too. And Lars is usually the force behind the wind. Anyways, I love those guys and the movie was a good glimpse into their dynamics. Even Michelle liked it, so you probably will too.

"I think I'm being voodooed," said Ammit, the Egyptian devourer of souls who was actually just a robot who had sold his soul to the devil once and named himself Ammit.
"By who?" I asked.
"I do not know. I had hoped that you might."
I had only known one houngan in my life (and no mambos), and I was pretty sure he had passed away peacefully in Denmark a few years ago. I couldn't think of anyone that had recently taken up the Haitian death magic. "Maybe it's the devil, getting some revenge on you for ripping him off?" I suggested.
"No, he's not mad about that- he tried to rip me off first, so we called it even and laughed it off."
Just then the papertiger came and delivered the morning news. The headline proclaimed, "Mayor Delves Into Voodoo, Hopes It Will Balance Budget". Ammit and I exchanged surprised looks. We decided to pay a visit to city hall.

The unemployed hockey players who guarded the entrance to city hall blocked our way with their sticks, but Ammit just made his eyes glow red like he does when people get in his way, and they let us pass. I guess they think he has a death beam or something but really his eyes just light up. Ask him to show you sometime.
Mayor Mainott was in his office, which was decorated in a very Haitian style, though Mayor Mainott had never been there, preferring to holiday instead in Denmark. There was a beautiful tanbou in the middle of the office, decorated with a scene of elephants parading in E-Town . Mayor Mainott had been an elephant trainer before he was mayor, and thought it was a good use of budgetary funds to herd elephants down Main Street. He greeted us warmly, even though it looked as if he was quite busy with the budget and his voodoo rituals.
"What can I do for you?" he asked.
"Have you been voodooing Ammit?" I got right to the point, a useful tactic in dealing with politicans, I had often found.
"No, I never voodoo constituents. That would be a good way to lose votes. I may or may not voodoo non-constituents, for example the mayor of C-Town, but certainly not our own good citizens." He held up a voodoo doll of a suit-and-tie-guy wearing a cowboy hat.
"Hmmm," said Ammit. "Then who could it be?"
"How do you know you are being voodooed?" asked Mayor Mainott.
"My servomotors often act of their own accord. And I get a strange sensation as if someone was poking me with pins and needles."
The mayor nodded thoughtfully. "Well, if you like, I can perform a ritual to see if we can find out."
"No rituals," said Ammit. "Voodoo creeps me out." My old houngan friend would have been offended by this comment, but I could sympathize with Ammit. He was being voodooed after all, and that is enough to creep anyone out.
"Okay, no problem. How about this? I can pass a bill in council making it illegal to not admit it if you are the one voodooing Ammit."
"Do you think that would work?" asked Ammit. I was a little skeptical myself.
"Well, depends if we could enforce it or not. There are quite a few hockey enforcers that need jobs right now, though many of them are in Denmark playing with the minor leagues . . . " In the old days the police force would have handled such a thing, but they had all been fired for putting in too much Overtime. At any rate, the thought of 30 hockey goons running through the streets of E-Town knocking down doors and terrorizing the populace didn't sit too well with me.
"Wouldn't that cost you votes?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, you're probably right. Well, I could form a committee to see if they can determine who is voodooing Ammit." Ammit just rolled his eyes.
"How about if I grant you diplomatic immunity from being voodooed?" Ammit's eyes started to glow.
"Okay, okay, don't shoot. Here's a grant for $30,000." He handed us a moneybag with a dollar sign on it. "Figure it out on your own. Now my budget's shot."
So we used two grand of our grant to buy a voodoodetector, and found out it was just some kid who was trying to build her own remote control robot, and the signals were interfering with Ammit's subprocessors. We gave her fifty bucks so she could get a better RC unit.
Then we used the rest of the grant money to take an extended holiday in Denmark. It was fun.

I dreamt that I was scuba diving with an autistic fellow, and he accidentally attracted a school of hammerhead sharks. It was a little scary, but I picked up a conch shell, removed my regulator, and blew into it, never forgetting to not hold my breath. That scared the sharks away alright.

Monument

How fitting
that your
Immortality
is a green
Pedestal
Used mostly by pigeons
for pooing on

Songs that make me happy today:
World by Ministry
Get Your Dead On by Scum of the Earth.
And the soundtrack to the Lemony Snicket movie is pretty cool too, as was the movie and especially the books. My awesome girlfriend bought it for me.

"Despite pictographs and paintings found in caves and on cliffs depicting the struggle between ancient man and bears, nearly all Canadian Indians I have known considered bears an ancient race of people. They pointed to the bear's five toes on each foot, to his ability to walk and run on his hind legs, to the fact that all species possessed much the same traits, and to the dental cavities of those whose diets included too many sweets. Aside from certain simians, the bear is the only animal known to throw objects back and forth between two or more individuals. It couldn't have escaped even the most amateur observer that bears have another point in common with man in that they train their young in offense, defense, food procurement, and play."
- from The Bears and I, by Robert Franklin Leslie, an amazing true story(now out of print I think) about a guy who raised three bear cubs in BC, back in the 30s.

Haka!!
Once again I have to miss out on something really cool due to being away at work. Oh well, that's life. But you don't have to miss out, so long as you live in Edmonton. On Friday night, Te Kapa Haka o Te Tumu is performing in the World Warriors concert at the Myer Horowitz Theatre. That's right, Te Kapa Haka o Te Tumu! A Maori performing arts group from the University of Otago (which I think, gabrielle, is in Dunedin- home of the Octagon, not the square). Few things in this world, that I have seen at least, are as cool as a Maori haka. Maybe you have seen the All Blacks perform one before a rugby match?
I saw a haka up close in Rotorua- just amazing. Intimidating, too, in a good way. They tell me it is the only dance in the world that uses every muscle in the body, including the eyelids and tongue. And for my good buddies Jay and Rowan, you will appreciate this lyric, yelled loud: Tenei te ta ngata puhuru horu! This is the hairy person who caused the sun to shine!
Don't miss out on your chance to see some Maori dancing in Edmonton. As a bonus, there will also be troupes from the Borneo, hip hop, Irish, First Nations and African Drumming traditions. Tickets are ten bucks in advance at SUB Info or 12 at the door, and it is this Friday at 7:30. You will thank me if you go. Trust me.
Te Kapa Haka o Te Tumu!!

Everyone say happy birthday to my girlfriend Michelle! We went and saw Emm Gryner and friends play at the Sidetrack tonight and it was amazing. Besides Emm (make sure you spell it right with an extra M in Em. heh) there were five other singer/songwriters, none of whom I had heard of, but all were excellent. Maybe one weak link but I won't single him out. They were touring as the Bluebird North Tour, and they were arrayed panel style, each performing a song in turn, though often helping the others out.
We went because I had read an interview with Emm last week and it mentioned that she recorded a disc of metal/punk/heavier songs accoustically and called it Girl Versions, though I was unable to track the disc down in town (I got her new one instead which is really good). I decided it would be cool to go to the show, not knowing there were five others sharing the bill. One guy, Andy Kim, was well known with the older patrons, and when they played that Sugar, Sugar (Candy Girl?) song we realized why. And another guy played a couple of fun songs- one about the Monster Mash, which was kind of clever and insightful (the point being, he might have been a one hit wonder but at least that guy had a hit) and The Last of the Red Hot Fools.
So it was a great night, much different than we expected, but all the better for it.
Almost makes up for missing out on Slipknot a couple of weeks ago. Make sure you say to Michelle Happy Birthday! It's actually Friday, and I am a bad bearfriend because I have to miss it since I will be working.

"What did you guys do with the lake that was here?" asked Lord Chamberlain Vivvle, with a fair amount of astonishment, alarm and anger in his voice as he looked down into the huge gaping chasm that had been a beautiful pristine lake just yesterday.
"You said we could use it for the moat," said the foreman, or rather, foreorc, pointing towards the construction site, where two frost giants had placed the lake, along with its foundation, off to the side to await completion of the moat. The giants had frozen the lake to prevent it from sloshing while they moved it, and now they watched lazily as two iron-jawed dragons excavated the moat with their mighty mouths.
Vivvle stomped his steel-toed boots and threw his hardhat on the ground. "I meant you could use some of the water to fill the moat, not rip the lake off its hinges and pour it all in! Put it back immediately!"
The foreorc, whose name Vivvle could never remember, said, "Well, alright, but it will have to wait till tomorrow now- Gront and Biphk are going home- they already put in a couple hours overtime moving the lake over there. Had some problems with the feeder creeks. Got it all sorted out now, but I guess that doesn't matter . . ."
Inwardly, Vivvle rolled his eyes. For the millionth time he wished he had heeded his predecessor's advice about always hiring the second cheapest bidder. Monster Construction worked cheap enough- preferring livestock and land concessions (as long as there were villages to plunder) to gold, but they needed close supervision. Stooping down, he picked up his hardhat, which he thought was stupid and made him look like one of the king's soldiers rather than the Lord Chamberlain, especially combined with all the other safety gear he had to wear to tour the construction site- steel-toed boots and safety gauntlets. Worst of all were the strips of phosphorescent moss he wore as a safety vest-the Occupational Safety demons brought them up from their subterranean lairs, but didn't have to wear the stupid things themselves since they already glowed in the dark supernaturally.
He moved on to the actual castle lot, ignoring the hundreds of small fire-lizards busily welding support girders for the interior. The first of the stone trolls were just arriving on shift now, since the sun had set. Obviously the troll masons could only work the nightshift since they would be turned to stone themselves if they were exposed to the sun- and Vivvle had no desire to have a bunch of troll statues littering the king's new castlegrounds. All statuary was already subcontracted out to the faeries anyways- Vivvle would have liked to hire them to do the whole thing but they can't wear any iron safety gear.
Suddenly there was a commotion- one of the trolls had tripped and knocked another one down, and the two had started fighting. One was sent sprawling into some scaffolding, knocking it down. Vivvle's stomach lurched as the huge latticework teetered and began to fall- "Please don't knock down the wall please don't knock down the wall" he prayed . . . to no avail. Ogres and harpies scattered as the whole thing crashed to the ground. Vivvle was apoplectic. But the foreorc was already cussing out the trolls, firing the clumsier one on the spot, and so there was no one to vent his wrath upon. Deciding he had seen enough for the day, he asked one of the workorcs to fetch his chariot.
Vivvle had more than professional interest in making sure the project went smoothly- if the king failed to reutrn from his silly battles, Vivvle would get the castle, at least until the whiny brat prince came of age. Not that he was a treasonous fellow- just very pragmatic.
A workorc interrupted his musings to sheepishly inform him that one of the dragons had eaten his horses.
"Fine." Said Vivvle in a strained voice. "Just . . . get the castle done." And he turned and walked towards the village. He never got there, however, as Gront had realized he had forgotten his lunchbox and had come back to get it, and accidentally stepped on the Lord Chamberlain.

Some months later, when the king had returned from his campaigns abroad, he was absolutely delighted with the end product, which had been finished on time and under budget, and gave Monster Construction a healthy bonus. He did have one question, however, which he put to the foreorc.
"What did you guys do with the lake that was here?"



(This was inspired by a question I heard at work today, which became the first and last sentence of the story.)

According to my young friend (who is four or five years old) I was hanging out with at the Gathering last night, Spider-Man is not real.
"Yes he is!" I protested.
"No!"
"Yeah!"
"No! He's really a boy named Peter who just dresses as Spider-Man."

The other planets in our solar system are named after Roman gods, which is way cooler than some numbering system in Latin or German or something like that. There's something about those cold, aloof jewels spinning around out there in space that seems very regal and god-like. Jupiter, mightiest of the planets, is named for the god king. Venus, the goddess of love, gets a beautiful, bright, yet deadly planet in her honor, or maybe in her worship. And Mars, so aptly named with its blood-tinged hue after the god of war.
Then there's Titan. Saturn's largest moon has always fascinated me- just shy of being the biggest moon in the solar system, it's actually larger than Mercury or Pluto, and it's even colder than Edmonton. Titan was named after a whole class of god-like beings, the titans, who preceded the gods and warred with them. So, it's like having a bunch of goldfish named Dracula and Frankenstein and Casper and then having one just named Monster. Titan is the primeval archetype of bludgeoning brutality and power. He doesn't even need a proper name. Just titan. Cool.
You probably heard that Huygens landed on Titan and has been sending back the first pictures of its surface. Really cool.

I didn't really do any Top Ten lists this year, but for sure my favorite CD of last year was Slipknot Vol. III (The Subliminal Verses). One day in Wellington I thought I saw a Slipknot flyer on a lightpost across the street, so I crossed over to get a closer look, taking my life in my hands once again since I would invariably look the wrong way before crossing in NZ, especially when excited by the possibility that Slipknot might be playing in Wellington. Sadly, it was for some other band with a similar font. But in fact they ARE playing in New Zealand, next week at Auckland's Big Day Out, along with the Beasties (!!!) and System of a Down and lots of other great bands. Oh well. One day I'm sure, Slipknot will come here. Turns out that day is four days hence, or, more pertinent to me, four nights hence. Since I am going to go on night shifts tonight, that means I will be on my last shift on that momentous day, and once more it will be SlipNot for me.
Last night I had a dream that I was at the show, though there was only three of them there and they weren't wearing their masks (still best show ever!!!!) and in the middle of Vermillion Pt. II, a song I doubt they would play live, #0 was stopped in his tracks by a girl in the audience who was messing with his head, and she left for the parking lot and he went after her. Then he came back too torn up to continue, and I had to exhort him with his own lyrics- "I won't let this build up inside of me". I think he felt better after that. But if I had a mask on right now it would be of a sad face.
But ringwraiths can cheer me up, here's a picture I took last night in Mordor.

Today was the day I told my girlfriend I would be coming home from New Zealand, a blatant and deliberate lie, since obviously I came home a month ago. It was getting kind of tricky keeping the web of deciet going for a while there, a lesson that bears and people should just stick with being honest. At one point I had to convince Michelle that the reason I needed her to be home on the day I was actually returning had something to do with volunteering for the Department of Conservation (so I had to call her that day rather than the day I usually called her). "Oh really? That's cool- what is that about?"
"Uhh, you know . . . saving, like, the kiwis . . . or something . . ."
"Well, couldn't you call me the day before?"
"Oh, um, no, because . . . also . . . saving kiwis that day . . . "
Anyways, it all worked out and I am pleased to say that my lie went unpunished. At least by her. Maybe God will still have something to say.
No lying, everybody, okay?

Last week at work my Dad handed me a book and said, "Here, you'll like this one." Since a good book is worth ten times its weight in coal out at the mine (there's lots of coal, not so many books there) I thanked him, till I looked at the cover. It was sort of a "new old-timey" picture of a woman with flowing red hair, and the book was called Rose. Since guys will sometimes leave a romance novel sitting around, I thought my Dad was just joking so I tried to hand it back to him but he said, "No, really- it's about coal mining." Turns out he was right- your basic mystery novel, but set against the backdrop of an underground coal mine in England in the 1880s. Makes me glad that I am an open pit miner, though.
Speaking of underground miners, did you know that more than 5000 Chinese coal miners were killed on the job in 2004?

Happy New Year everybody. I'll be moving into my own little basement suite in the next couple of days, and for the first time since August I will have a home. Expect more regular updates once I gert settled in. But for now I have one more night shift to work for 2004.

Working 12 hour shifts (actually, we get paid for 12.66 now with our new, even more faraway pit, though we are away from home for more like 15 hours) doesn't give me much time to update. And when I do I am usually so tired from the 12.66 hours that I don't make much sense. And the coal mining life, as fascinating as it is, doesn't always make much sense to the non-miner. But maybe I will tell the odd story here and there to teach you guys the language.
Today I got to be a refugee, off on my own a bit. Sometimes I like to pretend I am actually a prisoner on a penal colony- an airless asteroid or moon somewhere. Where all our machinery are really big robots except for me. The minesite could certainly pass for an alien world- the stark black-and-white landscape, especially at night, really helps the illusion. But today I saw a decidedly terrestrian sight- a group of bighorns stampeding away from either a very large coyote or perhaps a wolf. The canine wasn't exactly chasing them, per se, being too smart for such a waste of energy, but was more testing the waters to see if there were any stragglers, as any good predator would. Luckily for the sheep, there weren't any today.

All the links and more- the goods from our trip to Malaysia and New Zealand.
Te Papa National Museum- the amazing national museum of New Zealand.
Weta Workshop- Didn't get to visit but I met someone who works there . . . Also, Weta's store.
WOW- only the Kiwis would combine classic cars and wearable art in one musuem, but the end result defies description, but it seriously one of the coolest museums ever.
Hobbiton- although they dismantled most of it, some of it is still there and it is a lot of fun. "As it was, as it is, sheep."
Awesome Adventures Dolphin Swim- the water is COLD but it is soooo worth it.
Milford Sound- one of the more beautiful places on Earth.
National Tattoo Museum of New Zealand- a good place to see beautiful artwork and maybe get some done on yourself.
The Film Archives- An amazing resource- every motion picture ever filmed in NZ, free for viewing. Sure you could watch LOTR, but there are many other great movies to see. Such as In My Father's Den.
Black Water Rafting in the Waitomo Glowworm Caves- good fun and worms with glowing poo!
Pelennor Fields filming location- just a tour of a field, but the guys who run it are great- they were either extras or drivers and have a lot of first-hand stories to tell.
Whale Watch Kaikoura- where you can see sperm whales.
New Zealand Herald- the best paper in NZ. The best team in NZ? The All Blacks.
Flora Bay Dive- the best dive school on the best island with the best resort attached.
There are way more but that is all I can think of for now.

A conversation I heard today on the bus at the mine, between a guy who had been laid off and one who hadn't.
"So what's changed?"
"Lots of things. Things change on an hourly basis out here."
"That hasn't changed."
"Nope."

I don't think the Honda Civic was ever really designed with snowplow functionality in mind, but Little Green Jellybean came through for me today yet again. Though LGJ looked more like a mobile igloo than a jellybean. Or a car. I think I need to add another stanza to my ode. Who needs caffeine when you can just drive through a blizzard at 6AM in the middle of nowhere? A couple of times I had to stop and clear snow from my headlights and tires, which were under about ten inches of unplowed snow. Crazy. But amazingly I didn't get stuck or even slide, and I to top it off I wasn't late for work. Work is good- some things have changed, but the job is still the same- driving haul trucks is like riding a bike, you don't really forget. I was even reunited with my old truck 31 today.
On a totally different note, I just want to express my sadness and dismay over the senseless murder of Dimebag Darrell and three others.

Here is a sort of road map of all the places Wedge took us. Well, it was the best I could do in two minutes. All told we put about 6000 kms on Wedgie's odometer. Good ole Wedgie. I miss him. I finally got used to driving on the left and now it is weird to be back on the right- and all the snow and ice right now is just making it worse. Kind of scary.
The northernmost point is Paihia and the southest we got was called Bluff. All the inbetween places can be put under the umbrella name of Middle-earth.

As Samwise Gamgee says at the end of LOTR, "Well, I'm back."
Just in time for the deepfreeze, ole Homie came home. It was a pretty great trip, and even though I cut it short, I can honestly say I have no regrets- I went pretty much full-bore the whole time (though for me, scuba diving, whitewater rafting, going to a ballet and researching Maori mytholgy at a library are all equally exciting activities, so . . . ), ran out of money and decided to suprise my girlfriend by coming home for Christmas. gabrielle remains in Kiwiland and I look forward to hearing about the many adventures that are in store for her.
Oh yeah plus I got my old coal mining job back.
It's really cold here in Edmonton, though, and I'm really jet-lagged. But on the plus side I have discovered that spending time in the arms of the one I love is even better than abseiling into a 35 meter black abyss, which is saying a lot.

Auckland
Here is some sad news- more than 50 pilot whales died not far from here in the Coromandel area when they were beached for unknown reasons. A whole pod senselessly destroyed! Very, very sad. Here is the full story.

Otherwise, it's going alright here. It is strange to be approaching summer and Christmas at the same time- there are Christmas displays everywhere and they seem so out of place. NO snow! How can it be Christmas? There is a giant Santa just up the street towering over Queen Street. He is menacingly curling his pointer finger for some reason. Kind of creepy actually.

Well, we're in Wellington and all is well. I wish there were a wishing well where I could wish my sandals had fell.

Motueka
This internet cafe's terminals are all named after Simpsons characters- I'm at Abe, next to me is Santa's Little Helper and Monty Burns. They all have little bios, as well, possibly printed off the internet. Fun. Also there's a poster of kiwi birds, which is a little more common around here than back home. Kiwis themselves, however, are quite endangered, so I was quite happy to give a kiwi to save a kiwi at a bank.
Really close by is Abel Tasman National Park, so I hitched a ride over to Kaiteriteri, hoping to rent a sea kayak. instead I wound up on a sea shuttle, with the intent of being dropped off for a short hike, when we encountered a pod of orcas! So I stayed in the boat and we watched these incredible predators for a while. I tried getting pictures but all I got was a bunch of dorsal fins, they are tricky to catch when they just grab a quick breath and dive again.
Some interesting articles in the paper today- dolphins protect swimmers from shark, not far from where we swam with them, and (though I can't find a link for it) there was a big earthquake off the southwest coast yestedray morning- I didn't feel it but it was quite big. Luckily it didn't do any damage, but if its epicenter had been on land it could have been quite severe. Te Anau, where we were just a few days ago, reported some shaking.
Anyways, Grampa Simpson is shaking his cane at me so I guess that means I have to go.

Greymouth
I like glaciers. They are cool. You could probably even say I love glaciers. There are two on the west coast of the South Island of note, the Fox and the Franz Joseph. To be honest, they are not all that impressive compared to the glaciers of the Rockies or Alaska, but what makes them kind of unique to my experience is you drive through a coastal rainforest to get to them- with giant ferns looking just like palm trees. Since it was raining and muddy, gabrielle left me to my own devices to explore Fox, but gamely came with to see the bigger Franz Joseph. This is a big deal since gabrielle is mortally opposed to anything icy and cold. Whereas I am completely in my element, what with polar bear sensibilities and all. "Peter Jackson didn't use any glaciers in LOTR," she grumbled good-naturedly, illustrating yet another reason why she shouldn't be expected to explore these magnificent relics of a departed Age of Ice. "Yes he did," I replied. "Didn't he use these for the Shire? No? Well, I think he used time-lapse photography to record the flow of the glacier, and then digitally turned it red and used it for Mt Doom's lava." But she didn't buy it.

Dunedin
I guess life is not so bad when your biggest source of aggravation is not being able to see the new Star Wars trailer. Because I've tried. Some internet cafes have pretty ancient machines, and some, like this one here, seems thoroughly up-to-date and yet they don't have quicktime. Oh well. Luckily there is plenty to occupy my attention in the meantime. Since last I spoke to you I have seen penguins and orcs! And been sick. And survived a deluge- well, to be fair, it was more our intrepid campervan Wedge that survived the deluge . . . without much in the way of permanent damage. Wedge verily needs some sort of award, or reward, for putting up with a bear and a vampire for so long. Seriously.
Since we arbitrarily decided, with no proof whatsoever, that we saw a Narnian film crew the other day, I started reading The Silver Chair. I would like to share a quote from it with you, but don't think I am sending some sort of secret message about our morale. We're fine. This just made me laugh. Puddleglum is talking about adventures:

That's the spirit, Scrubb. That's the way to talk. Put a good face on it. But we all need to be very careful about our tempers, seeing all the hard times we shall have to go through together. Won't do to quarrel, you know. At any rate, don't begin it too soon. I know these expeditions usually end that way: knifing one another, I shouldn't wonder, before all's done. But the longer we can keep off it . . .

Christchurch
When you're having this much fun it's hard to blog! It's kind of the opposite problem of writer's block- there's so much to say where do you start? How about this: I saw whales! Yay! Not just any whales, sperm whales! Fourth biggest animal in the world. Largest of the toothed whales, deepest diver (that we know of- the elusive beaked whales may turn up some surprises if we ever see a living specimen)- just an impressive sight in general. Normally these whales live too far out from shore to be seen by commercial tours, but near Kaikoura there happens to be a 3000 foot deep trench which is an ideal habitat for the sperm whales' needs. To put that in perspective, I am certified to dive to 60 feet. So that was cool.
I learned a lot about whales and other things at Te Papa Tongarewa, Museum of New Zealand in Wellington. As far as museums go, Te Papa can stand alongside any that I've ever been to, including New York's American Museum of Natural History. As a bonus, it's free to get in! And for a different type of museum altogether, you can check out the National Tattoo Museum of New Zealand. Tattoos are a big part of Maori culture, with the beautiful moko facial tattoos recognizable the world over. You can stop in to see the art, and if you like, you can even get a tattoo to commemorate your trip to New Zealand. I did! And I made a handy little interactive description of it over at my flickr page.
Right now as you can see we're in Christchurch, which is a pretty nice city, though we can't stay for very long. Too much to do!


*Lest We Forget*

It's been a week in Wellington, and the only bad thing I have to say about the city is that it ate my sandals! I want my sandals back!!!!!!!!! I will have more to say on Wellington in a while. But now it is time to hit the road once more, or, in this case, the sea, and in the wee hours of the morning we will take Wedge aboard the Inter-Islander ferry and make our way to the South Island. An interesting thing about the South Island is it rides directly on the boundary between two tectonic plates, the Australian and the Pacific, and the Southern Alps (model for the Misty Mountains and a range that extends the whole of the Island) are the physical evidence of this. There is a huge fault system running the entire length as well, and geologists are awaiting the overdue earthquake that will occur when the fault slips. Here is a cheery article with more details.
Geologists are such a doom and gloom bunch, eh? "Don't live in Vancouver, there's going to be an earthquake, don't live in San Francisco there's going to be an earthquake, don't drive a campervan on the South Island, there's going to be an earthquake . . . " Luckily I am trained in the fine art of geology, so I declare us to be safe.

So it's a little bit windy in Wellington. Last night in my tent I felt sorry for my trusty little hobbit (that's actually what it's called, a Eureka Hobbit) as its fabric strained in the wind, and its valiant little spikes bravely kept me anchored to the ground. But today I came back to find that my tent was no longer there. With the resigned sigh of a seasoned traveller, I thought to myself, "Damn. My tent's gone." But then I saw it off to the side- the caretaker had kindly rescued it when the wind ripped it up. Perhaps indelicately it was weighed down by two massive rocks, but at least it wasn't going anywhere. The same could not be said, unfortunately, for my trusty Merrell sandals. They are gone. This marks three pairs of Merrell footwear that have met untimely dooms under my care- well, my hiking boots lasted nine years so that is hardly untimely, though I still get weepy thinking of the heartless way in which my girlfriend and gabrielle just threw them in a dumpster.
Sigh. I made much fun of gabrielle and Rae for the 38 and a half pairs of shoes they somehow each managed to stuff into their backpacks, but now that I only have my boots left I guess I feel a little envious and repentant.

Wellington
A funny thing about time travel is the timezone factor. So even though my blog is still set to good ole Mountain Standard Time, the fact is I am actually somethig like 20 hours ahead of that. Which means here in New Zealand, it is my inestimable travelling companion's birthday! So happy birthday to gabrielle! You may send her birthday love here in the droppings or at her own blog which she actually has started updating again from time to time.
Anyways, there will be much celebrating of this event (in fact there already has been) and tonight we are going to Coppelia, my first ever classical ballet. I once went to a modern ballet with a friend- he was only going to impress an ex-girlfriend (ex!!! I mean come on!) and it was . . . a little underwhelming. But I am looking forward to the experience tonight, even if my limited travel wardrobe means I will be going as a scruffy backpacker rather than a debonair patron of the arts, but oh well.